RANTS

Ok today’s post will have a little something for everyone. I’ve been holding some things in for a couple of days now and just want to release it. Want to just let the words flow. This post will not be for the literary giants of Blogger, the super religious (there will be a lot of profanity in this post) or those who can’t understand sarcasm. This post will be for those who share a similar view as I do and those whose emotions some time get the best of them. This post will be raw, this post will be exactly what I’m thinking.

AMERICAN IDOL
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!?!!! There are articles, activist, fat lesbian washed up hags and news segments blasting American Idol for being to harsh and demoralizing the contestants. Are you serious? Ok, maybe I would have given these cry babies some lead way, tried to hear their argument all the way through, but this is season FUCKING six!!!!!!!!!!!! These non singing armatures knew exactly what they were getting into. It is not the fault of the judges that they were the only people able to tell these poor misguided people the truth. Shit, I think some of those contestants owe us and the judges an apology for wasting our time. Were they tone deaf? Wait that’s even being nice, are they deaf? Could they not hear themselves? I mean we had the flaming faggot come out and say he can hit notes like Mariah Carey and sounded like he was taking a 13inch dick for the first time with no lube after he had already busted a nut. We had the fat white sea lion singing her mating call while gurgling mouthwash. Can I sing? Nope, but I’m also not on American Idol and if I do decide to sit in the fucking freezing cold and rain for a week to embarrass myself it will only be to get on television.

We have this fat bitch calling the judges bullies for their comments toward the contestants. Are you serious? Who made your fat ass the authority on bullying? How could you claim this is bullying? These simple minded motherfuckers signed up to be humiliated on television. They watched seasons prior and knew the judges, especially Simon, were brutally honest and they knew before they came on the show they could not sing. If anyone is to blame for their ridicule it’s their family and friends for not telling them the truth. Stopping them from making a total ass of themselves. One woman had the nerve to tell the world her husband would not travel to Seattle with her because she was wasting her time and she couldn’t sing, but she went because her 2 year old son told her she can sing. DUMB BITCH just wasted the family’s money. Her husband loved her enough to tell her the truth. So, this is for the non singing, emotional, excuse giving, hollering, Mary J. Bliege first live album sounding (yes the bitch couldn’t hold a note for 4 years. Yea I said it and what), deaf contestants of season 8, MAN UP OR STAY HOME BECAUSE YOU WILL FINALLY HEAR THE FUCKING TRUTH!!!

HOMOSEXUALITY IS THE GREATEST PROBLEM FACING AMERICA
Ok before I begin this rant, let me set this up properly. Some of you are familiar with the Blogger that goes by the name CAPTIAN, well, earlier this month he posted a post bashing once again his favorite subject, homosexuality. He stated that homosexuality, not poverty or terrorism, is the greatest problem facing American. The immorality of homosexuality and the pushing of homosexual values and causes is what is wrong with this country. Now, if you are looking for an intelligent response to his arguments, please ask the legend of O or Shawnqt to write it. This sarcastic tirade will not be it.

Homosexuality is the greatest problem facing America. I guess that’s true, all the meaningless sex that we are having, the spending out side of our means, excessive drinking we do, yes we are the biggest problem. How dare we ask for the same rights as the 16 year old mother of two with a 9th grade education, who leaves her children with her mother so she can go drink in the club with her fake ID while she searches for baby daddy number 3. Why should I want to get married to my life partner? I understand, how dare we think of getting married, we will end up raising the low divorce rate in this country. And our morals are so flawed, we just fuck fuck fuck.

Actually, CAPTAIN, is right. I’m going to be straight. This way I can have a girlfriend that I can fuck everyday all day, a side chick that really is my other girlfriend without the title, a jump off I call when I want to get freaky and several hoes I can fuck when I just want to bust a nut and not have to worry about any emotional attachment. Yes being heterosexual is going to be the way for me. I mean so what women have the highest rate of AIDS and they get pregnant, someone else will pay for my mistakes. If she gets pregnant I don’t have to pay child support, shit, I don’t even have to watch the little bastard. The life of a heterosexual is the life for me. Women get pregnant kill their offspring’s with liquor, cigarettes, abortions and crack, and this is all before the little motherfuckers come out of their mother’s well used dry pussy. And don’t get me started about the beauty of after they are born. If she doesn’t want to be bothered with the constant reminders of her whorish ways, she can throw it in the garbage, beat it until either a social agency picks it up or it dies, or pass it along to her mother. Wow, why did I choose to be gay?

