Jay's Distorted World

Sunday, March 25, 2007

New Day

I’ve decided I need a change in my life. My life needs to go in a different direction. Being a patient person, I’m going to force the issue and begin to change things in my life that don’t necessarily match the image I would like to portray.

Today, March 25, 2007, Lustfilled on BGCLive.com will no longer exist. I decided to delete my account because I’m tired of the average gay bullshit. Majority of the people on there are not looking for a long lasting connection, a relationship built on trust and honest, merely a quick hook up. Those who claim to be looking for a relationship, not beat for the one night stands, find themselves at the end of the night with a dick/ass in their mouths, wake up in the morning either trying to define their new situation or explain that this is not who they really are and they normally don’t do that. Sounds familiar to anyone? It does to me. I’m not an angel. I’ve gone on dates only to hook up with the person at the end of the night, left my house to get a quick blow job, all while looking for a deep connection. Sadly, these “situations” were just that, a one night situation. Many of these people I wouldn’t even consider a one night stand because what we had lacked the connection associated with a one night stand. It was just head or sex, nothing more. Shit, I’ve gotten head from people that I had no physical attraction to. So now I’m still single, still looking for a relationship after all the head, after all the notes on BGC. Am I surprised, no. Walk around like a whore, play the game like a whore, would any real man with positive goals and morals take you seriously?

So a change is needed. It’s time to give off the image of someone that is willing and deserving of being treated well. Give off the image of someone that can and will be faithful, trusting and honest. No more BGCLive.com. No more random blow jobs and hook ups. Yes, I’ve said this before, but to change our bad habits, sometimes we have to change the places we go and the things we do. So this is going to be my effort for change. I want a different type of man. I want to be a different type of man, so I have to do different things. I will begin to venture out of my comfort zone, visit new places and sites.

In an effort to change, I will try hard to stop drinking. As a family we are going to begin to eat healthier and in accordance with this new food program, I’m going to try to cut out the alcohol. This will be difficult for me, but I’m confident that I can do it. Even though I know I can do it, I will need the help of my friends to keep me on the straight and narrow path when it comes to me drinking, especially my drinking buddies (you know who you are, Dee, Mike, Greg and Brandon…lol). I need to get my health on track.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

ANSWERS

Ok it is time for me to bare my soul (not like I haven’t done this before) and be completely honest. Some of the questions were simple and some posed more difficulty for me to answer than you can believe. Without further ado, the answers to your questions:

The Captain asked: Which one has more precedence in your life, your faith or sexuality?
It took me several days to come up with this answer, primarily because I was trying to answer the question as it was posed. At this very moment, if I had to choose between the two, my sexuality would win by default since I’ve been questioning my faith more than I would like to admit. But that is not my answer. One has nothing to do with the other. Yes, most will point out with the obvious conflict between the Bible and homosexuality, but that has little to do with my faith. My faith is centered around the grace and love of my father and the salvation of my Savior Jesus Christ. I don’t define myself by my sexuality which made this question even harder for me. Yes, I am a homosexual male, but that only describes who I wish to be romantically involved with.

Pono asked: Do you gobble up your own nut after a hot wankin session? I have, so I guess that is a yes.
Do you like how it tastes? It really doesn’t have a taste to me.
If ya don’t like how it tastes, you want me to take a mouthful of it, why? Will you still take a mouthful even though I’m indifferent to the taste? Why? Because I like the feel of nutting in someone’s mouth.

Greg asked: Do you think you’ll be able to find true, long-lasting love in this lifestyle?
Yes. If I didn’t believe that I could find a true, long-lasting love I wouldn’t date anyone. I would either just consume my time with meaningless hook ups or live a life of celibacy (can you guess which I would have done?). When I give up on the hope of a long lasting love affair, I’ll stop dating like you.

