Pleasure Principle #2

Explosions of joy are over, our bodies lay exhausted, chest moving up and down, lungs gasping for air. Our eyes focus on the white wood ceiling fan as it twirls around above us. Like synchronize summers we turn our heads and face each other. No words were said, no emotions ran across our faces. I smile, as usual the first to give in the emotional stirring contest we seem to always find ourselves, I show you how I felt inside. You lean in and give me a soft kiss on my lips. We continue to stir deeply into each other’s eyes. Your right hand moves close to my face, you gently brush the side of my face with the back of your hand. Chills run across my body as you begin to play with my ear loops, tracing God’s work as if to remember it later. You roll over on your side so your body is facing me, with your left hand you make a trail down my chin to my chest. I lay motionless, allowing you to do as you please to my body, trusting you and letting your will be done. With one hand behind my head and the other resting on my stomach you just look at me. I’m at total peace in your hands.

“You know how I feel about you,” you are the first to speak. I know this was your way of saying I Love You. Normally, this would enrage me, why couldn’t you just say it. But for the first time, I could see those words in your eyes. I didn’t need a Valentine’s Day card, a message on my answering machine or you to verbally say it, I knew it. I wanted to say something, wanted to shout out, I LOVE YOU TOO. But I couldn’t. I felt a single tear drop from my eye. You smiled, leaned forward and engulfed my mouth with yours. Your arms wrapped around my body, my arms wrapped around yours, our naked bodies joining together as one once again. I wanted to cry, after two years of dealing with his bullshit, two years of his cheating, indecisions, he finally loved me. Both of our bodies tightened up as we began to reach yet another erection. You pull away from me, I begin to search for an explanation. Your face was filled with uncertainty and doubt, two things that I have rarely seen on your face and never at the same time. Still unable to speak, I reach out for your face. You catch my hand in yours, folding our fingers together. A gently kiss is the only explanation you offer.

“What’s wrong?” I finally broke my silence, I could only manage a whisper but I knew he heard me. I know you can see the worry on my face. My erection was gone, my body was still tight but with panic now. You just held my hand, just looked at me with those soft brown eyes of yours. Eyes that I had just moments ago seen how much you loved me in, eyes that now were empty, eyes that hid the emotions inside. You placed your lips on my forehead and didn’t release. You pulled away, still no words. “Baby, what’s wrong,” my voice is stronger now, filled with concern. Still no verbal response, you just get up from the bed. In front of me was the man I loved, bare for the world to see. Your 5’9 193 lbs light skin frame stood in front of me in all its imperfections and beauty, but to me you were fully clothed. I loved to see your body, marveled at the mere site of it every time we were alone, but now, at this minute, I wanted your emotions to be bare in front of me.

“Dance with me,” you finally spoke. Those were not the words I wanted to hear nor did they answer any of my questions. You stood there naked with your hand extended, still with a look of doubt on your face.

“There’s no music playing,” I didn’t want to play his games, didn’t want to get caught up in the moment, there was something he was hiding from me and I deserved to know what it was. “What’s wrong?” Now I sat in the center of the bed with my legs and arms crossed.

“Dance with me,” you flashed a sweet smile and I could feel my face loosing up. You stepped closer so your hand could be closer to my body. I couldn’t resist the innocent look on your face. I had to know what was going on inside of your head. I jumped off the bed and into your arms. We swayed as if we were listening to the same some song. Our naked bodies touched but my erection was gone. I opened my mouth to say something but you kissed me. You must have known I was going to ruin the mood. You released my lips and I rested my head on your shoulder. Then it happened, you whispered lightly in my ear, “I’m sorry.” I jerked my head so I could face him. Tears were coming down his face. “I’m sorry for the other guys, I’m sorry for my girlfriend, I’m sorry for making you second. I’m sorry for never telling you how I feel about you.” Tears began to roll down my face, never in two years did I hear those words come from you, and never had you apologized for anything.

“Baby its ok, I know you care about me a lot. I chose to stay and we worked past the other guys. I chose to stay even though you live a double life.”

“No! I don’t care about you a lot,” your words cut me deep. I felt like I was about to die. My heart stopped beating and my lungs were no longer pumping. “I’ve treated you badly, I don’t deserve you,” you continued, but I had to sit down. I was beginning to get light headed. “I don’t deserve your support. I’ve cheated on you, made you sit back in the cut and play mistress to my girl. You deserve more.” Tears flowed from your eyes, you were now leaning against the wall facing me. My tears were dry now, my face blank, I can’t believe you are saying this. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you,” were you still talking to me? I was finally able to breathe but my heart still felt like someone was jumping on it. “Why can’t I tell you how I feel?” You stopped speaking, looked at me as if I had the answer. You grabbed your phone from the dresser that was to your right. You walked over and sat next to me, opened your phone and went to your sent messages.
Do not call me anymore, delete my number as I’m deleting yours. I’m starting over with my dude. Its going to be just me and him, I can’t do this anymore.

There were several numbers this message was sent to, then you clicked on the next message. I recognized that number as it comes up on both of our phones several times while we are together, it was your girlfriend’s number. You looked at me and clicked it:
Its over. I’ve been hurting both of you too long. I have to choose and I chose him. I’m sorry. It’s not fair what I’ve done, I’m sorry, but its over.

Tears began to run down my face as they continued to run down yours. I wrapped my arms around your neck, kissed you on your lips and simply said, “I love you too.”