All you flaming faggots and DL cats its time to give it up. Throw the condoms away, marry a chick and fuck around as much as you like. Young chicks don’t mind if you go raw as long as you are willing to treat them like shit and take them out from time to time. As a heterosexual we can get married, divorce, cheat, have kids and don’t have to acknowledge them. As a heterosexual I can fuck a 14 year old girl and blame Myspace for our interaction.

Seriously, would the world be better without homosexuality? Think about it, how many times have you heard of a homosexual committing a crime or on welfare? What child are we having that welfare, Grandparents, or foster families have to take care of? Some argue that allowing homosexuals to marry will corrupt the moral fabricate of America, to them I ask what fabricate is left? We have Christian groups spending time and money to fight against the right of two people that love each other to marry instead of preaching protection and self esteem to our young women. We have court battles trying to block homosexuals their right to pursue happiness, wasting time and money, instead of focusing on ways to keep our dangerous criminals in jail. Homosexuality is not the greatest threat to this country, ignorant heterosexuals who ignore the sins and the cost of those sins of the heterosexual race and focus on the image of homosexuality. The issues/causes homosexuals are fighting for are similar to those fought by African-Americans and Women in the 60s. We just want the rights that we are entitled to as citizens of this country. Shit, I’m not even asking for every to accept my lifestyle, just respect me as a human.

LOVE?

Love is something that can not be found, but something that will find you. I’m beginning to believe these words as I continue down the road of single and searching. It’s been months since I’ve felt truly connected with someone. Months since the presence or the thought of the presence of someone near to me made me feel warm inside. The problem with my loneliness seems to be that I’ve been searching, looking for someone to fill that void in my life, instead of letting that person just come to me.

I’ve been on a couple of dates, but nothing. I’m still just Jay. There was a guy in South Jersey that I met before Thanksgiving. On paper he was perfect for me. He is smart, finishing his Masters program in May of this year, works for the government full-time, drives, has his own place in a good area and has an attitude and presence about himself that I could only love. He presented himself as a challenge to me, moody, demanding and sure of himself, everything that would normally turn most guys away, and everything that turned me on to him. But I feel nothing. There is no connection, no sparks felt. Is he ugly? Far from it, he is tall, medium brown skin, body isn’t well sculpted but I like meat. His face is soft, signs of age and wisdom but innocent, he is definitely a looker and he was interested in me. We talked about football (yes, he is a football fan), politics, books, school, his future plans, but I just couldn’t see my future with him. Am I making this more difficult than it needs to be or am I being a realist? I put distance in between us, haven’t talked to him since Christmas I think.

I’ve tried the internet thing, but who hasn’t. The weaving through the sex fiends, lying minors, confused dl men, the disease spreading liars and the cheating boyfriends, damn this maze of single hood is complicated. I’ve met those willing to give up the ass in hopes of landing into a relationship and quickly I’m reminded of my younger self. Thoughts of if I could give the perfect blow job, if I swallow, I could keep a man, seduce him into loving me. And like the opportunistic men I dealt with, I slept with these individuals knowing that I had no intentions on dating them, rarely did I have an intention of seeing them again. Found myself engaged in internet friendships with the dl/bi-sexual/confused man, because they really didn’t want to meet and definitely weren’t ready for a relationship with another man. For me these men are actually the ones I feel the deepest connection with. These are the men that give me the impression that they can give me what I want from a relationship, or at least what I think I want.

What do I think I want from a relationship, what is a perfect relationship for Jay? For me a relationship should be built on a solid foundation of communication. Above everything else I believe that communication, not trust, is the most important thing in a relationship. Without communication a relationship will crumble and is doomed. Communication requires a speaker and a listener. Both parties in a relationship need to have both of these qualities in order for my perfect relationship to work. We should be able to tell each other everything, no matter how difficult it will be for the other to hear or how trivial the subject, we should be able to communicate our feelings. Now communication does not necessarily mean talking, being verbal. For some of us writing is a better medium to express our feelings, which to me is fine as long as the communication is there. Some of you may not agree with that part, but this is my perfect relationship not yours.

