Random thoughts before work

As my final days at my current job drag along, I find myself less and less interested in my work. My work, unfortunately, needs and deserves more of my attention. My work happens to be teenage boys that need guidance. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm the best person to give life advice or I'm the most mature person around, but I do believe when I'm actually working, there are few that can genuinely help these young men like I can. When I started this job almost two years ago I thought I would walk in and join a team of professionals like myself. I didn't. Now instead of trying to wait for things to improve, I'm leaving. Defeated, worn and depressed, I'm leaving this field in search of something else. No clue to where my life is going to go, but I'm leaving.

The past two weeks have allowed me to find two of my previous loves. Reading and Writing. I've had the opportunity to do this blogging thing and I must admit that it has been great for me mentally. At times I write about nothing, but even that has allowed me to put my thoughts on medium and just let go. I missed this. Its strange, I didn't realize how much I missed journaling until I began doing it again. Now reading I love, but didn't have time for it or should I simply say I didn't make time. I just finished E. Lynn Harris' memoir and I have fallen in love with his writing again. The man seems to capture the pain and confusing I try so hard to hide from everyone that comes in contact with me (this includes my therapist.). I've never gone to any of his book signing or seen/heard any of his interviews in fear he wouldn't live up to the image of genius I have of him, but I know like others who have read his books, he has captured what it is to be dissatisfied with yourself. Along with Invisible Life, E. Lynn Harris' memoir should be a must read for all gay men. His book was truly powerful and touching.

Tomorrow night I plan on taking my mother to dinner and having a talk with her. I want to see how comfortable she is with my sexuality and maybe even discuss something concerning that with her. I don't think she realizes yet that she has met everyone of my exs. Like I said in a previous blog, my mom and I were like friends, but due to circumstance we grew distant. I will be sure to let everyone know how that goes. Wish me luck.

Ok I'm off to work now, don't want to be there and the urge to just walk out and never return is becoming more and more a realistic possibility to me. Enjoy your day and I'll share later.