Jay's Distorted World

Friday, May 30, 2008

Love Lost

I've come to terms with why I'm single. *sigh* I was out today with a friend of mine, just enjoying his company, laughing and being myself and it hit me, among all the cute guys that walked by, in the crowd of possibilities laid the answer to why I am still single and haven't been on a real date in awhile. The answer hit me as fast as I had hit the ignore button on the phone call that came in, faster than the instant message I responded to and quicker than I ignored the last text message that came through on my sidekick. I'm single because I tend to put my friends before a possibility. By the time I'm ready to commit to someone its too late and I have done everything to push them away. *ugh* This is my life and I'm dealing with it. I realize I need to find a balance between my friends and "dates" but I just haven't figured out the right balance for me yet. Right now I think I don't really want to put my all into someone because I'm still not working and wouldn't be able to give to that person like I want (ok, I realize most comments will center around me giving time, but I want to bring more than just time to the table. Hell, time is all I've asked from some of my other dates or boyfriends in the past and I paid, but that's just it, I've paid. I want to be in the position to spoil someone the way I want to be spoiled.) so I'm shying away some. June is approaching, I'll be working again, maybe things will change. Maybe someone will understand me and stick it out until I"m ready. But until then I will continue to be happy with me.

I hope to post again this weekend, maybe sunday, about other things that have been going on recently but I have to run now. Sorry for the long run on paragraph...it happens. Enjoy your weekend

Labels: ,

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Code of Jay

I'm a fan of the showtime show, Dexter and I thought in a tribute of sorts I would do my own code of harry. I code which I live by even though it may seem shady to some. Enjoy.

The code of Jay:

1. Never intentionally hurt those close to you. If you have to question your actions before you go through with them, consult someone or just don't do them, 9 times out of 10 you are about to do the wrong thing. These people also are your support system, which you will need.

2. Speak the truth. This is the only time you can hurt someone intentionally, but they need to know the truth and down the line a lie hurts a lot more. The truth also eliminates most drama in less than perfect relationships. If someone knows they are a jump off there is no confusion to their role.

3. Own up to your flaws. Be a man and recognize who you really are. Takes the sting away when others point out your short comings.

4. Apologize when you are wrong. Sometimes we make mistakes, but we need to own up to them and apologize, ownership is the key to maturity.

5. Consistency. Treat everyone and every situation the same. special treatment gets us all in trouble and allows a gray area in life. Most things in life should be black and white.

6. Stand by your word. What you say about someone behind their back, be prepared to say it to their face. Stand by your word. If you make a promise, give your word, stick with it.

7. Remind those close to you how special they are to you. Appreciate the people that understand you, because without them you may be lost.

Those are my codes I try hard to live by. I've done some questionable things in my life, but for the most part I've lived by these rules. I'm not perfect, nor have I claimed to be, but I do try to live by a certain code, certain rules. Pretty sure some of you are snickering right now, probably get some comments saying I'm full of shit, but we shall see. If you think your comment is private you can text me if you have the number or email me (I think its on my profile), until next time...

Monday, May 19, 2008

My Noah's Arc character is...


For some time some of my friends have tried to fit their lives as a character on a show, try to pick out who most costly fits their character. One show in particular is Noah's Arc. Many of my friends love the show and try to see who fits them closely. I will admit that I really don't watch the show, hell, last night was the first time I actually watched an entire episode (actually watched the entire second season) because I thought the acting was poor and didn't think any of the characters were actually believable. Well it has happened, I figured out who I am. I have found my attractive, sexy, toned alter ego...you can call me "Guy" from now on. I realize I shouldn't want to compare myself with him, but you tell me what you think.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Update on my life and love

The past couple of weeks have been great for me. I've had time to think, reflect, relax and just be me with no thought of anyone else. In short, I've just been me. I took a break from "the crew," to re find myself and the direction of my life, hang out with a new group of people and just be alone. I've been around more people recently that don't drink, which for me, at this point in my life, I really need and it has been a good experience. As stated in a previous post, I used to drink a lot but I have recently given up on the bottle for the sober life, so I'm trying to take this change on the same way an alcoholic would. I'm trying to stay away from temptation and find new things to do and even people, that aren't centered around drinking. I've been out to dinners, bars and bowling, places where there are an abundance of drinks, but the people I have been around aren't big drinkers so if someone had a wine cooler it was a big deal and a shock to the rest of the people we were with. I love it! This isn't for everyone, and this isn't to say that those people who drink are bad or immoral, its just change for me, something that I'm doing differently for me.