Next is trust. Ok, so it’s said that without trust there is no relationship. I agree, but its still number 2 on my list. Trust is something that is earned and lost, so it can not top my list. In the beginning of a relationship trust is at its infancy stage and grows. Unfortunately, in most relationships, trust is tested and even lost. Depending on the level of trust, commitment and communication, determines whether the trust can be rebuilt or the relationship’s destruction. In my perfect relationship, I need to know that I can trust my mate. I need to feel like despite all the online and club flirting my other half does, nothing questionable will ever happen, but shouldn’t we all expect that?

My perfect relationship will involve compromise. Both of us have to compromise for the happiness of the other. I’ll go to the movies and you’ll watch the football game, I’ll go to mass and you’ll go to church. A perfect relationship for me doesn’t mean that we both have to like the same things, enjoy doing the same things, but the ability or willingness to try to do something else to make the other happy. Compromise doesn’t always mean getting your way or giving in, but understanding when to give in and when to stand your ground.

A perfect relationship with me will involve a less than perfect mate, someone that isn’t “well hung” and someone that isn’t well sculpted. Maybe this is what I think I deserve, but when I look at the more masculine gay man, with a few extra pounds (like myself), without the model looks, with the warn face that yells of the many fights they have survived, I see someone I want to get to know better, I see my Adonis. Shit, if a man is masculine and I mean really masculine, he doesn’t have to be cute at all for me to be attracted to him. And dick size, well lets just say a well hung man is not for me.

As I write this entry (which has taken me over a week to complete), I took time to reflect on me and the men that came in and out of my life recently. Self discovery is a bitch and probably being my hardest critic I realize I’m probably not ready for a relationship and I’ve been sabotaging all opportunities for a relationship recently. Yes I realize I didn’t finish describing my perfect relationship, but that was because I know perfect is not obtainable. Perfection is only intended for those things that are definite/concrete. Life, love, people and relationships are not definite, nothing concrete about them, they are ever changing so never can they be perfect. I sit in a room alone, me, my thoughts and some slow jams emitting from my computer and I can boldly say I’m ready to love someone, however, not sure I’m ready to be loved. WHAT?!!!?!!!! How could this be? How could anyone not be ready to be loved? I’ve finally realized why all my relationships have failed. I’m happiest when there is no emotional attachment from the other person. Being in a relationship with the straight guy or bisexual guy with the girlfriend, were always my dream relationships. Always found myself involved with the guy that was already in some sort of relationship, the guy that wasn’t sure if he was gay or not, the guy that didn’t want a relationship because he had just gotten out of one, these were my relationships. These men could never love me and once they did, the relationship was over. They liked me, but the surprise candle light dinners, the putting me first, those things didn’t happen until the relationship was over. And I was ok with that. I loved that. I can dwell inside of myself, search the maze of my mind, dig in and figure out where this stems from, but for now I’m going to say it simply comes from never feeling loved from the same-sex.

So where am I now with my life and love? I’m where every single man, gay, straight or bisexual are at, I’m taking life one day at a time. Fucking what comes my way (still haven’t had intercourse in 2007 so I’m not the big whore I may seem), going on dates and just seeing what is out there. I can only be me, so if I’m not interested I move on and I just remain honest with everyone I come in contact with. I’m getting me together so I’m ready for love. Giving everyone more chances and trying to see every new relationship to its decision term.

Pleasure Principle #2

Explosions of joy are over, our bodies lay exhausted, chest moving up and down, lungs gasping for air. Our eyes focus on the white wood ceiling fan as it twirls around above us. Like synchronize summers we turn our heads and face each other. No words were said, no emotions ran across our faces. I smile, as usual the first to give in the emotional stirring contest we seem to always find ourselves, I show you how I felt inside. You lean in and give me a soft kiss on my lips. We continue to stir deeply into each other’s eyes. Your right hand moves close to my face, you gently brush the side of my face with the back of your hand. Chills run across my body as you begin to play with my ear loops, tracing God’s work as if to remember it later. You roll over on your side so your body is facing me, with your left hand you make a trail down my chin to my chest. I lay motionless, allowing you to do as you please to my body, trusting you and letting your will be done. With one hand behind my head and the other resting on my stomach you just look at me. I’m at total peace in your hands.

