the talk

I went out with ‘A’ last night. We went to dinner, then the city and back home. It was a simple evening filled with good conversation for the most part. Unfortunately, the topic of the break up came up and we had a very open conversation about our feelings. For me I could have done without this conversation. But I participated. Initially, I was ok with just keeping my responses simple, telling the truth but watching what I said. But he wanted more. He wanted to know exactly what I was thinking and feeling. So I told him. I explained to him that I decided to black him out of my life, tried to forget him altogether. It was the easiest way to deal, maybe not the right way, but the easiest. Explained to him that his name is not allowed to be bought up at all and the one friend I have that doesn’t follow that rule gets hung up on regularly. I could tell he was a little hurt by my words, but he said he needed to hear that. I realize I need to face my issues I have with him and our “relationship,” and I use that term loosely, but I don’t want to. Every time I think about the situation I get upset, more so at myself for staying as long as I did. I did not intend on being hurtful, honestly, like I stated before, I was ok with him not knowing any of this. It’s not like I blame him completely for everything that happen, I do recognize my part in the whole thing, so I’m not mad at him, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. After the conversation I figured that any chance that we could have gotten back together or be friends anytime soon had just gone out the window (not that that’s what I was looking for). I miss him in my life, but I can’t say that I’m saddened by this revelation.