It time ladies and gentleman for "WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?" this will be a brief true story that will have you asking, are you serious?

While warming up my food for lunch I noticed one of our union reps name was crossed out. I didn't pay it too much attention, as tim (not his real name), is rarely at work. I assumed he was out too much sick or just gave up on the union.

Heading back to my desk I see two union reps. Hmm, I look at my coworker with a, what's going on, look. These are like the two head union reps for our department, one of which work in the other building. I only see these 2 together when someone gets fired so I knew something was up. My coworker ignored my glance and kept walking, so I did the same. Then I see the third union rep that make up the firing squad, whenever someone gets fired, all three are normally together. It tripped me out because she is actually on vacation. "Yo what's going on?" I had to ask. He got on the elevator and didn't say anything.

The doors closed and his mouth opened. "They probably here because of tim," before I could ask why he continued. "He got fired today." For a straight guy he gossips more than a little bit. "Get this, he downloaded porn from his home computer to his phone. He couldn't get it to work on his phone so he sent it to his email at work and downloaded it to his desktop. He was caught watching gay porn at his desk."

"His desktop? Please tell me you mean he bought his laptop in from home and not the job computer." I didn't want to believe tim was that dumb. As a union rep he has to know watching porn at your desk is a fireable offense as while as downloading non-job related things to your computer. I mean they fired one of the top managers without blinking an eye for his first offense.

"Yea the company computer." Dumbass.

Now I want to know what porn was so good it is worth losing your job for, because I have to get it! (Yes A I will get you your own copy and greg will be the first to download and make copies...lol). I mean most of us have done questionable things at work (shit I did one today, but what I do in the bathroom in the stall by myself is my business...lmao) but to do it out in the open, to do it where there is no question you will get caught is just stupid as hell.

restless at work

Ok I get to work about 7am everyday and today was no different. I do off line work in a call center (I handle email request instead of listening to the dumbass customers who think their problem is the biggest thing in the world). I have to rely on our gatekeeper (person who receives all the emails and request first) for work. She isn't here, all 3 managers in my department are out and the work that was supposed 2 last me all week was completed tuesday (o yea I was on vacation monday). So now I'm just sitting here playing on my phone. My coworkers told me to pretend like I'm doing work...what the fuck! Do nothing at all until I get off? Yea not me! I can't be at work and not work, shit is boring and I can do that shit at home (but they won't let me leave with pay). Ok let me go find something 2 do before I loose my mind.

I HATE LOVE

I was asked recently, "are you single?" My response came quickly and unexpected to both the person asking the question and myself. The answer came from the heart and not really anywhere else. "Yes, but my heart belongs to someone right now." I knew exactly who I meant when the words poured onto the computer screen. I was shocked and then hurt, because all that i have felt for that person rushed back.

I hate to admit it but i'm still in love with 'A.' I know he doesn't want a relationship, not sure when he is ready for a relationship if he wants one with me, but i do know that these feelings are holding me back from pursueing another relationship with someone else. I tried to distance myself from him and it worked,until we began speaking again. I thought I could handle a friendship with him, but i can't. i still have very strong feelings for him. I don't want to pursue him, i don't want tomakethe same mistake twice,but i fear I am already in too deep.

I love him and I'm on the verge of being love's fool. I'm honestly thinking about waiting on him toget his apartment (which will be the time he is ready for a relationship) and even waiting the additional 6 months with him before we have sexual contact (ladies and gentleman that means no sexual contact until like April 08). He helped me while i was stressing over an emotionless relationship, birthday planning and my ticket situation. He gives me the attention I want from him without giving me too much. I wish i could talk to him about this without making him feel like i'm trying to pressure him into a decision he isn't prepared to make.

I know i need to just walk away from the situation,but thats easier said than done. I love my lil selfish shortie, i do. I know i am not getting into another relationship with someone else anytime soon, because there will be no feeling toward that person. I can't go into too much because i vented to my computer (my offline journel) earlier and got must of it out, plus i don't want to say too much on the off chance 'A' reads this (he currently doesn't have internet access so i think i'm good).

Community Affair

It was a quiet Tuesday at work, nothing out of the ordinary going on. In a workaholic trance, I almost missed my very routine lunch with some co-workers. When I got downstairs to have lunch I found my co-workers in a serious question. “OK, this is different,” I thought to myself. Happy and looking forward to change I sat in my usual seat and listened in so I could join the conversation. I should have stayed my ass upstairs.

“We just have to accept that crime will happen and learn to adapt to it,” was I hearing this? With a very serious look on her face, my 22 year old, female Hispanic co-worker sat defending her position. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know if this was really a serious conversation or what they were talking about, so she continued. “What happened to those people in Newark was a tragedy but its Newark, it’s expected. Murder is going to happen there and there is nothing anyone can do.” WOW!!! I looked around the table and realized the other members of the lunchtime roundtable were in agreement with her. They shook their heads in agreement.

