Sabotage

Let me start by saying this, I’m almost 90% sure I suffer from depression. My feeling of loneliness, failure and hopelessness comes on out of nowhere. Sometimes there isn’t a day in between my episodes. It will probably take a year or two of therapy before someone diagnosis’ me, but moving along. I was in a bad place yesterday and I realized I looked for a way to make myself feel worse. I basically asked A were we officially a couple. I think I knew the answer before I asked, but hearing it divested me. Was this what I was looking for out of that question? I sat alone, cold (the central air was on high. I’m sick now) and down on myself. I drove around, thinking about current and past situations in my “love” life. Then, quicker than a yellow light turns red, it hit me, I sabotage all my relationships. The reason came to me quicker than the problem, LAMAR!!!!!

The story of Lamar and I is a long one, one that spans time, separation, lust, love and stupidity. Lamar and I first met in elementary school. We were not good friends in elementary school, no sleep overs or play dates, but we did have regular run ins with each other. He is a couple years older than I am so we didn’t share any classes, but his mother was one of the teachers I enjoyed visiting even though I never had her as teacher. After school I would see him when I stopped by to see his mother. She always joked that we acted like brothers. We would argue and play fight every time we saw each other. When he transferred to another school I was shocked and missed him a little. I always asked his mother how he was doing, but that’s as far as things went with us. I thought he was an attractive boy, but at that time in my life sex and sexual feelings did not exist.

Fast forward almost ten years, I’m in my first year of college, finally coming to terms with who I am and far removed from elementary school. During this time I made myself very comfortable with the internet, Blackplanet.com to be more specific. While on the computer one night I came across a picture of an attractive light skin boy that seemed familiar. I sent him a note and just starred at his photo. After a brief exchange of notes it hit me, it was Lamar. We talked for a few days, basically doing some catching up before we agreed to meet. We agreed to just be friends, which was cool with me and probably the best thing since he had a boyfriend who he was moving in with in a matter of weeks. He picked me up from school and we went to his mother’s house. It wasn’t long before we were making out and climaxing. I know what I did was wrong and I should have felt bad, but I didn’t. Like any cheating ass man, he said all the right things and like a good home wrecker, I played my part and made sure we didn’t get caught. When they finally broke up, I became number one. I made sure he didn’t want for anything. I became his financial crouch; I gave him money for gas, dinner and his other dates. I searched the newspaper for jobs in his field. Now I stated two things and didn’t explain, guess I should.

I was number one. He said he loved me and I would hold him as he slept at night. Each morning was welcomed with a kiss (morning breath and all). I didn’t mind doing for him because he was my everything during this time. I made sure he had gas in his car, money in his pocket and made sure he was able to eat (whether I was with him or not). He was my friend and lover, I was number one, but not the only one. His boyfriend couldn’t deal with Lamar’s cheating (he didn’t have proof) and I thought I could change his cheating ways (ok, at one point I thought I was the only one he was messing around with). But I was wrong. I would give him money so he could go meet an internet “friend.” This was one of his fuck buddies. He had others, who he dealt with while I was at work. I allowed him to use me, destroy my self-esteem, all in the name of love. I took it, pretended not to know, not to care. That all changed one summer evening, Lamar had been avoiding me for almost two weeks and it was a day before a planned trip to Great Adventure. I decided to walk to his house to find out if we were still going since no one had heard from him and he was the driver. During my 40 minute walk to his house it began to rain and I was happy when I saw his car in the driveway. The lights to his apartment were off, I could see the light from the television and hear his air conditioner was on, both were signs that he was home. I rang the bell. And I continued to ring until he came downstairs. Lamar’s face was pale with shock, his clothes were wrinkled and his grey cotton shorts showed his pre-cum stains. He told me he was busy and couldn’t talk right now. I asked him about the trip and he said he would call in the morning. It started to thunder and lighting. I realized he had company, but he wouldn’t let me walk home in those conditions, right? Wrong! He chose to stay with his friend upstairs. He had chosen others before me before, but this was ridiculous. I walked back home. The down pour of rain merged with my tears, it was over.

After my experience with Lamar, I promised myself I would not be a fool again and I wouldn’t allow cheating again. My next relationship ended when I started to see the same signs of cheating I had noticed when I was with Lamar. Like Lamar, Lamont began spending time with new (online) friends and avoiding me. Same pattern, so I assumed he was cheating also, especially when I found out he was staying at a “friends” house. That relationship had to end. Next was Eddie. He was going away to school, yea that wouldn’t work. Then Q. Along with other issues we were having, like Lamar and Lamont, he began hanging out with new (online) friends. So that relationship had to end. Looking back on it right now, I ruined my relationship with Lamont and Lamar. I pushed Lamont away because I didn’t trust him which led to all the little problems to be magnified. I probably did this to give both of us a way out of the relationship. The same can be true for Q. I’m allowing what Lamar did to sabotage future relationships. I’m getting rid of people before they have the opportunity to hurt me.

