Just an update

It's been a few days since I posted but that's only because my computer has been down. Here is a real quick run down on what is new: my car is fixed and costed more than I accepted, I'm feeling stronger physially and I haven't lost any weight in two weeks (still didnt gain anything). Now that the update is out of the way I'm going to write and just see what comes out.

Hopefully withmy car being fixed I can gain some sort of normalcy in my life. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to drive or not but sometimes I just need time away from home and everyone else to clear my mind. Without that time I have been fragile lately and my true self has been exposed. I was watching Dexter the other day and couldn't believe how much I got him, life feels so empty to me at times. However, without a proper outlet I have been loosing it, haven't been able to control the core essence of my being and have shown signs of a person that I did not know. I've tried couseling, but that is really a joke and they can only see who you allow them to see, and in my case they only saw the person that everyone else saw. So, I got my car back and I'm abandoning the Jay that cared what other's thought, this will be fun.

I've decided that I'm going to forgo a romantic relationship this year as well as sex. Both will be tough and I will probably break the no relationship vow before the no sex, but this is something I plan on doing. It's not for the normal reasons: I need to find myself or get myself ready for the next guy that comes around, because I think I'm where I need to be in those respects and doubt if time is going to help that, but sometimes a break is needed. Sure a relatinship would be great, I miss having that special person to lay under, give all of me to, but I can't force the issue and I have to make sure I'm doing things for the right reasons. It sounds cold but a relationship for me now needs to be built on more than just love alone, I need stability also. I mean, I need to know that you have a benefit package that one day can include me (yes, I need for your job to offer benefits to life partners), need to know that in five or six years we are headed down the same track and that you can afford to treat yourself to dinner when we go out even if I'm paying. I'm looking for someone that gets me, someone that understands sometimes I need my space and don't need to be reminded of my short comings or health issues everyday, but also know when I need to know they care about those things. Sex, well, other tan masturbating because I don't like to clean up after a wet dream, hasn't been on my mind that much. I really think I can do without it so it doesn't appear to be an issue.

Ok, think that was enough, hopefully I will post something better and well put together this week, but I need to head home.