Been on my mind

After chatting with my lil brother (not Byron, so Dammitt get your hand out your pants…lol), I figured I would finally write what has been on my mind for weeks, I finally found the right words. This is not intended to put anyone on the spot, call anyone out or cause tension, its just what has been going on with me. I'm going to try to put a positive spin on things so here I go...

With everything that has been going on with me I was down and really was hoping I could lean on those close to me for comfort and support. I realize that I'm difficult and I don't try to hide it from people, I am who I am, but I hoped that those that were close to me would recognize that I needed them during this down period. I don't need anyone to baby me and check on my health, but a greater presence in my life would have been nice. Some have stepped up and done a great job while others have fallen back. I just wanted to say thank you to those who I haven't and just acknowledge people. I don't want to focus on the negative anymore, just roll around inthe positive and let it fill my life.

Brandon. We have become closer since I got out of the hospital and I'm thankful for that. You treat me like nothing had happened, hell, sometimes I have to remind you that I can't rip and run like I used to, but I love you for that. When we talk, which is almost everyday, or when we chill you make me feel like nothing is wrong in my life. Thank you for everything and Liyah misses you and Mikael...lmao.

Omar. I love you to death, but if you walk to my house from yours again I don't know who will beat you first, me or my mother...lol. Thanks man. Like Brandon, you treat me the same and you make sure we hold a conversation at least once a day. Hell, my mom was thinking about giving you a key because she saw you so much...lol. We never did much when we chilled, but that was fine with me, actually, many days it was perfect.

Cris. I know you read my blog even though you don't comment but thanks man. Even though I hate bringing up my health you make sure you check up on me and make sure I'm doing ok and let me know that someone else is going through a similar situation. Thanks...oh yea where is my damn package...lol.

Liyah. You could have easily made it onto my, MY FRIENDS post, you are great. You know I have love for you and not only because you are carrying my neice. You are the female version of my brother so I really don't need to say more. Love you and will talk to you later on.

Those who made it onto my, MY FRIENDS post I chose not to re-list you, all of you have been great. I didn't think I could be closer to any of you, but I have been and Love you all a great deal. Daniel, our relationship has changed some, but I can honestly say you have made more of an attempt than I have, thanks man. Dee thanks for listening and being you, yes we have come along way since "The Lobby."

Shawn and X, I miss you guys. Whether its true or not I just feel like you have forgotten about me recently. I realize that we all have our issues, but right now I need my friends around.

I'm just rambling

I sit here typing today well rested in a relative good mood. It's a new week that I have been blessed to see outside of the hospital so I will find a way to enjoy it. Last week I forced my friends to surround me with their love, this week I have no idea how i"m going to keep my mind busy and my body rested. I went to get an x-ray today, which my doctor asked me to get like three weeks ago. I'm so over doctors and the hospital, if something is wrong with me I just want it to quietly take me out. I realize how bad that sounds but I just can't take the site of these over educated uncaring assholes and that germ infested building they trap us in. But I'm being positive (lol), trying to enjoy this time I have off.

Ok, I know people shout in church about how good God is and how some foreseeable action has occurred that they give created to God for, but I'm about to be one of those people. I have retired from caring about my problems, don't want to bitch anymore, I gave them all up to God and trusted that if it is in the plan of my creator then it will get done, if not, there is nothing I can do about it. Well, GOD is more than good, he is great. Financially I hit a hard spot, I hadn't received a check since December and that wasn't even a full check, bills still needed to be paid and I was handling them for the most part. Well it came down to the wire, I had $650 left in my account and a bill for $672 starring at me. No worries, I placed it aside and simple said, "I'm not stressing." Well I'm here to tell you, despite disability sending me letters that didn't make since, my job sending letters that my position would not be guaranteed upon my return and this bill smacking me in the face, I did not worry and my God came through. I received 4 checks from disability and to my surprise they are giving me a lot more than I expected, hell, I'm getting more than I made working since they not taking out taxes (yes this will kick me in the ass later). I got a text from my manager, she wanted to say hi and tell me that they were moving our seats and I would be in the area I had requested before I got sick. Everything has been taken care of by my God.