Now there is A, he wants to meet his (online) friends and it is doing nothing but bringing back old feelings and images. There is no feeling that compares to being hurt by someone you have given your all to and it’s a feeling I don’t want again. I realize A is not Lamar and probably won’t sleep around, but the thought is imprinted in my head. Not to mention I don’t trust “online” friends. I’ve done the Blackplanet, Adam4Adam, Migente and Collegeclub, let’s be friends. Each “meeting” normally ended with me receiving head and little to no connect with that person afterward. Honestly I think 1 out of every 1000 people on those sites is actually looking for friends. The rest are looking for fuck buddies and love.

So, if I want this to work with A or anyone else for that matter (hope A is it, but I can’t predict the future, no matter how hard I try) I have to learn to let go of these demons. It will take trust, reassurance and someone that is willing to work and grow with me (yea I don’t want anyone that has it all together, no way we can grow together).

Side Bar #1

Happy Birthday Dad
I miss you more than I thought I would
7/18/53 – 3/20/06

Side Bar #2

I want to grow with you and I hope you see I was serious about fighting to make this work and I’m not going anywhere. I l _ _e you and going to do what I have to do to make this work

question

I know I haven't posted in a minute but life has been a little hectic. I started a new job and training is killing me. The highlight of training is getting the opportunity to do assignments that are long and boring. But they keep my attention and most importantly, they keep me awake. We have two maroons in the class. I guess its really their age that is showing but they ask some dumb ass questions that hold up the class. I can't wait until we actually get to work, maybe then I will enjoy this job. They have a department that deals solely on emails and processing large requests, thats where I would like to be, but that is going to require me to be on my game. I"m up for the challenge, I hope.

My personal life is still an organized mess. A and I are probably still at the same place and I think its draining me. I like him and I don't care what anyone says, i'm not being stupid to stick around. I like him and i'm not sure if what i'm going to say is sad or a good thing, but he has actually treated me better than any of my exs. I mean on one hand i can count how many times all my other exs have paid for dinner or a movie (not both, that number is zero) and in the past two months, A has beat all of them out combined. I've been real good, avoiding questionable situations and avoiding people that i know that will get me into trouble, but sometimes I think this is a waste. I mean he doesn't want a relationship, he told me as such, but i do...anyone else see the problem. i knew what it was but it seems like he wants more, but scared. I don't know. Then he does things that a single person would do (thought we were more than we are, but found out the truth today. always good to ask questions) that confused me (i guess it really doesn't now since i know my place) and hurt me. i'm not going to go into it, just know that i did overreact just a little, but in that situation, anyone would understand if I acted worst than I did. I guess my problem is i've been looking for a good man to share my life with for so long, have struck out so many times that now that i have found someone i don't want to let go. i mean he is not perfect, but that adds to his appeal. so how long is too long to put ur life on hold? I mean there isn't much i wouldn't do for him and i want to be the one that makes him happy, but am i being selfish? should i just let go? let me know what u think. for those of you who don't have ur own blog account and are reading this email my phone, jdavis07006@tmail.com

short

This is going to be a short post (hopefully), not much to share, just wanted to remove the previous post from my view.

Yesterday i chilled with Shawnqt, fuzzy and O in the city. We met up with a few of their friends for dinner. Things were pretty good as far as I am concerned. I mean what could be better, I was chillin wit some friends and some hot guys. The night went well, food was ok and dinner was filled with laughs. Overall a good time, even though i had to walk (i'm lazy i know).

Amore thoughtful post may come soon, but right now i need to go do some reading.

Weekend Getaway

I sit here, day one of our get away, a couple of hours after he explored my body for the first time in almost a month and I’m left with his words that were said over and over. Words that were never really stated for the purpose that is ringing in my head right now, but nonetheless, words that are screaming out in his voice in my head right now. “I Get It.” And as he lay in a bed that is foreign to me, “I Get It.” I get that WE will probably never exist. I get that despite all the denial, we are nothing more than friends with benefits.

