Jay's Distorted World

new year's resolution

2009-04-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Ok I normally don't make new years resolution, actually it was a resoultion of mine some years ago not to make any resolutions any more. This year I don't know if I should call it a resolution or not, but their were three things I wanted to accomplish.

1. Meet my little brother Matt face to face. This was completed in April. We weren't able to spend a lot of time together but just getting the opportunity to see him in person was great. Matt and I have been friends for over 10 years now. He was the first openly gay male I had any type of relationship with. We met online via yahoo chat when he was 13 and I was 18 (he lied about his age and once I got over the lie I realized his age didn't matter since we would never be more than friends). We have been each others rock, support, sounding board for years but never met face to face, but that didn't affect how I felt about him. He was/is like a brother to me. Anyway, on his way back from washington dc he made a pit stop to nj and we shared brunch together. It was matt, his two boyfriends, mike and I at the cheesecake factory. I must admit my little brother has grown to be an attractive man and he was more masculine than I thought he would be. Unlike some other internet friendships that ended once we met, nothing has changed with our relationship.

2. Spend some time with Lamar. After losing contact with Lamar for three years, and finally getting back in contact with him I decided I wanted to see my friend. I could have waited until the summer, waited until washington pride, but let's face it, tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone. So this past weekend I went down to visit him.I already knew he was doing pretty good as we talk almost everyday, so the meeting was cool. He doesn't look like he aged at all, he lost some weight (not that he was fat or chubby before). I was happy to see my friend. We still disagree on why things didn't work between us romantically but we have moved so far past that that we can actually laugh at each others version of what happened (even though my version is what really happened). It wasn't my ideal weekend but I'm trying to block a lot of that weekend out.

3. Be in a relationship. This has yet to happen for me, and thinking about it I think 'A' was my last relationship (if you can call it that)...oops wait I dated B (should I even count that?)? People have come and gone, no one has really sustained my interest or I haven't sustained their's. Part of me thinks about the one I was oh so in love with last year, wonder whose life he is ruining now, wondering how he is, but then reality smacks me across my face and reminds me that that ship no only has sailed but sunk faster than the titantic. He won't be able to be the stable person in my life that I would like and if I look at things with my eyes wide open I know he isn't ready to be. Relationships take work and sometimes, what some of us don't realize, a change in friends. It is almost impossible to be in a successful relationship when your friends are whores, single, bed hoppers, single, unstable, jealous. As long as negative bitter forces are allowed to surround your life and love things are destined to fail. There is a guy now that is jocking to be my mate, but I'm unsure. I want someone older, someone more stable, but this young man says and does all the right things. It has been hinted, suggested that I not give this person any thought because he has been around the block, the county, state and country, but really which one of us doesn't have a past? A hoe can't be made into a housewife but that doesn't mean a hoe can't become a housewife if they choose to change their ways. We haven't done anything because I don't want to ruin our friendship if it isn't meant to be.

Ok, that's it for right now, trying to type on my phone is killing my eyes. Talk to you later.

He kept me!

2009-03-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

ok, i came across this video on youtube, an older song that means so much to me right now. one of those things that pop up at the right time. Just wanted to share

just single me

2009-03-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting on Mr. Right to show up at my house, holding my favorite flowers, a nice card and saying all the things I want to hear. Lol, yea I know that's not going to happen. But can I find someone with compatible values, views and interest? Someone I enjoy communicating with when we are apart, together and when I'm going through one of my moods. Ugh...good guys tend to bore me, mainly because the ones I have met we share no common interest. Bad boys, are boys first and thus a major problem, but secondly don't want a relationship but give me the balance and companionship I enjoy. I know some people think its the challenge, the hunt that turns me on, however, it isn't, and I know that to be true for myself. I tend to hold on to someone for a couple of months, try to work things out, ignore the signs of incompatibility or conflicting needs, until I no longer can take lying to myself and finally say "this won't work, no matter how much I want it to." It hurts to say bye to the good guy, especially when he has done nothing wrong. I feel like I'm responsible for tearing down another man's pure and good nature and creating another self-indulgent boy. Then I end up being disgusted with myself when the bad guy reveals his true nature and I'm left alone, even though I could see past his mask at the very beginning.

Ok ok let me stop, I'm at work and need to focus on this. Hope there isn't too many errors since I can't read what I wrote on this phone. If something is terribly wrong I know I will get a text from dammit.

Abuse

2009-02-28T02:14:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of the whole Chris Brown and Rhianna domestic violence thing, can we please just wait to hear all the details before we pass judgement? However, that does open the door to my very short post this morning. Domestic violence is serious, and no one should be coming home and whipping on their spouse because they have no other way of expressing themselves, but lets be clear, there is a difference between domestic violence and losing a fight. If your spouse is beating on you because they are losing a verbal argument, had a bad day at work, caught you cheating, didn't like how you made the meatloaf, etc., those are clear signs of abuse/domestic violence. However, if you physically attack someone you are dating and they end up whipping your ass, you just lost a fight. I'm tired of people being the aggressor, getting their ass whipped and then hiding behind their sex, gender, orientation and/or age to gain pity and support. What happened to equality? What happened to men and woman striving to be equal? Let's be clear, I don't believe anyone has the right to put their hands on another, but if you choose to turn an argument physical, the other person has every right to whip that ass! I know some will disagree and say a man has no right to ever put his hands on a woman, and I will say you are wrong and hope you don't end up being a silent victim of domestic violence as so many other men are.

Unions, Jobs and Strikes

2009-02-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

So on the eve of a possible strike at my job I sit in front of the computer with the classifieds open and multiple websites open concerning possible new jobs. Our union's contract is up and neither the company or the union seem to be on the same page as far as a new contract goes. The company wants to take incentives, vacation and forgo any raises (even though the company has been expanding and posting profits)and the union hasn't been on a strike in years so they want to flex their muscles, leaving us, the workers to wonder if we are going to be able to pay our bills. Of course this great state that I live and work in does not support workers out on strike (no, I can't apply for unemployment, I already checked) and the unions strike fund will only give me enough to pay my monthly car insurance and nothing else. I'm not stressing, believe that God will make a way.

New year...Obama

2009-01-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

Ok for 2009 I have decided to change the format of my blog. I plan on posting once a week (twice if I actually get time). I plan on posting short, blast of thought. A compressed rant focusing on one clear issues, devoid of wordy sentences and phrases, something quick to share. These will be my thoughts, feelings, views and if no one cares to share a comment or doesn’t agree with what I have to share, I can care less.

OBAMA

OMG, I have never seen a president elect give so many damn press conferences in my life. Hell, Obama has been on the TV as much as Bush has been in his eight years as president (ok, that also goes to the job Bush did in office but that is neither here nor there). I took today off work to get some rest, turned to watch an educational show (Jerry Springer) and here is this Mr. Obama on the screen. Ok, we get it, the economy is bad and everyone is to blame for it, yes most of us understand that it will take time for economic stability to come back (despite what some may believe, Obama is not going to get sworn in to office and magically everything is going to get better), we know that you need to change some of your campaign promises, now get your ass off my television, fuck your wife, go read Harry Porter to your kids and put Jerry Springer back on! Let’s be clear, the biggest one night thing Obama will be achieve as president has already been accomplished. He has given hope that anyone can achieve their goal with the best group of people around them, enough money and the right set of circumstances no matter what their nationality is. To expect some immediate change is down right foolish!

Welcome to my blog 2009…lol

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE

2008-12-31T15:45:00.000-08:00

Let me start this post off by saying I apologize for my absence. Instead of reporting life I decided to take some time and actually live life. I haven't had time to sit and focus my energy on formulating words to express all that i have done, seen or experienced. I didn't want to throw up a quick post that was dry and emotionless so I decided to take a break from blogging. Now that that's out the way, on to my new post...

In a few hours 2008 will be over and a new year will becoming in and like most people I took some time to reflect on the year 2008. As most of my readers have come accusmosted to I plan on pissing some people off with my truths about myself, relationships and future, but unlike most other times I could careless and I won't be issuing any apologizes.

Relationships
2008 was a regression of sorts for me, I have distanced myself from the "group" and focused more on developing "me." Growing up I was never one to be surrounded by a whole lot of people, didn't like doing things in a group, one friend or none was perfectly fine for me. So, what does that mean? I haven't been a frequent visitor to any "group" functions and I have been venturing out on my own. I have limited my interaction to a very small group of people during this period of time mainly because I wanted to surround myself with people who share similar values/morals/goals as myself, which I can not say is true of everyone that I chilled with in 2007/early 2008. This doesn't mean those people were bad people or amoral, just our views on things were conflicting and before our conflicting views caused a major problem I had to distant myself. I'm trying to get into a relationship, find someone that respects me and themselves as much as I will them, and let's face it, you can't expect most people to take you seriously or respect you if the people you associate yourself with display whorish tendency or morals are less than desirable. Ouch, that may have hurt, but it's true. I want to meet someone, enjoy a conversation before sex, enjoy my friends without fear of one of my friends trying to holla behind my back.

I'm still single and I can't sit here and say I'm happily single, however, I'm not going to settle for a temporary fix or short-term fling. We shall see what 2009 holds for me, but I won't hold my breath.

Me
I'm doing ok. Unhappy with my job but ready to make a needed change again and doing things to change my situation. My current job just has been a ball of misery. The work itself is stressful and I'm surrounded by a bunch of bitches. So, I decided I want to go back to work in a group home with adolescent males. Even when that job was stressful, I still had a sense that that was where I was supposed to be, that I was doing the work I was created to do. Sometimes I guess it takes us to experience something else to find out what we are missing in our life.

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do try to plan on doing things differently for the upcoming year. This year I plan to make two trips no matter what or who comes up. I found my best friend Lamar this year and our relationship is better now than it was before, now I want to see if we can actually be in each others company. We planned a couple of times this year to meet up but something always came up (this time it wasn't only him, I have to share the blame this time). Next year I will be taking a trip down to see him whether he likes it or not. I will also be taking a trip to see my lil brother in Mass. We've known each other for 10 years now but have never met in person and 2009 will be the year. I'm a little nervous about going out there, not because I don't know how we would click because we basically know everything about the other, but I'm scared I will like it out there and end up staying.

Ok, I'm going to post this even though I lost interest in writing it while i typed, hell I'm actually on my way out of the house now and this is a rush job. Let me give a shout out to some people before I go (in no particular order): O, Ant, Mike, D, Greg, Shawn, X, Omar, Liyah, B, Moms, Sha, Mika, My baby girl, E, LaLa, Rodney, Steve, Branden, Brandon, EJ, YahYah, Neek, MLB, Baby boi, Matt, Cas, kilo, da bitch, Aaron, Jeff, Darnell, lil jay, ray

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-04T12:17:00.001-08:00

Ok I'm at work bored (more to come) so I'm just going to let somethings out:

1. What's up with these artist re releasing their cds with additional tracks, photos and videos? Do they not want to reward their true fans who rush out and buy their cds the first week to pad their numbers with the hottest songs, but penalize them for not waiting until sales are not where their record labels think they should be. Yes, I'm talking about you Jill Scott, J. Holiday, Ne-YO and Kris Brown just to name a few. What the fuck! I'll be damned if I'm paying for the same cd twice just to hear 2 or 3 extra songs. And they wonder why we buy bootleg.

