Jay's Distorted World

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

new year's resolution

Ok I normally don't make new years resolution, actually it was a resoultion of mine some years ago not to make any resolutions any more. This year I don't know if I should call it a resolution or not, but their were three things I wanted to accomplish.

1. Meet my little brother Matt face to face. This was completed in April. We weren't able to spend a lot of time together but just getting the opportunity to see him in person was great. Matt and I have been friends for over 10 years now. He was the first openly gay male I had any type of relationship with. We met online via yahoo chat when he was 13 and I was 18 (he lied about his age and once I got over the lie I realized his age didn't matter since we would never be more than friends). We have been each others rock, support, sounding board for years but never met face to face, but that didn't affect how I felt about him. He was/is like a brother to me. Anyway, on his way back from washington dc he made a pit stop to nj and we shared brunch together. It was matt, his two boyfriends, mike and I at the cheesecake factory. I must admit my little brother has grown to be an attractive man and he was more masculine than I thought he would be. Unlike some other internet friendships that ended once we met, nothing has changed with our relationship.

2. Spend some time with Lamar. After losing contact with Lamar for three years, and finally getting back in contact with him I decided I wanted to see my friend. I could have waited until the summer, waited until washington pride, but let's face it, tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone. So this past weekend I went down to visit him.I already knew he was doing pretty good as we talk almost everyday, so the meeting was cool. He doesn't look like he aged at all, he lost some weight (not that he was fat or chubby before). I was happy to see my friend. We still disagree on why things didn't work between us romantically but we have moved so far past that that we can actually laugh at each others version of what happened (even though my version is what really happened). It wasn't my ideal weekend but I'm trying to block a lot of that weekend out.

3. Be in a relationship. This has yet to happen for me, and thinking about it I think 'A' was my last relationship (if you can call it that)...oops wait I dated B (should I even count that?)? People have come and gone, no one has really sustained my interest or I haven't sustained their's. Part of me thinks about the one I was oh so in love with last year, wonder whose life he is ruining now, wondering how he is, but then reality smacks me across my face and reminds me that that ship no only has sailed but sunk faster than the titantic. He won't be able to be the stable person in my life that I would like and if I look at things with my eyes wide open I know he isn't ready to be. Relationships take work and sometimes, what some of us don't realize, a change in friends. It is almost impossible to be in a successful relationship when your friends are whores, single, bed hoppers, single, unstable, jealous. As long as negative bitter forces are allowed to surround your life and love things are destined to fail. There is a guy now that is jocking to be my mate, but I'm unsure. I want someone older, someone more stable, but this young man says and does all the right things. It has been hinted, suggested that I not give this person any thought because he has been around the block, the county, state and country, but really which one of us doesn't have a past? A hoe can't be made into a housewife but that doesn't mean a hoe can't become a housewife if they choose to change their ways. We haven't done anything because I don't want to ruin our friendship if it isn't meant to be.

Ok, that's it for right now, trying to type on my phone is killing my eyes. Talk to you later.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

He kept me!

ok, i came across this video on youtube, an older song that means so much to me right now. one of those things that pop up at the right time. Just wanted to share

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

just single me

I'm still waiting on Mr. Right to show up at my house, holding my favorite flowers, a nice card and saying all the things I want to hear. Lol, yea I know that's not going to happen. But can I find someone with compatible values, views and interest? Someone I enjoy communicating with when we are apart, together and when I'm going through one of my moods. Ugh...good guys tend to bore me, mainly because the ones I have met we share no common interest. Bad boys, are boys first and thus a major problem, but secondly don't want a relationship but give me the balance and companionship I enjoy. I know some people think its the challenge, the hunt that turns me on, however, it isn't, and I know that to be true for myself. I tend to hold on to someone for a couple of months, try to work things out, ignore the signs of incompatibility or conflicting needs, until I no longer can take lying to myself and finally say "this won't work, no matter how much I want it to." It hurts to say bye to the good guy, especially when he has done nothing wrong. I feel like I'm responsible for tearing down another man's pure and good nature and creating another self-indulgent boy. Then I end up being disgusted with myself when the bad guy reveals his true nature and I'm left alone, even though I could see past his mask at the very beginning.

Ok ok let me stop, I'm at work and need to focus on this. Hope there isn't too many errors since I can't read what I wrote on this phone. If something is terribly wrong I know I will get a text from dammit.

Saturday, February 28, 2009


I'm tired of the whole Chris Brown and Rhianna domestic violence thing, can we please just wait to hear all the details before we pass judgement? However, that does open the door to my very short post this morning. Domestic violence is serious, and no one should be coming home and whipping on their spouse because they have no other way of expressing themselves, but lets be clear, there is a difference between domestic violence and losing a fight. If your spouse is beating on you because they are losing a verbal argument, had a bad day at work, caught you cheating, didn't like how you made the meatloaf, etc., those are clear signs of abuse/domestic violence. However, if you physically attack someone you are dating and they end up whipping your ass, you just lost a fight. I'm tired of people being the aggressor, getting their ass whipped and then hiding behind their sex, gender, orientation and/or age to gain pity and support. What happened to equality? What happened to men and woman striving to be equal? Let's be clear, I don't believe anyone has the right to put their hands on another, but if you choose to turn an argument physical, the other person has every right to whip that ass! I know some will disagree and say a man has no right to ever put his hands on a woman, and I will say you are wrong and hope you don't end up being a silent victim of domestic violence as so many other men are.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Unions, Jobs and Strikes

So on the eve of a possible strike at my job I sit in front of the computer with the classifieds open and multiple websites open concerning possible new jobs. Our union's contract is up and neither the company or the union seem to be on the same page as far as a new contract goes. The company wants to take incentives, vacation and forgo any raises (even though the company has been expanding and posting profits)and the union hasn't been on a strike in years so they want to flex their muscles, leaving us, the workers to wonder if we are going to be able to pay our bills. Of course this great state that I live and work in does not support workers out on strike (no, I can't apply for unemployment, I already checked) and the unions strike fund will only give me enough to pay my monthly car insurance and nothing else. I'm not stressing, believe that God will make a way.