We had just returned from dinner and a movie, things appeared to be fine. I had surprised him with a room in a nice hotel (the Sheraton in Parsippany, New Jersey) to get him away from his reality at home. I can honestly sit here and type that sex was not a motivating factor in me planning this trip, however, since it had been like a month since I’ve felt the touch of another human being in a sexual manner, it did cross my mind. After I took a nice warm shower, he took his shower. During his shower, I lit some candles that were placed in front of the window and played the play list I had created on my computer for this night. The play list contained all love songs and two of his favorite songs were filtered in there more than once. When he came out the shower the mood was set and I was finishing glass number 3 (I had what I best can describe as a wine cooler in a nice bottle and some vodka). The mood was set for a sex session, but I would have been happy with going to bed. In retrospect, if we both had retired to our separate beds I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. We lay across the bed and we both just listened to the music that filled the room, we enjoyed the soft music in separate beds. Just as his favorite song came on, he jumped in the bed with me. I missed the feel of his body and his aggression when he wanted to have sex with me. He kissed and licked my body with a passion that was unfamiliar to me, at least from him. During four-play, we kissed, something we hadn’t done in months, something I had learned to live without while dealing with him. But this isn’t about our sexual escapades. He slid in me, not with ease, but he was there. Did he realize I hadn’t had intercourse in almost a month and my “exit” hole was now tight again? Or did he just not care? After awhile I managed to adjust my body to the invading forces and actually, per his request, ventured on top of him. Side bar: if you know me you know my least favorite position is riding. I think this is a tops way of making his way easier. Why should the bottom have to take the dick and do all the work? I don’t think I’m good at riding and will never profess to be an expert at it, but I tried for him. He slid in and out of me as I glided up and down, slightly twisting my hips from time to time. Was I doing it right? The hell if I know. It felt good and had he not asked me to bust on his chest, I probably would have done it a lot sooner. After his request, I lost all sensation in my dick. I could feel that I was going to bust, but the feeling of enjoyment was gone. After I was done and my hole had tightened, he wasn’t. He wanted to continue to pound inside of me. I tried to take it, but it wasn’t happening last night. At this point I think I lost him!

I wiped off, he showered. I was in the bed when he finished his shower. I stayed in the bed we had just shared and hoped he would share it with me, but on this night, I slept alone. He got under the covers of the other bed. With no words, the biggest statement was made. We were not lovers, we were not dating, we are merely friends. I had convinced myself that our arrangement was something we both wanted, a compromise of our needs, but did I just fool myself? Did I actually just ignore all of the signs that were right in front of me? I Get It, sex was my only barging chip and given in to my own needs, I had given it up too early and too often. Could/would he ever want to date me? What would be the point in his mind? I had given him all of me. I had given up my sense of self, gave up on my personal feelings and dealt only with his. Now I’m sitting here dreading the next day and half we are supposed to share together. My plan was to wake up early, go to breakfast, take my laptop with me and just find a spot in the hotel to hide for the rest of the day. Give him my car keys and let him do him. Return later tonight, shower and go to bed. But I won’t.

Before I met ‘A’ I wondered if I was only good for sex. Could a relationship actually work out for me? Wondered if there was actually someone out there that wanted to be loved by me, someone who would complete me? Yes a relationship should be 50/50, but I would be ok with putting out 75 and only receiving 25. Its not settling for me, it’s just who I am. I don’t want or need much, just want someone that will allow me to be their support. Allow me to make them believe in love again. As I sit here and type, I am not sure I really believe in love anymore. At least not for me.

Day one ends with us in separate beds and me typing on my laptop at 6am. Hopefully, day two goes a little better, I think as I go back to bed. Hopefully a positive sign will be thrown my way and love once again becomes an option for me.

Saturday, the second day of our weekend getaway, just two hours after I wrote the beginning of this blog, the phone rang loudly waking me from my much needed rest. It was my first surprise of the day. I had called the day before to see if I could schedule massages for ‘A’ and I. Before I left Friday afternoon to pick up ‘A’ I hadn’t heard from the fitness center, but 8:30am I got the call. They had 2 appointments, one at 10:15am and another at 11am. Since I was still upset with ‘A’ and using my comforter to block him from seeing me, I told him he had a 10:15am appointment and went back to sleep. I figured I would give him the early appointment because I knew he would want to sleep longer, evil I know. He called out to me and wanted me to repeat what I had stated, but I wasn’t in the mood for him at this point. I claimed he sensed something was wrong with me and kept asking me what was wrong. When I would eventually answer, I just stated nothing. He said he thought he knew what was wrong but he didn’t want to guess, so being the nice guy that I am, I told him to guess. He actually knew. Then he did something that took me for surprise, he got in the bed with me. “Guess he really does know what was bugging me,” I thought as he got under the covers. The only thing that came out of my mouth was, “what are you doing?” I wasn’t facing him at this point, I was still trying to hold on to my attitude and didn’t want to fall into any emotional traps. Surprised, he asked if I wanted him in the bed with me, after I said no, he got back in his bed. He told me that he thought I was upset because he didn’t sleep in the same bed with me last night and something else (that will stay between the two of us). His show of compassion and the fact he seemed intoned to my feelings, got me. Damn I’m really a softie. As we talked, I had forgotten the words I had just typed hours ago. I had forgotten the pledge I made to myself that I would have a serious conversation about the state of our relationship and if we weren’t together, weren’t in a committed relationship, it would be over. Those thoughts were gone and I remembered why I was so in love with him.

