Sleepy, long, rambling, random post

I have a lot on my mind, some of the issues I have have worked them selves out but I still need to get these thoughts out of my head.

On Wednesday I went to court for my nephew, while there I realized a few things.
1. Kids no longer are ashamed of breaking the law. These little motherfuckers were high fiving each other in the waiting room as if it was the first day of school and they were seeing each other for the first time after an exciting summer. They bragged about what they had done and their knowledge of the legal system. I wanted to throw up.
2. Parents get mad at the wrong people. Most of the parents were upset that things were taking so long, ok they were, but as i told several of them, if your child wasn't in trouble you would still be in bed. It is not the courts fault there had to be over 100 cases in family court at 9am in the morning because so many kids wanted to show their ass.
3. My nephews sperm donor is a fucking idiot. He wanted to be a father to my nephew after being a drive-by-dad at best for the first 17 and a half years of his life, only to realize its not easy raising a teenage boy, especially one that is very rebellious. My nephew is a handful, I will admit that, but he refuses to question my nephew because he doesn't want to upset him, what the fuck!
(Ok, I shortened this first part of the post because as I was typing it, it was 2 pages and I didn't want to re-read it, so why would I do that to someone else?)

My sister and I talked for almost the entire trip there and back (about 5 hours total) as if we hadn't talked in years. I love my sister and generally talk to her briefly at least once a week. We talked about the men in our life, childhood issues we had (even though we have gone down that road), and the events at court. I love my sister and our relationship. While talking about my nephew and his "father," I had to point out that I thought she was wrong to bash him in front of my nephew even though we all shared the same view on him. I mean, those two (my sister and nephew) were going off at the hotel about how stupid he (my nephews father) is. She agreed with me and said she was trying.

I was supposed to spend time with the husband on Wednesday. His best friend was hosting /giving a lecture and we were going to go in support, but messing around with my sister and nephew, I didn't get home until the event was over. I informed him way before the event began so he would have time to plan his course of action. We hadn't agreed to meet up after, so when I got home I texted him if he wanted to do something. I was tired, working on only four hours of sleep, a little cranky, so I probably should have just called it a night, but I felt bad since we had plans and I canceled them. I got a slick message back from him that kind of added to my already bad mood and I responded with a very hurtful text. I wasn't going to apologize for what I said because it was not a lie, but it was definitely something that should not have been said or texted. Despite having an attitude with me, he still came over my house. He stated that it was to see my mother and play cards with her. We drove to pick my mother up something to eat, the ride to the store was silent. I'm not sure if we said anything to one another the entire trip. he got out of the car at one point to get chap stick and left me in the car. He was noticeably upset/unhappy which hurts me in the worst way. He knows this and it was his way of getting back at me. This is probably what our problem is...my mouth is horrible and I cut deep sometimes, which is something that hurts him greatly. I hate to see someone I love unhappy, especially when I'm the cause, regardless if I'm in the right, it hurts me. So Wednesday, we hurt each other. We still played cards with my mother and later another friend of ours came over and we played another hand (sidebar- phase 10 is a hot game).

Thursday Tony was still not speaking to me. He and my mother went to costco while I was with my new niece (that little girl slept the entire time I was there, I don't know where she gets that laziness from...lol). The three of us were supposed to play cards again but my mother claimed she was tired (I think she and Tony planned to give us some alone time to talk), then my sister came over and the four of us talked (actually my sister talked, we laughed) until the game (NBA finals) came on. We ended the night on a good note, left the events of Wednesday behind us.

Brief sports note: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE LAKERS? HOW DO YOU BLOW A 20 POINT LEAD? BOSTON IS A GOOD TEAM BUT DAMN, THE THIRD AND FOURTH QUARTERS THEY WERE LIKE VIRGINS THAT COULDN'T FIND THE HOLE, HELL A VIRGIN WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO AT LEAST FINISH!

I was reading someone else's blog the other day and they posed a good question: what do you do when you have fallen for someone but you are unsure of their feelings? It got me to thinking about my current situation. I keep saying I want to be in a relationship before my birthday but I have been dragging my feet. But why? Life is why. I'm a little gun shy, just can't pull the trigger. My past is holding me back, mistakes that have been made by me and others are forcing me to over think my decision instead of just going with it and seeing what happens. It has very little to do with the people that have approached me, my exs or friends, its really me and my life that is holding me back, but isn't that the case for most people? Oh well, it will happen in due time, just hope the "one" doesn't get tired of waiting and runs off.

Ok, I'm exhausted and most of this is not going to make much sense to anyone but me so I"m going to end this. I might re-blog one day on some of the things touched on here once I get some rest, but I can't sleep with all these thoughts running around. Goodnight