ramblings of a hurt and confused heart
In an attempt to get rid of the grey clouds that have been hovering over me for some weeks now, I've decided to give him what he has asked for. I wanted things to be different, wanted this to be it, but here I am.
I made a conscious decision to put some distance between he and I (don't know what to call him right now), decided not to pour my emotions out to him and put a hault to all the text messages that were being sent. Its not what I wanted to do, it hasn't been easy, but I think this is what he wants. The past couple of weeks we have done nothing but argue, I was making him unhappy. I'm tired of fighting and tired of not knowing what is going on.
Friday was spent with three of my closest friends. We went to our new friday dinner spot for cheap food and laughs and for the second straight week, we had so much fun we didn't want the evening to end. We headed to the city and the club. Wasn't big on the spot, but the laughs continued so it was cool. I didn't get home until 5:30 saturday morning. Saturday we spoke. Things seemingly went well, but the void I have been feeling is still there. So, I went to South Jersey to hang out with some friends. It was cool, nothing amazing. Now its Sunday, we have texted a few times but I don't know if this is helping or hurting.
So here I lay, missing the man I love, but unwilling to say or do anything about it because every out pouring of emotion has led to nothing but an agruement lately. I would say I'm doing all of this at the expense of my happiness, but when you truely love someone, isn't their happiness as important as yours? This is not time for a Vivian Green song,we have let each other go and returned more times than I care to admit. This is a put up or let go moment, because we are in a dangerous cycle of comfortability. I'm not going to pressure him to make a decision he is unready to make, really I just want some clarity on what is going on.
Some may say I should date other people, but I guess I have a different idea on relationships. I don't believe in getting in a relationship just to pass the time, I get in a relationship with someone I believe I can spend the rest of my life with. If I don't see a long term possibility with someone I will wither not committ to a relationship or if I'm already in a relationship, I end things. So I refuse to enter into a relationship to hold me over until he is ready.
All of that was said to say, I'm preparing myself for life with and without him. Trying to figure out what he wants, what will make him happy, how we can co exist. All at the same time trying to prepare myself without him. Trying to prepare myself to love someone else just in case things don't work out.
I made a conscious decision to put some distance between he and I (don't know what to call him right now), decided not to pour my emotions out to him and put a hault to all the text messages that were being sent. Its not what I wanted to do, it hasn't been easy, but I think this is what he wants. The past couple of weeks we have done nothing but argue, I was making him unhappy. I'm tired of fighting and tired of not knowing what is going on.
Friday was spent with three of my closest friends. We went to our new friday dinner spot for cheap food and laughs and for the second straight week, we had so much fun we didn't want the evening to end. We headed to the city and the club. Wasn't big on the spot, but the laughs continued so it was cool. I didn't get home until 5:30 saturday morning. Saturday we spoke. Things seemingly went well, but the void I have been feeling is still there. So, I went to South Jersey to hang out with some friends. It was cool, nothing amazing. Now its Sunday, we have texted a few times but I don't know if this is helping or hurting.
So here I lay, missing the man I love, but unwilling to say or do anything about it because every out pouring of emotion has led to nothing but an agruement lately. I would say I'm doing all of this at the expense of my happiness, but when you truely love someone, isn't their happiness as important as yours? This is not time for a Vivian Green song,we have let each other go and returned more times than I care to admit. This is a put up or let go moment, because we are in a dangerous cycle of comfortability. I'm not going to pressure him to make a decision he is unready to make, really I just want some clarity on what is going on.
Some may say I should date other people, but I guess I have a different idea on relationships. I don't believe in getting in a relationship just to pass the time, I get in a relationship with someone I believe I can spend the rest of my life with. If I don't see a long term possibility with someone I will wither not committ to a relationship or if I'm already in a relationship, I end things. So I refuse to enter into a relationship to hold me over until he is ready.
All of that was said to say, I'm preparing myself for life with and without him. Trying to figure out what he wants, what will make him happy, how we can co exist. All at the same time trying to prepare myself without him. Trying to prepare myself to love someone else just in case things don't work out.
posted by Jay at
3:18 PM
