Light Post

Ok what's up with Randy's red shoes. I know some of you watch American Idol and had to notice this week that he wore those ugly red shoes that looked like closed off clogs. Is he really trying to come out the closest or is his fashion sense that bad? Help me out here.

Surprisingly, I have been going to church for service twice a week. I was never a big church goer and I think I only went twice last year, so for me to go twice a week is big news. Am I being forced? Nope, this is all me. I made a promise to get more dedicated to my faith, give back to the one that has blessed me with life, a good family and friends. At one point not long ago I confessed that I was an anthesist, I had given up on religion and God. Even though I was down and renoucing my God, he is a good God and didn't leave me. When I was sick and dying, my God was by my side and brought me through it all, so I will praise his name and spread his good news.

That's my post for the day. I'm in the process of writing a short story (hope I can finish it) to post, only problem is it doesn't seem to be so short. But anyway, be blessed I'll post again later.

Random

Ok, I'm looking for something to do. I'm tired of being in the house or going out just to hear bullshit from another doctor that only examines or speaks to me for only two minutes or to get food. I'm not yet fully healed and realize that just sitting on my ass might be the best thing to do, but isn't that being rather lazy? Staying still because someone else told me to or because of an illness has been weighing on my body has never been me, I like to do my own thing, make my own rules, move when I want to move.



I realize as I am writing that God has done all of this to slow me down and take a deeper look into my life. I'm trying. As far as relationships go I have jumped into the the middle of the ocean and I really don't like what I'm seeing. When I look at the "crew" I really only see two or three friends, a few associates and a couple of people I'm just hanging onto. I tried to look passed or let me use a better word, accept the flaws I thought my friends had, but being stuck in the house and re-examining all my relationships, I'm beginning to realize I don't fit in the group. Maybe I do, maybe we are a group of mix-match parts, but I can't help but see everyone for who they are. Now don't confuse this as a declaration of perfection on my behave because I have faults and with the exception of one other I may have one of the hardest personalities to get along with. I make no excuses for who I am or how I come across, you have to take me as I am and personally that's how I try to deal with other's, I accept them for who they are, the good and bad. But what happens when you no longer can handle the differences?



I've been rethinking my rebeling against the barber and cutting my hair and think I will be getting a fresh cut before friday (shhhh don't tell my mother). I'm supposed to go out to eat on friday and after looking at myself in the mirror, I know for sure I'm not going to anyone's restaurant looking the way I do unless it's white castle or McDonald's.

UPDATE

I had planned on making this post, my testimony, but that will have to wait until this ordeal is over. But I will give you some updates. I learned that I wasa on the wrong diet. Yes, some words almost came out of my mouth that my mother didn't need to hear. However, I'm doing better with that, I can basicaly eat what I want just need to watch my sodium. My doctor wants me to gain weight, on that other diet I was loosing weight about 2 lbs a day.

How am I doing? I'm still in pain. I have good days and I feel like everything is going to be alright. I feel like Jay, I smile and it's real. During these days I try to do everything I need to do. Then there are the bad days. During these days my chest hurts, I'm tight and can't move. During these days I realize I'm going through a period of depression and need to seek help. I'm going to look into that once I can drive, because Lord knows my family doesn't need another place they have to take me.

Not much else is going on. I'm trying to get rest and stay positive. I want to publicly thank Antwan and Mike for hitting me up everyday and Antwan for trying to make it over here once a week. Thanks to everyone else that have stopped by. Oh yeah, I think I'm going to masturbate soon, its been almost three months.

Damn this is random

Life has prevented me from posting before today, but I'm here now. I wish I had the brain power to sit here and right a short story or thought out smart post, but the reality of it all is I can't. The only thing on my mind lately is my health, the damn healthy food that I'm forcing down and cardiomyopathy (the heart disease that caused them to rip my chest open). By the way, anyone know of any restaurants in New Jersey that caters to a healthy diet?

OK I think I'm going to abstain from any type of sexual contact until the weekend before I go back to work (a little less than six months from today). I know some of you will say I'm crazy, stupid and out of my mind, but its been over two months since I've had an erection so it shouldn't be hard (no pun intended) for me to handle it. Shit I gave up drinking for three months, are you really surprised I would try this? So when I gain the ability to get hard again I'm going to continue not to touch myself. Anyone want to try this with me?

I have more to share but i'm tired so I'm about to go to bed. I'll try to post again real soon.

Life Changes

They finally released me from my prison. I had begun loosing my mind and sense of self while in the hospital and it was only a matter of days before a full mental break occurred. The purple walls were beige to me as I never noticed the color despite staring at them for hours on end. Delusions of visitors and conversations that never happened with people that were or were not present, paranoia racing through my mind thinking the workers were trying to kill me. Delusions, paranoia and medication working together I came up with three times they tried to kill me (two I believe are true today). But I'm free now, I'm home. I am still in pain but I'm home.