Since I don't have much to do I scan blogs from time to time just to see what is going on with everyone else and it seems like I'm the only one that uses this blog thing as a true journal. I'm not saying any way is right or wrong, just making an observation. I love the blogs detailing a bad date though, these people take me back to when I used to date and find people while I was in college (not to say dating has gotten any better for me recently). I read another blog that has turned into a forum of sorts, love the topics and sometimes I will leave a comment or two, but I like the interaction and the different view points that are given. Hell everyone seems to read his blog, there is a straight guy that comments regularly now and this blog usually have gay related themes.

I know I'm going on and on about nothing in this post but this is my journal. I'm just letting the thoughts that are in my head come out. I could sit and write a thoughtful post but my essay writing days are over, I'm not getting paid for this nor am I getting a grade. I post what I want because this is my blog...lol.

My body is tighten up like it did before i went into the hospital. I'm scared I might have to go back to the hospital and stay longer, which is the main reason it took me so long to get my x-ray done. I'm not a quitter but the thought of being cut open again and having tubes running in and out of my body is not flattering nor is it something I'm looking forward to. Hell if I see the light this time I'm going to run to the light and ignore the pictures on the wall.

I'm off, i'm going to try to convince my brother to take me to the store, until the next time...

Sleep typing

It is now 2:49am on a sunday morning and I find myself sitting in front of this computer in the kitchen typing. Sure I could lay down and try to force myself to go to sleep but lately sleep has not come easily nor has it stayed long, so I write. I wrote in my personal journal already, which I have been keeping on the advice of another blogger. It helps me realize some of what is going on in my head when I don't feel like getting on the computer but it also takes away from my material for my blog. Since I want to keep the two separate but both are a catalog of my life it becomes a little difficult to keep ideas from overlapping. Sure I will probably be the only person that is aware of the overlap but I would know.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a book, but haven't dedicated any time to it, just a lot of lip service. I don't think I have it in me to just sit and type away and keep focused on a single idea. I keep saying, "tomorrow I'm going to start, a page a day until I get into a groove." Tomorrow has come and gone and still nothing. Yes I have an idea of what I want to write about, but aren't we all tired of the same old gay love story or love story in general just wrapped up in today's language? I read a book about a year ago that was interesting, very graphic, however, the entire time I read the story that was before me I thought, this shit would never happen. Sure, if I wrote a novel I would be writing it for me to prove that I could do it, but I still would want an audience to enjoy and ultimately buy my work. I wait, let the days slip by, let doubt creep in, now I'm wondering if I can write well enough to write a novel. Can I tell a story like some of the other bloggers or writers I read? Once again I tell myself I'm doing this for me but others will read and judge. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it or not, I may write it and never show anyone, burn it once it is complete like so many short stories I completed throughout grammar school to college.

I think I'm finally getting tired. I have written two very long paragraphs about my day and week only to erase them both. Part of me wants to tell the word of my mood, let everyone know that I'm suffering from depression and refuse to seek help (yea hold all comments about the benefits of counseling or telling me to seek any, I know all of it but there is a reason I chose to use the word refuse in the sentence), the other part of me wants to tell about a wonderful week being surrounded by wonderful friends. All these damn wonderfuls aren't me, nor is censorship, I thought as I deleted the last paragraph, so I decided I'm tired. I'm going to go hit the couch now , realizing I'm either going to sleep in pain, wake up sore or the daily double I get both. This is life. When I was in grammar school my favorite saying was "life sucks then you die." I feel like a piece of me is dying everyday and there is nothing I can do about it. Only a pretend smile remains on this face of mine, I have become the bitter man my father was mixed with the dark child I used to be, what a fucked up pair. Goodnight/morning all...

My Friends

I realize I might not want to do this post as some persons may feel left out, feelings hurt or questions raised, but hell, do you really think that was going to stop me? I've decided to rank and thank my closest friends, those I say I love and mean it. Now these people will be people I consider friends, those that I can share everything with and have been through the storms and back with. The decision to do this wasn't to hurt anyone's feelings or isolate myself from others, but give those who have been there supporting me the credit and recognization they deserve. My Mother has been left out because I think I'm going to dedicate a post to her and her alone. Most of these people don't read my blog so plastering their names on my blog will mean nothing to them as they probably will never see it. I wish I could do a top ten but I don't have that many unless I lower my standards and for this post I won't.