2. Today is Election day and I'm at work. Many of you have heard me bitch and complain about not having anything to do while at work, but in all honesty, during those times I do close out 1 or 2 small cases and then have the rest of the day free. However, today I arrived 20 minutes late because I wanted to vote, only to walk around the fucking building all day because not only did I not have work to do, but those in charge of giving out work to my particular group (I work on projects and we receive our work for the lack of a better term, system administrator) were all out of the office today. When I mean them all, I mean the system administrator, the back up administrator, my manager and her manager. So, not only didn't have any work to do, I didn't have any one here to give me work to do. Due to recent system changes and rules, I also was unable to go into the system and pull request to work on (which in the past I did when I was bored). These motherfuckers wouldn't let me leave without being penalized. Dumb shit! I hate doing nothing and I hate hand outs, so sitting here all day doing nothing and getting paid for it is not sitting well with me.

3. As stated above, today is election day and I decided to go early this morning to vote. I'm not going to complain about the long ass line I stood in at 6 am, but what I will complain about is the one fucking machine for my district. What the fuck were they thinking? They had 3 lines of people wrapping around a small ass gym, leading out of the school we were in to get our tickets to cast our votes and only one machine for everyone to use. Then they had the fucking nerve to allow the senior citizens to hobble off their bus and cut the line. Those old ass bastards could have stayed their ass on the bus and waited their turn or rolled in in wheelchairs and waited like everyone else, not like they had some where else to be today. Then this bitch wants to complain that her daughter had to go to school and they let her cut. Bitch please, I have to work! Which is more important, her missing an hour of class or me an hour of pay?

Ok, I'm sounding real angry right now so I'm going to end this post. I might post again this week, it all depends on if I decide to come to work for the rest of the week.

VOTE

2008-10-27T03:56:00.000-07:00

With the presidential election a little over a week away, this will be a short and simple post encouraging everyone to go out and vote. However, please do not vote for the candidate just because he shares a similar ethnic background as you, he was once a POW, he is attractive, you want to bang his running mate, you wanted someone else to be president and since he beat that person in the primary you want him to lose, or any of the other ridiculous realizes out there. Make an informed vote. Vote for the candidate you truly believe will do the best job representing this country on a global level, the candidate who shares your beliefs on issues that are important to you, whether it be abortion, same-sex unions/marriage, health care and/or the economy. Vote for the candidate that you believe can make strong, informed decisions in the midst of party pressure, economic turmoil and international crisis. This is not an endorsement for any one candidate but an endorsement of an informed choice. Don't believe the hype, every politician lies and the likely hood that either of the candidates can fulfill all of their campaign promises are slim to none. So everyone 18 and older should cast their vote come next Tuesday, and if you don't, you have no right to complain if the country isn't going in the direction you think it should or the next Supreme Court judge tips the scale of justice in a way you don't agree.

Life Lessons

2008-10-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest gifts I have received this year came from a friend that gets how I think, even though he some times doesn’t agree with y thought process. It is a simple book he gave me, a book filled with ideas/mottos, that seem to reflect how I view the world and my life. Thank You and You’re Welcome by Kanye West with J. Sakiya Sandifer, is a quick and simple read but most of what is said, speaks volumes in understanding me and to a certain extent validates the way I think and approach life. Here are just a few of the more relevant entries:

the Best sees the Best
I pride myself in being able to recognize the best in others. I see it as a testament of my taste level. I can’t stress enough the importance of surrounding yourself with energy that supports your goals. Old folks used to say, “You can’t soar with eagles if you’re walking around with chickens.” Unfortunately, I have encountered countless chickens and not just on tour either.

There have been times when I’ve had to separate myself from certain family members, childhood friends, and people in general who brought negative energy into my life. It is not always easy, but very necessary.

If you know you’re the best, it only makes sense for you to surround yourself with the best. NO EXCEPTIONS!

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN if you were the only one who believed in it?

…When someone is strong enough to believe in something only they believe in, people are going to call them crazy…sometimes crazy is a label that the average put on the exceptional.

YOU should be HAPPY right?
I refuse to accept other people’s ideas of happiness for me. As if there’s a “one size fits all” standard for happiness.

Regardless of your position in life, no one but you is qualified to determine your happiness.

I think it’s great to never be completely happy or satisfied in life. If I ever became completely satisfied with the work I put out as an artist….that is the moment I would suck!

It is the sand which irritates the oyster that makes a pearl.

I WOULD RATHER LOSE BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WAS RIGHT THAN WIN WHEN I’M WRONG.

Never justify your behavior with the wrongs of others

You should never make a point that starts off with “But you.” That’s a sure sign of a dysfunctional, tit for tat exchange.

When does it make sense that because someone else made a bad decision, now you should?

You must learn to fight the impulse of believing: it’s not fair that you can do it and I can’t.

It is a man’s own mind
Not his enemy or foe,
That lures him to evil ways.
-Buddha.

I WOULD RATHER BE HATED FOR WHO I AM
THAN LOVED FOR WHO I’M NOT

I question anyone who questions me…but I question myself all the time!

Just some food for thought. These words may mean nothing for any of you, but for me, it’s just a reminder on how I try to live my life.

10 minutes before work begins (brief update)

2008-10-21T04:00:00.001-07:00

So I haven't been posting as much as I would like, sue me, I've discovered that if I try hard enough I can have a life. My niece, my little angel, is so precious. I love her dearly and I find it very hard not to be home when I know she is going to be there and even harder to go to sleep when she is awake (not because she is crying but because I really like being around her). Last night was no different. I wanted to go to bed around half time of the Monday night game which tends to be the end of Heroes, but that didn't happen. She and I watched most of the 3rd quarter of the football game together until her mother came to pick her up (she, my little girl is a football fan. She sees a game on and her eyes are glued to the t.v. and starts to cry when you pull her away...too cute). She is 4 months now and still looks like my brother when he was her age, so there is no deny who her daddy is...lol.

On the weekends I have found myself up and down this great state (New Jersey for those of you who don't know). Malls, house partys, dinners andTarget (ok, I may need to get an application soon, I'm ready to admit I have problem 'A'.) . I have spent time with friends, gotten to know some new people and rekindled some old friendships (hey my adopted Big Brother). Life has been pretty good. Things with the best friend have been going great, we talk everyday and it feels like we have never spent any time apart. I'm happy that he is doing well and I must add looking great (OMG the bastard looks like he is still in his early 20s...stop hating 'A' lol). Before the year is out I know I have to make a trip to Bayonne to visit 2 friends, I will make it there eventually, just on my own time. I still would like to go to MA to visit my little brother, but right now I'm trying to put away some money, so I'm holding on to the little change I have in my pocket.

Ok, its almost time for me to start work so let me run, hopefully I will be able to write a real post in the near future, but I just don't have the time to sit at a computer and for some reason I haven't been able to post from my phone (which would be ideal on my long trips to South Jersey). So until next next time, enjoy life and appreciate the people that Love you.

Happy pt 2

2008-10-08T06:22:00.000-07:00

I've had a void in my life for about two years now and the pain of this missing part of my life continued to grow as the days went on. I tried accepting other people in my life to feel this void, but everyone fell short of what I really was looking for. Friends agreed to help me find what I was looking for, but I had to take matters in my own hands.

So after not getting what I really wanted for christmas or my birthday, I took to the internet and decided to get what I really wanted. With the encouragement of 'A', who probably realized I would not stop until I got what I wanted, I took to the internet with paper, pen and even my credit card. In only a day and a half of searching, of pure determination, I got what I wanted, found the happiness I had been looking for...I found my best friend. I had no way of contacting him once he moved out of the state, we didn't share any common friends and I didn't have any working numbers or email addresses for him. But I found him!

We have been talking and catching up via text since I got his number and it warms my insides to know that he is doing well and he is happy. We are currently working out the details on a meeting, yea I'm driving down to hang out with my best friend.

HAPPY

2008-10-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

This will be a short post, a tease of sorts. I'm currently blogging from my phone again and I can't take it. But I wanted to share so here I am.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, left out the house later than usual which meant I got to work later than usual (I like to keep to a routine, don't worry I was still very early for work), my mother and her demands return today, work is extremely slow, but I couldn't be happier. I finally got the one thing I wanted for christmas and my birthday yesterday, so now I'm complete. I got tired of waiting on others help, waiting for fate and just went after what I wanted. Who ever says a man can't make you happy, lied! So who is this man? I said this was a tease right? you will have to wait for that answer.

(Those of you who know already feel special but be happy for me because you also know the pain behind this)

random ramblings

2008-10-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to be swept off my feet. I'm tired of reminding others that they are special and how a good man can treat them, I want someone to remind me that I'm special. Want someone to show me that I'm not the only good guy out there. *sigh* guess I want to remember how it feels to feel special, wanted, loved, appreciated and heard all at once. Its been almost 5 years since I felt that, recently I have settled for making others feel special. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with making someone else feel special, wanted, loved, but I just want to experience that feeling.

New music: I love ne-yo, I have a huge crush on him and have never denied it nor will I try to justify it, but his new cd is not as good as some would like us to believe. For the most part I just feel like crying when I listen to his cd, man was he going through some real shit when he put that cd together. Please don't get me wrong, its not a bad cd, just not amazing or great. Another cd that does not rise to the hype is jennifer hudson's cd. Now that cd is average at best to me. A cd that isn't getting a lot of attention that is packed with some great love songs is Joe's new cd. Now that man can write and can hold a note or two.

When do you win a debate by not answering the questions asked of you? When your name is Palin. I'm convinced this chicks neck game is sick.

Ok I'm tired of blogging from this old ass sidekick 2, until next time...

Story of Us

2008-09-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite movies of all-time is coming on lifetime this Thursday at 9 pm eastern time, The Story of Us. Yes, it can be described as a chick flick but it really has shaped me as a person and how I go about my daily interactions. Let me start by briefly explaining the movie. The movie is about a married couple on the verge of a divorce, who finally see the other's point of view in every argument that was had leading up to their separation. No, they do not go back in time nor do they switch bodies or anything, just something in their respective lives forces them to reflect.

For me, that is what life and relationship is...seeing passed my own feelings, values, bias and trying to understand exactly where the other person is coming from. How many of us have had arguments/falling outs with someone that we love or are special to us (this can simply mean a friend) but we never truly hear or understand where the other person is coming from? So caught up in trying to be right, trying to convey a sense of pain, hurt or lose that we can't see the other person's point of view? So, to my readers, I ask this task of you. Take a moment, away from the constant chatter of others, and look at a situation where you may have hurt someone you loved, ended a friendship or simply the last argument you had, put your bias aside and try to view this situation solely from the prospective of the other person. Try to see and understand the situation through their eyes and try to understand why they said what they said, did what they did. After doing this, see if you owe someone an apology, see if the situation could have been handled differently. This may be hard task for some of us because we see every interaction as a debate and just need to argue. Only can see that when we argue that one person is right and the other is wrong, not simply that we both can be right (or wrong) but just viewed at different spectrum it seems different.

