Sudoku

Hi all, its another weekend and after a great weekend I feel as though I should be blogging about everything that went on, my feelings over the events of this past weekend and some changes I have made over the weekend, but I'm not. Just know that I had a pretty good weekend and this week is starting off pretty well so I hope to keep that going. This is going to be a strange post for me as I am going to post about a game I have fallen in love with.

Sudoku. Those of you familiar with the game know that it can be nerve wrecking at times trying to complete the task in front of you, but the joy of completing that task is great! I wanted to print out a copy of the game from my local sunday paper, but all I know how to do on this blog is write. Picture a large box with 81 small boxes within it (a 9x9 box). Within this box, the numbers 1-9 must appear only once in every row, column and 3x3 box. At first glance I thought this was going to be an easy task. How was I mistaken. I wanted to be fast and just throw numbers in random boxes and figure it out that way, yea that clearly didn't work. A hour and a half after starting what I thought was going to be a simple game, I was done. It took every bit of stubbornness within me to figure that puzzle out. I realize that those out there that have above normal intelligence (hi O ) probably will have no problem with this box, but for me, someone of average intelligence at best who had to work hard to achieve good grades in school, this posed a slight challenge. Being a logical thinker and unwilling to stop before I solved the puzzle I got it, but boy did it take everything in me. I challenge you guys to find a Sudoku game online, print it out (you might want to print out more than one copy and have a pencil nearby) and see how easy it is for you. For me, I'm about to find one before sunday.

Happy and Ready

Its late and once again I'm blogging from my phone, so please excuse me if I miss spell any words, use the wrong word or my grammar is off.

Life is good. At times I think I'm just telling myself that things are good so I would believe, so I could speak my good times my miracle into exstance, but things are actually good. I'm happy with me, happy with life and have come to a certain level of expectance with the cards I have in my hand. Sure things aren't perfect, but when is it ever? I'm smiling and really laughing again, no more faking, I'm happy and at peace with life.

I'm single and I'm not sure if its the weather, loneliness or I'm really ready, but I think I want to begin the process of allowing someone in my life, allowing someone to love me. This is not going to be a rush job, I come with baggage, some small some large, so I need to know that the person that chooses to share in my life is ready for all of me. Its easy to love the good, the happy and the fun parts, think the sun within another is the completion of your world, see your chicklist of wants and realize this person meets all your wants, only to find out the clouds exist and there is another side to the paper. I want someone that can handle my mouth, the harshness of my words, but what I need is someone that understands the silence and can adjust accordingly. I want someone that will spoil me, make up for what I'm lacking finacially, but what I need is someone that will allow me to treat them but also check my spending habits. I want a strong man, a "man's man," but I need someone that is soft and willing to let me hold them.

I'm happy, I'm single and I don't think those two have to necessarily have to exist apart. I'm ready to put the want ad up again and see if I can get it right with someone new or someone old. I'm happy and ready.

long and funny-drag queens

On monday April 21, I traveled to asbury with Omar and 2 others to support our friend Tyson. Tyson was performing at a bar which was also having a drag show. I'm not going to bore you with our car conversation, even though we had fun in the car, this post is about the queens. I can't remember names so I will apologize in advance and I won't talk about the three good performers (one was a friend of Tyson...work bitch, you did your thing and those people were hating for reasons that were obvious to us), but don't the bad always get the attention?

First there was the host with the most and by most I mean the most stomach in that place. This tired white trash elephant was done. Her show could only be described as tired and I'm still trying to figure out what was worst, her performance, which she barely finished because she was out of breath, or her outfit which looked like a bad cut up table cloth. The people in the club ate her performance up as if she did more than just move her fat fingers. When she sat down and hosted the show, yes she hosted the show from a bar stoll, she was pretty funny so I will give credit where its do.

Tyson's friend performered next and as stated before, did her thing but the crowd paid it, guess they didn't know what talent was. Then came Tine Turner on crack. This bitch made whitney look like she needed weight watchers. I turned to O and asked, "he couldn't find a dress to feet him?" The girl straightened a mop, dyed it red, stole a cocktail dress from easy pickens and tried to work it. She wasn't that bad, but was nothing to look at.