1. At the top of my list is my brother. Ok, I didn't say family and friends but if you knew my relationship with my brother you would know that he is truly my friend. Byron and I haven't always been friends, in fact when we were younger we used to fight and argue all the time. However, I always loved my brother and I was the only person that would torture him. Not a child or adult would yell or make him cry without me intervening. Byron was the first heterosexual I told I was gay and only the third person I admitted I was gay to. We laughed, joked and never missed a beat after I told him. Now that I'm sick/recovering and stuck in the house he is right there beside me trying to make this process as bearable as possible.

2. Easily this person could have been number one, she is and has always been my best friend, Omika, my older sister. When I felt like the black sheep of my family, an outcast among my brother and sisters when I was growing up, she was right there letting me know I wasn't alone. Jokingly we started saying we were twins because we shared some of the same ideas, got along better than I did with my actual twin sister and looked alike also. When we both became adults it was surprising how much closer we got, I sometime forgot she was my sister, she was a friend. It took me a long time to tell her I was gay which she was upset about (the length of time not the fact that I was gay), but once I did it opened a whole new chapter in our friendship. Now we both share stories of our relationships and "adult" acts. I love my older sister and not just because she gave birth to my favorite nephew (she and a few others will understand why that was written).

3. Michelle. What can I say about the diva in my life? She is wonderful and always there to check me when I need it and push me to be better. Michelle and I met in college and nothing about our relationship has ever been easy. We argued, stopped speaking, I betrayed her, but at the end of it all, our love and respect for one another kept us together. How many of you can go without talking to your best friend for a year and still know if you needed to talk to them at 4 am on a work day they would still answer the phone and listen? I can. She can. Many of my close friends and associates haven't met her, not because I'm ashamed of her, but because I want her all to myself. She is my Michelle. Love you baby.

4. Matt. My little brother, Matt. When I first met Matt he was a horny thirteen year old boy with the crack voice trying to be oh so grown. Now, at age twenty-three, this young man just amazes me. Matt and I have cried together, laughed and just talked, we have maintained our relationship dispute many miles, screen name and email changes, number changes and never meeting face to face. But love knows no boundaries. I care for him as much as I care for my own brother and more than most of the people I know personally. His pain is my pain, his success is my success and I enjoy in his life as much as I can. There will not be another Matt in my life and not another friend that does half the things he does. I love his craziness, I love his drive and I love his vision. I love my little brother and draw a lot of my strength to continue fighting from him.

5. Mike. I've known Mike for a short time relatively speaking. He was hurt by another friend of mine and through comforting him we became friends. Mike is one of the few good guys left out there. Yes he has his own issues but once in his circle he will bend over backwards move heaven and earth for you. Sometimes I wonder how we remain friends, he refuses to sleep and doesn't think anyone else should sleep and a nap is my best friend before I go to sleep for the night. He is a movie goer and watcher, I hate sitting looking at the screen that long. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is we are there for each other. It can be a simple hi or a conversation about nothing, we make sure the other is alright and able to continue on in life. Love you Mikey.

6. Eddie. Who would have thought we would still be friends after our first meeting? You were dating my friend and trying to hook me up with your friend, but look at us now. Hell, after I took that ride with your mother to drop you off at college I didn't think I would hear from you again, thought you would just disown me. Those were tough times. Now I look at you like you are my little brother. I know I mess with you when you shout out your other friends but leave me out, but I really do know how you feel. I'm so proud of you little brother. I love you

7. Greg. Blacksunshyne (did I spell it right?)...lol. Remember those days. Remember when you had a two drink maximum? Greg, if I had to put a label on him I would characterize him as a cool older brother. He would go out with us, but he was a constant reminder of what we should and should not do. He was there to give us the speeches of our parents when they are not around. But Greg is a great and giving person. Like most people in my life, we have had our moments, but Greg has always bounced back. Being around Greg reminds me where I should be as a person, yes I do think people take advantage of him, honestly he knows most of the time now, but he doesn't let that change him. He might be the nicest person I know. I love you old man...lol (ok I know I'm right behind you in age but I'm still younger...lol).

8. Antonne. Of all the people on the list I have known Antwan the least amount of time, but friendships and love are not measured by time in my book. We have shared personal details of our lives to one another, dreams and pain. We have made the other laugh and cry but the love has remained. I tried to push you out of my life that was a task I could not complete. The love I have for you is different and the same for you than the other members on this list, but whenever I have been at my lowest point recently you have been there. There to check on Mike for me and keep him sane when I was unable to, keep me company when I felt no one cared about me outside of my family, you always go out of your way to make me feel special. I love you my Antwan.