I'm still single and it is becoming more of a bother to me as the weeks go on. I met this great guy, well I've known him for a few years but out friendship has turned into something different recently. He is a good guy, but that seems to be the kiss of death for me. There is no fire, no passion between us and I'm wondering why I won't let myself be happy with a good guy. I mean he is everything I thought I wanted. He is smart, loving, caring, tall, handsome, masculine, has his own, constant, and employed, all the qualities I love in a man, but it just seems like something is missing. On one hand I think its my love for one of my exs (in this case Tony) that is holding me back, but that really hasn't stopped me before and I had this problem prior to ever meeting Tony. But blaming someone else would be easy, give me a quick solution to a complex problem that has been bothering me for years. On another hand I just think its me being afraid to allow someone someone so right to love me. almost as if I think that I'm not worth being loved the way I want to be. This guy is not without his flaws but the baggage that tends to make me want to stay around and deal with someone else's bullshit is not there, he really comes off like he wants to make me happy. I'm not ready to cast him aside because he does do the little things that make me smile and feel warm inside even though he has no idea, but I can't ignore the feeling that something is missing.

As hinted above, my feelings for my friend Tony has returned. We have had a strange relationship since we first met about five years ago (wow it may have been longer than that). We fight, we argue, but we seem to be the other person in the world that can deal with the other on their worst day. A relationship with Tony won't work right now for sure because he has a boyfriend and for the first time I actually don't dislike or have any ill feelings toward this one. He seems like a good guy (it won't work...lol) but I know something is lacking in their relationship even if Tony won't admit it. Tony holds a special place in my heart and I in his, so we give each other the quality time that we need. I can see myself with him, but I'm not going to push that issue, if it is ever meant to be it will happen, but I love our friendship even though it is keeping me from having a boyfriend (he knows why).

Shit, I have to run, on my way out with my best friend to celebrate his birthday. This birthday season has to end quickly because all these birthday dinners are killing me. Come August I just want a happy birthday text and I'll be good...lol

Labels: ,

Monday, May 12, 2008

Monday

Today was a great day for me. the weather was perfect, gray skies, cool breeze, high winds and even some rain in the morning, man I loved it all. I locked myself away in my room for most of the day, not wanting to do anything or be bothered with anyone else's life. I put my phone on silent and just enjoyed a lazy day. Yes, some of you would say that this is a sign of depression or a problem, but others will agree that space/ time alone is needed and even a beautiful think. Today was the perfect day for me. Everyone stayed in their own rooms in and out of sleep, watching their own t.v., giving each other their needed space. There was nothing wrong, no thinking being done, just relaxing, just being lazy. The weather was great for what I wanted to do today and I did exactly what I wanted to do...nothing.

Happy Monday all.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Tuesday at the Garden

After attending Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige's concert, I have to do the mature thing and apologize for most of the negative remarks I've made toward Mary recently. Sure, she is still no Jill Scott or Tamia, but she is definitely better than the Mary of old.

Dream led off the concert with a surprisingly good performance. Vocally he was lacking, but lets give him credit, he is a writer by trade. What he lacked in vocal ability he gave the crowd in performance. He worked the stage like a true professional, I almost forgot he is a new artist. The older couple in front of us were unfamiliar with Dream even though he did all three of his songs that are currently getting spins on the radio and listed a few of the current hits that he wrote that are also being played regularly on the radio, but by the end of his performance the older gentleman turned asked us who he was, the correct spelling of his name and told his wife, "I liked him." Dream was not fooled and did not try to hide the fact that the crowd was here to see Mary and Jay, he actually made several jokes about it before introducing the dynamic duo.

The energy in Madison Square Garden was unbelievable. The Garden was packed, and everyone went crazy when Mary and Jay appeared on screen for a pre-recorded interview and the noise and energy only grew once they appeared on stage together. The love that was sent down toward those two artist was crazy, I don't know if I was them if I could have held it together and fought back tears. Mary was amazing. Her voice is not perfect, nor is it very polished, but in my opinion, she sounded better tonight live than she has in some of her CDs. Everyone sung along with her, at one point she just watched in total disbelief as the crowd sung an entire song without her. At that moment I thought she was going to loose it and start crying. For about a hour and a half she gave us her all and performed her ass off.

Jay-Z came out to cheers of Hova, Hova, Hova...unwilling to let the energy die down for a second he just kept banging out hits from his catalog. New, old, older and back again, he flowed with the live band, with the crowd and all alone with just a spotlight on. The man didn't have to do much for anyone to realize that he is the King of NYC! Everyone stood to there feet and rapped along with him and just gave him so much love. But when I thought the energy level could not get any higher, thought the crowd had finally hit its highest note, Jay shocked the world. "What do you want to hear next," he began giving us snippets of his hits that he hadn't performed yet, teasing the crowd with hooks of songs they desperately wanted to hear. He played a snippet of "Bonnie and Clyde," the crowd went nuts believing Beyonce would come out, she didn't. Seeing the crowds reaction he played a quick snippet of "Bday," stopped it and said, "no disrespect B, but I don't want to hear that shit." Then the diva herself walked out with her fiercest catwalk to date, the crowd went bananas. She danced a little, then left stage without a word. It was hot! Jay could do nothing but laugh and wait a moment so he could compose himself.

