SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Most people have heard the expression, “money is the root of all evil.” This may be true but I have found the game that is pure evil, made of the devil and does to the mind what no amount of alcohol can achieve. Seven Deadly Sins is that game and never have I come up against any object or substance that consumes me in a way that I am no longer worried about the consequences of my actions.

The first time I played the game I was less than impressed. The game seemed like a cheesy trivia game and all of the players weren’t really into trying all the SIN cards. Wait, let me rewind and explain the game a little. There are two set of cards. The first set of cards is the trivia questions. Answering these questions correctly allow the players to roll again and continue their turn. The more exciting cards and the key to victory are the Sin cards. The goal of the game is to earn all 7 tokens (one for each sin), to earn a token a player must land on a Sin icon on the board and perform a task that corresponds to that sin from the Sin card they draw. This is where the game gets very interesting and where control is lost. One sin card requires a player to kiss all the other players anywhere on their body they choose. Can you imagine the possibilities?

I will not go into details on what exactly has happened during one of these games, but think about it. You are in a room with a bunch of attractive people, knowledge is being shared through conversations, intellect is being challenged with each trivia question, and then a sin card request that the most attractive person in the room has to French kiss everyone in the room and this is not the worst of the sin cards. Add some drinks and you do the math. I’ve decided I’m not playing again unless I have a date, a hotel room and my overnight bag (I’ll explain what’s in that bag later…lol).

Change and an unforunate truth

My world is changing again. I hate to admit that my life is going through another transition period because I ultimately have to admit to myself that I’m getting older. But the reality of my situation is right in front of me. Things that I used to enjoy doing have lost their interest. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through a transition, probably won’t be the last, but I’m trying to fight it. I’m not afraid of change, but afraid of lost.

When I was in high school I enjoyed being alone. I was ok with the fact that I didn’t have any friends. Television, books, writing, toys and my imagination were my friends. I used to watch cartoons when I got home from school, then the news, dateline, wheel of fortune, jeopardy and then some random sitcom. This was fine with me, during this time I wrote poetry and short stories, the need for human contact was not needed because my day was full. Senior year, in an effort to learn how to be social, I latched on to a small group and begun to chill with them. We would play video games, go bowling and to dinners. It was cool, this was my first taste of what it was to be apart of a group, this is when I learned how interact with others. From this point on I have had this need to fit in, interact with othersL.

Next transition was sex. Believe it or not, other than a few wet dreams I had never had any type of sexual experience until college. Well, that all changed my freshmen year of college. I really found my sexual self. I was hooking up several times a week and masturbating at least twice a day for most of the four years I was in college. During my sophomore and junior year I was masturbating three to four times a day and more if I didn’t have a sex partner. I really didn’t care who gave me head, didn’t care if they were in a relationship, didn’t care if I knew the person they were dating and I wasn’t in the business of blowing anyone’s spot up. But that was then, now I’m more conscious of who I’m with, try to avoid the none-single people and getting up three times in one day has become a bit of a challenge (now that I wished I kept. I liked the fact I could bust twice from head and masturbate all in one sex session.).

Now, a change is coming that I’m not looking forward to at all. Sexually I know I keep going through changes. One minute I want to be a top, next I want to be a bottom, but things I used to like sexually bore me. Mentally I’m not ready for this change. I used to love to perform in front of people, I used to love to watch people perform, used to enjoy giving head (and I was told I was good at it), but now, none of these things interest me. Writing this I realize why it means nothing to me but this sudden change is unwanted, it does not fit the image I have created. Actually reading this while I type I realize sex is becoming less interesting to me because I don’t have someone to enjoy it with. Making love and pleasing a mate is the greatest pleasure anyway.

My hesitation toward change is not about sex that is simply the superficial concern. My problem with change is I almost always lose a friend or two. I don’t lose them to a big argument, a slip of the tongue but change brings distance from people. I tend to move away from those who knew me when I was different. Like a snake sheds its skin when it matures and just leaves it behind, I do the same with my friends. I like the people that are around me, but I fear that I may lose them once I complete this phase and discover who I am now. With maturity, change has to be present, I realize that, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. (Ok, so I am scared of change. I am mentally ready for it, I’m just afraid of the unknown. Thanks for your help…lol)

my friend

I never thought I would miss someone as much as I miss my ex best friend. I think about picking up the phone at least three times a week to call him, just to hear his voice. I just want to know that he is alright. The simple answer or comment that will be given is to reach out to him and just call, if life was only that simple. Or is it?