9. Tony. I wish we could just stay away from each other. Even when things are going good for us it is a fight. But you are my Tony and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know why we don't talk much now, it’s the nature of our relationship, but I know you love me. For those of you that don't know, Tony broke my heart twice, chose two other men over me. I should be bitter, but we always ended up back together (not romantically), arguing about nothing and trying to force our will on the other. I wouldn't change anything about our relationship, arguing and bumping heads is just who we are. Two Leos who share the same type of personality just can't work without both having thick skin. I love you and I'm coming to see my step godson soon.

I love these nine people and wouldn't change them. They have been through the good, bad and ugly with me, as I with them. I love my nine unconditionally and they may not know it but they have helped keep me here as much as my mother and the doctors have. There is so much that I have to say to them, I want to do (I'm not going to Vegas so bag it up and you know who you are) with them. I love all you and you know I have and will drop everything for you (don't think I'm doing manual labor, once again you know who you are).

JUST ANOTHER DAY

As Valentine's Day comes to an end I take this time to reflect on the day that was. A day filled with love, flowers and balloons, one of the lovingest days of the year. Damn I hate this make believe holiday. For one day, everyone is supposed to show their love for the ones that they should be showing love to all year long. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but how many of us go out of our way to buy those dozen roses, bottle of cologne, box of chocolate on this day for our sweetheart, go out to dinner and possibly a hotel to show our love only to get our credit card or bank statement at the end of the month and realize what a waste it truly was. Shouldn't unexpected gifts and trips be the norm, shouldn't we be able to tell those we love, "I love you," everyday. Why does the wife beater take off just this one day and allow his pimp hand to rest in warm water as his wife indulges in the chocolate she didn't have to pay for with her face, why is the adulterer forced to buy an extra nice gift and go to dinner twice (what you thought the secretary wasn't going out to dinner also?). This economic holiday geared to remind those in love of what should be obvious and depress those lonely souls that sit alone wanting wishing for a mate is coming to an end and for me it couldn’t come fast enough.

The day started off like most for me, I struggled to get out of the bed, one part because I was in an uncomfortable position (most positions are uncomfortable due to the half healed bone in the middle of my chest) and secondly because I was without a whole nights sleep again. My sister had the great idea to go to lunch at my mother’s job today for Valentine’s Day since we were both off work today, I didn’t object so I called her to find out what time she would be ready. I had an hour, which for me was enough time to shower and iron something to wear. I was going to miss church but since I didn’t have a working car (my car has a flat and since I’m not supposed to left a turkey I’m thinking a tire is out of the question) to get to church I was going to miss it anyway. The day was going smoothly, we picked up flowers and balloons for my mother (ok, she picked them up, I just went along for the ride) and then my sister treated us to lunch at the café at my mother’s job. My mother needed us to run an errand to the bank, great, I was in no rush to go back to my new prison (the hospital was prison number one, home has taken the place of the hospital). We get home and there are three letters for me. One from my job’s disability department informing me that if I’m not back at work by March 9, 2008 I’m subject to my job’s attendance policy, in short, my job is not secure after March 9, 2008. Then there were two letters from the state disability department (this is my check), in short they want information that can’t be given at this time like, the day I started back at work. As I read that letter I thought, “What the fuck? I’m still out of work and last I checked I couldn’t see into the future.”

Instead of letting the day get to me I did the only thing I could do, threw on a gospel CD, took the letters upstairs to my room, closed the door and didn’t worry about a damn thing. My blood pressure was running high all day, I didn’t care, I had pizza for dinner. O came home and interrupted my nap and peace. I didn’t mind, he watched Sweeney Todd and I drifted in and out of sleep. Now I’m typing without a care in the world. The depression that had been my friend all week is still on the couch sleep and I’m experiencing an unexplainable high. So on this February 14, 2008, I say goodnight to my readers and to those who foolishly went out their way to express their love because it’s Valentine’s Day I say, shame on you, flowers and balloons can be brought all year around.

