Jay's Distorted World

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

tuesday drags

Its funny, the more I hurt, the more I want to write. Writing helps me free the emotions that are trapped inside. Even though this forum is open to a public audience, I rarely write for my audience but for myself. Writing allows me to analyze myself and helps in my growth process. So as you read this, remember, I’m not writing to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m not writing for the enjoyment of anyone else. I write to release whats inside.

What’s inside? Today I left work at 6:22pm and wanted to text or call you. I’m glad I removed your number from my phone, because I would have called. I miss you. Things between us is left in your hands and I’m pretty sure, its over. That’s a fact that I have to learn to deal with and I’m managing. But anyway…I was stuck on a call I shouldn’t have had for over an hour, which caused me to leave work late. I was pissed because I was supposed to be at my old job at 6pm. When I made it to my old job I felt the love that was missing from my current job. The boys really made me feel missed. Hopefully I will be working back there soon.

I leave the way I have started and ended recent blogs. I miss you, wish things didn’t have to end. I do want you back . But I’m fighting the urge to go all out and fight for you, but why fight for someone that doesn’t want you? If you decide to change your mind, you have my number.

Monday, September 18, 2006

for you

i will miss you. it hurts to know that you will not be apart of my life. just know i meant everything i said and tried to show you how a relationship could work.

monday rant

This past weekend has been one of change, reflection and emptiness. As of Saturday, it is officially over between me and ‘A.’ It still hurts to admit that. The whole break up still doesn’t sit well with me. On one hand I believe that ‘A’ has found someone else or wanted someone that was physically closer to his equal (might just be my insecurities). As a whole, the relationship seems to have ended way too early. Honestly, I thought we had at least another year and half together. We had some things that we were working on, but nothing that seemed major. I guess the problem with me and relationships is no one wants to listen and believe me. Last time ‘A’ told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, I said ok, I would wait. Then we began to spend more time together and then he decided we should make it official and say we are dating. It was odd, his actions always said he was happy, we were going to be happy, but I guess he was just pretending (dammitt you should be an actor). So in an effort to move on, I had to cut all ties with ‘A’ which means deleting his number and aim screen name. I didn’t want to, but even after all of that, I found myself texting him like 10 times on Sunday, of course I couldn’t send it, but the fact of the matter was I was doing it. I know I love him and hope he magically becomes ready or realizes what we had was real before this month is up, because I’m pretty sure when this month is up, the chance for us will be gone.

Saturday, I went clubbing. Was not into it. I spent most of the night thinking about ‘A’ and didn’t see too much that would keep my attention. I stayed until 2am, went back to my hotel room (I got a room so I could be alone) and tried to go to sleep. I ended up texting ‘A’ at like 3 in the morning, spilling out what was on my mind. You would have thought I was drunk, but I still haven’t had a drink since the car incident in Atlanta. Sunday I went to church, relaxed at home and got some head. Ok, I settled for just the head, but I probably should have just fucked dude, because I didn’t feel anything. It was empty and pointless.

Bright spot of the weekend was I spent time with Tony (like 10 minutes combined this weekend…lol). I can still honestly see myself dating Tony, but we both know we have to work on our trust issues with each other…ok really my issue with not trusting him, but he knows why. But that will take time if anything will happen.

My life seems to be crumbling, but like a phoenix, from the ashes, I will be reborn and shine brighter.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Yea I told Mike you had a date. I’m not taking it back, you are not going to play my best friend. Hope you didn’t think you were going to get away with that shit. Say what you want about me, I’m right and you don’t have to worry about talking to me. I don’t play that shit.

over

So its over! Things between Antwonne and I are over and I think its over for good. After almost a year of messing around, months of being with just each other, and three months of officially dating, Antwonne said he isn’t ready for a relationship. A small part of me believes that, but a greater part of me still believes its fear of what could happen. I thought we were good together, despite some disagreements and emotional conversations, I thought we were happy. I allowed myself to open up with Antwonne like I promised myself I would never do again. I mean I love/loved Tony, but I held back, didn’t want to get hurt, but with Antwonne I gave my all. I sacrificed all of me, gave him completely, but that was either too much or not much enough. I just wanted some attention from Antwonne, I know it seemed like something was always wrong with me, I always had a problem, but the truth of the matter was, i was happiest with Antwonne and just wanted to talk out all our issues so we could spend the majority of our life together. With Antwonne I found love again, with Antwonne I’m leaving love behind again. Sure I know most, if not all, of you reading this will say you have to learn from this experience and continue to love. Shit, that’s my advice. But that’s not in the cards for me right now. Being happy in the company of a significant other doesn’t seem to be in my cards. Tony said it best, you only can hear, “it’s me not you,” so many times before you realize it’s really you. Either it’s my personality or I choose the wrong people.

That’s it. And let me answer the most frequently asked questions right now. No I’m not ok. No I don’t want to talk about it and no I won’t. If your question wasn’t answered in this post, guess what…they won’t be!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

NO UNDERWEAR, OPEN DOORS AND CLUBBING

IT WAS ATL SHORTEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 1, 2006, 4:30pm, I walked out of work (even though I am supposed to get off at 5:30pm) and headed home to pick up my bags for my trip. I made it to the airport early and to my surprise, ‘A’ was there also, and our trip to Atlanta was starting off great. We sat in the airport talking and grabbed something to eat while we waited for our flight. I didn’t feel the excitement until the plane was in the air. The trip had begun.

