new year's resolution

Ok I normally don't make new years resolution, actually it was a resoultion of mine some years ago not to make any resolutions any more. This year I don't know if I should call it a resolution or not, but their were three things I wanted to accomplish.

1. Meet my little brother Matt face to face. This was completed in April. We weren't able to spend a lot of time together but just getting the opportunity to see him in person was great. Matt and I have been friends for over 10 years now. He was the first openly gay male I had any type of relationship with. We met online via yahoo chat when he was 13 and I was 18 (he lied about his age and once I got over the lie I realized his age didn't matter since we would never be more than friends). We have been each others rock, support, sounding board for years but never met face to face, but that didn't affect how I felt about him. He was/is like a brother to me. Anyway, on his way back from washington dc he made a pit stop to nj and we shared brunch together. It was matt, his two boyfriends, mike and I at the cheesecake factory. I must admit my little brother has grown to be an attractive man and he was more masculine than I thought he would be. Unlike some other internet friendships that ended once we met, nothing has changed with our relationship.

2. Spend some time with Lamar. After losing contact with Lamar for three years, and finally getting back in contact with him I decided I wanted to see my friend. I could have waited until the summer, waited until washington pride, but let's face it, tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone. So this past weekend I went down to visit him.I already knew he was doing pretty good as we talk almost everyday, so the meeting was cool. He doesn't look like he aged at all, he lost some weight (not that he was fat or chubby before). I was happy to see my friend. We still disagree on why things didn't work between us romantically but we have moved so far past that that we can actually laugh at each others version of what happened (even though my version is what really happened). It wasn't my ideal weekend but I'm trying to block a lot of that weekend out.

3. Be in a relationship. This has yet to happen for me, and thinking about it I think 'A' was my last relationship (if you can call it that)...oops wait I dated B (should I even count that?)? People have come and gone, no one has really sustained my interest or I haven't sustained their's. Part of me thinks about the one I was oh so in love with last year, wonder whose life he is ruining now, wondering how he is, but then reality smacks me across my face and reminds me that that ship no only has sailed but sunk faster than the titantic. He won't be able to be the stable person in my life that I would like and if I look at things with my eyes wide open I know he isn't ready to be. Relationships take work and sometimes, what some of us don't realize, a change in friends. It is almost impossible to be in a successful relationship when your friends are whores, single, bed hoppers, single, unstable, jealous. As long as negative bitter forces are allowed to surround your life and love things are destined to fail. There is a guy now that is jocking to be my mate, but I'm unsure. I want someone older, someone more stable, but this young man says and does all the right things. It has been hinted, suggested that I not give this person any thought because he has been around the block, the county, state and country, but really which one of us doesn't have a past? A hoe can't be made into a housewife but that doesn't mean a hoe can't become a housewife if they choose to change their ways. We haven't done anything because I don't want to ruin our friendship if it isn't meant to be.

Ok, that's it for right now, trying to type on my phone is killing my eyes. Talk to you later.