The entire concert was hot! Mary and Jay are definitely the King and Queen of NYC if not the hip hop world. They both had one special guest come out and perform with them (not giving away any details, go see it for yourself) that ripped it as well. I'm glad I went and experienced this first hand, because those of you who know me well know how I feel about Mary so I started not to go.

Labels: , ,

speaking my mind/speaking out

It seems like years ago I was deep in my party and drinking days with no fear or care in the world. As life went on, I realized how my behavior was unhealthy. It took a near death experience for me to fully understand what I was doing to myself, realize that my actions did have consequences, whether that be immediate or down the line.

So here I am, looking at my past in the situation of others. Let me go back a little. I used to drink and drink heavy. I don't think a lot of my friends now know the extent to how much I used to drink. Sure they have heard stories but to be around during that part of my life, to actually see how bad things were is another thing. Sure people have seen me drink, even get drunk at parties but that was nothing. During my work week, my day ended with me having at least a tall glass of Baracdi Gold and orange juice. My day offs would begin with a drink and normally would end with me driving home drunk. I was very functional and many times people didn't know that I had had a drink or three (why have 2 when clearly I could handle another?). I started drinking at work (ok working with kids is very stressful and I don't smoke, give me a break) and didn't see a problem with what I was doing. I wasn't hurting anyone. I totaled my car but blamed the weather on my accident and not the 5 drinks I had at the club that night. I didn't have a problem at all, because when you partied with me the party was where ever I was, yes, there was always a bottle in my car. Where were my friends telling me to slow down or I may have a problem? Normally, they were right next to me. Should someone have said something to me about my $120 a week habit, warned me about the long term effects? I'll let you answer that question, by posing this one, if it was crack wouldn't you expect a friend to check you?

With that being said, I see some friends going down that road that I was once driving down. Claiming to be a social drinker but still drinking alone when there was no one looking. So instead of sitting around not doing anything, ignoring the pink elephant in the room, I will say something. Tell my friend to slow it down. I'm not saying you need to stop completely, hell, I'm not even saying you can't get drunk at a party once in awhile, but I will say is this:

1. Know why you are drinking? Drinking to avoid your problems only enhances your problems and most of the time creates more problems.

2. Drinking can become an expensive habit.

3. Not remembering what you did the night before is not cool, its stupid.

4. You are no longer a social drinker when you begin drinking alone.

5. Finding social events so you can drink, does mean you have a problem.

6. Life is short, but that doesn't mean you have to make it shorter.

Well I'm done for now, blogging from my phone is killing my eyes.

Labels: , ,

Friday, May 02, 2008

blah blah blah relationship talk from my phone

The weather has been simply amazing these last couple of days. Cool and sunny or cool and gloomy, either way I love it. These are the days I love. Days in the fall when the tress are changing colors, a light jacket or sweater is all that is needed to stroll around the park, nights laying next to that special person watching nothing on tv while talking about bullshit. Its spring in NJ and mother nature is feeling fall right now. But like mother nature, I need to let go of fall and spring foward to something new.

I don't want to make any more changes to myself in fear that the complete me will show out. I feel like jean grey sometimes, feel like I'm in a constant fight with myself to hold down the dark Phoenix within. I come off as an asshole or jerk sometimes because I am very opinionated and don't like to back down when I feel as though I'm right, however, the true wrath of my mouth and views are rarely seen or heard. But anyway, I ran off subject, let me go back. I want to be in a relationship and I think to do that I need to start over rather than look to the comfort of loves once had. Must of my reader are aware of the story of 'A' (not going over it again), we are cool, definitely want him in my life but as he and I have discussed a relationship between us won't happen, which I'm ok with. Then there is Tony. I've known, dated, messed around with Tony long before there was an 'A' and he is still around. Love him to death, but right now a relationship with him can't work, but like 'A' I want him in my life as a friend. I say that almost to remind myself that I can't have them, but also to move forward. Its easy to keep running back to that which is comfortable and known. Don't get it twisted, if the right situation presented itself with either of them and I'm still single, there will be a post on how I'm giving them a try once again...lol. But since that's not going to happen, I think I want to start fresh and meet new people. I want to deal with someone different instead of someone from my past. I don't believe in the perfect guy nor do I have an ideal type, so I'm going forward to the unknown toward my sunshine. Wish me luck.

Labels: , , , ,