Supposed to be at work
Ok I'm supposed to be at work as I type this blog, but ask me if I care. I took one of the boys to the doctor today for a routine visit, now instead of going straight back to the house, we took a detour to the library where I'm typing this.
Yesterday was a trying day for me. I'm not sure what was wrong with me, but the last place I wanted to be was work. When I got back into the company van and headed back to the house from taking 2 boys from therapy, I became very irritable and quiet. The entire half hour drive back to the house was filled with only the sounds of the radio and the car speeding down the highway like street. Once back at the house my silence really didn't change. Normally upbeat and friendly, I walked through the house like a zombie. I passed several of the residents without muttering a word. This act shocked them and prompted several to ask what was wrong with me. The residents have come to expect a "hello, how was your day," from me. But today nothing came out. I really didn't care how their day had gone and really didn't want to let them in on how I was really feeling. While I was trying to eat (everyone else had eaten before I returned) my supervisior asked me to take the boys out to the garage and clean it. I ignored her request until I was done. Did she really think I was going to move? If she did, she was dumber than her tight ghetto afro puff she was sporting. When I finally made it outside, my co-worker took the boys outside, I leaned against one of the company's vans and starred at my car. If I leave and never return I'll miss out on a full month of pay (i'm leaving my job soon and starting a new one. My first paycheck from my new job would take at least 3 weeks to get to me), if I stay I run the risk of telling one of these kids what I really thought of them and trust me that wouldn't be pretty. I elected to stay but also elected to keep my distance from everyone. I found a quiet corner where I could see almost everyone and read my book. It was during this time that I realized that I made the right choice when I decided to leave this job.
During this miserable time for me I needed someone to talk to. Someone who understood me and my struggles with my feelings, someone that could comfort me. I knew of only two people that could tell me what I needed to hear, which is not necessarily what I want to hear. Those two people are Michelle and Lamar, my best friends. Michelle was in a meeting and promised to call me back. Our friendship has gone through its moments and is a little strange now. We don't speak often but in time of need, we know we can count on the other person. Of course she didn't call back. I've come to expect that. If I really couldn't deal I would have simply called her back and I know she would have dropped everything because I needed her. But it wasn't that serious, I figured I could deal on my own.
Lamar and I are basically coming to the end of our friendship. I'm tired of fighting to keep him in my life. I love him to death and would have done almost anything for him, but the love seems one sided. Lamar and I used to talk/date/mess around/something, awhile ago and after a period of not talking (things ended badly and I needed to remove him from my life) we began to rekindle a friendship. At one point I was comfortable with our relationship (a friendship is a relationship so don't read too much into that word), I understood I was there for him for emotional support and now that I think of it, he was just there, for me. I didn't get anything out of our friendship really other than someone I could call my best friend and that was enough. During my late junior/early senior year of college I was going through somethings and surprisingly he was there for me. He became my rock and really showed me that he cared. However, it was during this same time I discovered that there was apart of my friend that I didn't know. I side that he was hiding from me. He began vagueing and walking in "balls" but due to my dislike of the more feminate guys he kept this side away from me. He didn't want me to distance myself from him because this was apart of him, but he didn't realize that my love for him was unconditional. With some bumps in the road we were able to get over this hurdle, but I began to realize that I was pulling up the rear when it came to his friends. His house brothers and "dates" came before me. I understood and still loved him the same. Then he moved to DC. Now he needed money because he was not working and still had bills. Like a parent I lectured him on the importants of budgeting and making wise decisions, but I still sent him money (a little more than I could really spare, but he was my friend) and told him it was a gift and not a loan. Calls become less frequent, which was not unusual for us, and texts stopped being replied. I was ok with all of this because we had done it before. But then he came back to jersey for his birthday. I told him I would like to do something for him for his birthday. We planned to go to Great Adventure, but one of his other friends at the last moment wanted to do something with him, so he canceled. I told him I just wanted to see him for his birthday, just to wish him a happy birthday face to face since he had spent part of my birthday weekend with me. It never happened, he found every excuse not to chill. I mean I was willing to drive 20 minutes just to see him for 2, would not have had a problem with that, but he said no. Worst than that, I found out he had been in the ny/nj area 3 times and I hadn't gotten a call or nothing. I stopped calling, texting and emailing at that point. My feelings were really hurt. I had given so much of me and gotten so little in return. When my father passed I called him and left a message to inform him. I received not a call, text, email or letter back. He said he never got the message (I called his cell phone). My other friends convinced me that maybe my cell phone dropped the call and I didn't realize it, said no one could be that cold. I'm not sure anymore. Two days ok I texted him and told him I missed him and I wanted my best friend back. After I didn't get a reply in 2 hours I called to make sure his phone was still on. It was and he picked up. I kept the conversation short because he sounded annoyed to hear my voice. We ended the call with a promise that he would call me later. 2 days later nothing. I really wished I could have talked to him yesterday, but just as I realized he didn't care about me in a romantic way over 7 years ago, I realize that our friendship has died. It hurts me to type that, and i'm fighting back feelings of sadness and grief, but he has a new life and I have to find one of my own. I loved my best friend...
