monday rant

This past weekend has been one of change, reflection and emptiness. As of Saturday, it is officially over between me and ‘A.’ It still hurts to admit that. The whole break up still doesn’t sit well with me. On one hand I believe that ‘A’ has found someone else or wanted someone that was physically closer to his equal (might just be my insecurities). As a whole, the relationship seems to have ended way too early. Honestly, I thought we had at least another year and half together. We had some things that we were working on, but nothing that seemed major. I guess the problem with me and relationships is no one wants to listen and believe me. Last time ‘A’ told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, I said ok, I would wait. Then we began to spend more time together and then he decided we should make it official and say we are dating. It was odd, his actions always said he was happy, we were going to be happy, but I guess he was just pretending (dammitt you should be an actor). So in an effort to move on, I had to cut all ties with ‘A’ which means deleting his number and aim screen name. I didn’t want to, but even after all of that, I found myself texting him like 10 times on Sunday, of course I couldn’t send it, but the fact of the matter was I was doing it. I know I love him and hope he magically becomes ready or realizes what we had was real before this month is up, because I’m pretty sure when this month is up, the chance for us will be gone.

Saturday, I went clubbing. Was not into it. I spent most of the night thinking about ‘A’ and didn’t see too much that would keep my attention. I stayed until 2am, went back to my hotel room (I got a room so I could be alone) and tried to go to sleep. I ended up texting ‘A’ at like 3 in the morning, spilling out what was on my mind. You would have thought I was drunk, but I still haven’t had a drink since the car incident in Atlanta. Sunday I went to church, relaxed at home and got some head. Ok, I settled for just the head, but I probably should have just fucked dude, because I didn’t feel anything. It was empty and pointless.

Bright spot of the weekend was I spent time with Tony (like 10 minutes combined this weekend…lol). I can still honestly see myself dating Tony, but we both know we have to work on our trust issues with each other…ok really my issue with not trusting him, but he knows why. But that will take time if anything will happen.

My life seems to be crumbling, but like a phoenix, from the ashes, I will be reborn and shine brighter.