Just a post

I've been thinking about what I want to do for a career and this has become difficult for me. For those that know me on a personal level, know me outside of my blogs and the occasional party, probably would say that I should go into teaching or some type of work that has me working with kids. From the outside looking in, they would be write. Despite my yells that I don't like kids, I genuinely do and like working with them, I just lack the patience to deal with them at times. I'm caring and a good listening, qualities that would make me a good teacher, but I'm not sure its for me. I tried teaching and I don't think I was a bad teacher, however, I knew it wasn't for me. My frustration with the lack of accountability got to me. Educators weren't accountable when they failed to probably educate our youth. I had several 8th grade students that were unfamiliar with their 5 times table. Parents aren't held accountable for helping to prepare their children. They make excuses for their children, allowing them to slack off and do less than the minimum in many cases. The students were allowed to continue on to the next grade without "making the grade" in their current studies. It was a fight to keep students back a grade even when it was clear that they hadn't mastered the lessons of their current grades. Hell, I had a student that only passed one of their major subject classes (we switched classes so I was not the only teacher this student had) and we had to get permission from the parent to hold the student back. I gave up. I hate quitting, but the system is not designed for success (in the case of our students) but to pamper their fragile egos. I'm not going to make this a long post about the education system and the flaws I believe that lies within it, but I know I can't go back to that.

After teaching I went into working in a group home. That was cool but definitely was in the wrong place. I did enjoy the work, gave a lot of myself and received little back from the kids that were in our care, but I felt like I was doing good work. I was doing good work I should say. For the most part group homes like the one I used to work at are located in South Jersey, so i would have to move down there. Working in a group home as a counselor would probably be the job that best suits me, however, I'm just not sure I want to move to Southern Jersey. I do know that physically I'm not ready to go into this field, but that will change soon. Working with adolescents I know I need to be ready to run or break up fights so right now most of you know that I shouldn't take on this job.

Enough about that, so I realized that I'm one of those people that really need to be in a relationship. Ok, let me re-state that or at least try to explain. I don't need it, but I do enjoy being in a relationship and sharing apart of myself with someone. Enjoy the companionship that you get with a relationship. Sure you can get companionship from friends and even share yourself with your friends, but its different. No, I'm not talking about a relationship based on sex or one that holds sex high, I'm talking about a relationship that is more like a friendship between two people. With that being said, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Oh well, life keeps moving.

Tar Heels are inn the Final Four....Life is great.

Sports and more

I'm upset, why can't I watch a complete north carolina game? Is it really their fault no one can keep up with them and they are busting everyone's ass? Yes, if you haven't noticed I'm a big sports fan and with the ncaa tournament in full force I'm loving it. I love the Tar Heels and they are running through everyone they have faced. I mean last night's game was the closest game they have played and they won by 21 points (ok they only played 3 games so far). The bad part is, once they are up by 12 points, the networks switch to another game. Ty Lawson is not the best guard in the country to me (I think D.J. Augustin of Texas is the best overall guard) but he might be the quickest guard I've seen since A.I. or Steve Nash. Let's go Tar Heels!!!

Baseball season is starting very shortly and once again my Atlanta Braves will find themselves as underdogs in the National League East Division. The Mets and Phillies are being scouted by most analyst to go 1, 2 in the division leaving my Braves to be number 3. The Braves are used to this and I hope that their pitching holds up this year so they can make a strong run at the division title and then the world championship. I know we gave up on Andruw Jones (people say we look a like, maybe we do, but I think he is cute.) because they couldn't afford his contract demands, but the braves still have a strong line up.

I can't wait for football season to start. My cowboys are trying to acquire pacman jones. Oh, he will make our defense solid, better, but can pacman spend more time on the field than in the police station and strip bars? Sure many "trouble" players have come to Dallas and have had great careers with Dallas (can any one say Deon Sanders and T.O.?). Let's see what happens.