“You know how I feel about you,” you are the first to speak. I know this was your way of saying I Love You. Normally, this would enrage me, why couldn’t you just say it. But for the first time, I could see those words in your eyes. I didn’t need a Valentine’s Day card, a message on my answering machine or you to verbally say it, I knew it. I wanted to say something, wanted to shout out, I LOVE YOU TOO. But I couldn’t. I felt a single tear drop from my eye. You smiled, leaned forward and engulfed my mouth with yours. Your arms wrapped around my body, my arms wrapped around yours, our naked bodies joining together as one once again. I wanted to cry, after two years of dealing with his bullshit, two years of his cheating, indecisions, he finally loved me. Both of our bodies tightened up as we began to reach yet another erection. You pull away from me, I begin to search for an explanation. Your face was filled with uncertainty and doubt, two things that I have rarely seen on your face and never at the same time. Still unable to speak, I reach out for your face. You catch my hand in yours, folding our fingers together. A gently kiss is the only explanation you offer.

“What’s wrong?” I finally broke my silence, I could only manage a whisper but I knew he heard me. I know you can see the worry on my face. My erection was gone, my body was still tight but with panic now. You just held my hand, just looked at me with those soft brown eyes of yours. Eyes that I had just moments ago seen how much you loved me in, eyes that now were empty, eyes that hid the emotions inside. You placed your lips on my forehead and didn’t release. You pulled away, still no words. “Baby, what’s wrong,” my voice is stronger now, filled with concern. Still no verbal response, you just get up from the bed. In front of me was the man I loved, bare for the world to see. Your 5’9 193 lbs light skin frame stood in front of me in all its imperfections and beauty, but to me you were fully clothed. I loved to see your body, marveled at the mere site of it every time we were alone, but now, at this minute, I wanted your emotions to be bare in front of me.

“Dance with me,” you finally spoke. Those were not the words I wanted to hear nor did they answer any of my questions. You stood there naked with your hand extended, still with a look of doubt on your face.

“There’s no music playing,” I didn’t want to play his games, didn’t want to get caught up in the moment, there was something he was hiding from me and I deserved to know what it was. “What’s wrong?” Now I sat in the center of the bed with my legs and arms crossed.

“Dance with me,” you flashed a sweet smile and I could feel my face loosing up. You stepped closer so your hand could be closer to my body. I couldn’t resist the innocent look on your face. I had to know what was going on inside of your head. I jumped off the bed and into your arms. We swayed as if we were listening to the same some song. Our naked bodies touched but my erection was gone. I opened my mouth to say something but you kissed me. You must have known I was going to ruin the mood. You released my lips and I rested my head on your shoulder. Then it happened, you whispered lightly in my ear, “I’m sorry.” I jerked my head so I could face him. Tears were coming down his face. “I’m sorry for the other guys, I’m sorry for my girlfriend, I’m sorry for making you second. I’m sorry for never telling you how I feel about you.” Tears began to roll down my face, never in two years did I hear those words come from you, and never had you apologized for anything.

“Baby its ok, I know you care about me a lot. I chose to stay and we worked past the other guys. I chose to stay even though you live a double life.”

“No! I don’t care about you a lot,” your words cut me deep. I felt like I was about to die. My heart stopped beating and my lungs were no longer pumping. “I’ve treated you badly, I don’t deserve you,” you continued, but I had to sit down. I was beginning to get light headed. “I don’t deserve your support. I’ve cheated on you, made you sit back in the cut and play mistress to my girl. You deserve more.” Tears flowed from your eyes, you were now leaning against the wall facing me. My tears were dry now, my face blank, I can’t believe you are saying this. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you,” were you still talking to me? I was finally able to breathe but my heart still felt like someone was jumping on it. “Why can’t I tell you how I feel?” You stopped speaking, looked at me as if I had the answer. You grabbed your phone from the dresser that was to your right. You walked over and sat next to me, opened your phone and went to your sent messages.
Do not call me anymore, delete my number as I’m deleting yours. I’m starting over with my dude. Its going to be just me and him, I can’t do this anymore.