“And Booker is making things worse. This is his entire fault. Look at him, when he was running for mayor he said he was going to come down hard on the gangs and get rid of crime. Now the bloods said they will kill more people this year than last unless he is out of office,” my 26 year old African-American co-worker chimed in. As a resident of Newark, someone that grew up in the city, I should have been shocked by the words coming out of his mouth, but I wasn’t. When he speaks of his time in Newark, his connection with the city, he paints a destructive picture for the listeners of his tales. Stick up kids, stolen cars, drugs, gangs and enough money to buy a not guilty verdict. I know he is all talk, but the imaginary is enough to scare any non-resident away. By this point of the conversation I put my sandwich done in disgust, I was hot with rage. Is this the state of minority affairs (the table was made up of 2 Hispanics and 4 African-Americans), have we just given up on our community?

“It’s not Bookers fault, it’s the fault of people like you! People that will just accept that crime has to happen and there is nothing that can be done. People who blame someone that is willing to speak out against the violence and express a desire for action and not try to help in the process,” I was heated and I have a reputation at work that I’m going to say what I want, so I did. “People want Booker out of office but aren’t saying shit about the bloods who are actually doing the killings, simply say gangs are apart of life.”

“Murders weren’t like this when Sharp James was in office.”

“No, Sharp just ignored the problem as long as his pockets got fatter.”

“Booker is flashy. Always taking credit for Sharp’s accomplishments, cutting ribbons at building Sharp James put into motion to have created. Saying he is going to rid the community of crime but didn’t have a plan. But I bet you if this was a white person they would have had a suspect in hours,” why do we have to make everything a race issue?

“As mayor he has to be seen at the opening of a city building, it’s his job. And what do you think he is going to do, sit back, watch Newark continue to spiral out of control until the entire town is run by the criminals? Not finding a suspect is due to this bullshit ass street code of not snitching {a chorus of “yup yup, snitches will get stitches” was song by three members of the table}, we want the cops to help us but we don’t want to help them help us.” I wanted to continue the argument but lunch was over and I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with these people.

There was a book written in the late 60s early 70s by a sociologist named, Edward Banfield entitled The UnHeavenly City. In his book, he predicted that urban cities would begin to develop into a separate society within the larger society it belonged to. This sub-culture would have their own set of rules or laws and survival would be the only thing that mattered. Banfield believed that what was socially thought to be right and wrong would not apply to the members of this society, immediate gratification was key for these people. If they needed or wanted something, they got it then without consequence to future needs and if they didn’t have the money for these things, they simply got it by any means necessary. Poverty and a lack of respect for education helped to create this sub-culture, but a willingness to accept the conditions around themselves was the key to sustain this sub-culture and keep these people from climbing out of the “ghetto” in which they found themselves.

Let’s reflect on this for a minute: He believed that cities or small parts of cities would be filled with crime, violence, not because the people wanted to break the law, but simply because the laws of the society did not apply to them. Immediate gratification meant more than longtime investment. Robbery and hustling are more practicable means to support oneself than working a “legal” job, because legal jobs require you to wait for a paycheck. Sounds like Newark to anyone else?

What’s the remedy for our growing problem of violence in our community? We have to start raising the next generation to embrace, value education. We have to become examples for those younger than us. We can’t just preach change, try to beat right and wrong in their heads and go out and do us just because we are older. We have to be enraged at every act of violence, crime and injustice and stop accepting these acts as just a way of life. But, education is key. We have to educate our people on our history, on our struggles in this country, on the accomplishments we have made, the advancements he have helped to make. We have to teach our youngsters to value our people, our sisters, themselves. We have to teach our boys that a man is not someone that can fuck everything that is willing, but someone that is willing to wait for the one they love. To build our community we have to start with recreating what we see as acceptable, destroy the old notions of what is cool and what we consider to be a man, woman, hoe and a success.

FAST FORWARD

A lot has taken place in my life since my last post. I am not going to post an extremely long post to catch everyone up on the comings and goings of my life, but merely a fast pace version of the mess that is my life.

1. I got into an accident. I’m ok, my car has another battle wound. Was served 2 tickets, 1 for the accident (tailgating) and the other for a fake inspection ticket (could have sworn it was real). That accident has cost me $758 (the cost of the fines associated with the tickets) so far. Points, surcharges and rise in insurance to come.

2. I’m single again. After trying to convince myself that being with Barry was right, things would get better and maybe he was the one, I gave in to the reality that it wasn’t working. He is a good person and honestly I don’t think there is any blame to be dished out for this break up. There was no spark, no feeling, so instead of dragging it out I ended things.

3. I’m being sued for just under $500. A couple of years ago I went for a test and my insurance company was supposed to pick up the bill. They didn’t and the hospital wants their money. I keep getting the runaround from the insurance company so being impatient and a bit lazy, I’m just going to pay the bill myself.

4. I’ve been working 12 ½ hours at least 3 days a week for the past month. It would have been more than 3 days, but I had to take time for court for the tickets and I had a day or two off thrown in there. I should have extra spending money, but I don’t. I’m killing myself to pay off the fine and the suit.

5. All of this is going on while I try to plan for my birthday. A small group of friends and I are going out to eat the Saturday after my birthday. Finding a nice restaurant seemed to be so hard. In the end, the restaurant I first thought about is the one we are going to attend. It’s a nice place, a little on the pricey side, but its what I want.