Change and an unforunate truth
My world is changing again. I hate to admit that my life is going through another transition period because I ultimately have to admit to myself that I’m getting older. But the reality of my situation is right in front of me. Things that I used to enjoy doing have lost their interest. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through a transition, probably won’t be the last, but I’m trying to fight it. I’m not afraid of change, but afraid of lost.
When I was in high school I enjoyed being alone. I was ok with the fact that I didn’t have any friends. Television, books, writing, toys and my imagination were my friends. I used to watch cartoons when I got home from school, then the news, dateline, wheel of fortune, jeopardy and then some random sitcom. This was fine with me, during this time I wrote poetry and short stories, the need for human contact was not needed because my day was full. Senior year, in an effort to learn how to be social, I latched on to a small group and begun to chill with them. We would play video games, go bowling and to dinners. It was cool, this was my first taste of what it was to be apart of a group, this is when I learned how interact with others. From this point on I have had this need to fit in, interact with othersL.
Next transition was sex. Believe it or not, other than a few wet dreams I had never had any type of sexual experience until college. Well, that all changed my freshmen year of college. I really found my sexual self. I was hooking up several times a week and masturbating at least twice a day for most of the four years I was in college. During my sophomore and junior year I was masturbating three to four times a day and more if I didn’t have a sex partner. I really didn’t care who gave me head, didn’t care if they were in a relationship, didn’t care if I knew the person they were dating and I wasn’t in the business of blowing anyone’s spot up. But that was then, now I’m more conscious of who I’m with, try to avoid the none-single people and getting up three times in one day has become a bit of a challenge (now that I wished I kept. I liked the fact I could bust twice from head and masturbate all in one sex session.).
Now, a change is coming that I’m not looking forward to at all. Sexually I know I keep going through changes. One minute I want to be a top, next I want to be a bottom, but things I used to like sexually bore me. Mentally I’m not ready for this change. I used to love to perform in front of people, I used to love to watch people perform, used to enjoy giving head (and I was told I was good at it), but now, none of these things interest me. Writing this I realize why it means nothing to me but this sudden change is unwanted, it does not fit the image I have created. Actually reading this while I type I realize sex is becoming less interesting to me because I don’t have someone to enjoy it with. Making love and pleasing a mate is the greatest pleasure anyway.
My hesitation toward change is not about sex that is simply the superficial concern. My problem with change is I almost always lose a friend or two. I don’t lose them to a big argument, a slip of the tongue but change brings distance from people. I tend to move away from those who knew me when I was different. Like a snake sheds its skin when it matures and just leaves it behind, I do the same with my friends. I like the people that are around me, but I fear that I may lose them once I complete this phase and discover who I am now. With maturity, change has to be present, I realize that, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. (Ok, so I am scared of change. I am mentally ready for it, I’m just afraid of the unknown. Thanks for your help…lol)
When I was in high school I enjoyed being alone. I was ok with the fact that I didn’t have any friends. Television, books, writing, toys and my imagination were my friends. I used to watch cartoons when I got home from school, then the news, dateline, wheel of fortune, jeopardy and then some random sitcom. This was fine with me, during this time I wrote poetry and short stories, the need for human contact was not needed because my day was full. Senior year, in an effort to learn how to be social, I latched on to a small group and begun to chill with them. We would play video games, go bowling and to dinners. It was cool, this was my first taste of what it was to be apart of a group, this is when I learned how interact with others. From this point on I have had this need to fit in, interact with othersL.
Next transition was sex. Believe it or not, other than a few wet dreams I had never had any type of sexual experience until college. Well, that all changed my freshmen year of college. I really found my sexual self. I was hooking up several times a week and masturbating at least twice a day for most of the four years I was in college. During my sophomore and junior year I was masturbating three to four times a day and more if I didn’t have a sex partner. I really didn’t care who gave me head, didn’t care if they were in a relationship, didn’t care if I knew the person they were dating and I wasn’t in the business of blowing anyone’s spot up. But that was then, now I’m more conscious of who I’m with, try to avoid the none-single people and getting up three times in one day has become a bit of a challenge (now that I wished I kept. I liked the fact I could bust twice from head and masturbate all in one sex session.).
Now, a change is coming that I’m not looking forward to at all. Sexually I know I keep going through changes. One minute I want to be a top, next I want to be a bottom, but things I used to like sexually bore me. Mentally I’m not ready for this change. I used to love to perform in front of people, I used to love to watch people perform, used to enjoy giving head (and I was told I was good at it), but now, none of these things interest me. Writing this I realize why it means nothing to me but this sudden change is unwanted, it does not fit the image I have created. Actually reading this while I type I realize sex is becoming less interesting to me because I don’t have someone to enjoy it with. Making love and pleasing a mate is the greatest pleasure anyway.
My hesitation toward change is not about sex that is simply the superficial concern. My problem with change is I almost always lose a friend or two. I don’t lose them to a big argument, a slip of the tongue but change brings distance from people. I tend to move away from those who knew me when I was different. Like a snake sheds its skin when it matures and just leaves it behind, I do the same with my friends. I like the people that are around me, but I fear that I may lose them once I complete this phase and discover who I am now. With maturity, change has to be present, I realize that, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. (Ok, so I am scared of change. I am mentally ready for it, I’m just afraid of the unknown. Thanks for your help…lol)
posted by Jay at
9:14 AM
2 Comments:
I'm glad you wrote this, because your stating things that other people feel, or may be to scared to realize.
It is important to express your personal changes in a relationship or with your friends.
Everyone will go through this, and its ok to leave some people behind if you feel it will best help you, but what is amazing is if you find a group of friends you can grow with... and of course this is the same for a mate as well.
Sometimes rekindling frienships will give u great joy as well.
By
ShawnQt, at 8:24 AM
(Once again I am late)
Change is important. A good support system during change is even more important. The past 2 years of my life have been wrought with change. I am on a path set forth by actually accepting and being a buddhist as a way of life (not religion). I have learned a lot about myself and have made some fantastic changes.
Now it is true, the commrades in this chapter of your novel may not be in the next chapter. Such is the way of life. If you notice the important characters, unlike the superficial ones, show up in every chapter. Thats the support system. I have one, I am sure Shawnqt has one and if you think about it... you have one too.
I am lucky my husband has been very patient with me. He is older and has already gone through the "Damn I am almost 30 and I still don't know who I am." phase. Who am I kidding he is still in it. :P But the person I am becoming is someone he willing to bend for and accept. He has gone through his changes too and I in turn had to bend.
I guess in my own long winded fashion I am saying, don't fear the unknown. Fear locks us into a loop that doesn't end. Instead realize those around you that bend and recognize those around you that don't. Those that bend will always be there. Those that don't bend are the ones you leave behind. Understanding that they don't bend will make it less of a system shock when you must leave them in their chapter and move on to the next.
Just my $2.50!
By
Daemian, at 7:44 AM
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