2006

As I embark on a new year, I will take one final look at 2006. Recap the events that have filled my year and that have helped in my continual growth. I will try to keep this under two typed pages, but will not make any promises. If you are looking for the word, resolution, on this page, you just saw it, I don’t make those.

2006 found me in another dead in relationship. For most of 2006 I found myself spending most of my time with ‘A.’ For eight months we shared most of our free time together, enjoyed each other can in just about every way you can imagine. I thought things were going well between the two of us, but it wasn’t. Things ended abruptly between us one Sunday afternoon. I was left a little confused, definitely hurt and once again I found myself questioning what was wrong with me? But I have moved on. Learned and grew from the experience. Realized that I can not be blinded by what I believe is love and see everyone and situation with the eyes of an observer. Even though I do not hate ‘A’ or hold bad feelings toward him, I can not say that we are friends. Can’t even say we will ever be friends but we have had several civil interactions.

March 20, 2006, Gerald L. Davis III left his physical body here on this earth as he traveled to the other side of the bright light. I will not going into my feeling in depth because I have posted about this event before. This may sound a little off, a little heartless, but on that day my prayers were answered. I had prayed for a few years for my father to come to terms with his illness. His resentment, anger and frustration I felt were caused not by the pain he was feeling from his illness but the control he had lost. He was a proud man, didn’t want anything from anyone, wanted to do for himself, his illness took that away from him. When I would pray for him, I prayed for peace and acceptance. His last day on this earth was filled with both. While at dialysis, he asked one of the employees to turn off his monitor, recline his chair because he wanted to rest. They stated he said he was just tired and wanted to rest and rest he did. He closed his eyes and his vitals dropped to zero. He went peaceful.

It was during my father’s funeral I discovered what real friends are. I can be very withdrawn and strong willed at times and in the midst of crisis I’m the worst. It was during this time I found my real friends. I let everyone know that my father had passed, but I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy and honestly, I didn’t want to see them at the funeral (funeral and wake were held the same day). I didn’t expect anyone to show and I was ok with that. But seven showed up. They didn’t say much to me, they were just there. That was the most comfort I felt during the entire week. I wanted to be mad because I told them not to show up, but it was needed. So I take this time to thank them. Thank you, Mike, Greg, Tony, Keith, Calvin, Michelle and Brian.

Calvin. Now some of you who read my post know that Calvin and I had a falling out. I basically overreacted to a situation that had little to do with me. I’m not going to go into the details, but I do feel like I need to clear up a misconception. I do not have a problem with Calvin. I do not dislike him. I just didn’t like the situation and how I perceived how my best friend was being treated. It seemed like everyone believed that I had this major problem with him, thought I hated him and could not be around him, that was/is not the case. I’m not sure how he feels about me, but on my side I thought it needed to be said.

I haven’t seen or talked to Mike much in recent weeks. Since he has been dating his current boyfriend, he has had less time for me. Some would be bitter, resentful and just plain hate on their friend, especially if said friend is single like me, but I couldn’t be happier right now. Mike is happy and that is all that really matters. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own happiness or grief that we forget to be happy for our friends. I’m truly happy for Mike, even while I miss having him there when I want him. I’m glad Mike doesn’t have time for me, because that means that D is really making him happy.

Single. I am still single and not rushing into anything. I want to say that I’m not bitter, want to say I’m bitter, but I can’t say either. I have mixed emotions when it comes to my relationship status. As much as I want to be with someone, want to have someone love me, I’m not pressed for it. It isn’t a need, which in the past I thought it was. If a relationship comes it comes. I had taken a break from sexual contact but not sure if I’m really waiting for a relationship for my next encounter. If it happens that I hold out until my next relationship, great, if not, I will not think less of myself.

2006 is gone, 2007 is here and guess what, and it’s just another Monday to me (besides I’m off work).