just a preview

So I've been going through somethings, been venting internally, to some people and getting advice. Even though I value the opinions of others, most people didn't really understand I just needed to vent, just needed to hear or let out some of the things going on in my head. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I haven't dealt with, refuse to deal with, avoid and suppress I just need to let the smaller things out so I don't have a complete break down. So that's what this blog will be, a release, I'm going to empty out something that is going on in my mind. I'm currently sitting in the barbershop waiting to get a cut, so I need something to do.

As a rational person I know what I should do. Know that the answer is in front of me, but I'm letting my heart call the shots and boy have I been paying for it recently. So the person in my life doesn't want a relationship, I knew that months ago and I thought we had an understanding. Something happened, somewhere something went wrong. Communication became one sided, he began talking in riddles and my mind began to run with the ideas of what was going wrong. He wanted to know what was on my mind so I told him, which led to pointless agruements that were meaningless because they were thoughts that were floating in my head, thoughts that I wanted to work out alone. When I tried to have the same conversations about what was going on with him, he answered in riddles and wanted to do the very thing he asked me not to do, deal with them alone. Now after a week in which a had a mental breakdown, a week in which everything I refused to deal with this year, new and old, broke me down and I said some hurtful things, I don't know where we stand. The uncertainity of it all is killing me. When we finally spoke I couldn't even get a straight answer to whether we were going to continue to work on us, try to go back to the way we were or call it quits. So I sit here thinking about him but unwilling to hit him up again because I don't know what my role is, don't know what my place is. Rationally I know what I should do, but I'm unwilling to let go of something that was 5 years in the making, something that made me feel so good. But then again that's another post that I'm working on.

So, empty, broken, uncertain and confused I sit here awaiting an answer from the only person that can give it to me. I know a relationship right now is not in the cards for us, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy what we had. Enjoy an exclusive friendship built on fun, growth and understanding. I sit here just wanted to get a straight answer, unwilling to make the decision alone, as I did before, only to regret my decision. Just wanting things to go back to where they were. Wanting him to say he misses me or loves me. Wanting him to realize I was in this for him and was ready to wait.

Moving on but continueing...some other people have approached me. Some I let go for the person I was just mentioning, one from further back and a new person. Unwilling to drag someone else into my crap I sat home all weekend. I was afraid to go out, afraid I would have done something I would have regretted, so I stayed in for the most part. Luckily college football was on this weekend so I had something to keep me grounded, something that kept me from hurting someone else or leaving them in the same state of uncertainity that I found myself in.

Can't wait for the weekend to be over so my mind can be on work and not a boy. Boys and love suck!