I try to live my life this way, I'm still a work in progress and is probably the reason I can apologize sincerely now. Time for work, hope all of you have a great day.

NFC EAST

2008-09-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

Its sunday, so if you know me, you know exactly what I'm doing right now...watching football. This will not be long or wordy, I will just pose a simple question. Is there a better division in football than the NFC EAST? Hell I really want to say in all of sports, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone. What do my football fans think (yes I want to hear from all 3 of you...lol)

ramblings of a hurt and confused heart

2008-09-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to get rid of the grey clouds that have been hovering over me for some weeks now, I've decided to give him what he has asked for. I wanted things to be different, wanted this to be it, but here I am.

I made a conscious decision to put some distance between he and I (don't know what to call him right now), decided not to pour my emotions out to him and put a hault to all the text messages that were being sent. Its not what I wanted to do, it hasn't been easy, but I think this is what he wants. The past couple of weeks we have done nothing but argue, I was making him unhappy. I'm tired of fighting and tired of not knowing what is going on.

Friday was spent with three of my closest friends. We went to our new friday dinner spot for cheap food and laughs and for the second straight week, we had so much fun we didn't want the evening to end. We headed to the city and the club. Wasn't big on the spot, but the laughs continued so it was cool. I didn't get home until 5:30 saturday morning. Saturday we spoke. Things seemingly went well, but the void I have been feeling is still there. So, I went to South Jersey to hang out with some friends. It was cool, nothing amazing. Now its Sunday, we have texted a few times but I don't know if this is helping or hurting.

So here I lay, missing the man I love, but unwilling to say or do anything about it because every out pouring of emotion has led to nothing but an agruement lately. I would say I'm doing all of this at the expense of my happiness, but when you truely love someone, isn't their happiness as important as yours? This is not time for a Vivian Green song,we have let each other go and returned more times than I care to admit. This is a put up or let go moment, because we are in a dangerous cycle of comfortability. I'm not going to pressure him to make a decision he is unready to make, really I just want some clarity on what is going on.

Some may say I should date other people, but I guess I have a different idea on relationships. I don't believe in getting in a relationship just to pass the time, I get in a relationship with someone I believe I can spend the rest of my life with. If I don't see a long term possibility with someone I will wither not committ to a relationship or if I'm already in a relationship, I end things. So I refuse to enter into a relationship to hold me over until he is ready.

All of that was said to say, I'm preparing myself for life with and without him. Trying to figure out what he wants, what will make him happy, how we can co exist. All at the same time trying to prepare myself without him. Trying to prepare myself to love someone else just in case things don't work out.

2008-09-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

I sometimes believe that I think or value things in life differently than a lot of people, so I'm going to pose some questions and I want to know how you feel.

1. Should your friend befriend your ex if they did not have a relationship (friendship) prior to your relationship with your ex?

2. Should friends date/mess with another friends ex?

Image

2008-09-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

Newark, NJ. After being frisked, handcuffed and escorted to police headquarters, for the third time in a month, Dr. David Harris was fed up. A graduate of Rutgers University, Princeton University and most recently, Harvard University where he received his Doctorate degree, Dr. Harris began a campaign against racial profiling and taking the steps to pursue legal action against the city of Newark and the state of NJ for the constant harassment he encountered by the hands of the Newark Police department. In a letter to his legal congressman, Dr. Harris wrote:

After working my way through school, achieving good grades and graduating near the top of my class at some of this country’s top Universities, I am still unable to converse with my friends without the constant, realistic fear that I will be the victim of this cities police officers vendetta against young African-American males. In the past month, I have been hauled down to the dungeons of this cities prisons like a common criminal, guilty of socializing with the very individuals I grew up with, my extended family…

Dr. Harris was actually arrested for suspension of selling narcotics and loitering. According to police records obtained by this newspaper, Dr. Harris and four associates were arrested on the corner of 18th St. and Clinton Ave., after detectives witnessed Dr. Harris’ associates dealing marijuana. In an official statement from the commissioner’s office, Newark police “systemically deny profiling based on race and Dr. Harris was arrested because he was present during the commission of a crime with known drug dealers. This department values the life and freedom of all its citizens, and views everyone equally, but we cannot and will not ignore criminal behavior because someone holds several degrees from some of the most prestige’s institutions in this country.”

After two weeks of investigation it became painfully care what was actually the cause of Dr. David Harris’s constant run in with the authorities of Newark, NJ. It was a Wednesday evening, 11:14 pm to be exact, and I sat in a van outside Melvin’s Liquor store located on Clinton Ave. in between 17th and 18th street. On the corner of 18th St. and Clinton Ave. stood five young African-American males, seemly doing nothing but conversing. Each male wore baggy denim jeans hanging just beneath their buttocks showing off their fruit of the loom boxers, loose fitting t-shirts, baseball hats and Timberland boots. Dr. Harris’ claims of racial profiling as the motivation for his incarceration seemed to be valid, the five men appeared to be guilty of only not letting go of their youth and socializing on a city street corner. The men did not appear to be loud nor did it appear they were interfering with any of the pedestrians that passed in front of them. Dr. Harris seemed to be right, even though he had a poor choice of networking site and his attire was that of someone 15 years his junior, he and his friends were not up to any bad deeds. But then it happened, a man passed through the circle of friends and I could see money and a package being exchanged between the man and one of Dr. Harris’ friends. The other four friends continued on with their conversation as if they had not seen the interaction, but they could not be blind to the exchange that had just taken part. Moments later, another man, then a woman, passed through the circle, different people, different friends but the same exchange took place. Dr. Harris never partook in the exchange of goods and money, but he was among those who had.

With all of his education, Dr. Harris seemed to have forgotten a simple lesson that our very first teachers have taught us, most of our parents constantly drilled into our young minds, “you are judged by the company you keep.”

just a preview

2008-09-01T12:45:00.001-07:00

So I've been going through somethings, been venting internally, to some people and getting advice. Even though I value the opinions of others, most people didn't really understand I just needed to vent, just needed to hear or let out some of the things going on in my head. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I haven't dealt with, refuse to deal with, avoid and suppress I just need to let the smaller things out so I don't have a complete break down. So that's what this blog will be, a release, I'm going to empty out something that is going on in my mind. I'm currently sitting in the barbershop waiting to get a cut, so I need something to do.

As a rational person I know what I should do. Know that the answer is in front of me, but I'm letting my heart call the shots and boy have I been paying for it recently. So the person in my life doesn't want a relationship, I knew that months ago and I thought we had an understanding. Something happened, somewhere something went wrong. Communication became one sided, he began talking in riddles and my mind began to run with the ideas of what was going wrong. He wanted to know what was on my mind so I told him, which led to pointless agruements that were meaningless because they were thoughts that were floating in my head, thoughts that I wanted to work out alone. When I tried to have the same conversations about what was going on with him, he answered in riddles and wanted to do the very thing he asked me not to do, deal with them alone. Now after a week in which a had a mental breakdown, a week in which everything I refused to deal with this year, new and old, broke me down and I said some hurtful things, I don't know where we stand. The uncertainity of it all is killing me. When we finally spoke I couldn't even get a straight answer to whether we were going to continue to work on us, try to go back to the way we were or call it quits. So I sit here thinking about him but unwilling to hit him up again because I don't know what my role is, don't know what my place is. Rationally I know what I should do, but I'm unwilling to let go of something that was 5 years in the making, something that made me feel so good. But then again that's another post that I'm working on.

So, empty, broken, uncertain and confused I sit here awaiting an answer from the only person that can give it to me. I know a relationship right now is not in the cards for us, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy what we had. Enjoy an exclusive friendship built on fun, growth and understanding. I sit here just wanted to get a straight answer, unwilling to make the decision alone, as I did before, only to regret my decision. Just wanting things to go back to where they were. Wanting him to say he misses me or loves me. Wanting him to realize I was in this for him and was ready to wait.

Moving on but continueing...some other people have approached me. Some I let go for the person I was just mentioning, one from further back and a new person. Unwilling to drag someone else into my crap I sat home all weekend. I was afraid to go out, afraid I would have done something I would have regretted, so I stayed in for the most part. Luckily college football was on this weekend so I had something to keep me grounded, something that kept me from hurting someone else or leaving them in the same state of uncertainity that I found myself in.

Can't wait for the weekend to be over so my mind can be on work and not a boy. Boys and love suck!

just a previews

2008-09-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

NEW BLOG

2008-08-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to write a story on blogger and instead of writing on this blog I created another blog. Check out my tale...A Blogger's Tale at www.abloggersstory.blogspot.com Leave a comment and enjoy a work in progress.

brief update

2008-08-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

Currently dealing with some family issues, not going to get into it right now.

Trying to write a part 2 to the short story I started in my previous post, think I'm going to create another blog dedicated to it. I will keep you posted.

Current mood: FUCK THE WORLD, DON'T ASK ME FOR SHIT!!!!

Started with a nod

2008-08-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

It was a normal day, the sun like myself, was struggling to rise to its full potential this early in the damn morning. I made my way to the New Jersey Parkway so I could put in my eight hours of work, ok five hours of work, at a dead in job that pays my bills and doesn't stress me out. Scanning the radio to find music and not talk, I look up and my eyes are focused on a plump ass. This short stocky brown skin guy was walking toward the bus stop. His short build reminding me of a back up point guard, thick strong calfs, big tight ass and strong arms. My eyes were fixed on his ass and legs when the unthinkable happened, he turned and looked right at me. I was caught, there was no denying where my eyes were fixed on, so I did the only thing I could, I nodded. He had a confused look, but figured I was just saying good morning since I had seen him several times before, so he nodded back. He was only 18 at the very most, but his 5'6 frame screamed sex appeal. I gathered my eyes from his ass and continued to make my way to work. During my forty-five minute ride I thought of tasting and palming his juicy ass, having his short thick legs around my waist as we passionately kissed. I was now fully up in every way you can think of as I pulled into my parking spot at work, pre-cum dripping from my manhood, soaking my H&M briefs and Diesel jeans.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I made sure I was able to wait for him at the light so I could watch him stroll to the bus stop. Ass and legs, a nod and a smile, images that led me to the bathroom stall at work. Friday brought a frown to my face as I thought about the four days I would have to go without seeing my new vision of joy in his basketball shorts. I had off Monday and Tuesday and would have to go without seeing my new friend. BOOM! The crack of thunder roared throughout my house, waking me from my sleep Monday morning. It was pouring outside and nature was putting on a light show that could rival any 4th of July firework show. I looked at my clock and realized my little buddy would be walking to the bus stop in this mess soon and I couldn't have that. I grabbed a shirt, put on my timbs, grabbed my keys and license and headed out to get my friend out of this mess. There he was, walking faster than normal toward the bus stop. "Yo, you want a ride?" It was Monday and I had no where to be so I could offered to take him where he needed to go and see how much of this young tender I could get to know. He paused for a second, looked around and just headed to my scar. There was no time to be shy, no one wants to stand in the rain, especially not this hard waiting on a bus and probably have to walk to their destination once they got off, plus I look harmless so he probably assumed I wasn't a threat to him.

"Thanks man."

"Don't mention it, where are you headed." I wanted to make sure he was comfortable before I started asking questions or giving my real intentions away.