There were several numbers this message was sent to, then you clicked on the next message. I recognized that number as it comes up on both of our phones several times while we are together, it was your girlfriend’s number. You looked at me and clicked it:
Its over. I’ve been hurting both of you too long. I have to choose and I chose him. I’m sorry. It’s not fair what I’ve done, I’m sorry, but its over.

Tears began to run down my face as they continued to run down yours. I wrapped my arms around your neck, kissed you on your lips and simply said, “I love you too.”

2006

As I embark on a new year, I will take one final look at 2006. Recap the events that have filled my year and that have helped in my continual growth. I will try to keep this under two typed pages, but will not make any promises. If you are looking for the word, resolution, on this page, you just saw it, I don’t make those.

2006 found me in another dead in relationship. For most of 2006 I found myself spending most of my time with ‘A.’ For eight months we shared most of our free time together, enjoyed each other can in just about every way you can imagine. I thought things were going well between the two of us, but it wasn’t. Things ended abruptly between us one Sunday afternoon. I was left a little confused, definitely hurt and once again I found myself questioning what was wrong with me? But I have moved on. Learned and grew from the experience. Realized that I can not be blinded by what I believe is love and see everyone and situation with the eyes of an observer. Even though I do not hate ‘A’ or hold bad feelings toward him, I can not say that we are friends. Can’t even say we will ever be friends but we have had several civil interactions.

March 20, 2006, Gerald L. Davis III left his physical body here on this earth as he traveled to the other side of the bright light. I will not going into my feeling in depth because I have posted about this event before. This may sound a little off, a little heartless, but on that day my prayers were answered. I had prayed for a few years for my father to come to terms with his illness. His resentment, anger and frustration I felt were caused not by the pain he was feeling from his illness but the control he had lost. He was a proud man, didn’t want anything from anyone, wanted to do for himself, his illness took that away from him. When I would pray for him, I prayed for peace and acceptance. His last day on this earth was filled with both. While at dialysis, he asked one of the employees to turn off his monitor, recline his chair because he wanted to rest. They stated he said he was just tired and wanted to rest and rest he did. He closed his eyes and his vitals dropped to zero. He went peaceful.

It was during my father’s funeral I discovered what real friends are. I can be very withdrawn and strong willed at times and in the midst of crisis I’m the worst. It was during this time I found my real friends. I let everyone know that my father had passed, but I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy and honestly, I didn’t want to see them at the funeral (funeral and wake were held the same day). I didn’t expect anyone to show and I was ok with that. But seven showed up. They didn’t say much to me, they were just there. That was the most comfort I felt during the entire week. I wanted to be mad because I told them not to show up, but it was needed. So I take this time to thank them. Thank you, Mike, Greg, Tony, Keith, Calvin, Michelle and Brian.

Calvin. Now some of you who read my post know that Calvin and I had a falling out. I basically overreacted to a situation that had little to do with me. I’m not going to go into the details, but I do feel like I need to clear up a misconception. I do not have a problem with Calvin. I do not dislike him. I just didn’t like the situation and how I perceived how my best friend was being treated. It seemed like everyone believed that I had this major problem with him, thought I hated him and could not be around him, that was/is not the case. I’m not sure how he feels about me, but on my side I thought it needed to be said.

I haven’t seen or talked to Mike much in recent weeks. Since he has been dating his current boyfriend, he has had less time for me. Some would be bitter, resentful and just plain hate on their friend, especially if said friend is single like me, but I couldn’t be happier right now. Mike is happy and that is all that really matters. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own happiness or grief that we forget to be happy for our friends. I’m truly happy for Mike, even while I miss having him there when I want him. I’m glad Mike doesn’t have time for me, because that means that D is really making him happy.

Single. I am still single and not rushing into anything. I want to say that I’m not bitter, want to say I’m bitter, but I can’t say either. I have mixed emotions when it comes to my relationship status. As much as I want to be with someone, want to have someone love me, I’m not pressed for it. It isn’t a need, which in the past I thought it was. If a relationship comes it comes. I had taken a break from sexual contact but not sure if I’m really waiting for a relationship for my next encounter. If it happens that I hold out until my next relationship, great, if not, I will not think less of myself.

2006 is gone, 2007 is here and guess what, and it’s just another Monday to me (besides I’m off work).