Sabotage

Let me start by saying this, I’m almost 90% sure I suffer from depression. My feeling of loneliness, failure and hopelessness comes on out of nowhere. Sometimes there isn’t a day in between my episodes. It will probably take a year or two of therapy before someone diagnosis’ me, but moving along. I was in a bad place yesterday and I realized I looked for a way to make myself feel worse. I basically asked A were we officially a couple. I think I knew the answer before I asked, but hearing it divested me. Was this what I was looking for out of that question? I sat alone, cold (the central air was on high. I’m sick now) and down on myself. I drove around, thinking about current and past situations in my “love” life. Then, quicker than a yellow light turns red, it hit me, I sabotage all my relationships. The reason came to me quicker than the problem, LAMAR!!!!!

The story of Lamar and I is a long one, one that spans time, separation, lust, love and stupidity. Lamar and I first met in elementary school. We were not good friends in elementary school, no sleep overs or play dates, but we did have regular run ins with each other. He is a couple years older than I am so we didn’t share any classes, but his mother was one of the teachers I enjoyed visiting even though I never had her as teacher. After school I would see him when I stopped by to see his mother. She always joked that we acted like brothers. We would argue and play fight every time we saw each other. When he transferred to another school I was shocked and missed him a little. I always asked his mother how he was doing, but that’s as far as things went with us. I thought he was an attractive boy, but at that time in my life sex and sexual feelings did not exist.

Fast forward almost ten years, I’m in my first year of college, finally coming to terms with who I am and far removed from elementary school. During this time I made myself very comfortable with the internet, Blackplanet.com to be more specific. While on the computer one night I came across a picture of an attractive light skin boy that seemed familiar. I sent him a note and just starred at his photo. After a brief exchange of notes it hit me, it was Lamar. We talked for a few days, basically doing some catching up before we agreed to meet. We agreed to just be friends, which was cool with me and probably the best thing since he had a boyfriend who he was moving in with in a matter of weeks. He picked me up from school and we went to his mother’s house. It wasn’t long before we were making out and climaxing. I know what I did was wrong and I should have felt bad, but I didn’t. Like any cheating ass man, he said all the right things and like a good home wrecker, I played my part and made sure we didn’t get caught. When they finally broke up, I became number one. I made sure he didn’t want for anything. I became his financial crouch; I gave him money for gas, dinner and his other dates. I searched the newspaper for jobs in his field. Now I stated two things and didn’t explain, guess I should.

I was number one. He said he loved me and I would hold him as he slept at night. Each morning was welcomed with a kiss (morning breath and all). I didn’t mind doing for him because he was my everything during this time. I made sure he had gas in his car, money in his pocket and made sure he was able to eat (whether I was with him or not). He was my friend and lover, I was number one, but not the only one. His boyfriend couldn’t deal with Lamar’s cheating (he didn’t have proof) and I thought I could change his cheating ways (ok, at one point I thought I was the only one he was messing around with). But I was wrong. I would give him money so he could go meet an internet “friend.” This was one of his fuck buddies. He had others, who he dealt with while I was at work. I allowed him to use me, destroy my self-esteem, all in the name of love. I took it, pretended not to know, not to care. That all changed one summer evening, Lamar had been avoiding me for almost two weeks and it was a day before a planned trip to Great Adventure. I decided to walk to his house to find out if we were still going since no one had heard from him and he was the driver. During my 40 minute walk to his house it began to rain and I was happy when I saw his car in the driveway. The lights to his apartment were off, I could see the light from the television and hear his air conditioner was on, both were signs that he was home. I rang the bell. And I continued to ring until he came downstairs. Lamar’s face was pale with shock, his clothes were wrinkled and his grey cotton shorts showed his pre-cum stains. He told me he was busy and couldn’t talk right now. I asked him about the trip and he said he would call in the morning. It started to thunder and lighting. I realized he had company, but he wouldn’t let me walk home in those conditions, right? Wrong! He chose to stay with his friend upstairs. He had chosen others before me before, but this was ridiculous. I walked back home. The down pour of rain merged with my tears, it was over.

After my experience with Lamar, I promised myself I would not be a fool again and I wouldn’t allow cheating again. My next relationship ended when I started to see the same signs of cheating I had noticed when I was with Lamar. Like Lamar, Lamont began spending time with new (online) friends and avoiding me. Same pattern, so I assumed he was cheating also, especially when I found out he was staying at a “friends” house. That relationship had to end. Next was Eddie. He was going away to school, yea that wouldn’t work. Then Q. Along with other issues we were having, like Lamar and Lamont, he began hanging out with new (online) friends. So that relationship had to end. Looking back on it right now, I ruined my relationship with Lamont and Lamar. I pushed Lamont away because I didn’t trust him which led to all the little problems to be magnified. I probably did this to give both of us a way out of the relationship. The same can be true for Q. I’m allowing what Lamar did to sabotage future relationships. I’m getting rid of people before they have the opportunity to hurt me.

Now there is A, he wants to meet his (online) friends and it is doing nothing but bringing back old feelings and images. There is no feeling that compares to being hurt by someone you have given your all to and it’s a feeling I don’t want again. I realize A is not Lamar and probably won’t sleep around, but the thought is imprinted in my head. Not to mention I don’t trust “online” friends. I’ve done the Blackplanet, Adam4Adam, Migente and Collegeclub, let’s be friends. Each “meeting” normally ended with me receiving head and little to no connect with that person afterward. Honestly I think 1 out of every 1000 people on those sites is actually looking for friends. The rest are looking for fuck buddies and love.

So, if I want this to work with A or anyone else for that matter (hope A is it, but I can’t predict the future, no matter how hard I try) I have to learn to let go of these demons. It will take trust, reassurance and someone that is willing to work and grow with me (yea I don’t want anyone that has it all together, no way we can grow together).

Side Bar #1

Happy Birthday Dad
I miss you more than I thought I would
7/18/53 – 3/20/06

Side Bar #2

I want to grow with you and I hope you see I was serious about fighting to make this work and I’m not going anywhere. I l _ _e you and going to do what I have to do to make this work