Story of Us

one of my favorite movies of all-time is coming on lifetime this Thursday at 9 pm eastern time, The Story of Us. Yes, it can be described as a chick flick but it really has shaped me as a person and how I go about my daily interactions. Let me start by briefly explaining the movie. The movie is about a married couple on the verge of a divorce, who finally see the other's point of view in every argument that was had leading up to their separation. No, they do not go back in time nor do they switch bodies or anything, just something in their respective lives forces them to reflect.

For me, that is what life and relationship is...seeing passed my own feelings, values, bias and trying to understand exactly where the other person is coming from. How many of us have had arguments/falling outs with someone that we love or are special to us (this can simply mean a friend) but we never truly hear or understand where the other person is coming from? So caught up in trying to be right, trying to convey a sense of pain, hurt or lose that we can't see the other person's point of view? So, to my readers, I ask this task of you. Take a moment, away from the constant chatter of others, and look at a situation where you may have hurt someone you loved, ended a friendship or simply the last argument you had, put your bias aside and try to view this situation solely from the prospective of the other person. Try to see and understand the situation through their eyes and try to understand why they said what they said, did what they did. After doing this, see if you owe someone an apology, see if the situation could have been handled differently. This may be hard task for some of us because we see every interaction as a debate and just need to argue. Only can see that when we argue that one person is right and the other is wrong, not simply that we both can be right (or wrong) but just viewed at different spectrum it seems different.

I try to live my life this way, I'm still a work in progress and is probably the reason I can apologize sincerely now. Time for work, hope all of you have a great day.

NFC EAST

Its sunday, so if you know me, you know exactly what I'm doing right now...watching football. This will not be long or wordy, I will just pose a simple question. Is there a better division in football than the NFC EAST? Hell I really want to say in all of sports, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone. What do my football fans think (yes I want to hear from all 3 of you...lol)

ramblings of a hurt and confused heart

In an attempt to get rid of the grey clouds that have been hovering over me for some weeks now, I've decided to give him what he has asked for. I wanted things to be different, wanted this to be it, but here I am.

I made a conscious decision to put some distance between he and I (don't know what to call him right now), decided not to pour my emotions out to him and put a hault to all the text messages that were being sent. Its not what I wanted to do, it hasn't been easy, but I think this is what he wants. The past couple of weeks we have done nothing but argue, I was making him unhappy. I'm tired of fighting and tired of not knowing what is going on.

Friday was spent with three of my closest friends. We went to our new friday dinner spot for cheap food and laughs and for the second straight week, we had so much fun we didn't want the evening to end. We headed to the city and the club. Wasn't big on the spot, but the laughs continued so it was cool. I didn't get home until 5:30 saturday morning. Saturday we spoke. Things seemingly went well, but the void I have been feeling is still there. So, I went to South Jersey to hang out with some friends. It was cool, nothing amazing. Now its Sunday, we have texted a few times but I don't know if this is helping or hurting.

So here I lay, missing the man I love, but unwilling to say or do anything about it because every out pouring of emotion has led to nothing but an agruement lately. I would say I'm doing all of this at the expense of my happiness, but when you truely love someone, isn't their happiness as important as yours? This is not time for a Vivian Green song,we have let each other go and returned more times than I care to admit. This is a put up or let go moment, because we are in a dangerous cycle of comfortability. I'm not going to pressure him to make a decision he is unready to make, really I just want some clarity on what is going on.

Some may say I should date other people, but I guess I have a different idea on relationships. I don't believe in getting in a relationship just to pass the time, I get in a relationship with someone I believe I can spend the rest of my life with. If I don't see a long term possibility with someone I will wither not committ to a relationship or if I'm already in a relationship, I end things. So I refuse to enter into a relationship to hold me over until he is ready.

All of that was said to say, I'm preparing myself for life with and without him. Trying to figure out what he wants, what will make him happy, how we can co exist. All at the same time trying to prepare myself without him. Trying to prepare myself to love someone else just in case things don't work out.

I sometimes believe that I think or value things in life differently than a lot of people, so I'm going to pose some questions and I want to know how you feel.

1. Should your friend befriend your ex if they did not have a relationship (friendship) prior to your relationship with your ex?