The next performer was no better, apparently she not only was on the same diet as miss tina but stole clothes from the same store. She was all over the place and tried to flirt with the crowd, a mess! Which brings us to her name, I'm sure it wasn't her name, but it sounded like they said her name was, "such a mess." Whether it was her name or not, it fit and that's what we called her for the night.

But last and definitely least was Guile. This drunken bitch looked like the drunken child of Guile from street fighter and Britney Spears. This drunken mess was all over the place. I was embarassed for him. He is the reason why performers should not be allowed to drink. Tripping and falling all over the place. This bitch definitely took after her mother (if Britney was her moms). Can you believe this chick actually wanted to bring her beer up on stage with her. A hot drunken mess! And what was the first thing he did once he was done? Straight to the bar for another beer.

Fun night!

I need more

Despite the post below, I'm actually in a good space with my life. Sure nothing in my life is going as I would like it, but I have adopted a go with the flow attitude. I'm trying hard not to let anything get to me, just enjoy this life that I have. I want to make some changes to my life that will be hard, but I think are necessary because I think I have stalled. I want to feel happy all the time and feel like there is a balance of give and take with those around me, right now I feel content and unfulfilled. Once again, life is pretty good, hell, being realistic, I could be dead or still in the hospital right now, so each day for me is a blessing and I"m not going to complain. However, I want more or something different than what has become the norm. I'm not a big party goer nor do I really enjoy the club scene, alcohol used to help with my enjoyment there but I've decided to give that up. Now that may come as a big surprise to some, but its very true. Don't get me wrong, I can have fun in almost any social situation, but its not what I want.

The plan for this year is simple. Do things out of the ordinary, break out of the box and experience life. I plan on getting out of my comfort zone and travel on public transportation more, this will probably save me money as well as allow me to go visit places I would normally refuse to drive to. 1) I will attend some sporting events. Because the majority of my friends are not sports fan I have gotten away from attending sports events and I miss it. There was a five year period when I would go to a football game and two yankees games a year, and that was on a low year. I can't remember the last professional sporting event I went to. So if this means I need to venture out and make new friends, well I'm going to have to do that. 2) I want to go to more museums and plays. I really don't think I have the money to attend a broadway play with big named stars, but there are more plays out there than just those with the bright lights of the city. I want to sit and watch a painting, let it move me, picture myself in the running colors like I used to do when I was younger. 3) Eat out at better restaurants. No more Fridays, Applebees, Ihop, Ruby Tuesday's etc. as a 1st, 2nd or even a 3rd choice. I want to eat Indian food again, Thai, vegetarian, Ethiopian (had it before and it was great). 4) I will become better with my money. This should be the goal for most of us but I know I fall way short. I get a little depressed and I spend. I spend on food, clothes and others just to make myself feel better. I need to save because I want to move and I want furniture at my new place the same time I arrive not a month or four later. It may be difficult for me to actually follow through with all of these goals, but now I have an idea of what I want. Its going to be hard to do the first 3 and do number 4, but where there's a will there is a way.

I'm going to end this because I'm trying hard to shorten my post. Until next time I leave you with a question: Are you happy or content with your life?

A frustrated Vent

For the first time in months I'm horny and lonely. Oh my god, it took me so long to find the right words to express that. After trying to write this blog three times I figure the straight forward Jay approach is going to be best. I've been single for about 9 months now and without sexual contact with another person (I've masturbated) in almost that amount of time. This really wasn't an issue for me. But now I'm looking at all the failed aspects of my life and I'm amazed that I actually put these two in the same category with other failures I have. Yes I'm young and I still have time, there is a guy out there for me, blah blah blah, save it! I don't remember who I am at times. I'm not the same person, I'm not the person I look in the mirror and see nor am I the person I write about, I sit alone and wonder who the hell I am. I realize that this is partly due to me being out of work and having very little to do with my free time, but something in this life has to give. -Back on track, sorry about that- So I have been extremely horny lately and thoughts of fucking with every dude I have come across is getting bad. I'm back to my college days when I could masturbate to the morning news or the tree branch blowing in the wind. Yes, it is that serious. I turn on porn just for the sound, get depressed, bust a nut and wonder who is around to give me head. These urges is a huge part of why I'm avoiding sexual contact right now. I have to control my urges and not let them control me, that's the true measure of a man to me. I just wish I had a companion, not friend, to share in this with me. oh well, life goes on.