Fuzzy asked the following questions: What is your most used brand of condom? Why? Trojan. Give me an old favorite, even though they all feel the same to me. No real reason I chose this brand.
What is your favorite brand lube? Why? ID glide. Let’s just say glide is the key word in that title.
What are your ideas and standpoints on threesomes? In theory I’m against threesomes, especially while you are in a relationship. With that being said, I have been a full participant in a threesome and a part time participant in another. Ok, sometime I get caught up in the moment and things happen.
What is the freakiest thing you have ever done to your body or with your body? Despite an overactive imagination, I haven’t done anything freaky with my body or to my body, sorry to disappoint.
Have you ever had sex outdoors? If you consider a car outdoors, then yes, if not, no.
If you had one dollar total between all of your assets and someone asked you for a double cheeseburger at Burger King because they were hungry and homeless, would you buy it for them? HELL NO!!! Say what you want, but that double cheeseburger is mine. But seriously, no…lol.
Do you view the glass as half empty or half full? Depends on the situation
Did you answer all of my questions without side comments and complaining about how many questions I asked? Yes I did.
What is something that you have kept from someone in fear that it might hurt someone else? This question would have been easier before I emptied the skeletons in my closest, now there isn’t much I have hidden. But here we go. In college I was messing with this guy, we were friends with benefits. The only problem with that was I became friends with his finance. She thought he was cheating and used to call me to inquire about the other people in his life. I knew first hand that he was cheating, that he had other girlfriends and me, but I lied to her. I never told her about the other girls or me, because she was so in love with him and I didn’t want to be the one to break her heart. I wasn’t always the Angel that you guys know and love…lol J