"Kean University, you can drop me off at the Morris Ave. entrance and I can walk on campus if that's cool with you," his voice was strong, filled with masculinity, but he spoke better than I thought he would. I thought Ebonics would be his first and only language.

"I can drop you off on campus if you like, I have no where to be."

"Thanks. Have we met before?"

"I doubt it, I'm Jay. I was up doing nothing, and I see you every morning so I figured I would do my good deed for the month."

"Oh that's whats up. Thanks again, I would have been soaked." I thought about his basketball shorts being wetter than what they were, his white shirt pulling closer to his chest and I began to rise in my own basketball shorts that I had gone to sleep in. "I'm Jared, by the way," I let a chuckle out and hoped he didn't hear me. "What's so funny?"

"That's actually the name I used to give to people when I didn't want them to get my real name."

"Oh, so you like my name?"

"I sure do. So, what are you going to Kean for?"

"EOF program for incoming freshman. I'm a tutor. I'm in my second year and since I entered as an EOF student and did well, they asked if I could help out." Perfect, he is at least 18, no jail time today.

"Wow, that's great. What's your major?"

"Communication. You can turn right here," He pointed to the side entrance of the University, I was so busy talking to him I almost forgot where I was taking him. "I'm actually early, would you like to go in the cafe and grab a small bite to eat on me? As a thank you," his request seemed so innocent but I knew I couldn't stand up.

"Nah I'm good, but thanks man."

"I really don't want to go in the office just yet, I really don't like dealing with the old white women in their or the ghetto students as they make excuses why they don't have their homework."

"I don't want to be too forward, but you can chill here until its time for you to go, but I'm not dressed to go out of my car," I was hoping that I wasn't too forward but I did want to make it clear that I really didn't want him to leave me, not just yet, not without his number. He accepted my invitation and we talked for another 20 minutes about his major and sports, mostly sports. He was actually the third string running back for the University but knew his talents would not lead him to the NFL so he was trying to get his degree and get into broadcasting.

"Hey Jay, I really enjoyed talking with you and really appreciated the ride to work, but it's that time for me. We should do this again one day, most of my friends don't share my interest so I feel left out and never have anyone to talk to about football and school."

"That will be cool, here take my number and if you need a ride home and I'm in the area I'll come get you."

"Thanks yo, you are a good man. I'm glad I caught you looking at me last week," he started to laugh and gave me a sly smile.

"Wow, you knew?"

"It was obvious man, but I was flattered and your cute. So maybe I'll use this number for more than just a ride home." He slipped the tiny piece of paper I had written my number on in his cheap book bag and ran into the building. I sat back in my chair and just laughed, keeping my head facing forward so I wouldn't be caught checking him out again. NEW MESSAGE, my phone alerted me to a new text message: you could have looked if you wanted...thanks again man.

Regression

2008-08-08T03:59:00.000-07:00

Tired of feeling like a battered wife whose bruises exposing her husband's love the night before, I regressed back to my days before my sidekicks, before my cell phones, before my beepers and internet connection, I returned to the time when I was a little lonely boy who did everything by myself for a day and a half. I went to visit the husband at work and really felt like I was unwanted, and instead of making excuses for what I perceived to be his behavior (clearly there are always two sides of the story and even though I tend to look at situations outside of myself, I do recognize that my perception can be different from someone else in a situation) and some how taking part of the blame for what had happened, I decided I had had enough. I was a bit extra, but not to the extent of causing a scene. The end result was a day and a half of unreturned text messages, phone calls, emails and other non-work related communications from everyone.

In the big finale of my regression I did something I rarely do and something I don't think I have ever done in my life, I went to a late movie alone. Probably being 1 of only 10 people in the world not to have seen Dark Knight but have seen all the other batman movies, I decided would enjoy a movie alone. I haven't been sleeping this week so it's not like I was going to throw off my sleep schedule, plus it was an 8 o'clock show (I'm an early bird during the week, so leaving out of a movie after 10 is a big deal). I sat and watched the movie alone, and it felt great. I didn't have to worry if the person I came with enjoyed the film, if they were sleep or if me putting my feet up on the seat in front of me annoyed them, I was free to be me. I must say the movie was everything I thought it was going to be and a little more and I'm really leaning toward getting some professional help again because I find myself liking and identifying way to much with most villains (love the twisted Joker). *sidenote* On my way home, standing in front of the theatre was this phyne speciman. Lightskin, about 5'10-6'o feet tall, built like a wide receiver, wearing a white cut off underarmour (sp) (my sports fans know what this is and how it fits perfectly on each ripple of a man's chest and abs) shirt, basketball shorts and some sneakers. Is it just me or when you are going through something with the person you love the most, the person you fantasy about seems to pop up? Did I mention his light brown eyes? We exchanged flirtous glares as I sped off (I had to stay focus, if I would have lingered I would have gotten myself in some serious trouble and even though I was mad at someone I didn't want to step out on what we are building). Anyway, Its early and my mind is all over the place so excuse my randomness this time, I get home and head straight downstairs. Everyone at home has pretty much left me alone this week because they felt bad for me since I haven't been able to sleep at night and they know I can be a cranky bitch when I don't sleep. So I slept through the night. My regression seemed to help me because hell, nothing was resolved, still hadn't spoken to the "husband" and still wasn't accepting calls or returning text messages. But last night I slept in my old room (now my sister's room), stayed to myself and slept straight through the night. Now I feel refreshed.

I was thinking about blocking comments for this post knowing that most will dwell on the wrong part of this post, but hell, do what you do. Happy Friday!

Truth, Love and Glasses

2008-08-05T10:05:00.001-07:00

I'm back...it's been a minute since my last post, partly due to the fact that I haven't had the time to devote to a single post, but I need to get some things off my chest so here I am. If you have any questions about anything I'm about to say, need clarification on anything feel free to email me at jdavis07006@tmail.com for a quick response, just put jaysdistortedworld in the subject line or I will probably delete it thinking its spam. Of course those of you with my number can text me.

Truth
I've come to realize that most people don't want nor can they handle the truth. What they really want is someone to treat them like fucking kindergarten students and make them believe that everything is all nice and pretty. Well life isn't! What is the old saying, "truth hurts!" I get called an ass, asshole or jerk from time to time because when asked my opinion, ask for my insight, or asked why..., I give what is true for me. Believe it or not, it is normally flirted and what I'm really thinking is a lot harsher than what actually comes out of my mouth. "You can give your opinion without being so hurtful," I CAN'T. I don't want to leave any room for a misunderstanding as grey areas in life only lead to more questions and hurt in the long room. Plus, once again, life isn't pretty and nice, nor is the truth.

What I have done in a way to save the feelings of those who can't handle someone being honest with them is 1) don't give my unsolicited opinion. 2) avoid talking to them 3) ignore them at all cost. If someone can not handle the truth, if their therapist believes that my brand of truth is going to scar their already fragile psyche, then by all means keep it moving. If you don't want the truth stop asking questions you dumb fuck!

Friends and Lovers
As I go on in life I'm beginning to recognize that some single friends are not good for you and/or your mate when you are in or trying to build on a romantic relationship. Some friends want you to continue to act out and be a damn whore with them, in total disregard for what you have or are building. These friends need to be checked or released. I'm still unsure if their issue is they want to be with one of the individuals, are jealous they are not in a relationship or just plain dislike for their friend's mate, but the mate tends to look like the bad person because they can clearly see the friend for what he or she is. I have a good core of friends right now who like my "friend" and I know they wouldn't let me step out of character or do anything I wouldn't do in front of him when he is not around.

I don't see a lot of my close associates and friends, but personally I don't really see a problem with it. I know O is busy, D, brandon and Greg live to damn far (bitch you know I hate to drive, hell O is too far if he isn't at his mother's house), but that doesn't mean I don't care for them. I think most of them get it, but I know I had a long IM conversation with one person recently trying to clarify somethings up. I just don't see the need to be around my friends all the time. Sure, sometimes a friend needs to get away from their life, need to talk or just want to catch up, but to get me to drive, most people already know you have to be creative for this lazy man to move...lol. But football season is about to start so chances of chilling are going to be very limited (expect for you D, I can watch the game with you...lol).

Glasses?
I think I need glasses. Ok I'm pretty sure I need them, but I refuse to invest in them right now. My best friend has a nice pair that I looked good in, but I don't want to get any. No real reason why not, other than I hate going to the doctors of any kind. I know I'm probably going to have to go to the eye doctor before the year is out but like everything else, I'm going to put it off until the last minute. Nope, there is nothing you can say to make me go sooner, so don't bother. Really don't bother because I won't read it.

Ok I know this has been very random, but hell it helped me so I can care less. I probably will need to revisit one or more things in the future but for right now, I freed up some space in my head for other thoughts, so until the next time I need to free up some space I'm out.

Hood rule meets Freedom of Speech

2008-07-22T04:05:00.000-07:00

On my drive to work I caught a conversation on the radio concerning the beating of a young woman in New York. She is suing the designer of a shirt she purchased because it directly led to her beating. What did the shirt say? (Shawn don't read) Obama is my Slave. Four supporters of Obama were offended by the shirt and kindly took their frustration out on this woman. So the question was posed to the listeners, and I too will pose to my readers, who is at fault here? The woman for wearing the shit, the designer of the shirt or the girls who delivered the beat down?

MY ANSWER/VIEW
In short, I believe it is everyone except for the designers fault. That's the easy/short answer.
Let me first start off by saying that I'm not defending the designer or his first amendment rights here. Even though he has his own opinion, as my Logic professor once told the class, every one has an opinion, doesn't mean they are entitled to that opinion. Our opinions become dangerous not only to ourselves but to others who get caught up in the reasoning we have. If someone were to tell a child that the sky was brown, are they entitled to continue to tell that child that? Or should someone correct them because this child will grow up not knowing and looking like a fool? The t-shirt was done in bad taste, was done to get a reaction, stir the pot and let's face it, it did its job. The ow nest for me should be put on the individual for wearing such a shirt. In a place (she was in Union Square in NYC not some KKK wooded area) where you will come across minorities who still feel the pain of racism, the affects of slavery and are still looked upon as second class at best, someone of minimum education (she was a grad student) should have expected a less than positive reaction. She chose to wear this $60 t-shirt around, so she has to deal with the consequences.

I'm not trying to take away blame from the women who lead the beat down on her. Hell, hood rules state, someone is disrespecting your people you have to represent, and represent they did. It was noted on the radio and I agree, hood rule is what got most of the prisoners in jail locked up, because hood rules and the American justice system are rarely on one accord. Should they be arrested and put away for assault, absolutely. Do I think they did the wrong thing? Absolutely. Do I understand and feel some sympathy when they go to jail? Absolutely. It comes a time when we have to learn to use our words positively and take responsibility for our actions.

To wrap this up because I need to get to work, the designer is an asshole for printing up this t-shirt (heard there are more like it if not worst) but legally I don't think he is at fault. At fault was the idiot for buying the shirt and not expecting negative feedback and the animals who attacked her for her views instead of trying to reason with her (I guess they figured if they couldn't win an argument they would win a fight, also hood rule but also falls in the category of another rule, you figure it out)

Life update

2008-07-18T04:02:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged in a minute, but that hasn't been because life has been busy and/or complicated, I've just been enjoying the time I have remaining on this planet. I'm patiently waiting on the storm that comes because right now the calm is here. But those that know me well, know that I'm not patiently sitting still waiting as I lack patients.