I Me Mine

When does I, me, mine turn into we, us and our in a relationship. It appears that the togetherness of relationships have gone to the way of the selfish needs of the individual. If my needs are not met then I'm upset, no matter what your reason is. This is my money and if you don't have your own then I guess I will see you when I get back. This is my goal for life, live with it or leave. Have you ever caught yourself living with these words? Have you ever alienated a friend or love one because you only see the I me and mine? When does a relationship become about the us and our needs? When do our needs and goals transcend those of the individual? Aren't relationships, whether we are talking about a friendship or romantic relationship, about the merging of two souls, two wants to become that of the we, us and our?

I guess the superficial soul will only see a giving up of one's self, a change in their own personality to join the we, us and our, but isn't that the point. When we merge its because we are lacking something within ourselves that someone else can complete. A yearning for completion, to feel whole. Don't we think our single friends are incomplete because they are without a mate? For my religious people out there, don't we seek God because without him we are incomplete and empty? So yes, we are giving up part of ourselves for a better version of ourselves, the We, Us and Our that we need. Just a thought.

Just me....

Even though its almost 4 am on a Sunday morning in April and I should be sleep, I plan on staying true to myself and my blog. I will do what I normally do on my blog, I write what is going on with me.

I can't sleep and even though this is troubling because I realize something is wrong, I'm fine. I've come to terms with things that I can not control along time ago and I just continue on living. Now, what is troubling me is the Final Four game between North Carolina and Kansas I saw yesterday (Saturday). I knew it was possible that North Carolina could lose, I recognized Kansas as the most complete team in the tournament, but never did I think my Tar Heels would fall the way they had. With the energy of a marathon runner and the speed of a sprinter, Kansas ran up the score on a helpless shot potter in the wrong game. After three minutes of play, i wondered out loud, did the Tar Heel players and coaches realize this game had started and this was not a best of 5 series? Each player was out played by their counterpart and the Tar Heels seemed to be playing 1 on 5 basketball on offense. No one seeked helped from their teammate, instead tried to take the game over by themselves. The game was over before the second half and the powerful number 1 was out of the tournament. I will stand by my earlier prediction, the winner of the North Carolina and Kansas game will win the title, so go Jayhawks.

Over the weekend I attended a party and was quickly reminded why I never wanted a birthday party of my own. Maybe it is my own misunderstanding of social norms and customs, but I truly believe it is the obligation of the host of a party to ensure the enjoyment of all of those who attend. Sure, you can not please everyone nor be everywhere at once, however, laying the foundation of enjoyment for all is key. This is not a burden I want, mainly because as I got older the only enjoyment I felt obligated to was my own and I also didn't believe I had the skill to breath life into a party. A host is supposed to ensure that everything is perfect for his or her guests, a job that is thankless and normally every stressful. As a child, even as an adult, I never wanted my family to be the host family for family events or birthday parties because I didn't want to be burden with the cleaning, cooking and socializing that goes into a successful party. As the party went on and I saw sober boredom turn into drunken madness, I realized that those that stayed were not enjoying themselves but the liquor and the anticipation of something better. They stayed out of loyalty to the host and/or to the bottle. Unfortunately, some stayed because their ride fit into the categories above. I drove myself, but all other categories I would have to say I'm guilty as charged. Be I continue I will say that my enjoyment comes in the enjoyment of my friends and close associates so I was just fine. The problem is not all of those in attendance shared my plain life. The screams of boredom and frustration on the faces of many of those in attendance alarmed me but seemed to go unnoticed once again by those who hosted the party. I tried to make small talk and make myself available to those who sat blankly searching for signs of life in a party that they had deemed boring and uninteresting to them. What would I have done differently? I know that's the natural question to be asked, the honest inquiry of improvement or angry retort to the realization of truth. Honestly, as stated before, I don't like parties, especially those hosted by myself. I would not have had a party, but that is just me.

I will post again soon, I don't want to overload and completely alienate my readers. I will leave with this final thought: freedom is freeing but almost always comes at a cost. What are you willing to give for your personal freedom?