Blah Blah Blah

When I started this blog page/site, I intended on posting a new blog every week, maybe even twice a week. I have fallen way short of that goal. One part of this short comings is the chaos that is running through my life. I'm trying to keep up the image that my life is going well, that I have a plan. The truth is, I'm lost! I have no direction in my life right now.

I should start with the area in my life I want/need to change the most. I hate my job! I'm doing what I thought I wanted to do when I came out of college. I chose a profession that I could help others and make a difference in the world, that is not happening in anymore. I work in a group home that is supposed to be run as a non-profit organization. The problem has become that the main concern is money and not the welfare and safety of those who are in the group home (residents as well as staff). I don't feel that we (the staff) are helping to mode positive members of society nor are we helping these young men deal with their past issues. We have become a high priced half-way house. No longer can we say we are a haven for children, but a stomping ground for the future 3 time felons of the country. So with a heavy heart and a sense of defeat clouding over my head, I'm quitting. I found a new job and will be starting over soon!

Love...I try to live my life based on logic, rational thinking. I need everything to be black and white, a set of definite rules. But I have fallen in love and find myself breaking all the rules I have set for myself, making irrational decisions and doing illogical decisions. What is this thing called love exactly? I'm bound by this emotion that makes no sense. It is keeping me drawn to someone that admittedly is not looking for a relationship. Has me giving all of myself with no intention of receiving anything in return. I'm in LOVE. My heart has opened up to this unforgiving emotion that creates its own weakness in the human psyche. I tried to ignore this feeling, tried to ignore the existence of that person, but dammit, love would not allow it. Being away from him made me release how much I needed to be around him. I tried meeting someone else, even had a sexual encounter or two, but love was right there to let me know it was wrong. So I have given in to love. Allowing Love to encourage my thoughts and my decision making, as irrational as it is. I know I should have ran when he told me he just wanted to be friends. Know I should have given up when he said I wasn't the man he dreamed about. But I'm still around. Still spending weekends with him, buying his dinner, and giving him my body. Hopefully Love knows what it is doing, because I don't.

What does all of this mean? I'm single, unhappy with my job and in love with a friend and not sure where things are going. I'm a logical person who fell in love doing irrational things...If my life isn't filled with distortions I don't know what it is.

Testing the waters

ok i'm going to try this blog thing out, not sure how often i'm going to do this but i'm sure i will have something of interest or debate to write about to so stay tuned.

i guess i should start with what has been on my mind the past couple of months. i fell in love with someone which is something i'm not used to doing. i normally keep people to a distant, try to avoid the attachment of making friends or getting into a serious relationship, but it happens. the problem is i don't kno where this is headed or how the other person really feels. i'm stubbourn to the core and can't understand why someone doesn't want to be with me. i'm not ugly (ok, i'm not the most attractive person in the world and i damn sure don't have a six pack...but ugly, i'm far from that), i have a job and when i care for someone, they get treated like royality. I keep hearing the same old bullshit, its not you its me, but by the third person that shit gets old and tired, and you really begin to look at u and wonder, is it really me? i mean if its truely the issues of the other person, does that mean i'm a magnetic for the mentally unstable, the relationship challenged members of society? or is there something about my personality that screams, RUN AWAY? i'm trying to figure this out and not completely give up on the idea of being in a relationship, but it is difficult. a casual relationship seems to be all that people want or can handle from me, so should i settle for that?

thats it for this entry, when i get the hang of this blog thing and know how to restrict some viewers i will be more graphic and detailed but for now this tease will have to do. hit me up with ur comments