RELATIONSHIPS

Where do I begin. This year has seen a change in my life. Somethings/people are still the same and are still very much a constant in my life. My older sister and my little brother (biological) are still two of my best friends. They embrace and love me for who I am, as well as enjoy the company of those I choose to enter into my life. I love them flaws and all, they are the best. My relationship with my twin sister is the same now as it was at this point last year. The scare of my death is over and we seem to walk around like strangers on the street at times. We have our moments, but those moments can be counted. My brother's girlfriend and I have gotten closer, if that is possible. We were buddy buddy before, but I think now she is almost on the level of my brother. She is my heart, a good person and someone I can just be around. It doesn't hurt that she gave birth to my niece. That little girl is going to be a handful when she grows up. I see so much of my brother in her already, not to mention she looks like him as a baby (not a female version, they look exactly alike!). Moms is moms, she is in a league by herself, as most good mothers are. She gets on my nerves, she babys me (not a word from the Husband, I don't want to hear it...lol), she treats me like a friend and in her own way, she pushes me to do more.

I don't really hang around the same group of friends as I did at this point last year, or I should say that I have limited my interaction with a group of friends. This is not to say that something is wrong with them nor do I have ill feelings toward them, its just been a year of growth and letting go. Being honest with myself, I just didn't think I fit in and trying to fit in was not benefiting me. I mean, if I was trying to git in with a bunch of Ivy League grads that's one thing, but being almost _ _ fitting in with frat boys is not the way to go for me. That was/is not a stab at them, but a statement of where I am in my life. I have developed a bound with Damnit, someone that if you would have told me when I met him some years ago we would be cool, not to mention friends, I would have tossed back a shot, ordered another round and had a laugh at your expense. but I've come to realize what I thought I didn't like about him, is actually the thing that draws us together. Our love, relationship with the truth and honesty, is the bound that seems to keep us together. His bluntness may come off a little aggressive and mean at times, but he only speaks the truth as he sees it, remains true to who he is and surprisingly, has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. Then there is O. The brother is smart! I really don't have to go on, but he is a great guy, always looking to improve himself and very caring, what more can I ask for from a friend? Mike and 'A' are still my boys, nothing there has changed, even though I might want to stop referring to 'A' as "the ex." I don't call him that to down play our friendship, but a statement of fact and as a memory to the other relationship we shared. We shared some great times and some trying ones as well, all of which has molded our friendship and helped me become the person I am today.

Then there is my romantic life. Previously, I posted that I was torn between two and as things would appeared to become less complicated for most people, the decision become difficult for me. But today, right now at this moment, there is no decision to be made. I've been spending my time with someone that makes me happy. Through the arguments and uncertainty, it is he who I want to be with and he who crosses my mind almost every minute of every day. This is not to say that the feelings I had for the other were not real or I was using him until I got to this point, because honestly I think he knew this time was coming, but this is to say that I'm in love all over again with a man that has grown with me for some time. Our relationship is been far from perfect, but being someone that doesn't believe in perfection anyway, I guess what we have had is perfect for me. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep or woke up and didn't think about him, nor do I want to. He spoils me which I'm not used to nor have I felt comfortable in the past being spoiled, but it is different with him. We have no official title/label, even though we regularly refer to the other as "the husband," but for right now its working for us. I want the other to stay in my life as a friend but a relationship with us right now can't happen.

JOB
I'm beginning to hate my job all over again. Its easy work, and coming off of heart surgery and still not 100%, this job is probably best for me, but I need more. I need more interaction with people, more of a challenge, but right now I'm settling for a job that will probably keep my stress level down. My co-workers seem to think that actually doing work at work is way to much to ask for and it is beneath them to do more than the bare minimum. I'm becoming to be overworked because our bonus is affected by the work the team shells out (top perform from a team gets more, but the pot in which we share from is affected by the work we put in). These idiots don't want to do work so they can force the company to give them overtime (which the company has taken and has granted very sparingly recently, I'm waiting for my verbal warning for going over 15 minutes last pay period), which in short means, they want to be rewarded for doing less than what they can do. I'm happy for a job and I'm not fucking with my money.

Let me get back to work before someone decides I'm not doing enough work. Hopefully I will be back soon.

Random bored post

2008-07-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, I started to write about my perfect relationship and what it would be like, however, in writing it, it sounded very junior highish. I'm bored right now. I should be working, but being the overachiever that I am, I finished my work for the day before lunch so I'm hiding before they give me someone else's work to do. I've just decided to blog about a few things on my mind. I'm not going to make this a long post but merely a few bullet points.

I had a pretty good weekend. I spent the majority of the weekend with the husband. Its great being around someone you are romantically interested in and can still be 100% yourself. We looked at guys and flirted with people together, played cards with both our family's, went to the movies and watched tv. Sure we weren't happy the entire weekend, actually pissed the other off at least once, but what's new?
I feel like I'm a bore. I don't really care for the clubs anymore, especially since I don't drink anymore and the city really isn't for me. I don't like to sit and watch movies (side bar- WANTED was pretty good, the action in that movie kept my attention). I think I'm becoming a tired old man! NO!!!!!!!! ('A' I don't want to hear it...lol)
I'm ready to move! My mother and I kept butting heads this weekend, hell for the last couple of weeks, and I know it is time for me to leave. Hopefully I will be able to pay off my car sooner than expected, buckle down on my spending and start saving to move. I wanted to wait until next year but an apartment is starting to look like a great Christmas gift to myself.
I was in another accident last week. It was completely not my fault. I was making a turn and this lady ran her stop sign and hit the back of my car. Minimal damage, I can't open the back door on my driver's side, but the check I'm supposed to get to pay to get repairs should cover the rest I owe on my car. I was trying to make it an entire year without a ticket or accident but that is now out of the door.
This weekend, the husband and I realized we have been dating/talking/messing around/friends for 5 years now and we have never had intercourse with each other. Seems kinda odd given our track record but it is what it is. The best part of it is, it doesn't bother me at all.
Speaking of sexual activities. I enjoy tossing salad, rimming or whatever you want to call it (i prefer eating but that maybe because I'm a fat boy...lol), I mean it is down right pleasurable for me. I don't think I'm good at giving head, bottoming isn't my thing even though I will try, but eating is def for me. Not going to brag and say I'm the best, hell I'm not going to say I'm good, just going to say I like doing it. Guess that's too much information so I'll move on.

Ok, so this break has been longer than I thought. I'm going to go back to my desk and see if I have any work to do. Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend and welcome back to work for those of you that are at work like me.

Stimulus checks

2008-07-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a quick post since I"m at work and my official break is almost over (those of you that know me know that I have more unofficial time than a little, yet all my work gets done ahead of schedule).

*sigh* I realize I will offend some people, this will come off shady as hell and to that I say in my best Mrs. Jones voice..."Oh Well!"

I have heard and read many people bitching about being short changed when it came to their stimulus checks. I'm confused and need the help of my educated readers on this one. How the hell can you be short changed on something that is not owed to you? How is it everyone assumed that they would get the max? Niggers (and I do mean niggers, this has little to do with race) are complaining about bills that can't be paid, phones that can't be brought, clothes that have to be returned, because their dumb ass can't budget the money they have instead of budgeting a gift from the government. Lets be clear, we did not earn our stimulus checks. Its like a teacher curving a test grade because everyone did poorly, you didn't deserve that B so don't complain because you wanted an A. I'm tired of the shit already! You need money for an extra pair of shorts, condoms for the little whore you fucking, hotel room for the jump off you have on the side, for the bill you forgot to pay last month, for the tip for the dinner that someone else paid for, here is an odd idea, get another job or stay within your means!!!!!!! If you want to complain about a fucking gift, give that shit to me or give it back because I will be happy with what I get you ungrateful motherfuckers!

This has been a message from the desk of public relations at Shade Entertainment!

I wanted to...

2008-06-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

I wanted to blog all week, wanted to talk about the nigger awards but decided many bloggers had talked about those awards, even if I didn't agree with most of them. The shit was very niggerish and the majority of the singers who attempted to sing sounded worst than hot shit smells. I wanted to blog about another bloggers ignorant and contradictory post on homosexuality. Wanted to blast him for his views that don't match up with his life, but who am I to judge? Those were his views, valid and real for him, hell maybe I was wrong on the subject (I'm not but lets say I am for agruement sake...lol). Wanted to blog about the celtics win, lakers lose and whether or not paula, oops, I mean paul gasol had to pay to stand and watch the game, but its been two weeks so why bring up the collapse of the lakers and the rise of the celtics. I wanted to blog about this notion that I'm hot tempered and irrational. Wanted to see if there was a reason people who know me think I'm going to flip out if they share something that went on while I was absent. I think I'm a rational person and handle most situations like a mature and rational adult. I wanted to blog about my sister and our relationship. Wanted to share with everyone that we haven't gotten closer as we planned but our relationship is still distant and unfair at times. I wanted to blog about my need to move out, forgo plans of saving up for my living room set so I could escape my current situation, but figured I would have to read a whole bunch of comments that would mean nothing to me. I wanted to blog about the loose mouth faggots running off at the mouth in secret about shit that they don't get/understand, but assume they know everything because they are secretly reading blogs (sidebar- I have nothing against our normal ghost readers, but some bitches are reading parts of shit and reporting shit back as if they got the full fucking story), but figured I shouldn't post about that because lets face it, I would have to give these pussys more credit than they deserve. I wanted to blog about so much but....but I'm blogging from my fucking phone and this shit is hurting my eyes. My sister did something to her fucking computer so I can't reach blogger, aint that some shit. LMAO

Back at work, bored, thinking and shocked

2008-06-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today is my third day back at work and I'm still not doing anything. I did make it into one training class but for the most part I have been chillin since most of my log ins for our systems don't work or have not been re-instated yet. Hell, I'm not doing any work until they work on my time card system. So basically I've been at work doing nothing. This is not what I want to do but I guess I'm getting eased back into the bullshit of work.

During my first day of work I spent the majority of the day chatting with my (Internet) little brother who lives in Maine. I love him like he was my own biological brother and when we do speak I always leave feeling good and motivated to do more with my life. During our most recent conversation I was shocked to hear about his new (not really new, just a clarification on an assumption I made) relationship. I was taken aback a little and it really got me to thinking. Since my near death experience, I've decided to try to get rid of all the "I don'ts" and "I won'ts" out of my life and just take people and experiences as they come, flaws and all, but he added a twist I was not even prepared for (I will get to all of that later). He is moving shortly and I think for my birthday I'm going to visit him. It will be the first time we would meet face to face even though we've known each other for almost 10 years now. Its crazy to think in ten years we have gone through so much, both have grown and traveled but never once met in person. I love that boy and I'm not shy about it at all. He is actually the first feminine guy I befriended and the first guy I knew personally who has dressed in drag and it not be Halloween, but even through all of that, it never changed how I felt about him. So, yeah, I'm thinking/planning my trip while doing nothing at work. I may go by myself but that's no big deal for me, even though I will be traveling to a state where he will be the only person I know. I will keep you guys posted.

