part 2
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your patience, guidance and forgiveness.
I’ve always known you were apart of my life waiting your turn to shine and show how much you were in control but I just needed time. When my father died and I broke down at the funeral, of course I said I didn’t know where those emotions came from, amazed at the tears that flowed from my eyes, but I knew you were there trying to help me through my tough time. When I was young I wasn’t always sure of your love, only recognized the pain. The pain was great and I wanted the hurt to disappear, unfortunately, you seemed to disappear with the pain. There was never a happy medium for us, either you were there completely or not at all. Without you trying to be a force in my life I was able to deal with death and rejection and focus on life. At least that’s what it seemed.
During my college years I did let you in but I did it in my own way. I kept you close when I went to work because you held a light that I never could hold. The children loved you, your kindness soothed them and they could sense that you were pure and genuinely cared for them. I would have never survived those hot days without you by my side with those kids, it was then I knew you completed me. You were never what I wanted but through time I realized you were what I needed for balance. But keeping you in my life full-time was too much at that time and I needed more time before I allowed you to stay.
But you were right, I did ignore you. Even recently I tried to ignore my feelings for Antwan, ignoring the lessons you tried to teach me. I pushed you away and tried to do things my way. The pain that was caused by my hard headedness was great, you normally forgave me with no repercussion which helped me continue on, but I guess you finally had enough. Your lesson was heard loud and clear, you left me completely twice and without knowing I destroyed a piece of you. Sure I have my battle scares and I may have lost Antwan forever, but now I’m doing things your way or at least I’m trying.
You are right, but I’m still a work in progress. I’m learning how to deal with life with emotions. I’m learning how to encompass caring and love in my every day life. I’m making mistakes, but you will be a bigger part of my life.
Learning,
Thank you for your patience, guidance and forgiveness.
I’ve always known you were apart of my life waiting your turn to shine and show how much you were in control but I just needed time. When my father died and I broke down at the funeral, of course I said I didn’t know where those emotions came from, amazed at the tears that flowed from my eyes, but I knew you were there trying to help me through my tough time. When I was young I wasn’t always sure of your love, only recognized the pain. The pain was great and I wanted the hurt to disappear, unfortunately, you seemed to disappear with the pain. There was never a happy medium for us, either you were there completely or not at all. Without you trying to be a force in my life I was able to deal with death and rejection and focus on life. At least that’s what it seemed.
During my college years I did let you in but I did it in my own way. I kept you close when I went to work because you held a light that I never could hold. The children loved you, your kindness soothed them and they could sense that you were pure and genuinely cared for them. I would have never survived those hot days without you by my side with those kids, it was then I knew you completed me. You were never what I wanted but through time I realized you were what I needed for balance. But keeping you in my life full-time was too much at that time and I needed more time before I allowed you to stay.
But you were right, I did ignore you. Even recently I tried to ignore my feelings for Antwan, ignoring the lessons you tried to teach me. I pushed you away and tried to do things my way. The pain that was caused by my hard headedness was great, you normally forgave me with no repercussion which helped me continue on, but I guess you finally had enough. Your lesson was heard loud and clear, you left me completely twice and without knowing I destroyed a piece of you. Sure I have my battle scares and I may have lost Antwan forever, but now I’m doing things your way or at least I’m trying.
You are right, but I’m still a work in progress. I’m learning how to deal with life with emotions. I’m learning how to encompass caring and love in my every day life. I’m making mistakes, but you will be a bigger part of my life.
Learning,
posted by Jay at
12:41 AM
6 Comments:
What a true life lesson and progression! Not much else I can say...
By
Ailed LittleKnight, at 8:03 AM
Hmmmm....I hope I understood this post correctly...You were going through issues with "self"..you over came things...Ummm you sought advice from outside sources and you had already had the answers. I guess this goes back to life is what you make it huh? Everyday is a lesson to help further our development as a person.
On a different note Jay ima need you to refrain from these types of post...my lil ol mind is hurting. you know i hate thinking lmao
By
Promiscuous X, at 9:58 AM
My mind is quite well X, Go get Brain Age and give ya mind a work out! Thats for coming for me on my blog!
Now to the Nitty Gritty, I see where you are coming from, I've been there too many times. At some point we all turn our backs on someone, especially the ONE that really counts. We all will be just fine, just you wait and see!
By
fuzzy, at 10:50 AM
*SIGH*... i got you boo.
By
Omar Ramon, at 11:50 AM
Wow...I just read part one and two back to back. All I can say is wow...damn...wow
By
Darius T. Williams, at 4:08 PM
The hardest thing a person can do is examine themselves. I'm still learning to do that every day, but that's what life is all about. Take each experience as a lesson learned to progress into an outstanding individual.
By
Jersey Brotha, at 8:27 PM
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