I'm in a great place right now, sports are going great and I'm happy. I'm a sports junkie. I haven't slept very well during the night but who needs to sleep at night when you can do it during the day...lol. I'm still holding on to my no dating and no sex (go me). Yes I have given in to masturbation but thats only because wet dreams are so messy and cleaning takes up too much time. I'm off to dinner now so I will catch up with all of you later.

part 2

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your patience, guidance and forgiveness.

I’ve always known you were apart of my life waiting your turn to shine and show how much you were in control but I just needed time. When my father died and I broke down at the funeral, of course I said I didn’t know where those emotions came from, amazed at the tears that flowed from my eyes, but I knew you were there trying to help me through my tough time. When I was young I wasn’t always sure of your love, only recognized the pain. The pain was great and I wanted the hurt to disappear, unfortunately, you seemed to disappear with the pain. There was never a happy medium for us, either you were there completely or not at all. Without you trying to be a force in my life I was able to deal with death and rejection and focus on life. At least that’s what it seemed.

During my college years I did let you in but I did it in my own way. I kept you close when I went to work because you held a light that I never could hold. The children loved you, your kindness soothed them and they could sense that you were pure and genuinely cared for them. I would have never survived those hot days without you by my side with those kids, it was then I knew you completed me. You were never what I wanted but through time I realized you were what I needed for balance. But keeping you in my life full-time was too much at that time and I needed more time before I allowed you to stay.

But you were right, I did ignore you. Even recently I tried to ignore my feelings for Antwan, ignoring the lessons you tried to teach me. I pushed you away and tried to do things my way. The pain that was caused by my hard headedness was great, you normally forgave me with no repercussion which helped me continue on, but I guess you finally had enough. Your lesson was heard loud and clear, you left me completely twice and without knowing I destroyed a piece of you. Sure I have my battle scares and I may have lost Antwan forever, but now I’m doing things your way or at least I’m trying.

You are right, but I’m still a work in progress. I’m learning how to deal with life with emotions. I’m learning how to encompass caring and love in my every day life. I’m making mistakes, but you will be a bigger part of my life.

Learning,

part 1

Dear Writer,

You may not realize it but I have been around all your life, watching you grow into the man you are today. You tried to ignore me, abused me and most recently taken a piece of my very being, but I’m still with you.

When you were younger I don’t think you knew I was there while you cried alone in the closest, feeling like you were an outcast in your own family. The darkest space could not hide you from me even though you thought no one could see your pain. Think back to the night when your Grandfather died, you thought it was just strength that got you through that difficult time, and yes, you were strong for those around you, but I was there also. I held your brother when you were weak and couldn’t go on. I was your strength to go on and I don’t plan on leaving you now.

During your college years you knew I was there but just didn’t care. I watched silently as you pushed lovers and friends out of your life without a care in the world. Relationships for you back then were like scrap pieces of paper, great for a moment but once their use was complete they were thrown away and forgotten. I tried to make my presence known, let you know that I was the one that would keep you going, but you just turned your back on me and left me to watch you from a far.

Even now you try to fight me off and deny that we are one, but I’m still here. You try to deny me, but my presence has grown in your life. When you hurt, I cry, we are one. We even spoke about your love for Antwan and how it won’t die, but instead of listening to me, you try to solve things on your own. You bring in others hoping they will give you the answer you want, silence my advice, but you only hurt them and yourself. Will you ever listen to me? Take more time, I’m not going anywhere any time soon.

