Blah Blah Blah
When I started this blog page/site, I intended on posting a new blog every week, maybe even twice a week. I have fallen way short of that goal. One part of this short comings is the chaos that is running through my life. I'm trying to keep up the image that my life is going well, that I have a plan. The truth is, I'm lost! I have no direction in my life right now.
I should start with the area in my life I want/need to change the most. I hate my job! I'm doing what I thought I wanted to do when I came out of college. I chose a profession that I could help others and make a difference in the world, that is not happening in anymore. I work in a group home that is supposed to be run as a non-profit organization. The problem has become that the main concern is money and not the welfare and safety of those who are in the group home (residents as well as staff). I don't feel that we (the staff) are helping to mode positive members of society nor are we helping these young men deal with their past issues. We have become a high priced half-way house. No longer can we say we are a haven for children, but a stomping ground for the future 3 time felons of the country. So with a heavy heart and a sense of defeat clouding over my head, I'm quitting. I found a new job and will be starting over soon!
Love...I try to live my life based on logic, rational thinking. I need everything to be black and white, a set of definite rules. But I have fallen in love and find myself breaking all the rules I have set for myself, making irrational decisions and doing illogical decisions. What is this thing called love exactly? I'm bound by this emotion that makes no sense. It is keeping me drawn to someone that admittedly is not looking for a relationship. Has me giving all of myself with no intention of receiving anything in return. I'm in LOVE. My heart has opened up to this unforgiving emotion that creates its own weakness in the human psyche. I tried to ignore this feeling, tried to ignore the existence of that person, but dammit, love would not allow it. Being away from him made me release how much I needed to be around him. I tried meeting someone else, even had a sexual encounter or two, but love was right there to let me know it was wrong. So I have given in to love. Allowing Love to encourage my thoughts and my decision making, as irrational as it is. I know I should have ran when he told me he just wanted to be friends. Know I should have given up when he said I wasn't the man he dreamed about. But I'm still around. Still spending weekends with him, buying his dinner, and giving him my body. Hopefully Love knows what it is doing, because I don't.
What does all of this mean? I'm single, unhappy with my job and in love with a friend and not sure where things are going. I'm a logical person who fell in love doing irrational things...If my life isn't filled with distortions I don't know what it is.
I should start with the area in my life I want/need to change the most. I hate my job! I'm doing what I thought I wanted to do when I came out of college. I chose a profession that I could help others and make a difference in the world, that is not happening in anymore. I work in a group home that is supposed to be run as a non-profit organization. The problem has become that the main concern is money and not the welfare and safety of those who are in the group home (residents as well as staff). I don't feel that we (the staff) are helping to mode positive members of society nor are we helping these young men deal with their past issues. We have become a high priced half-way house. No longer can we say we are a haven for children, but a stomping ground for the future 3 time felons of the country. So with a heavy heart and a sense of defeat clouding over my head, I'm quitting. I found a new job and will be starting over soon!
Love...I try to live my life based on logic, rational thinking. I need everything to be black and white, a set of definite rules. But I have fallen in love and find myself breaking all the rules I have set for myself, making irrational decisions and doing illogical decisions. What is this thing called love exactly? I'm bound by this emotion that makes no sense. It is keeping me drawn to someone that admittedly is not looking for a relationship. Has me giving all of myself with no intention of receiving anything in return. I'm in LOVE. My heart has opened up to this unforgiving emotion that creates its own weakness in the human psyche. I tried to ignore this feeling, tried to ignore the existence of that person, but dammit, love would not allow it. Being away from him made me release how much I needed to be around him. I tried meeting someone else, even had a sexual encounter or two, but love was right there to let me know it was wrong. So I have given in to love. Allowing Love to encourage my thoughts and my decision making, as irrational as it is. I know I should have ran when he told me he just wanted to be friends. Know I should have given up when he said I wasn't the man he dreamed about. But I'm still around. Still spending weekends with him, buying his dinner, and giving him my body. Hopefully Love knows what it is doing, because I don't.
What does all of this mean? I'm single, unhappy with my job and in love with a friend and not sure where things are going. I'm a logical person who fell in love doing irrational things...If my life isn't filled with distortions I don't know what it is.
posted by Jay at
9:44 AM
3 Comments:
Thanks for the post on my blog about relationships.
Don't beat yourself up too much about being in love with someone who may not love you (at least the same way you love them). I know, I spent a year trying to get over my ex and I mean not being with ANYONE. At the time I just wanted to have a few hook-ups but it didn't feel right. Is that stupid on my part? I don't think so. I believe it to be part of the healing process. I have a saying, "A love that hasn't lived will never die". I believe that. If you try to move on before your love is ready to move on, you will always wonder, what if.... . In that way it will never die, no closure and you will be miserable for a longer period of time. You will always look back on that with regret. I posted this on another blog but take this time to get to love YOU. After that, the rest just happens. My semblance changed and I see life differently.
P.S. It is summer time, enjoy YOUR life.
By
Ty, at 11:48 AM
Sorry forgot to comment on this.
Don't be discouraged about your job. I know that you said that you have quit the one job but remember that no matter what the owner's or higher-ups decide, you can do your part and give the best of you. I have a friend who works for a college (no names) that is strictly out for taking people's money and he didn't realize it until after he was hired. But he teaches his class(es) as if he was at an Ivy League school. I think that is something to be proud of.
By
Ty, at 12:07 PM
dang jay. it suck when our reality falls short of the standards set by our dreams. and it's mad unsettling when our strictly shaped habitual lifestyles are turned upside down by something so random yet inescapableas love. You got me thinkin here...before i can say anything else...i think i need a drink. LOL
By
Omar Ramon, at 1:18 PM
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