Starting Over

Dear Terrance,

As you read this I hope thoughts of our last vacation getaway comes to mind and not the many fights we have had recently. I hope you can remember being picked up from home on that warm July evening after reading the greeting card I left on the coffee table for you giving you the directions for the night. Do you remember? It simple read, the car will pick you up at 8, just be showered and dressed for bed. You asked the driver several times where I was but I had paid him an extra hundred dollars not to answer any of your questions. When you arrived to the cabin at 10pm, I could only imagine the grin on your face as you tried to figure out what I was up to. When you entered our Villa it was a surprise to you, I sat naked on the coffee table with a greeting card between my legs, no lights on and a fire burning in the fireplace that dimmed the room. I handed you the card that held your instructions for the weekend: Just Ask. We made love on that first level and you didn’t see the gifts I had for you until the next morning. Hopefully you remember those thoughts.

This letter is not a prelude to an erotic weekend like that. Take a second and look around. I took everything that I paid, everything I bought into this house that was not a gift to you. I did you a favor and took away all signs that me and our love ever shared this brownstone with you. That trip was six months ago and like the fire in the fireplace our love has ceased to exist. This letter may seem a little cold and as a shock to your ego, but I guess you will see that being self-centered has its flaws. For the past month I have been taking things out of your house and you haven’t noticed or cared, probably because you were too busy caring for another. Yeah, I know about the other men in your life, I’ve known for months.

You made your first mistake two months ago, you minimized your email to noclue45@blackplanet.com when you went to the bathroom. Not sure if I was hurt more by your blatant disrespect for me to write that email while I was in the room or the content of the email, I minimized it back and went for my scheduled run. I never forgot. As the days went on you got sloppier and sloppier, numbers were left on the dresser, you began given these boys our house number, so I finally got the hint and realized our relationship was over. You probably don’t care that I’m gone, the kiss on the cheek and I love you I got this morning was just routine, but I’m doing this for me.

I loved what we had, but I’m finished pretending to enjoy being merely a piece of your world. We were supposed to be building a life together, I wasn’t just supposed to be apart of yours. Find yourself another Mr. Terrance Thomas because this one is gone.

Starting New,

Jarrod Jacobs

Terrance laughed as he balled up the paper containing the words of his “Dear John” letter. He glanced around his living room and realized he was only missing some pillows, pictures and decorations on his coffee table and end tables, everything else in the room he had purchased. He laughed at how pity his lover had become when he walked in the kitchen and realized he didn’t have any dishes, utensils or cooking supplies. The kitchen was empty with the exception of the stove and oven which were built into the wall and the refrigerator they had split the cost of. He opened the refrigerator door and it was empty, no food, no drinks, no frost. Jarrod had literally cleaned it out. “I can’t believe this shit, this nigga is crazy.” Terrance took to the steps, two at a time to the master bedroom. A mattress and mirror was all that was left of the $4000 bedroom set they shared. Paintings, lamps, pillows and hangers were no where to be found, he took them all. A note was placed on the mattress for him, Terrance shook his head, “now what?”

By now you see I’m a man of my word. Don’t worry, you will notice everything you brought is still there, hell, I was nice enough to leave a few things I got you. Baby its over and don’t worry about picking up those two suits in the cleaners, I got them.

Love ya, J

Terrance sat and did the only thing he could, he chuckled. Neither of them handled the break up like men, but he realized hurting Jarrod had cost him more than a relationship of six years. Starting over was necessary and definitely would come as a cost.

Random

Let me start by saying sorry to my readers for taking so long to post another post, I've been trying to post every two days but my sister took her laptop and I was too lazy to hook mine up. But I'm back with my mess of a life, so read what you want, there should be something for everybody (sorry no sex talk this time).

Its Sunday and I really should be in church praising God or at the very least have my gospel music on worshiping his name, but I'm sitting hear listening to Trey Songs new cd (really not that impressed) and texting X. I'm not really feeling like myself right now but I've been changing so much that I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm feeling better I must admit, I know I'm getting better and I have taken the advice of many and I'm taking it easy. My days seem the same, I wake up, watch tv with my younger brother, take meds and eat. I rarely go outside unless I have a doctor's appointment. I should be depressed about that, but I'm not. I'm getting too comfortable with being home doing nothing.