Ok, the purpose of this blog was to ask my readers a couple of questions. As stated above, my little brother and I had a long conversation, a conversation in which he shared things that I didn't know or just assumed incorrectly that got me to thinking. So let me ask you, what would you do.

Assuming we are all HIV negative (don't know every one's status nor do I care to know, I'm not sleeping with you), would you date some that you knew was HIV positive? Second part of this question can be broken up in two parts. 2a) If you were in a ten year relationship, would/could you invite a third person into the relationship (we are not talking about a sidepiece, we are talking about three people in one relationship)? 2b) Would you allow that third party in your relationship if they were HIV positive and both you and your current partner are negative?

Confused

2008-06-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

I should be happy right now, should be looking forward to what is next in life, but I'm not. I'm stuck thinking about the what ifs, stuck thinking about the rational decision rather than making the right one, stuck fighting myself and my beliefs. *deep breathe*

I've wanted to be with someone for a long time, wanted to experience the ups and downs of a relationship, but I just haven't been able to find that one person to share my life with. I would come close, run once the reality of the situation became less than perfect, found a way to sabatoge every possibility. Now, after a roller coaster of a week I'm left confused. I just dont know what to do with myself. The rational decision is right in front of me, it is clear as day but I'm sure I would be making that choice for all of the wrong reasons. Then there is the wrong choice. I want to be with someone that gets me, that understands what I want. I want to be with that person that knows how to piss me off and make me smile with no effort. I found him, but can't have him. What am I supposed to do? Life has made our situation complicated and damn near impossible, but I can't help but want to spend my remaining seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and/or years with him. I want to fall in love again with someone else, but each day I find myself falling in love with him all over again. I want to remain his friend, just one of the boys, I want to move on with what is left of my life, but we keep finding our way back to each other. My brain wants to choose the rational choice, a guy that is perfect and would make someone very happy. But I stand at the crossroad of life, ready to sit and wait for death to take me so I don't have to make a decision.

I need to get up and do something, need to clear my head. I want a drink but will settle for a sign.

Sleepy, long, rambling, random post

2008-06-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind, some of the issues I have have worked them selves out but I still need to get these thoughts out of my head.

On Wednesday I went to court for my nephew, while there I realized a few things.
1. Kids no longer are ashamed of breaking the law. These little motherfuckers were high fiving each other in the waiting room as if it was the first day of school and they were seeing each other for the first time after an exciting summer. They bragged about what they had done and their knowledge of the legal system. I wanted to throw up.
2. Parents get mad at the wrong people. Most of the parents were upset that things were taking so long, ok they were, but as i told several of them, if your child wasn't in trouble you would still be in bed. It is not the courts fault there had to be over 100 cases in family court at 9am in the morning because so many kids wanted to show their ass.
3. My nephews sperm donor is a fucking idiot. He wanted to be a father to my nephew after being a drive-by-dad at best for the first 17 and a half years of his life, only to realize its not easy raising a teenage boy, especially one that is very rebellious. My nephew is a handful, I will admit that, but he refuses to question my nephew because he doesn't want to upset him, what the fuck!
(Ok, I shortened this first part of the post because as I was typing it, it was 2 pages and I didn't want to re-read it, so why would I do that to someone else?)

My sister and I talked for almost the entire trip there and back (about 5 hours total) as if we hadn't talked in years. I love my sister and generally talk to her briefly at least once a week. We talked about the men in our life, childhood issues we had (even though we have gone down that road), and the events at court. I love my sister and our relationship. While talking about my nephew and his "father," I had to point out that I thought she was wrong to bash him in front of my nephew even though we all shared the same view on him. I mean, those two (my sister and nephew) were going off at the hotel about how stupid he (my nephews father) is. She agreed with me and said she was trying.

I was supposed to spend time with the husband on Wednesday. His best friend was hosting /giving a lecture and we were going to go in support, but messing around with my sister and nephew, I didn't get home until the event was over. I informed him way before the event began so he would have time to plan his course of action. We hadn't agreed to meet up after, so when I got home I texted him if he wanted to do something. I was tired, working on only four hours of sleep, a little cranky, so I probably should have just called it a night, but I felt bad since we had plans and I canceled them. I got a slick message back from him that kind of added to my already bad mood and I responded with a very hurtful text. I wasn't going to apologize for what I said because it was not a lie, but it was definitely something that should not have been said or texted. Despite having an attitude with me, he still came over my house. He stated that it was to see my mother and play cards with her. We drove to pick my mother up something to eat, the ride to the store was silent. I'm not sure if we said anything to one another the entire trip. he got out of the car at one point to get chap stick and left me in the car. He was noticeably upset/unhappy which hurts me in the worst way. He knows this and it was his way of getting back at me. This is probably what our problem is...my mouth is horrible and I cut deep sometimes, which is something that hurts him greatly. I hate to see someone I love unhappy, especially when I'm the cause, regardless if I'm in the right, it hurts me. So Wednesday, we hurt each other. We still played cards with my mother and later another friend of ours came over and we played another hand (sidebar- phase 10 is a hot game).

Thursday Tony was still not speaking to me. He and my mother went to costco while I was with my new niece (that little girl slept the entire time I was there, I don't know where she gets that laziness from...lol). The three of us were supposed to play cards again but my mother claimed she was tired (I think she and Tony planned to give us some alone time to talk), then my sister came over and the four of us talked (actually my sister talked, we laughed) until the game (NBA finals) came on. We ended the night on a good note, left the events of Wednesday behind us.

Brief sports note: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE LAKERS? HOW DO YOU BLOW A 20 POINT LEAD? BOSTON IS A GOOD TEAM BUT DAMN, THE THIRD AND FOURTH QUARTERS THEY WERE LIKE VIRGINS THAT COULDN'T FIND THE HOLE, HELL A VIRGIN WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO AT LEAST FINISH!

I was reading someone else's blog the other day and they posed a good question: what do you do when you have fallen for someone but you are unsure of their feelings? It got me to thinking about my current situation. I keep saying I want to be in a relationship before my birthday but I have been dragging my feet. But why? Life is why. I'm a little gun shy, just can't pull the trigger. My past is holding me back, mistakes that have been made by me and others are forcing me to over think my decision instead of just going with it and seeing what happens. It has very little to do with the people that have approached me, my exs or friends, its really me and my life that is holding me back, but isn't that the case for most people? Oh well, it will happen in due time, just hope the "one" doesn't get tired of waiting and runs off.

Ok, I'm exhausted and most of this is not going to make much sense to anyone but me so I"m going to end this. I might re-blog one day on some of the things touched on here once I get some rest, but I can't sleep with all these thoughts running around. Goodnight

HEAT

2008-06-10T14:59:00.001-07:00

Ok, I'm going to start this blog off with a rant. For those of you that are offended by cursing, you may want to hit that back button now, because it is about to get raw...

I hate this fucking heat and all of you people that sat around during the winter praying for the summer to get here can take your ass right to hell. This shit is unbearable. Why is it so fucking humid and hot this week? Its the end of the fucking world. I can't breath, literally. Where is my 60 and 70 degree weather. Its not even getting that cool at night, what kind of shit is that. No, I'm not one of these complaining assholes who cry for summer during the winter and cry for the winter during the summer, I want there to be only two seasons...fall and winter. That's it. I'm moving, I don't have time for this shit!

Ok, I think I feel a little better now, I'm about to put some ice cubes in the tub (hopefully they make it to the bathroom), fill the tub up with cold water and sit in the tub until the water begins to boil (guess I'll be out in 5 minutes). Until next time...Fuck the Heat! Fuck the Humidity! and Fuck the Summer!!!!!!

Package Deal

2008-06-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of the sitcom Will & Grace, so while watching this weekend a question came in my mind. Grace's ex boyfriend, Danny, came back in her life briefly and left us with a look into Will and Grace's relationship as a parting shot at the two. Simply put he stated, "when you date Grace, you date Will and Grace..." That led me to this simple question with three different views/outlooks, what do you do in this situation? I mean, Danny was dating Grace, didn't really care for Will. Will is Grace's best friend and doesn't like Danny. Grace loves both her best friend and her man. What to do? For me the answer seems simple, but I know I'm normally the person with the conflicting views.

On one hand, I believe that Grace should do everything to keep the two separate. Sure, as an adult, Will can and would be respectful of Grace's boyfriend despite his feelings but why put him in the position to be around someone he knowingly doesn't care for. On those same lines, why put your (wo)man in the position to be around someone they are not comfortable around or who you know that doesn't really care for them? Just seems like a simple solution. However, Grace has the problem that those are the two people closest to her and wants to share equal amounts of time with them. ...Nope can't think about her side, there are 24 hours in a day (even number), 2 other people (even number), work it out if you don't want to short change anyone...lol.

So, what to do when there is a package deal? Having had this conversation with someone I'm talking to already and my best friend and I going through a similar situation, I think it is safe to say that I would avoid conflict. The two shall only cross when it is necessary for both to be around (birthday dinners and other special occasions), conversations concerning the other won't happen (unless its to bash them...I mean really, it can be fun and therapeutic...lol). I'm waiting on your response (yes, even you lurkers out there can respond anonymously, I don't mind).

Straight Eyes (short post)

2008-06-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that sometimes I am a little too straight minded for my own good. I constantly complain about not being hit on in public or non-gay affairs, I don't think I'm gorgeous or even a dime, I don't have a nice body or an ass that will make you cry, but I don't think I look bad, yet it always seems I never get the occasional attention while on the train (ok, I know I only get on the train like once a year but damn can I get a look then), at the mall or the supermarket. I have to sit through stories from this friend and that one about being hit on while on the bus, supermarket or hell even taking out the damn garbage. While at church on Thursday, one of the preachers was acting very friendly toward me, I paid it no mind, figured it was because I hadn't been to church in awhile and haven't seen him since I got out of the hospital. He stated that I looked good more than once, I blushed a little because it is always good to hear that someone thinks you look good, but once again, I figured he was talking about compared to how I looked the last time he saw me. At the end of service he waited by the stairs and asked for my number so we could "keep in touch." At first I thought nothing of it, he is a pastor and that's what they do. He texted me later: "it was really good seeing you at church today, you really look good." Odd. Now the wheels in my head began to turn and I thought he was doing more than just being a good pastor. I reached out to O to get his opinion since he had been at church with me that day. I was shocked to find out that he had gotten the gay vibe long before I had. Apparently, I look at things through straight eyes sometimes (not his exact words but what I got from it). I know I have the worst gaydar of any gay male I know, hell, my straight brother and his girlfriend can pick out a gay male before I can, but have there been times when someone has hit on me and I just didn't see it? Conversations I have had with "straight" guys about sports, were they more than just friendly chatter to kill time? Now I have to re-evaluate my conversations with co-workers, high school acquaintances and other strangers and figure out had I missed something.

My week so far...