I ended up going to the massage therapist first and all I can say is, WOW. Her hands made love to my body. Hitting spots I didn’t know existed. I didn’t want her to stop, but my half hour was over and it was time for ‘A’ to get his body touched. That was the best investment I made to date. All my worries had been rubbed out of my body. I returned, straightened up the room and waited for ‘A.’ He had come up with the idea to order room service instead of going to the free buffet. For an order of Buffalo wings, chicken fingers, French fries (which came with the chicken fingers) and a 10’ pizza came up to $60. That won’t happen again. We fell asleep facing each other from our separate beds. We layed around and slept for most of the day. It was great. When the curtains were finally drawn back the sun was setting, wow, it had been a beautiful day. We didn’t make it back out of the room until 9:30pm . We went to dinner and a movie (saw Superman Returns. That shit was too long just to find out that Superman is a dead beat dad). The entire day was great. I remembered why this arrangement hadn’t bothered me. ‘A’ was like a friend, someone that I enjoyed being around, even if we did nothing at all, but at the same time, he was more than just a friend. We had the best sex we had ever shared together (at least that was the case for me). For a man that stated he never tossed salad before dealing with me, he literally made my toes curl today. And when he jumped in bed with me at the end of the night and we fell asleep in the same bed, it was the perfect ending to a great day.

The second day of our great getaway was the best day. It was a full day of us making each other happy. It was a full day of compromise and relaxation. The second day of our great getaway was the day I fell in love with ‘A’ again.

weekend post coming soon

Took a weekend get away with 'A,' and I will update everyone soon on all that happened. but in the meantime here is a little something i wrote last wednesday, my last day at work.

Yesterday was my final day working for Children’s Aid and Family Services and to be honest with you, it felt like what I imagine being released from a long prison sentence must feel like. As I backed out of the driveway and made my way up the long hill on my way to the parkway, I felt relieved. A burden seemed to be lifted off of me. For the first time, I did not look in my rear view window as I made it up the steep hill. There was no need to look back, only forward.

I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t feel something when I left. I had gotten sick Tuesday evening and didn’t sleep at all Tuesday night (I stayed over at the job). I sat early Wednesday morning at the wooden dining room table of the job and wrote in my journal about my feelings. Before that moment I didn’t think I would miss any of the boys I worked with, thought I wouldn’t miss any part of Children’s Haven. Despite my feelings of worthlessness, feelings of no longer being a help to the boys I worked with, I realized I was making a difference. My mind took me back to the emotional farewell dinner we had. The tears that flowed from the eyes of some of the boys made me realize I was still reaching them. When I got to work on Monday, a 14 year old boy, a real challenge for us, ran up to me and hugged me. He held me so tight I couldn’t break free. His last words for me was, “I’m going to miss you and you better visit.” He hurried out of the van and went into Newark Penn Station so he could go on a home visit before he broke down in tears again. I had made a difference at this job. But it wasn’t because of the boys why I needed to leave.

Wednesday, my final day on the job, I was reminded why I was leaving. I went to the main office to drop off some papers for my supervisor to the Director and her coldness could have frozen a polar bear. No mentions of my departure, no good lucks or good-byes were offered until I said something. A co-worker I had been friendly with in the past walked past me with an attitude. She still was mad over a letter I wrote detailing her inadequate work (ok, I understand why she could be upset, but damn woman do your job). The politics of the job had beaten me down. The childish bullshit and catty chatter became a bore. But worst of all, the people in the office didn’t seem to understand nor care about the residents of the staff that worked directly with the boys. But don’t worry, I didn’t leave without starting some shit. I wrote a detailed letter to the President of the agency explaining why I was really leaving the agency and how those in the office greatly contributed to my exit.

I left knowing that I had made a difference and I would probably not be back. And I’m happy with that.