Weekend Getaway

I sit here, day one of our get away, a couple of hours after he explored my body for the first time in almost a month and I’m left with his words that were said over and over. Words that were never really stated for the purpose that is ringing in my head right now, but nonetheless, words that are screaming out in his voice in my head right now. “I Get It.” And as he lay in a bed that is foreign to me, “I Get It.” I get that WE will probably never exist. I get that despite all the denial, we are nothing more than friends with benefits.

We had just returned from dinner and a movie, things appeared to be fine. I had surprised him with a room in a nice hotel (the Sheraton in Parsippany, New Jersey) to get him away from his reality at home. I can honestly sit here and type that sex was not a motivating factor in me planning this trip, however, since it had been like a month since I’ve felt the touch of another human being in a sexual manner, it did cross my mind. After I took a nice warm shower, he took his shower. During his shower, I lit some candles that were placed in front of the window and played the play list I had created on my computer for this night. The play list contained all love songs and two of his favorite songs were filtered in there more than once. When he came out the shower the mood was set and I was finishing glass number 3 (I had what I best can describe as a wine cooler in a nice bottle and some vodka). The mood was set for a sex session, but I would have been happy with going to bed. In retrospect, if we both had retired to our separate beds I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. We lay across the bed and we both just listened to the music that filled the room, we enjoyed the soft music in separate beds. Just as his favorite song came on, he jumped in the bed with me. I missed the feel of his body and his aggression when he wanted to have sex with me. He kissed and licked my body with a passion that was unfamiliar to me, at least from him. During four-play, we kissed, something we hadn’t done in months, something I had learned to live without while dealing with him. But this isn’t about our sexual escapades. He slid in me, not with ease, but he was there. Did he realize I hadn’t had intercourse in almost a month and my “exit” hole was now tight again? Or did he just not care? After awhile I managed to adjust my body to the invading forces and actually, per his request, ventured on top of him. Side bar: if you know me you know my least favorite position is riding. I think this is a tops way of making his way easier. Why should the bottom have to take the dick and do all the work? I don’t think I’m good at riding and will never profess to be an expert at it, but I tried for him. He slid in and out of me as I glided up and down, slightly twisting my hips from time to time. Was I doing it right? The hell if I know. It felt good and had he not asked me to bust on his chest, I probably would have done it a lot sooner. After his request, I lost all sensation in my dick. I could feel that I was going to bust, but the feeling of enjoyment was gone. After I was done and my hole had tightened, he wasn’t. He wanted to continue to pound inside of me. I tried to take it, but it wasn’t happening last night. At this point I think I lost him!

I wiped off, he showered. I was in the bed when he finished his shower. I stayed in the bed we had just shared and hoped he would share it with me, but on this night, I slept alone. He got under the covers of the other bed. With no words, the biggest statement was made. We were not lovers, we were not dating, we are merely friends. I had convinced myself that our arrangement was something we both wanted, a compromise of our needs, but did I just fool myself? Did I actually just ignore all of the signs that were right in front of me? I Get It, sex was my only barging chip and given in to my own needs, I had given it up too early and too often. Could/would he ever want to date me? What would be the point in his mind? I had given him all of me. I had given up my sense of self, gave up on my personal feelings and dealt only with his. Now I’m sitting here dreading the next day and half we are supposed to share together. My plan was to wake up early, go to breakfast, take my laptop with me and just find a spot in the hotel to hide for the rest of the day. Give him my car keys and let him do him. Return later tonight, shower and go to bed. But I won’t.

Before I met ‘A’ I wondered if I was only good for sex. Could a relationship actually work out for me? Wondered if there was actually someone out there that wanted to be loved by me, someone who would complete me? Yes a relationship should be 50/50, but I would be ok with putting out 75 and only receiving 25. Its not settling for me, it’s just who I am. I don’t want or need much, just want someone that will allow me to be their support. Allow me to make them believe in love again. As I sit here and type, I am not sure I really believe in love anymore. At least not for me.

Day one ends with us in separate beds and me typing on my laptop at 6am. Hopefully, day two goes a little better, I think as I go back to bed. Hopefully a positive sign will be thrown my way and love once again becomes an option for me.

Saturday, the second day of our weekend getaway, just two hours after I wrote the beginning of this blog, the phone rang loudly waking me from my much needed rest. It was my first surprise of the day. I had called the day before to see if I could schedule massages for ‘A’ and I. Before I left Friday afternoon to pick up ‘A’ I hadn’t heard from the fitness center, but 8:30am I got the call. They had 2 appointments, one at 10:15am and another at 11am. Since I was still upset with ‘A’ and using my comforter to block him from seeing me, I told him he had a 10:15am appointment and went back to sleep. I figured I would give him the early appointment because I knew he would want to sleep longer, evil I know. He called out to me and wanted me to repeat what I had stated, but I wasn’t in the mood for him at this point. I claimed he sensed something was wrong with me and kept asking me what was wrong. When I would eventually answer, I just stated nothing. He said he thought he knew what was wrong but he didn’t want to guess, so being the nice guy that I am, I told him to guess. He actually knew. Then he did something that took me for surprise, he got in the bed with me. “Guess he really does know what was bugging me,” I thought as he got under the covers. The only thing that came out of my mouth was, “what are you doing?” I wasn’t facing him at this point, I was still trying to hold on to my attitude and didn’t want to fall into any emotional traps. Surprised, he asked if I wanted him in the bed with me, after I said no, he got back in his bed. He told me that he thought I was upset because he didn’t sleep in the same bed with me last night and something else (that will stay between the two of us). His show of compassion and the fact he seemed intoned to my feelings, got me. Damn I’m really a softie. As we talked, I had forgotten the words I had just typed hours ago. I had forgotten the pledge I made to myself that I would have a serious conversation about the state of our relationship and if we weren’t together, weren’t in a committed relationship, it would be over. Those thoughts were gone and I remembered why I was so in love with him.

I ended up going to the massage therapist first and all I can say is, WOW. Her hands made love to my body. Hitting spots I didn’t know existed. I didn’t want her to stop, but my half hour was over and it was time for ‘A’ to get his body touched. That was the best investment I made to date. All my worries had been rubbed out of my body. I returned, straightened up the room and waited for ‘A.’ He had come up with the idea to order room service instead of going to the free buffet. For an order of Buffalo wings, chicken fingers, French fries (which came with the chicken fingers) and a 10’ pizza came up to $60. That won’t happen again. We fell asleep facing each other from our separate beds. We layed around and slept for most of the day. It was great. When the curtains were finally drawn back the sun was setting, wow, it had been a beautiful day. We didn’t make it back out of the room until 9:30pm . We went to dinner and a movie (saw Superman Returns. That shit was too long just to find out that Superman is a dead beat dad). The entire day was great. I remembered why this arrangement hadn’t bothered me. ‘A’ was like a friend, someone that I enjoyed being around, even if we did nothing at all, but at the same time, he was more than just a friend. We had the best sex we had ever shared together (at least that was the case for me). For a man that stated he never tossed salad before dealing with me, he literally made my toes curl today. And when he jumped in bed with me at the end of the night and we fell asleep in the same bed, it was the perfect ending to a great day.

The second day of our great getaway was the best day. It was a full day of us making each other happy. It was a full day of compromise and relaxation. The second day of our great getaway was the day I fell in love with ‘A’ again.