Sorry for the long paragraph that seems to have no flow to it, but it was on my chest and I just needed to let that and him go. I will probably blog later, I plan on taking my mom to dinner tonight and talk to her. The only thing I hope to get out of this is an open and honest conversation with my mother. It wouldn't be terribly upsetting to me to hear her tell me that she loves me no matter what, but she disapproves and will no accept the fact that I'm homosexual. It would hurt, but at least I knew where I stood with her, and thats all i'm looking for. I like things in black and white, life has grey areas, but I try my hardest to avoid them.
Yesterday was a trying day for me. I'm not sure what was wrong with me, but the last place I wanted to be was work. When I got back into the company van and headed back to the house from taking 2 boys from therapy, I became very irritable and quiet. The entire half hour drive back to the house was filled with only the sounds of the radio and the car speeding down the highway like street. Once back at the house my silence really didn't change. Normally upbeat and friendly, I walked through the house like a zombie. I passed several of the residents without muttering a word. This act shocked them and prompted several to ask what was wrong with me. The residents have come to expect a "hello, how was your day," from me. But today nothing came out. I really didn't care how their day had gone and really didn't want to let them in on how I was really feeling. While I was trying to eat (everyone else had eaten before I returned) my supervisior asked me to take the boys out to the garage and clean it. I ignored her request until I was done. Did she really think I was going to move? If she did, she was dumber than her tight ghetto afro puff she was sporting. When I finally made it outside, my co-worker took the boys outside, I leaned against one of the company's vans and starred at my car. If I leave and never return I'll miss out on a full month of pay (i'm leaving my job soon and starting a new one. My first paycheck from my new job would take at least 3 weeks to get to me), if I stay I run the risk of telling one of these kids what I really thought of them and trust me that wouldn't be pretty. I elected to stay but also elected to keep my distance from everyone. I found a quiet corner where I could see almost everyone and read my book. It was during this time that I realized that I made the right choice when I decided to leave this job.
During this miserable time for me I needed someone to talk to. Someone who understood me and my struggles with my feelings, someone that could comfort me. I knew of only two people that could tell me what I needed to hear, which is not necessarily what I want to hear. Those two people are Michelle and Lamar, my best friends. Michelle was in a meeting and promised to call me back. Our friendship has gone through its moments and is a little strange now. We don't speak often but in time of need, we know we can count on the other person. Of course she didn't call back. I've come to expect that. If I really couldn't deal I would have simply called her back and I know she would have dropped everything because I needed her. But it wasn't that serious, I figured I could deal on my own.