After spending over an hour waiting for our rent a car, we made our way to the hotel. With my handy sidekick II, we made it to the hotel with no problem. Once at the hotel there was no room to fool around, we had to shower and get dressed, we were already late for the first night of clubbing. By 2am we were stationed in front of a shack. This hood ass club looked like a juke joint in the south during the 40s. The only thing worse than the appearance of the club was the air conditioning or lack there of. Walking into that club was what I imagine walking into an oven would feel. It was humid inside the club and apparently Atlanta has no law against smoking weed in clubs because I swear I was high by the time I walked the length of the first bar. We reached ‘A’s’ friends and I felt uncomfortable. These were his ex’s friends and I was pretty sure I was the least liked person in that room. I tried to remain unbothered by the situation but it was hard. His ex’s best friend’s boyfriend, Marcus, was cool and was the first to speak to me. That was all I needed. I began to roam around the club and really find myself. I opened up and let go. By the time ‘A’s’ ex and his friends were ready to leave I was relaxed and felt comfortable around them. ‘A’ and I stayed until we were kicked out of the club.

The next day was definitely an experience. Now, excuse me while I vent. The state of Georgia seems to have a fucking problem with underwear. We went to two shit holes they called malls and several other stories looking for a decent pair of underwear and couldn’t find anything. Do the whores in Atlanta wear underwear?

We gave up on our search because we had to take another shower and head over to Marcus and Rodger’s (Rodger is ‘A’s’ ex’s best friend) house for the party. Your boy was looking hot! I had on a light blue Express polo, white linen pants and white canvas shoes. Once at the party shit went wrong. I talked with Marcus about the state of underwear in Atlanta. I was not really surprised when he told me he ordered his underwear online. Now I was really convinced that underwear was not allowed to be sold in Atlanta. We were offered drinks and of course we accepted. I really didn’t like my drink but I hate wasting alcohol so I downed the drink. When I went back for another drink the problem of the night began. Another friend, whose name escapes me, tried to play me and my ability to drink. Now I’m not an alcoholic but I never back down from a challenge. He thought he was going to be able to drink me under the table, we would test that. He bought out two double shot glasses and filled them to the top. I took mine back like a champ and watched him drink his drink. I had ordered another drink before the challenge and I reminded him that I still wanted my vodka with a splash of lemonade. I socialized with the other people who joined the party before having 2 more double shots. The next thing I remembered was asking ‘A’ to pull over. After that I remember waking up with scares and my linen pants were destroyed.

In the morning ‘A’ filled in the blanks for me. Apparently, I dropped my pants at the party and let everyone feel on my white H&M underwear, danced on the refrigerator and this was the minor thing. Everyone decided to go to the club after the party so it was still party time (I don’t remember any of this). Everyone got into their cars and headed out, ‘A’ and I were in the back of the parade of cars. We were headed to the highway when I had to throw up, I tapped ‘A’ and asked him to pull over. He told me no and to just throw up out of the window. Bad move. Drunk and still stubborn out of my mind, I opened the door to throw up. The problem was ‘A’ was still driving. He said he made a left turn and when he turned to look at me I was holding on with one arm to the car door while the rest of my body dragged outside. By the time ‘A’ stopped the car and got around to the passenger side of the car, I was back in my seat and unbothered by what had happened. To no surprise of my own, I got upset with everyone when they came over to see how I was doing and find out what had happened. I was ok and ready to go to the club. We got to the club and before we could get out of the car, I informed ‘A’ I needed to go back to the hotel.

Now I felt horrible in the morning when I heard the end of that story. I knew ‘A’ really wanted to go out Saturday night and I messed that up. He took care of me despite the fact I ruined his night. I wanted to find a way to repay him. Later that night I did a little something, we went out clubbing. I say that was a little something because I honestly didn’t want to go out. My body needed to rest and I wanted to spend time in the pool. We partied all night and ‘A’ definitely looked like he enjoyed himself, which made me feel a little better. I made jokes about what happened on Saturday but it bothered me that my drinking had ruined ‘A’s’ perfect trip. That still bothers me. That was the last time I had a drink, I had a water Sunday when we went to the club.

Monday, before we left Georgia we spent a couple of hours with my family that is down there. We did my family’s favorite past time, we went bowling. Now my family (father’s side) is filled with a bunch of outgoing, funny, hyper competitive individuals so we had a great time. This was the first time ‘A’ seemed like himself around my family (even though this was the first time he was around this part of my family). My aunt and uncle tried to make him feel at home and also gave him some bowling tips. We left Georgia feeling like we had fun but wished we had more time.

Overall, ATL was an experience I won’t forget and it was a blast, but I still owe ‘A.’

YOU MAKE ME SMILE

You probably don’t know it, but something you said (texted) last night meant more to me than anything else said. You mean the world to me (not literally of course, because you know when Ray Lewis or Ne-YO gives me that call I’m out…lol) and I’m going to try to continue to make you smile.