Confused
I should be happy right now, should be looking forward to what is next in life, but I'm not. I'm stuck thinking about the what ifs, stuck thinking about the rational decision rather than making the right one, stuck fighting myself and my beliefs. *deep breathe*
I've wanted to be with someone for a long time, wanted to experience the ups and downs of a relationship, but I just haven't been able to find that one person to share my life with. I would come close, run once the reality of the situation became less than perfect, found a way to sabatoge every possibility. Now, after a roller coaster of a week I'm left confused. I just dont know what to do with myself. The rational decision is right in front of me, it is clear as day but I'm sure I would be making that choice for all of the wrong reasons. Then there is the wrong choice. I want to be with someone that gets me, that understands what I want. I want to be with that person that knows how to piss me off and make me smile with no effort. I found him, but can't have him. What am I supposed to do? Life has made our situation complicated and damn near impossible, but I can't help but want to spend my remaining seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and/or years with him. I want to fall in love again with someone else, but each day I find myself falling in love with him all over again. I want to remain his friend, just one of the boys, I want to move on with what is left of my life, but we keep finding our way back to each other. My brain wants to choose the rational choice, a guy that is perfect and would make someone very happy. But I stand at the crossroad of life, ready to sit and wait for death to take me so I don't have to make a decision.
I need to get up and do something, need to clear my head. I want a drink but will settle for a sign.
I've wanted to be with someone for a long time, wanted to experience the ups and downs of a relationship, but I just haven't been able to find that one person to share my life with. I would come close, run once the reality of the situation became less than perfect, found a way to sabatoge every possibility. Now, after a roller coaster of a week I'm left confused. I just dont know what to do with myself. The rational decision is right in front of me, it is clear as day but I'm sure I would be making that choice for all of the wrong reasons. Then there is the wrong choice. I want to be with someone that gets me, that understands what I want. I want to be with that person that knows how to piss me off and make me smile with no effort. I found him, but can't have him. What am I supposed to do? Life has made our situation complicated and damn near impossible, but I can't help but want to spend my remaining seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and/or years with him. I want to fall in love again with someone else, but each day I find myself falling in love with him all over again. I want to remain his friend, just one of the boys, I want to move on with what is left of my life, but we keep finding our way back to each other. My brain wants to choose the rational choice, a guy that is perfect and would make someone very happy. But I stand at the crossroad of life, ready to sit and wait for death to take me so I don't have to make a decision.
I need to get up and do something, need to clear my head. I want a drink but will settle for a sign.
posted by Jay at
11:49 AM
7 Comments:
You know me, but you wont guess who this is. Im anonymous lol. I know ACTUALLY how you feel! You fight for that person, but no matter how close you become, you feel stuck. I want to tell you to let him go, put it in Gods hands, and let fate do its job....but how do u let go of love, especially when it seems like the best love you've every known? That question wakes me up in morning, puts me to sleep at night, and occasionally meets me for lunch. Give it time....
By
Anonymous, at 1:34 PM
After re-reading this post and thinking about what was said I thought I needed to add more. Everything that was written was meant, but sometimes, things I say aren't interrupted correctly or I forget somethings, so here I go. Both my rational and wrong choice, after reading this, will know who they are and why so I will not elaborate on those situations.
rational choice- just know that nothing was fake. Everything I said to you was real, but right now, I'm just not in love with you. That's not to say that I can't fall in love with you but I'm just not there yet. It feels at times that I'm searching for soemthing that is not there and I hate that feeling.He have shared some good times and I do think you are a good person, I just need time to think.
Wrong choice- What is there to say that you don't already know? In a perfect world we would have a house together and your godson would be calling me goddaddy as well. But life isn't perfect, love is a fucked up thing and things change. Where do we go from here? We let each other go and yet we keep returning, don't know what that means, do you? I loved what 'A' and I had, but in the end, I can look at him as a friend, know he isn't coming back, I have never been able to say or do that with you. We continue to do things to hurt the other, confuse our situation, but the end result of it all is us hugged up somewhere, stealing a moment together.
I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to be happy, but life isn't easy and I know that. I continue to take things slow, continue to date, continue to wrestle with life, contineu to grow, I just hope in the process I hope I don't push my soulmate away, whether he is rational choice, wrong choice or someone else.
By
Jay, at 1:35 PM
Anonymous, if you know me you know that love has been playing a sicking game with me. I wish I could express in words how I feel. But anyway, if you are the same anonymous from shawn's blog you owe me a date...lol
By
Jay, at 1:37 PM
I rarly comment, because I think that you really doing some soul searching and really moving on your road to your happiness (even with the small bumps). Sometimes you have to do it alone, and it helps to just release energy here on your blog.
Sometimes my "positive" outlook comments ain't going to mean shit, so I just remain quiet.
But I am reading,
You need this time,
I'm here if you ever need me,
and I love you.
By
ShawnQt, at 8:24 PM
Whew! I think we have all found ourselves at this crossroad at one point in our lives. If you haven't yet, like the old saying goes . . ."Keep Living".
Sometimes we don't always have to make the most rational decisions in life. Sometimes it's not always a bad thing to go against the grain.
Continue to deliberate. Make no rushed decisions. In the end, you know what/who you want and you just may have to make that happen.
Keep doing you bro!
By
Acoustic Soul, at 6:09 AM
I hate being at the fork and not knowing which path to take! It's very confusing and it seems as though it is never clearly lit! I hope that you find your way through this confusion.
By
fuzzy, at 7:41 AM
unless you are happy alone, you will never be happy with someone else. you need to love jay a lot more to find mr perfect !
By
ponoono, at 7:26 PM
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