The Light

Recently, a few people have asked me about my early experience in the hospital. They wanted to know did I see the "light" when I claim I almost died. Well, instead of answering the question again and to go into details for those I just answered yes to, I will post about it. While in the hospital I don't remember much about the first 8 or 9 days as I was either unconcious or heavily medicated, so most of the information provided in this post came from family and doctors who witnessed my ordeal.

Twice the paddles had to be used to revive me. I went into cardiac arrest twice, the second time being the worst. During the rest attack on my heart the doctors were able to quickly revive me using the paddles and the scare was limited. For me, I was already unconcious so there was no fear of dying that came over me, but in my state of darkness I saw a light in the distance. It was clear to me because my existance at this point consisted of nothing and this light was something new, but it only lasted what seemed like a second, then darkness again. This was not a life changing event for me because at this time I thought I was still dreaming.

The second time I saw the light changed my life and may have actually saved me. Still in darkness I began to see images of who I was as a person, my development. Everything was still dark, however, it appeared that my life was hanging in frames on the wall. I walked down this long hallway looking at pictures that brought about life like memories of my past. Memories of a child that hid in a dark closest crying seeking acceptance from the world, a quiet 1st grader that never made friends, a high school junior that suffered through school in the shadow of his twin sister and a college student finally discovering himself, I was unaware of the light at the end of the long hallway that the pictures were leading me to. Once aware of the light I stopped. I knew at this point what going further would mean. I turned and looked over my life, looked over the growth I had gone through, the changes, the people I had met, reflected on what I had just saw. I was satisfied. I was ready to move on, I had no regrets and no unfinished business. But it wasn't my time to go. Before my feet could move toward the light an image of my mother came to mind and I couldn't do it. I dropped to my knees and began to pray:

Lord, please don't take me now, I can't do that to my mother. She couldn't take loosing someone else so close to a holiday. If it is in your will please spare my life, not for me, but for her. I love her too much to hurt her like this. I am satisfied with my, I have no problem with going with you, but please spare me. I know I have recently turned my back on you, said I no longer believe, but if you do this for me I will give my life back to you. Please Lord spare me. In your son Jesus Christ's name, Amen.

There was no booming voice telling me to turn around, there was no out stretched hand trying to get me to continue walking, it was just me and the light, me and a decision. I walked away.

Even writing this right now I'm getting choked up, its all so real for me. I realize some have read this and said he was dreaming, this is made up, maybe it was the drugs. It was real. My second cardic arrest almost took me out of here, doctors were ready to call it before I suddenly returned. I know God had his hands on me during my time in the hospital even though I can't remember a great deal of what happened, I know because the doctors had given up on me several times and told my mother she should prepare herself the inevitable. My God had other plans for me. Things might not be the way I wanted them to be, I may not have walked away from this ordeal in perfect health or without scars, but I walked away the way he wanted me to. If you do not have a relationship with God, I urge you to seek him, he is closer than you think.