I love you and will always be apart of your world,

Not sure where I heard it from but someone said "life is what you make of it." I guess to a certain degree that's truth. Things have been ok lately. I've been sleeping during the day and awake all night, which I used to love, but I'm finding that there is little on television that is entertaining to me anymore and leaving out the house just isn't happening. I was driving for a couple of days but think I pushed the issue, because my shoulder has been hurting (right where I had one of my surgeries), so I have given up on driving. I've been secretly blogging a lot lately...let me explain. I'm back to typing my entries on my computer but I haven't used my computer to connect to the internet in like six months, hell maybe longer. So I have like 3 or 4 post I need to put up and share, this should be good. I'm not concerned about grammar, spelling or seperating thoughts for this post, just going to let it flow off the page (yes dee this is going to be a long ass paragraph). I've been watching the mens college basketball tournament heavy this year and there have been some great games so far (gotar heels). The NBA is wack. How is it the west is so much better than the East? I think the pistons and celtics and the top 6 teams in the west should play for the championship, the rest of the east doesn't deserve to play. I'm rambling on and on about like 10 things right now, is anyone keeping up with me? If I was blogging from a computer this would drive me crazy, but since I'm not...lets keep the party going. I know what I'm not doing for 28th or 30th birthday...no party for me and especially at elmo's. Greg's party was cool, definitely screamed greg, but not for me. This year I think I'm going to relax for my birthday. I want to plan for my 30th birthday now but realize I shouldn't since I'm sooooooooo fickle. I've been in better spirits lately even though it doesn't seem that way, still a realist, so when I say my life sucks its not me being down, just honest...lol. This is long as hell, o well. I haven't had a drink in like 5 months, I'm starting to think I'm due for one (that's one bottle...lmfao). I need to make some quick LEGAL money, any ideas? Lets end this because my next two post will be long (you will understand when I post them)

Brief Update

I'm back for a little update...

I received a text from my uncle asking me how to get to my blog. Ok I was stunned because I didn't remember telling him that I blogged but I didn't know what to do. He didn't know how I got down as I don't make a big production about my sexuality and reading my blog would definitely let the cat out the bag. I gave him the internet address and let him into my world. He wasn't turned completely off from what he read and like the other people that know about my personal life he didn't really care. My family has been great, they recognize that I'm the same person. My sexuality is my personal life and not really a secret but I don't go around telling people I'm gay, I do this and I do that, just as most people don't walk around telling everyone they meet they are straight.

This week hasn't been a good week for me. I haven't been sleeping well, chest has been hurting and blood pressure has been high, yeah back to week one being out of the hospital. Not sure what happened or what I'm doing different from last week but this has been a trying week for me. Hopefully next week will be better. Would it be too much to ask for no comments on this part of the post as everything that will be said will be a repeat and just annoying?

Just an update

It's been a few days since I posted but that's only because my computer has been down. Here is a real quick run down on what is new: my car is fixed and costed more than I accepted, I'm feeling stronger physially and I haven't lost any weight in two weeks (still didnt gain anything). Now that the update is out of the way I'm going to write and just see what comes out.

Hopefully withmy car being fixed I can gain some sort of normalcy in my life. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to drive or not but sometimes I just need time away from home and everyone else to clear my mind. Without that time I have been fragile lately and my true self has been exposed. I was watching Dexter the other day and couldn't believe how much I got him, life feels so empty to me at times. However, without a proper outlet I have been loosing it, haven't been able to control the core essence of my being and have shown signs of a person that I did not know. I've tried couseling, but that is really a joke and they can only see who you allow them to see, and in my case they only saw the person that everyone else saw. So, I got my car back and I'm abandoning the Jay that cared what other's thought, this will be fun.

I've decided that I'm going to forgo a romantic relationship this year as well as sex. Both will be tough and I will probably break the no relationship vow before the no sex, but this is something I plan on doing. It's not for the normal reasons: I need to find myself or get myself ready for the next guy that comes around, because I think I'm where I need to be in those respects and doubt if time is going to help that, but sometimes a break is needed. Sure a relatinship would be great, I miss having that special person to lay under, give all of me to, but I can't force the issue and I have to make sure I'm doing things for the right reasons. It sounds cold but a relationship for me now needs to be built on more than just love alone, I need stability also. I mean, I need to know that you have a benefit package that one day can include me (yes, I need for your job to offer benefits to life partners), need to know that in five or six years we are headed down the same track and that you can afford to treat yourself to dinner when we go out even if I'm paying. I'm looking for someone that gets me, someone that understands sometimes I need my space and don't need to be reminded of my short comings or health issues everyday, but also know when I need to know they care about those things. Sex, well, other tan masturbating because I don't like to clean up after a wet dream, hasn't been on my mind that much. I really think I can do without it so it doesn't appear to be an issue.

Ok, think that was enough, hopefully I will post something better and well put together this week, but I need to head home.