Update on my life and love

The past couple of weeks have been great for me. I've had time to think, reflect, relax and just be me with no thought of anyone else. In short, I've just been me. I took a break from "the crew," to re find myself and the direction of my life, hang out with a new group of people and just be alone. I've been around more people recently that don't drink, which for me, at this point in my life, I really need and it has been a good experience. As stated in a previous post, I used to drink a lot but I have recently given up on the bottle for the sober life, so I'm trying to take this change on the same way an alcoholic would. I'm trying to stay away from temptation and find new things to do and even people, that aren't centered around drinking. I've been out to dinners, bars and bowling, places where there are an abundance of drinks, but the people I have been around aren't big drinkers so if someone had a wine cooler it was a big deal and a shock to the rest of the people we were with. I love it! This isn't for everyone, and this isn't to say that those people who drink are bad or immoral, its just change for me, something that I'm doing differently for me.

I'm still single and it is becoming more of a bother to me as the weeks go on. I met this great guy, well I've known him for a few years but out friendship has turned into something different recently. He is a good guy, but that seems to be the kiss of death for me. There is no fire, no passion between us and I'm wondering why I won't let myself be happy with a good guy. I mean he is everything I thought I wanted. He is smart, loving, caring, tall, handsome, masculine, has his own, constant, and employed, all the qualities I love in a man, but it just seems like something is missing. On one hand I think its my love for one of my exs (in this case Tony) that is holding me back, but that really hasn't stopped me before and I had this problem prior to ever meeting Tony. But blaming someone else would be easy, give me a quick solution to a complex problem that has been bothering me for years. On another hand I just think its me being afraid to allow someone someone so right to love me. almost as if I think that I'm not worth being loved the way I want to be. This guy is not without his flaws but the baggage that tends to make me want to stay around and deal with someone else's bullshit is not there, he really comes off like he wants to make me happy. I'm not ready to cast him aside because he does do the little things that make me smile and feel warm inside even though he has no idea, but I can't ignore the feeling that something is missing.

As hinted above, my feelings for my friend Tony has returned. We have had a strange relationship since we first met about five years ago (wow it may have been longer than that). We fight, we argue, but we seem to be the other person in the world that can deal with the other on their worst day. A relationship with Tony won't work right now for sure because he has a boyfriend and for the first time I actually don't dislike or have any ill feelings toward this one. He seems like a good guy (it won't work...lol) but I know something is lacking in their relationship even if Tony won't admit it. Tony holds a special place in my heart and I in his, so we give each other the quality time that we need. I can see myself with him, but I'm not going to push that issue, if it is ever meant to be it will happen, but I love our friendship even though it is keeping me from having a boyfriend (he knows why).

Shit, I have to run, on my way out with my best friend to celebrate his birthday. This birthday season has to end quickly because all these birthday dinners are killing me. Come August I just want a happy birthday text and I'll be good...lol