For those of you reading my blog for the first time or who have joined us after the friendship break up of Lamar and I, let me recap. I felt our friendship was based solely on the emotional needs of Lamar and since his move to D.C. I felt a strong disconnect between us. Instead of continuing to be his emotional slave, I freed myself. Now I’m hurting and longing for my friend. I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with him, that he has traveled down a rode of destruction and no one is there for him to put his shoulder on. In some respect I know I need him also. Need someone there that has been there through some of my darker moments.

Just call! I removed his email address and phone number from my phone. In an attempt to stay strong in situations just like this I removed his contact information so I could not run back to him. Not sure if that was the right idea now, but at the time it was needed. I realize if I go digging around my room I will find an old phone bill or old phone with his number on it, but I’m trying to be strong. But that’s not going to last long.

I think I’m going on a treasure hunt. I miss my friend. L

BATHROOMS

I’m a 26year old male and I still have not gotten used to the conditions of public restrooms. I used to try to convince myself that the horrid conditions were caused by a bunch of disgusting little kids who missed the toilet, forgot to flush or just up to no good, now I know the truth. The conditions in our bathrooms are caused by disgusting adults. Are we as men, that disgusting?

At work last week, two separate incidents really turned me off and forced me to take a closer look at not only my male co-workers but men in general. I walked in the bathroom on the fourth floor, the floor in which I work, as soon as I walked in the bathroom I was struck with a stench that almost knocked me down. At first I thought the cleaning people had come early and had an Ammonia party, but as I got closer to the urinal I realized that the smell was urine. Instincts told me to look down and there it was the floor was shinning with urine. The coating of urine created a shine on the floor as if someone had just mopped it, but the smell was anything but pine fresh. How does a grown man miss the urinal? The area in which we have to piss in is greater than the hole of the normal toilet. Not wanting to smell like piss all day, I decided to go into one of the stalls hoping to find a cleaner experience. Barely, someone forgot to flush and dispose of the tissue they used. After handling my business (I only have to pee) I flushed the toilet, which I do every time I leave the bathroom, washed and dried my hands and went about my business.

Later that same day I really had to use the bathroom and this could not wait until I got home. Even though I’m not the cleanest person in the world and definitely not a germ phobic, but it took along time before I would sit on anybodies toilet. It wasn’t until a whole week into living on campus in college before I could sit down on a toilet. And even then I washed the toilet with Clorox cleaner, bleach and three seat covers before I would sit down. On the third floor where the “suits” work, the bathroom is normally very clean. I mean it normally looks like no one has used the bathroom at all. This is where I go to handle my business. On this day I could tell someone had used it. “The animals from upstairs must have gotten free and ventured down here,” I thought as I looked at two stalls full of urine and my favorite stall was full of urine, feces, toilet tissue and seat covers. The sight of this nasty display of adulthood made me sick to my stomach. I thought for a second, “Can I hold this until I get home?” my stomach quickly answered that question and I quickly searched for the cleanest toilet available. Once again I flushed behind myself.

Is this how we treat and value others things? Do we piss on the feelings and innocent of others and expect the next person to either clean the mess up and flush our shit or reap the consequences, the smell of our actions? To find the answer to this question I only had to look within myself and the way I treat the nameless men that have been in my life. I’ve been with other people’s boyfriends and cared nothing more than my nut. I bust quickly, don’t kiss, don’t lick and no sucking, I just slide in and go. I’m not even concerned if my performance is good or not, I’m only concerned with my happy ending. Never am I concerned with the other person, good byes are not important and call backs are rarely had. I do it because these people are not my lovers and have not become my friends yet. Their feelings mean very little to me, because they are adults and know what their purpose is. I shit on these people and wait for the next man to deal with my mess. If they are lucky they can just flush my mess away and build on a new relationship. Unfortunately, most people are not lucky and have to deal with the shit that someone has left behind. Have to either deal with the smell or clean behind the next man.

It’s not clear if this barbaric mentality is something that we learn or born with, but I guess that debate can be argued as long as the argument of homosexuality being a product of nature or nurture. We can change, but it will definitely take a conscious effort. I can change, but it will take time and growth on my part.