2008-06-05T02:45:00.000-07:00

Its almost the end of another work week and I'm not going to bore the majority of you with talk of upcoming sporting events that will consume most of my time, but just know this upfront, NBA finals begin today and I will be in front of a television watching the game and my phone conversations will be limited to sports talk (not necessarily limited to basketball, but sports in general). With the end of the week and so much that has happen so far I found it very difficult to get a full nights sleep in, so I decided to blog a little, but where to begin?

Monday did not go as I had planned. I wanted to spend the day in bed or on the couch, in short, I wanted to rest, I had a busy and entertaining weekend, so I needed to relax. I figured I would get up early and deposit my check in the bank (sidebar- why can't we have direct deposit on disability checks in this state? I mean really, if I'm too sick to work do you really think I want to go to the damn bank?) so I could pay my rent on time and not worry about overdrawing my account once my car note was automatically taken from my account. with that out of the way early I figured I would rest. Well, the husband had other plans. We went to the mall after he tutored his sister and changed his clothes from work. I managed not to spend any money at the mall even though there was a pair of sneakers I wanted on sale. We then went to the city for dinner. There is a small diner like restaurant in the village that I like that we went to. I still don't know the name of the place even though I have been there countless times. We found a parking spot in front of the restaurant, which for New York, was amazing. We enjoyed a small dinner outside, nothing special, just enjoying each other's company, simple, the way I like it. We were going to meet some of his friends at the Village Underground for live music later, so instead of waiting there for his friends to get to the city we decided to walk to the pier. It was at the pier that we got a shock to our relationship as well as a good laugh. It was time to walk to the Village Underground (I wanted to walk, it really wasn't too far, but he really wanted to drive), we were talking and laughing, basically in our own world, no physically contact, just laughing when a guy yelled out, "nice sneakers." Tony turned and said thank you, innocent right? Well, the guy turns to his friends and says, "see there is a nice man, must people don't speak anymore, even when they are being complimented." His friends agreed and I thought that was going to be it, but then we hear, "you hold on to him, you have a good man there! Seriously, you found yourself a good man." I turned and said thank you, Tony looked at me and we tried everything not to laugh. Wow, do we really act like a couple? The Village Underground was great. Professional, semi-Professional and amateur singers sung along with a live band. Diversity was definitely apart of the decor, everyone type of person was represented in this spot. I had a good time and a little upset at myself that it has taken me so long to enjoy an event there. It won't be my last.

Tuesday was supposed to be another day of rest that didn't happen. I really didn't sleep well, waking up every 15 minutes or so it seemed, so when my mother opened the door to check on me at a quarter to 2pm I was a little shocked that it was so late. I threw on some clothes and went food shopping. The house was looking empty and I couldn't find anything to eat or cook and for a not so small brother that is a problem...lol. It was hot outside and even hotter outside so I really wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, especially since I really didn't sleep through the night. I unpacked the bags once I got home as quickly as I could so I didn't have to worry about anyone wanting to help (ok, I didn't want my mother helping because then she would want to talk and it was too hot for that shit today). After unpacking food, I made something to eat and sat downstairs with my brother and his girlfriend. I almost couldn't eat, she was in pain and it hurt me to see her like that. I love her like a sister and really enjoy her company and the last couple of days of her pregnancy were brutal. She went from walking around and playing with the dog to being posted on the couch in pain in the matter of two days. I wanted my niece to just come out so she could feel some relief and the heat in the house was not helping at all. She decided to go home and shower, feeling like the baby would come shortly and not wanting to be sticky once she got to the emergency room (I'm not going to say anything but really, who does that? LOL). I ended up going out to dinner with a friend. It was cool, nothing special, just good conversation about raising kids and making life commitments, you know...adult stuff. On my way to pick up O I get a text letting me know that my niece has finally graced us with her presence. I was so excited but our first meeting would have to wait since she waited until after visiting hours to pop her head out...lol. I went to spend sometime with another friend after dropping O off (O was on the way and I didn't want him walking home late at night so i offered to get him. I'm sure his stubborn ass would have taken a bus and been walking around Newark had I not offered but since I was going that way what would be the point?).

Wednesday started off weird. I had a very sick dream that I will not blog about in fear that someone will call the cops on me or try to have me committed to a Psychiatric hospital, just know that my dream did not involve any minors. I jumped up took a quick shower and headed to the hospital to see my new niece. O came along with me but unfortunately he was unable to come up and see the baby and the new mommy. My niece is/was in the Intensive Care Unit, she's ok but she was undergoing treatment for some disorder that escapes me right now. Liyah, my brother's girlfriend, wasn't in the company mood so she didn't want to see O even though she loves him (sometimes I think she likes him more than me). I did get a chance to see the little angel and she was as white as her parents (lol) with nice full straight hair. I got home, cooked something to eat (i thought it was for lunch but turned out to be my dinner) and then the events of the last 5 days took its toll on my body, I crashed on the couch. Tony stopped by and interrupted my sleep for a hot minute, he said he just wanted to see me. I get to his car and he is wearing my three favorite colors (loved the shirt he was wearing), he reached in the backseat, smiled and said, "I just wanted to give you this even though you wouldn't bring me anything to eat (he asked me to bring him something to eat while I was cooking for myself)," he handed me a bag of chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies, my favorite. I was too tired to smile but made sure I texted him later to convey my thanks and appreciation, especially since my sister was supposed to pick me up some and didn't. Back to the couch for so more rest, woke up to hit the treadmill and shower before calling it an early night.

Ok, so I have rambled on and on about my week so far, pretty much typed as if I was talking, oh well, it's my blog and I can do what I want...lol. This weekend is supposed to be very hot and I want to go to somebody's pool but I'm not comfortable with taking off my shirt just yet (hate the scar n my chest, it reminds me of everything I try to forget) so I will probably fight with my mother and keep the air on in the House all weekend (I'm convinced this chick enjoys passing out due to the heat because this house has been at least 85 degrees all week and she refuses to keep the central air on). I think I 'm about to clean my room so until next time...

My Weekend

2008-06-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that I had another glowing weekend. The perfect weekend being spent with just one amazing guy is no longer tops on my list, but spending the weekend with amazing conversation, laughs and welcome surprises is definitely my perfection right now. This weekend definitely fit and it came at a time when I felt blue almost all week.

Friday began slowly as most of my friends do have jobs, my mother was home and my bank account didn't allow for much spontaneity. My check came in the mail which was a shock since it was actually on time, I opened the letter and realized it was more than I was expecting. It wasn't an "Oh My God" amount, but it was still enough money to get gas in my car and with current gas prices the way they are that's saying a lot. It was too late to deposit the check (ok, it wasn't too late, I was just unmotivated and didn't shower yet, I mean really, why do anything before 2pm?) so I wanted to plan my day. I wanted to go to the mall to pick up some lotion and do a little shopping even though I really didn't have any money. The person I really wanted to go with doesn't drive and I didn't want to drive across town to pick someone up and then back across town to the mall, only to drive them across town once the evening was over, so I hit up my husband (Tony). I figured that I couldn't predict my mood and he was one of a very short list of people that could handle me when I'm throwing a childish temper tantrum, so he would be perfect. I showered, did some running around in the blazing heat while I waited for him to get himself ready. He took longer than he stated but I wasn't as annoyed as I normally would have been. We made it to the mall and realized we made a bad choice of malls, we did some sight seeing, picked up my lotion and headed to another mall to do our clothes shopping. I really enjoy his company and must admit his friendship is probably the biggest reason that I am still single today, he gives me everything I want in a mate other than the sexual contact.

After the mall we decided to get something to eat since we both hadn't eaten and became very bitchy. We picked up his friend and headed to Chili's for a quick bite to eat (I wanted to see the game so we needed to go somewhere they had TVs or get take out, there was no budging on that) before going bowling. Over dinner and while watching a good game 6 between the Boston Celtics, your new Eastern Conference Champions and the Detroit Pistons, we discussed the role of some of the prominent Bishops, Prophets and speakers on the Christian circuit. Church has become big business again and it is a disheartening to hear those who have or claim to have a calling from God manipulate the system to increase their bank accounts and expand on their overall wealth. The night ended on a sour note for Tony and bowling didn't work out since we spent too much time talking over dinner, but it was after midnight so who could complain?

Upon entering my house, my mother was up and seemed to be in a good mood, suddenly she started to walk through the house complaining about every little thing. I was already planning on leaving to visit a friend I was neglecting after I read the post I just wrote so she sped the process up. We watched a movie and I fell asleep, my body was worn out from the heat and all the driving I had been doing. The night/morning ended well and it was a race back home to get ready for Saturday with 'A' and Mike.

'A' decided to surprise us to an evening out, a "just because," thing. The plan was we needed to meet at Mike's house at 3:30pm and we would go from there, no other plans would be shared. 2:30pm I get a text asking if I could be ready by 4pm and 'A' would pick me up from home, no problem I said since I was still on schedule to be ready and at Mike's by 3:30pm. 3:30pm I get a text saying we are running late be there at 4:30pm. At a quarter after 5pm 'A' and Mike arrive at my home, upset because things didn't go as planned for a rental car they had planned on getting, but whatever. I didn't have an attitude, I was hungry but definitely in good spirits. We picked up the fourth member of our trip and headed to Atlantic City, NJ. During the more than two hour trip I slept. No one was really talking so I wanted to get some much needed sleep in. We get there and the surprise of the evening is revealed, 'A' treated us all to the Alicia Keys concert featuring Ne-yo and Jordan Sparks. I am not big on the girls but seeing Ne-yo was a big deal for me. I am in love with that man (don't care how anyone feels about his looks, style or music, you can go to hell...lmao). Ms. Sparks can sing but she is boring! The older people around us were getting restless while I searched for something to end my life with as she sang dull song after another. Had that been apollo half the crowd would have been sleep while the other half would have been booing. I mean you can sing a love song and not put people to sleep, damn I needed a bottle. Alicia Keys put on a good show but her voice isn't for me. I won't go into the negatives but she definitely put on a show even though she doesn't really do all the new dance stuff and moves like she is in her mid 40s and not 20s.

We ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe after the concert. The other restaurants in the Taj MaHal were either closed or the lines were crazy. I hadn't eaten all day so McDonald's would have done but no one else wanted to waste a trip to Atlantic City on food that could be brought just around the corner from our houses, understood. I mean who really travels over an hour and a half to eat food they could have just 10 or 15 minutes away from their home? We laughed and talked about nothing in particular, just enjoyed each other's company. Other than talking about the bipolar couple one table over I don't remember what we talked about, but I know there wasn't a quiet moment until the food came out...lol. The drive home seemed longer than the drive there but it was cool, my phone held up and I was able to talk to some friends while singing along with 'A' and the radio.

It is Sunday now, I want to call it a weekend, want to just relax but we will see what the weekend holds. Hope everyone had an interesting weekend.

