LOVE?

Love is something that can not be found, but something that will find you. I’m beginning to believe these words as I continue down the road of single and searching. It’s been months since I’ve felt truly connected with someone. Months since the presence or the thought of the presence of someone near to me made me feel warm inside. The problem with my loneliness seems to be that I’ve been searching, looking for someone to fill that void in my life, instead of letting that person just come to me.

I’ve been on a couple of dates, but nothing. I’m still just Jay. There was a guy in South Jersey that I met before Thanksgiving. On paper he was perfect for me. He is smart, finishing his Masters program in May of this year, works for the government full-time, drives, has his own place in a good area and has an attitude and presence about himself that I could only love. He presented himself as a challenge to me, moody, demanding and sure of himself, everything that would normally turn most guys away, and everything that turned me on to him. But I feel nothing. There is no connection, no sparks felt. Is he ugly? Far from it, he is tall, medium brown skin, body isn’t well sculpted but I like meat. His face is soft, signs of age and wisdom but innocent, he is definitely a looker and he was interested in me. We talked about football (yes, he is a football fan), politics, books, school, his future plans, but I just couldn’t see my future with him. Am I making this more difficult than it needs to be or am I being a realist? I put distance in between us, haven’t talked to him since Christmas I think.

I’ve tried the internet thing, but who hasn’t. The weaving through the sex fiends, lying minors, confused dl men, the disease spreading liars and the cheating boyfriends, damn this maze of single hood is complicated. I’ve met those willing to give up the ass in hopes of landing into a relationship and quickly I’m reminded of my younger self. Thoughts of if I could give the perfect blow job, if I swallow, I could keep a man, seduce him into loving me. And like the opportunistic men I dealt with, I slept with these individuals knowing that I had no intentions on dating them, rarely did I have an intention of seeing them again. Found myself engaged in internet friendships with the dl/bi-sexual/confused man, because they really didn’t want to meet and definitely weren’t ready for a relationship with another man. For me these men are actually the ones I feel the deepest connection with. These are the men that give me the impression that they can give me what I want from a relationship, or at least what I think I want.

What do I think I want from a relationship, what is a perfect relationship for Jay? For me a relationship should be built on a solid foundation of communication. Above everything else I believe that communication, not trust, is the most important thing in a relationship. Without communication a relationship will crumble and is doomed. Communication requires a speaker and a listener. Both parties in a relationship need to have both of these qualities in order for my perfect relationship to work. We should be able to tell each other everything, no matter how difficult it will be for the other to hear or how trivial the subject, we should be able to communicate our feelings. Now communication does not necessarily mean talking, being verbal. For some of us writing is a better medium to express our feelings, which to me is fine as long as the communication is there. Some of you may not agree with that part, but this is my perfect relationship not yours.

Next is trust. Ok, so it’s said that without trust there is no relationship. I agree, but its still number 2 on my list. Trust is something that is earned and lost, so it can not top my list. In the beginning of a relationship trust is at its infancy stage and grows. Unfortunately, in most relationships, trust is tested and even lost. Depending on the level of trust, commitment and communication, determines whether the trust can be rebuilt or the relationship’s destruction. In my perfect relationship, I need to know that I can trust my mate. I need to feel like despite all the online and club flirting my other half does, nothing questionable will ever happen, but shouldn’t we all expect that?

My perfect relationship will involve compromise. Both of us have to compromise for the happiness of the other. I’ll go to the movies and you’ll watch the football game, I’ll go to mass and you’ll go to church. A perfect relationship for me doesn’t mean that we both have to like the same things, enjoy doing the same things, but the ability or willingness to try to do something else to make the other happy. Compromise doesn’t always mean getting your way or giving in, but understanding when to give in and when to stand your ground.

A perfect relationship with me will involve a less than perfect mate, someone that isn’t “well hung” and someone that isn’t well sculpted. Maybe this is what I think I deserve, but when I look at the more masculine gay man, with a few extra pounds (like myself), without the model looks, with the warn face that yells of the many fights they have survived, I see someone I want to get to know better, I see my Adonis. Shit, if a man is masculine and I mean really masculine, he doesn’t have to be cute at all for me to be attracted to him. And dick size, well lets just say a well hung man is not for me.

As I write this entry (which has taken me over a week to complete), I took time to reflect on me and the men that came in and out of my life recently. Self discovery is a bitch and probably being my hardest critic I realize I’m probably not ready for a relationship and I’ve been sabotaging all opportunities for a relationship recently. Yes I realize I didn’t finish describing my perfect relationship, but that was because I know perfect is not obtainable. Perfection is only intended for those things that are definite/concrete. Life, love, people and relationships are not definite, nothing concrete about them, they are ever changing so never can they be perfect. I sit in a room alone, me, my thoughts and some slow jams emitting from my computer and I can boldly say I’m ready to love someone, however, not sure I’m ready to be loved. WHAT?!!!?!!!! How could this be? How could anyone not be ready to be loved? I’ve finally realized why all my relationships have failed. I’m happiest when there is no emotional attachment from the other person. Being in a relationship with the straight guy or bisexual guy with the girlfriend, were always my dream relationships. Always found myself involved with the guy that was already in some sort of relationship, the guy that wasn’t sure if he was gay or not, the guy that didn’t want a relationship because he had just gotten out of one, these were my relationships. These men could never love me and once they did, the relationship was over. They liked me, but the surprise candle light dinners, the putting me first, those things didn’t happen until the relationship was over. And I was ok with that. I loved that. I can dwell inside of myself, search the maze of my mind, dig in and figure out where this stems from, but for now I’m going to say it simply comes from never feeling loved from the same-sex.

So where am I now with my life and love? I’m where every single man, gay, straight or bisexual are at, I’m taking life one day at a time. Fucking what comes my way (still haven’t had intercourse in 2007 so I’m not the big whore I may seem), going on dates and just seeing what is out there. I can only be me, so if I’m not interested I move on and I just remain honest with everyone I come in contact with. I’m getting me together so I’m ready for love. Giving everyone more chances and trying to see every new relationship to its decision term.