drowning

I’m drowning in a sea of emotions right now. I was going to write this blog last night, but Omar rescued me from myself (thanks O). But the problem with me and going to sleep with unresolved issues is I always wake up (normally woken up by it) with the same issue on my mind. Last night I was tired, bored, upset, sad, furious and heartbroken. With the expectation of the first two emotions, there was no real present reason why I was feeling the way I was.

Let me back track a little. I Tuesday morning I woken up by my sister who decided she wanted to not only wash clothes but wanted to separate clothes in the basement (during the summer I sleep in the basement because its cold and my family has this bad/annoying habit of turning the a/c off in the middle of the night, making a bad situation worse), this was at 8:20am. Then Tuesday night I stayed at work instead of coming home because I had to be at work at 7am. Doesn’t make since to leave work at 11:30pm, get home at 12:15am and turn around and need to be up no later than 5:30am if there are beds at your job. Normally I can sleep when I’m at work, but this night I couldn’t. I was wired and couldn’t fall asleep for anything. So when I finally got home Wednesday I was ready to crash. I slept for about an hour, from 4pm-5pm, but then my room felt like it had gotten warmer. What a surprise, someone had turned off the air. So it was Wednesday, I was still a little tired and nothing to do. That explains the first two emotions.

Before I start the next part of this blog, let me state this upfront, I know these are my issues. I know that I’m harboring issues from my past and should deal with them and not bring them into new situations. I know if I have trust issues I need to deal with them. Now, please also note, there probably isn’t anything you can say that I haven’t thought of or haven’t heard already.

I texted ‘A’ to find out how his day was and what he was up to. Like I stated before, I was bored. ‘A’ stated he was talking to his best friend and on black gay chat. Even though this was normal, today it didn’t sit while with me. I didn’t know why, but ‘A’ being on that website just upset me today. That was the last text I got from him until 11pm. This was a gap of 3 hours and at least 2 texts from me in-between. With a lot of time on my hands and nothing on television my mind began to wander. I’ve been cheated on in the past that was confirmed, and 2 other relationships that signs were there. I’ve only been in one relationship where the other party was honest with me, leading me to believe that I have been cheated on more than just by that one person. So, when things like this happen I tend to believe the worst. Assume that the absence is due to someone else. Normally I take off and find someone to keep my attention for the night, do something I would regret. Last night was not really any different. I wondered if ‘A’ had gone out with someone from Black Gay Chat, was I going to be set up for a big let down soon. I went out with Omar to get my mind off things, I didn’t drink and didn’t try to meet anyone new.

As far as I know these suspiciousness have no merit. Just fabrication of my bored mind. ‘A’ hasn’t done anything to me that would lead me to believe that he would be anything but honest with me. When things like this happen I step back and try not to get upset at the other person. I know these are my issues. I’m trying to resolve these issues, but only time will heal some of these wounds. I know these are my issues and I know I have to deal with them. So I’m going to splash my face with some water and let it go.