Friday, January 09, 2009

New year...Obama

Ok for 2009 I have decided to change the format of my blog. I plan on posting once a week (twice if I actually get time). I plan on posting short, blast of thought. A compressed rant focusing on one clear issues, devoid of wordy sentences and phrases, something quick to share. These will be my thoughts, feelings, views and if no one cares to share a comment or doesn’t agree with what I have to share, I can care less.


OMG, I have never seen a president elect give so many damn press conferences in my life. Hell, Obama has been on the TV as much as Bush has been in his eight years as president (ok, that also goes to the job Bush did in office but that is neither here nor there). I took today off work to get some rest, turned to watch an educational show (Jerry Springer) and here is this Mr. Obama on the screen. Ok, we get it, the economy is bad and everyone is to blame for it, yes most of us understand that it will take time for economic stability to come back (despite what some may believe, Obama is not going to get sworn in to office and magically everything is going to get better), we know that you need to change some of your campaign promises, now get your ass off my television, fuck your wife, go read Harry Porter to your kids and put Jerry Springer back on! Let’s be clear, the biggest one night thing Obama will be achieve as president has already been accomplished. He has given hope that anyone can achieve their goal with the best group of people around them, enough money and the right set of circumstances no matter what their nationality is. To expect some immediate change is down right foolish!

Welcome to my blog 2009…lol

Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Let me start this post off by saying I apologize for my absence. Instead of reporting life I decided to take some time and actually live life. I haven't had time to sit and focus my energy on formulating words to express all that i have done, seen or experienced. I didn't want to throw up a quick post that was dry and emotionless so I decided to take a break from blogging. Now that that's out the way, on to my new post...

In a few hours 2008 will be over and a new year will becoming in and like most people I took some time to reflect on the year 2008. As most of my readers have come accusmosted to I plan on pissing some people off with my truths about myself, relationships and future, but unlike most other times I could careless and I won't be issuing any apologizes.

2008 was a regression of sorts for me, I have distanced myself from the "group" and focused more on developing "me." Growing up I was never one to be surrounded by a whole lot of people, didn't like doing things in a group, one friend or none was perfectly fine for me. So, what does that mean? I haven't been a frequent visitor to any "group" functions and I have been venturing out on my own. I have limited my interaction to a very small group of people during this period of time mainly because I wanted to surround myself with people who share similar values/morals/goals as myself, which I can not say is true of everyone that I chilled with in 2007/early 2008. This doesn't mean those people were bad people or amoral, just our views on things were conflicting and before our conflicting views caused a major problem I had to distant myself. I'm trying to get into a relationship, find someone that respects me and themselves as much as I will them, and let's face it, you can't expect most people to take you seriously or respect you if the people you associate yourself with display whorish tendency or morals are less than desirable. Ouch, that may have hurt, but it's true. I want to meet someone, enjoy a conversation before sex, enjoy my friends without fear of one of my friends trying to holla behind my back.

I'm still single and I can't sit here and say I'm happily single, however, I'm not going to settle for a temporary fix or short-term fling. We shall see what 2009 holds for me, but I won't hold my breath.

I'm doing ok. Unhappy with my job but ready to make a needed change again and doing things to change my situation. My current job just has been a ball of misery. The work itself is stressful and I'm surrounded by a bunch of bitches. So, I decided I want to go back to work in a group home with adolescent males. Even when that job was stressful, I still had a sense that that was where I was supposed to be, that I was doing the work I was created to do. Sometimes I guess it takes us to experience something else to find out what we are missing in our life.

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do try to plan on doing things differently for the upcoming year. This year I plan to make two trips no matter what or who comes up. I found my best friend Lamar this year and our relationship is better now than it was before, now I want to see if we can actually be in each others company. We planned a couple of times this year to meet up but something always came up (this time it wasn't only him, I have to share the blame this time). Next year I will be taking a trip down to see him whether he likes it or not. I will also be taking a trip to see my lil brother in Mass. We've known each other for 10 years now but have never met in person and 2009 will be the year. I'm a little nervous about going out there, not because I don't know how we would click because we basically know everything about the other, but I'm scared I will like it out there and end up staying.

Ok, I'm going to post this even though I lost interest in writing it while i typed, hell I'm actually on my way out of the house now and this is a rush job. Let me give a shout out to some people before I go (in no particular order): O, Ant, Mike, D, Greg, Shawn, X, Omar, Liyah, B, Moms, Sha, Mika, My baby girl, E, LaLa, Rodney, Steve, Branden, Brandon, EJ, YahYah, Neek, MLB, Baby boi, Matt, Cas, kilo, da bitch, Aaron, Jeff, Darnell, lil jay, ray