Even though I'm becoming lazy at home I have found things to get excited/upset about. Those that know me well know that my sexuality really isn't the world to me. I mean I'm Gay and don't really hide that, at the same time I don't let it define who I am nor do I get caught up in a lot of the "gay" activities. However, doing research on the internet I came across an article on Newark, NJ and it's invisible gay community. I wanted to learn more about a community center for LGBT youth's in the area and surprisingly this was the only thing that came up. The article touched on incidents of abuse aimed at persons going to or from this center and discrimination toward homosexuals in the largest city in the state. I wanted to be upset, wanted to start a writing campaign, but what's the point. We still bash one another. We sit and tell our more openly gay brothers and sisters they need to tone it down. Snicker at them when they switch by with their "man bags." We break down the self-esteem of our own, try to throw members of our family back in the closest on so many levels. I wish I could say I was above the snickering, above the name callings, but I'm not yet. I accept my friends and others for who they are, but to say that is something I understand or try to be around would be a lie. I say all of that to ask, where do we go from here? I'm a firm believer in taking care of home first before reaching out. So do we need to work on our relationships between masculine and feminine members of our community before we work on the relationship between gays and straights?

Recently I've tried changing a few things about me. One of the major things is my mouth and what comes out of it. I have a tendency to be very blunt and honest and it can be hurtful and in the past may have cost me some friendships. However, it seems that I'm the only one suffering from this change (side note: I'm over this cd, I'm about to put on my gospel). I suffer for visitors that just won't go home, bad movies etc. Normally, I would just tell someone it's time to leave, but now I hope they get the hint or suffer through a crappy movie because someone else wants to watch it. So, I've decided, even at the risk of loosing friends, I can only be me and telling people to get the fuck out because they have been at my house for six hours and I need a mental break is a problem, OH FUCKING WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (lol)

The Light

Recently, a few people have asked me about my early experience in the hospital. They wanted to know did I see the "light" when I claim I almost died. Well, instead of answering the question again and to go into details for those I just answered yes to, I will post about it. While in the hospital I don't remember much about the first 8 or 9 days as I was either unconcious or heavily medicated, so most of the information provided in this post came from family and doctors who witnessed my ordeal.

Twice the paddles had to be used to revive me. I went into cardiac arrest twice, the second time being the worst. During the rest attack on my heart the doctors were able to quickly revive me using the paddles and the scare was limited. For me, I was already unconcious so there was no fear of dying that came over me, but in my state of darkness I saw a light in the distance. It was clear to me because my existance at this point consisted of nothing and this light was something new, but it only lasted what seemed like a second, then darkness again. This was not a life changing event for me because at this time I thought I was still dreaming.

The second time I saw the light changed my life and may have actually saved me. Still in darkness I began to see images of who I was as a person, my development. Everything was still dark, however, it appeared that my life was hanging in frames on the wall. I walked down this long hallway looking at pictures that brought about life like memories of my past. Memories of a child that hid in a dark closest crying seeking acceptance from the world, a quiet 1st grader that never made friends, a high school junior that suffered through school in the shadow of his twin sister and a college student finally discovering himself, I was unaware of the light at the end of the long hallway that the pictures were leading me to. Once aware of the light I stopped. I knew at this point what going further would mean. I turned and looked over my life, looked over the growth I had gone through, the changes, the people I had met, reflected on what I had just saw. I was satisfied. I was ready to move on, I had no regrets and no unfinished business. But it wasn't my time to go. Before my feet could move toward the light an image of my mother came to mind and I couldn't do it. I dropped to my knees and began to pray:

Lord, please don't take me now, I can't do that to my mother. She couldn't take loosing someone else so close to a holiday. If it is in your will please spare my life, not for me, but for her. I love her too much to hurt her like this. I am satisfied with my, I have no problem with going with you, but please spare me. I know I have recently turned my back on you, said I no longer believe, but if you do this for me I will give my life back to you. Please Lord spare me. In your son Jesus Christ's name, Amen.

There was no booming voice telling me to turn around, there was no out stretched hand trying to get me to continue walking, it was just me and the light, me and a decision. I walked away.

Even writing this right now I'm getting choked up, its all so real for me. I realize some have read this and said he was dreaming, this is made up, maybe it was the drugs. It was real. My second cardic arrest almost took me out of here, doctors were ready to call it before I suddenly returned. I know God had his hands on me during my time in the hospital even though I can't remember a great deal of what happened, I know because the doctors had given up on me several times and told my mother she should prepare herself the inevitable. My God had other plans for me. Things might not be the way I wanted them to be, I may not have walked away from this ordeal in perfect health or without scars, but I walked away the way he wanted me to. If you do not have a relationship with God, I urge you to seek him, he is closer than you think.