Mike asked the following questions: What is your greatest fear? My greatest fear is being alone for the rest of my life. I keep seeing myself as the 45 year old man at Chiz Chiz trying to pick up 20 year old men, leaving alone only to go home to an empty apartment. Dying and no one showing up to my funeral. So being alone is my greatest fear.
What is your biggest regret? I don’t really regret anything I’ve done. If I had to choose, I would have to say leaving my old job for my current job.
What is the worst thing that a friend has ever done to you? What is the best? I’ve been blessed with good friends and associates, so this question is difficult. The worst thing is pity to most, but Lamar making time for his other friends when he visited the area and not so much as giving me a call. Because I thought we were so close, this hurt me deeply. The best, now there are so many to choose from, but I think the best thing was when you guys showed up to my father’s funeral. Even though I asked you guys not to show up, you still did to show your support for me and my family, that touched me in a special way.
Who was your best sexual partner and why? Q and Eddie. Even though I couldn’t always take what Q was giving, he and Eddie were freaks like none other. If I could think of it they were open and willing to try. It also didn’t hurt that they both wanted to have sexual contact about as much as I did and were always willing to go at it.
What do you want in a man? I want someone that is attractive to me. Someone that is going to be honest above everything else, faithful and open to communicate. Some may see the next as a given, but someone that wants to be with me (if you know my track record you will understand that one).
When are we gonna get the gym membership? I have mine, just haven’t been…lol
Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really. Love after the first conversation is more believable for me.
What is one word that best describes you? Me? Impatient. You-sensitive.
Who is the one person you would like to see me in a relationship with, whether it happened already or not, and why? There are two and I thought about this answer all day and couldn’t just pick one. Lyndon. My reasoning here may be a little selfish. The two of you are two of my closest friends. Both are good guys who keep getting their hurts broken by guys that treat them poorly. If you two got together then I would only have to worry about Greg and me finding someone. Then there is D. The few times we hung around each other I couldn’t find anything bad to say about him. But more importantly, when you two were together, I never saw you so happy. For that reason alone I would love to see you with him.
What will it take for you to get on my bus for at least one trip? I hate that you asked because I wanted to surprise you one day and get on your bus. So now it will take for you to forget this post (which I know will take awhile) and me to figure out your work schedule.
Sex or sports? Both…lol. Glad you didn’t make me choose between the two…lol
Why do you always order something messy to eat? They tend to taste better and have more on them. The question is, why do you always order the same thing?
What was the best date you ever had? With who and why? Now the worst? It wasn’t really a date, but a get away. Valentine’s Day weekend, Q and I took a trip to South Jersey/Philly. The day just started off wrong. The hood flew up smashing the window, setting us back almost four hours, then the long drive to Philly. Once we made it down there, there was a bad accident on the highway which had us literally sitting in the car at a stand still for two hours. If you knew us back then, you knew we never went any where without a drink. Having been drinking since the start of our trip we had to use the bathroom badly. We both grabbed Snapple bottles from the backseat and proceeded to fill them up twice (he filled his up three times…show off). We canceled our plans to go into Philly and looked for a hotel to stay in. When we finally found one, it wasn’t the best of places, but we made due. Still a little tipsy and hungry, we went up the street to an all you can eat restaurant. I felt like I was in the South. The white people were staring at us, the food was bad, but this led to more jokes. We made it back to our room, took showers, had shots and had some adult fun before falling asleep. I know it doesn’t sound like a great date, but we enjoyed each other and didn’t let our surroundings bother each other. It was the first time I think I really felt like he really wanted to be with me. Side note: that edible tart lube from Spencers is disgusting, don’t use it. The worst date happened recently. I went out with this older guy and all he wanted to talk about was money. What he owned, how much he made, how much he had saved, blah blah blah. I joke around about being a gold digger but that’s really not me. Major turn off.
Do you know what you are getting me for my 25th birthday? No
If you could change your middle name what would it be? Don’t want one.
Was there ever a time that you thought I didn’t appreciate you? If yes explain. No
When are you going to get a tattoo? When there is no pain involved.
Why do you like bacon so much? Not sure, but I do love it. Pork and beef bacon.
What is the most disgusting thing that anyone has ever done to you that turned you off? What was their name? This guy was really into the whole pain and sex thing. Pull my hair until it falls out, bite me harder, pull my dick, etc., that shit did nothing for me. I can’t remember his name, he lives in EO. Fuzzy, its your boy from the hotel that is banned from the group.
What do you think the world would be like if their was no consequences (aids, stds, etc.) to having unprotected sex? More unemployment. Drug companies and companies that make birth control (all forms) would not exist. Less kids (that’s a consequence).
Why do you like the movie Troy so much? I like epic movies like that. Love Roman history, mythology and Greek history. Something that caught my interest early in childhood, I mean think about it, and one of my favorite movies is Hercules (the Disney version…lol)
If you can go back in time with all the knowledge you know now, what are three things you would change and why? I’m going to keep this answer centered on my life and not the world. 1. Serfinte would never have gotten into my room. Had I not let him in, he would have never had the opportunity to jump on me. 2. I would have left my coat at the club the night of my accident with my first Altima. If I didn’t go back for my coat I wouldn’t have gotten in an accident that night (this is a fact since I was already at my destination and parked before I realized my coat was gone). 3. I wouldn’t have left my last job. I was making more money.
Have you contacted Lamar yet? If not then why? I tried but his phone was disconnected.
What were you hoping to gain from posting this blog? I was hoping people would have asked more personal questions that they may have been afraid to know the answer to, give them a very truthful answer and see if they could handle someone being completely honest with them. Your questions were good, however, we are always brutally honest with each other (at least I think we are).
What were the top three hardest questions you had to answer? Your question on who I want to see you date (even though you knew the answer, I was trying to pick one and couldn’t and still can’t) as well as your concerning the best and worst things a friend has done to me. The last was Fuzzy’s question concerning something I haven’t told someone in fear it would hurt them.
What’s one question that you wanted someone to ask you but they didn’t? What’s your answer to that question? Didn’t have a question I wanted anyone to ask, but I did assume you would ask me something about Antwan. To make this fair, I’m going to text you right now, and you can ask any question about Antwan and I’ll post it. Ok, you were no help but talking to you I thought of the one question. Would you get back with Antwan if the opportunity presented itself? Honestly, I’m not sure. Things definitely would be different if it would happen and I definitely wouldn’t be the one initiating anything. But right now I have nothing to say to him, I’m definitely in a RL/Deborah Cox mood toward him.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

TRUTH AND HONESTY

Most of us claim that we want people to be honest with us, we search for truth from those closest to us, but are we really ready for truth? Can we really handle the absolute truth? This post will be very simple, its a challenge to all of you. Ask me anything that you want to know about me? only a few simple rules:

1 and this one is the most important: don't ask my middle name, thats one thing i will not disclose and thats the truth.
2) if you don't think you can handle the 100% truth don't ask.
3) if the wrong answer will effect our friendship, ask yourself one simple question before asking me, is it worth a friendship
4) last but not least, be prepared for an uncensored answer

You have a week to ask any question and i promise not to hold back on my response. Those of you reading who don't have a blog feel free to leave a question also. i'll be checking in later