Lamar and I are basically coming to the end of our friendship. I'm tired of fighting to keep him in my life. I love him to death and would have done almost anything for him, but the love seems one sided. Lamar and I used to talk/date/mess around/something, awhile ago and after a period of not talking (things ended badly and I needed to remove him from my life) we began to rekindle a friendship. At one point I was comfortable with our relationship (a friendship is a relationship so don't read too much into that word), I understood I was there for him for emotional support and now that I think of it, he was just there, for me. I didn't get anything out of our friendship really other than someone I could call my best friend and that was enough. During my late junior/early senior year of college I was going through somethings and surprisingly he was there for me. He became my rock and really showed me that he cared. However, it was during this same time I discovered that there was apart of my friend that I didn't know. I side that he was hiding from me. He began vagueing and walking in "balls" but due to my dislike of the more feminate guys he kept this side away from me. He didn't want me to distance myself from him because this was apart of him, but he didn't realize that my love for him was unconditional. With some bumps in the road we were able to get over this hurdle, but I began to realize that I was pulling up the rear when it came to his friends. His house brothers and "dates" came before me. I understood and still loved him the same. Then he moved to DC. Now he needed money because he was not working and still had bills. Like a parent I lectured him on the importants of budgeting and making wise decisions, but I still sent him money (a little more than I could really spare, but he was my friend) and told him it was a gift and not a loan. Calls become less frequent, which was not unusual for us, and texts stopped being replied. I was ok with all of this because we had done it before. But then he came back to jersey for his birthday. I told him I would like to do something for him for his birthday. We planned to go to Great Adventure, but one of his other friends at the last moment wanted to do something with him, so he canceled. I told him I just wanted to see him for his birthday, just to wish him a happy birthday face to face since he had spent part of my birthday weekend with me. It never happened, he found every excuse not to chill. I mean I was willing to drive 20 minutes just to see him for 2, would not have had a problem with that, but he said no. Worst than that, I found out he had been in the ny/nj area 3 times and I hadn't gotten a call or nothing. I stopped calling, texting and emailing at that point. My feelings were really hurt. I had given so much of me and gotten so little in return. When my father passed I called him and left a message to inform him. I received not a call, text, email or letter back. He said he never got the message (I called his cell phone). My other friends convinced me that maybe my cell phone dropped the call and I didn't realize it, said no one could be that cold. I'm not sure anymore. Two days ok I texted him and told him I missed him and I wanted my best friend back. After I didn't get a reply in 2 hours I called to make sure his phone was still on. It was and he picked up. I kept the conversation short because he sounded annoyed to hear my voice. We ended the call with a promise that he would call me later. 2 days later nothing. I really wished I could have talked to him yesterday, but just as I realized he didn't care about me in a romantic way over 7 years ago, I realize that our friendship has died. It hurts me to type that, and i'm fighting back feelings of sadness and grief, but he has a new life and I have to find one of my own. I loved my best friend...
Sorry for the long paragraph that seems to have no flow to it, but it was on my chest and I just needed to let that and him go. I will probably blog later, I plan on taking my mom to dinner tonight and talk to her. The only thing I hope to get out of this is an open and honest conversation with my mother. It wouldn't be terribly upsetting to me to hear her tell me that she loves me no matter what, but she disapproves and will no accept the fact that I'm homosexual. It would hurt, but at least I knew where I stood with her, and thats all i'm looking for. I like things in black and white, life has grey areas, but I try my hardest to avoid them.
posted by Jay at
9:02 AM
3 Comments:
It sounds as if Lamar needs or desires to have space between the two of you for some reason. I say let him have it and if/when he is ready he will contact you. Maybe there is another secret part of him that he doesn't want you to find out and is distancing himself from you.
I wish you the best with your mom.
By
Ty, at 12:35 PM
For whatever reason that he has not responded to your efforts of communication, you have every right to be angered. We all have different levels of friends. Some on the more "urgent" list and some on the "whenever I see you" list. To spare yourself further pain and hurt, just lower him on your friends list. Afterall, he was your friend and if he was actively communicating, you'd still be friends. Dont let the friendship die, just put it in hibernation for a later date with no expectations.
By
fuzzy, at 2:36 PM
close long lasting friendships are so hard to let go of. i'm very sorry you had to experience that although everyone does at some oint i guess. y'know i got ya back tho... holla at me if u need to talk
By
Omar Ramon, at 1:05 PM
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