2. Should friends date/mess with another friends ex?

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Newark, NJ. After being frisked, handcuffed and escorted to police headquarters, for the third time in a month, Dr. David Harris was fed up. A graduate of Rutgers University, Princeton University and most recently, Harvard University where he received his Doctorate degree, Dr. Harris began a campaign against racial profiling and taking the steps to pursue legal action against the city of Newark and the state of NJ for the constant harassment he encountered by the hands of the Newark Police department. In a letter to his legal congressman, Dr. Harris wrote:

After working my way through school, achieving good grades and graduating near the top of my class at some of this country’s top Universities, I am still unable to converse with my friends without the constant, realistic fear that I will be the victim of this cities police officers vendetta against young African-American males. In the past month, I have been hauled down to the dungeons of this cities prisons like a common criminal, guilty of socializing with the very individuals I grew up with, my extended family…

Dr. Harris was actually arrested for suspension of selling narcotics and loitering. According to police records obtained by this newspaper, Dr. Harris and four associates were arrested on the corner of 18th St. and Clinton Ave., after detectives witnessed Dr. Harris’ associates dealing marijuana. In an official statement from the commissioner’s office, Newark police “systemically deny profiling based on race and Dr. Harris was arrested because he was present during the commission of a crime with known drug dealers. This department values the life and freedom of all its citizens, and views everyone equally, but we cannot and will not ignore criminal behavior because someone holds several degrees from some of the most prestige’s institutions in this country.”

After two weeks of investigation it became painfully care what was actually the cause of Dr. David Harris’s constant run in with the authorities of Newark, NJ. It was a Wednesday evening, 11:14 pm to be exact, and I sat in a van outside Melvin’s Liquor store located on Clinton Ave. in between 17th and 18th street. On the corner of 18th St. and Clinton Ave. stood five young African-American males, seemly doing nothing but conversing. Each male wore baggy denim jeans hanging just beneath their buttocks showing off their fruit of the loom boxers, loose fitting t-shirts, baseball hats and Timberland boots. Dr. Harris’ claims of racial profiling as the motivation for his incarceration seemed to be valid, the five men appeared to be guilty of only not letting go of their youth and socializing on a city street corner. The men did not appear to be loud nor did it appear they were interfering with any of the pedestrians that passed in front of them. Dr. Harris seemed to be right, even though he had a poor choice of networking site and his attire was that of someone 15 years his junior, he and his friends were not up to any bad deeds. But then it happened, a man passed through the circle of friends and I could see money and a package being exchanged between the man and one of Dr. Harris’ friends. The other four friends continued on with their conversation as if they had not seen the interaction, but they could not be blind to the exchange that had just taken part. Moments later, another man, then a woman, passed through the circle, different people, different friends but the same exchange took place. Dr. Harris never partook in the exchange of goods and money, but he was among those who had.

With all of his education, Dr. Harris seemed to have forgotten a simple lesson that our very first teachers have taught us, most of our parents constantly drilled into our young minds, “you are judged by the company you keep.”

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So I've been going through somethings, been venting internally, to some people and getting advice. Even though I value the opinions of others, most people didn't really understand I just needed to vent, just needed to hear or let out some of the things going on in my head. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I haven't dealt with, refuse to deal with, avoid and suppress I just need to let the smaller things out so I don't have a complete break down. So that's what this blog will be, a release, I'm going to empty out something that is going on in my mind. I'm currently sitting in the barbershop waiting to get a cut, so I need something to do.

As a rational person I know what I should do. Know that the answer is in front of me, but I'm letting my heart call the shots and boy have I been paying for it recently. So the person in my life doesn't want a relationship, I knew that months ago and I thought we had an understanding. Something happened, somewhere something went wrong. Communication became one sided, he began talking in riddles and my mind began to run with the ideas of what was going wrong. He wanted to know what was on my mind so I told him, which led to pointless agruements that were meaningless because they were thoughts that were floating in my head, thoughts that I wanted to work out alone. When I tried to have the same conversations about what was going on with him, he answered in riddles and wanted to do the very thing he asked me not to do, deal with them alone. Now after a week in which a had a mental breakdown, a week in which everything I refused to deal with this year, new and old, broke me down and I said some hurtful things, I don't know where we stand. The uncertainity of it all is killing me. When we finally spoke I couldn't even get a straight answer to whether we were going to continue to work on us, try to go back to the way we were or call it quits. So I sit here thinking about him but unwilling to hit him up again because I don't know what my role is, don't know what my place is. Rationally I know what I should do, but I'm unwilling to let go of something that was 5 years in the making, something that made me feel so good. But then again that's another post that I'm working on.

So, empty, broken, uncertain and confused I sit here awaiting an answer from the only person that can give it to me. I know a relationship right now is not in the cards for us, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy what we had. Enjoy an exclusive friendship built on fun, growth and understanding. I sit here just wanted to get a straight answer, unwilling to make the decision alone, as I did before, only to regret my decision. Just wanting things to go back to where they were. Wanting him to say he misses me or loves me. Wanting him to realize I was in this for him and was ready to wait.

Moving on but continueing...some other people have approached me. Some I let go for the person I was just mentioning, one from further back and a new person. Unwilling to drag someone else into my crap I sat home all weekend. I was afraid to go out, afraid I would have done something I would have regretted, so I stayed in for the most part. Luckily college football was on this weekend so I had something to keep me grounded, something that kept me from hurting someone else or leaving them in the same state of uncertainity that I found myself in.

Can't wait for the weekend to be over so my mind can be on work and not a boy. Boys and love suck!

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