My diet has to change. I'm on a low-fat low sodium diet. As some of you may know I had to cut dairy out of my diet a few months back because it was causing me breathing problems, while now I have to say bye to bacon, most cuts of pork, chips ahoy chocolate cookies (the lady said I could have 1 or 2 every once in a while, who can do that?), I have to limit my beef intake and they really don't want me to have steaks. So, healthy food for me. Now I like when my sister cooks (she only cooks low-fat foods) so I'm happy when she is home, but when my moms cooks the meat is extra dry. Any cooks out there want to make me something to eat and drop it off, I'm cool with that.

For the next 6 months I can not work. This is going to drive me crazy. Sure I hate going to work and complain about it, but I can't live without it, it's apart of who I am. I need to contribute, be able to pay my own way and stay active, not being able to work is forcing me to change a part of me. In addition to working, I can't drive for at least month and for 3-4 months if I'm not driving I have to sit in the back like a two year old. I don't sit in the back and I like to drive my own car (when I'm in Jersey, JB got me in the city), now I need to depend on someone else. I guess the bottom line here is I hate to depend on others to do something I should be able to do.

New Year's Resolution

Ok, I'm not one for making New Year's Resolution, actually I vowed I would never make a resolution. Almost ten years later I broke my vow. My New Year's Resolution is to maintain my new friendship.

During my ordeal in the hospital, my twin sister, Sharmaine, was right by my side. Spending long nights at the hospital, avoiding her boyfriend and surrendering her vacation, she was there. I don't remember any of that, but when i came through, she was there with my mother and brother. Over the next few days we laughed, we slept, she wiped my forehead of sweat, adjusted my bed and did i mention slept? On New Year's eve we had a discussion on why we didn't talk much/ why we weren't friends. It was a brutually honest conversation. The end of it all, we love each other and there is no reason we can't be friends. So, we decided to extend our friendship past the walls of the hosiptal and when I come out.

This will be different. I spent most of my life disliking my sister, avoiding my sister so I wouldn't hate her, now we will be spending time together, actually hanging out. This should be interesting.

Oh, to the crew, you will be part of this because she wants to hang with you guys also...for some reason she likes you guys.

That 1st Day

The pain was unbearable and I was a prisoner of the one seater I had slept in the night before. Nothing was working currently. Arms and legs were unwilling to cause me additional pain so they decided to fight my commands to move. My body was cramped. My mother came downstairs and saw me just sitting still in the chair, "good morning, son." She continued downstairs to wash clothes, her normal saturday routine. "You ok," she yelled upstairs, realizing I hadn't repsonded to her intentional good morning.

"I need help."

"You want to go to the hospital?"

"yes," I said in a whimpering tone. Thump thump thump, my mother ran up the short flight of stairs from the basement to the family room where I was still trapped. Her face was filled with shock and concern. "Baby are you ok?"

"No. I can't move. It hurts."

"Ok, I'm going to get dressed. Do you want me to call one of your friends? Antwan? I'm going to call Antwan and see if he will come with us." She picked up her phone and I assumed she called Antwan because she emergered from the basement stating he needed to shower first. She went upstairs and got her things together. "Are you going to wash or put some clothes on?"

"I don't know."

"Ok I'm going to go upstairs and get you something to put on." She was in super mom mode, getting clothes together, making sure insurance card was accesible and back up cars were available. Ding, Ding Ding, the first piece of her plan had arrived within an hour of her call. But I was the bump in her plan. I really couldn't move. I mustard up some energy to throw on the clothes she had put together, not wanting Antwan to help me. I was actually embarrassed, I didn't want him to see me like that. Since I was already standing I ran to the car in the garage since the doors were open and took a seat.

My mother pulled up to the emerengcy room, jumped out the car (yes she left it running) and returned seconds later with a wheelchair. "Can you make it to the chair or do you want us to carry you?" Wanting to hold on to some diginity, I bit my bottom lip and moved to the wheelchair. I didn't know it then but that was the last time I would move volunteerily and remember it for days. Antwan found a spot where I could remain in the wheelchair and sit next to him. I gave him my phone because I couldn't hold it. My mother was trying to registar me. The pain was becoming more unbearable, tears ran down my cheek. A nursing assistant (I think that's what she was) came over to check my pulse and blood pressure. Next thing I know I'm being rolled into the emeregency room, no formal registration, no explanation. I was thrown on the table, doctors are coming in and out and i have an oxygen mask. "My body hurts, nothings wrong with my breathing," I tried to remove the oxygen mask but it was forced on me by one of the nurses in the room. Then... I can't remember