Love Lost

2008-05-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've come to terms with why I'm single. *sigh* I was out today with a friend of mine, just enjoying his company, laughing and being myself and it hit me, among all the cute guys that walked by, in the crowd of possibilities laid the answer to why I am still single and haven't been on a real date in awhile. The answer hit me as fast as I had hit the ignore button on the phone call that came in, faster than the instant message I responded to and quicker than I ignored the last text message that came through on my sidekick. I'm single because I tend to put my friends before a possibility. By the time I'm ready to commit to someone its too late and I have done everything to push them away. *ugh* This is my life and I'm dealing with it. I realize I need to find a balance between my friends and "dates" but I just haven't figured out the right balance for me yet. Right now I think I don't really want to put my all into someone because I'm still not working and wouldn't be able to give to that person like I want (ok, I realize most comments will center around me giving time, but I want to bring more than just time to the table. Hell, time is all I've asked from some of my other dates or boyfriends in the past and I paid, but that's just it, I've paid. I want to be in the position to spoil someone the way I want to be spoiled.) so I'm shying away some. June is approaching, I'll be working again, maybe things will change. Maybe someone will understand me and stick it out until I"m ready. But until then I will continue to be happy with me.

I hope to post again this weekend, maybe sunday, about other things that have been going on recently but I have to run now. Sorry for the long run on paragraph...it happens. Enjoy your weekend

Code of Jay

2008-05-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a fan of the showtime show, Dexter and I thought in a tribute of sorts I would do my own code of harry. I code which I live by even though it may seem shady to some. Enjoy.

The code of Jay:

1. Never intentionally hurt those close to you. If you have to question your actions before you go through with them, consult someone or just don't do them, 9 times out of 10 you are about to do the wrong thing. These people also are your support system, which you will need.

2. Speak the truth. This is the only time you can hurt someone intentionally, but they need to know the truth and down the line a lie hurts a lot more. The truth also eliminates most drama in less than perfect relationships. If someone knows they are a jump off there is no confusion to their role.

3. Own up to your flaws. Be a man and recognize who you really are. Takes the sting away when others point out your short comings.

4. Apologize when you are wrong. Sometimes we make mistakes, but we need to own up to them and apologize, ownership is the key to maturity.

5. Consistency. Treat everyone and every situation the same. special treatment gets us all in trouble and allows a gray area in life. Most things in life should be black and white.

6. Stand by your word. What you say about someone behind their back, be prepared to say it to their face. Stand by your word. If you make a promise, give your word, stick with it.

7. Remind those close to you how special they are to you. Appreciate the people that understand you, because without them you may be lost.

Those are my codes I try hard to live by. I've done some questionable things in my life, but for the most part I've lived by these rules. I'm not perfect, nor have I claimed to be, but I do try to live by a certain code, certain rules. Pretty sure some of you are snickering right now, probably get some comments saying I'm full of shit, but we shall see. If you think your comment is private you can text me if you have the number or email me (I think its on my profile), until next time...

My Noah's Arc character is...

2008-05-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

For some time some of my friends have tried to fit their lives as a character on a show, try to pick out who most costly fits their character. One show in particular is Noah's Arc. Many of my friends love the show and try to see who fits them closely. I will admit that I really don't watch the show, hell, last night was the first time I actually watched an entire episode (actually watched the entire second season) because I thought the acting was poor and didn't think any of the characters were actually believable. Well it has happened, I figured out who I am. I have found my attractive, sexy, toned alter ego...you can call me "Guy" from now on. I realize I shouldn't want to compare myself with him, but you tell me what you think.

Update on my life and love

2008-05-18T09:44:00.001-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been great for me. I've had time to think, reflect, relax and just be me with no thought of anyone else. In short, I've just been me. I took a break from "the crew," to re find myself and the direction of my life, hang out with a new group of people and just be alone. I've been around more people recently that don't drink, which for me, at this point in my life, I really need and it has been a good experience. As stated in a previous post, I used to drink a lot but I have recently given up on the bottle for the sober life, so I'm trying to take this change on the same way an alcoholic would. I'm trying to stay away from temptation and find new things to do and even people, that aren't centered around drinking. I've been out to dinners, bars and bowling, places where there are an abundance of drinks, but the people I have been around aren't big drinkers so if someone had a wine cooler it was a big deal and a shock to the rest of the people we were with. I love it! This isn't for everyone, and this isn't to say that those people who drink are bad or immoral, its just change for me, something that I'm doing differently for me.

I'm still single and it is becoming more of a bother to me as the weeks go on. I met this great guy, well I've known him for a few years but out friendship has turned into something different recently. He is a good guy, but that seems to be the kiss of death for me. There is no fire, no passion between us and I'm wondering why I won't let myself be happy with a good guy. I mean he is everything I thought I wanted. He is smart, loving, caring, tall, handsome, masculine, has his own, constant, and employed, all the qualities I love in a man, but it just seems like something is missing. On one hand I think its my love for one of my exs (in this case Tony) that is holding me back, but that really hasn't stopped me before and I had this problem prior to ever meeting Tony. But blaming someone else would be easy, give me a quick solution to a complex problem that has been bothering me for years. On another hand I just think its me being afraid to allow someone someone so right to love me. almost as if I think that I'm not worth being loved the way I want to be. This guy is not without his flaws but the baggage that tends to make me want to stay around and deal with someone else's bullshit is not there, he really comes off like he wants to make me happy. I'm not ready to cast him aside because he does do the little things that make me smile and feel warm inside even though he has no idea, but I can't ignore the feeling that something is missing.

As hinted above, my feelings for my friend Tony has returned. We have had a strange relationship since we first met about five years ago (wow it may have been longer than that). We fight, we argue, but we seem to be the other person in the world that can deal with the other on their worst day. A relationship with Tony won't work right now for sure because he has a boyfriend and for the first time I actually don't dislike or have any ill feelings toward this one. He seems like a good guy (it won't work...lol) but I know something is lacking in their relationship even if Tony won't admit it. Tony holds a special place in my heart and I in his, so we give each other the quality time that we need. I can see myself with him, but I'm not going to push that issue, if it is ever meant to be it will happen, but I love our friendship even though it is keeping me from having a boyfriend (he knows why).

Shit, I have to run, on my way out with my best friend to celebrate his birthday. This birthday season has to end quickly because all these birthday dinners are killing me. Come August I just want a happy birthday text and I'll be good...lol

Monday

2008-05-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day for me. the weather was perfect, gray skies, cool breeze, high winds and even some rain in the morning, man I loved it all. I locked myself away in my room for most of the day, not wanting to do anything or be bothered with anyone else's life. I put my phone on silent and just enjoyed a lazy day. Yes, some of you would say that this is a sign of depression or a problem, but others will agree that space/ time alone is needed and even a beautiful think. Today was the perfect day for me. Everyone stayed in their own rooms in and out of sleep, watching their own t.v., giving each other their needed space. There was nothing wrong, no thinking being done, just relaxing, just being lazy. The weather was great for what I wanted to do today and I did exactly what I wanted to do...nothing.

Happy Monday all.

Tuesday at the Garden

2008-05-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

After attending Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige's concert, I have to do the mature thing and apologize for most of the negative remarks I've made toward Mary recently. Sure, she is still no Jill Scott or Tamia, but she is definitely better than the Mary of old.

Dream led off the concert with a surprisingly good performance. Vocally he was lacking, but lets give him credit, he is a writer by trade. What he lacked in vocal ability he gave the crowd in performance. He worked the stage like a true professional, I almost forgot he is a new artist. The older couple in front of us were unfamiliar with Dream even though he did all three of his songs that are currently getting spins on the radio and listed a few of the current hits that he wrote that are also being played regularly on the radio, but by the end of his performance the older gentleman turned asked us who he was, the correct spelling of his name and told his wife, "I liked him." Dream was not fooled and did not try to hide the fact that the crowd was here to see Mary and Jay, he actually made several jokes about it before introducing the dynamic duo.

The energy in Madison Square Garden was unbelievable. The Garden was packed, and everyone went crazy when Mary and Jay appeared on screen for a pre-recorded interview and the noise and energy only grew once they appeared on stage together. The love that was sent down toward those two artist was crazy, I don't know if I was them if I could have held it together and fought back tears. Mary was amazing. Her voice is not perfect, nor is it very polished, but in my opinion, she sounded better tonight live than she has in some of her CDs. Everyone sung along with her, at one point she just watched in total disbelief as the crowd sung an entire song without her. At that moment I thought she was going to loose it and start crying. For about a hour and a half she gave us her all and performed her ass off.

Jay-Z came out to cheers of Hova, Hova, Hova...unwilling to let the energy die down for a second he just kept banging out hits from his catalog. New, old, older and back again, he flowed with the live band, with the crowd and all alone with just a spotlight on. The man didn't have to do much for anyone to realize that he is the King of NYC! Everyone stood to there feet and rapped along with him and just gave him so much love. But when I thought the energy level could not get any higher, thought the crowd had finally hit its highest note, Jay shocked the world. "What do you want to hear next," he began giving us snippets of his hits that he hadn't performed yet, teasing the crowd with hooks of songs they desperately wanted to hear. He played a snippet of "Bonnie and Clyde," the crowd went nuts believing Beyonce would come out, she didn't. Seeing the crowds reaction he played a quick snippet of "Bday," stopped it and said, "no disrespect B, but I don't want to hear that shit." Then the diva herself walked out with her fiercest catwalk to date, the crowd went bananas. She danced a little, then left stage without a word. It was hot! Jay could do nothing but laugh and wait a moment so he could compose himself.

The entire concert was hot! Mary and Jay are definitely the King and Queen of NYC if not the hip hop world. They both had one special guest come out and perform with them (not giving away any details, go see it for yourself) that ripped it as well. I'm glad I went and experienced this first hand, because those of you who know me well know how I feel about Mary so I started not to go.

speaking my mind/speaking out

2008-05-06T03:04:00.000-07:00

It seems like years ago I was deep in my party and drinking days with no fear or care in the world. As life went on, I realized how my behavior was unhealthy. It took a near death experience for me to fully understand what I was doing to myself, realize that my actions did have consequences, whether that be immediate or down the line.

So here I am, looking at my past in the situation of others. Let me go back a little. I used to drink and drink heavy. I don't think a lot of my friends now know the extent to how much I used to drink. Sure they have heard stories but to be around during that part of my life, to actually see how bad things were is another thing. Sure people have seen me drink, even get drunk at parties but that was nothing. During my work week, my day ended with me having at least a tall glass of Baracdi Gold and orange juice. My day offs would begin with a drink and normally would end with me driving home drunk. I was very functional and many times people didn't know that I had had a drink or three (why have 2 when clearly I could handle another?). I started drinking at work (ok working with kids is very stressful and I don't smoke, give me a break) and didn't see a problem with what I was doing. I wasn't hurting anyone. I totaled my car but blamed the weather on my accident and not the 5 drinks I had at the club that night. I didn't have a problem at all, because when you partied with me the party was where ever I was, yes, there was always a bottle in my car. Where were my friends telling me to slow down or I may have a problem? Normally, they were right next to me. Should someone have said something to me about my $120 a week habit, warned me about the long term effects? I'll let you answer that question, by posing this one, if it was crack wouldn't you expect a friend to check you?

With that being said, I see some friends going down that road that I was once driving down. Claiming to be a social drinker but still drinking alone when there was no one looking. So instead of sitting around not doing anything, ignoring the pink elephant in the room, I will say something. Tell my friend to slow it down. I'm not saying you need to stop completely, hell, I'm not even saying you can't get drunk at a party once in awhile, but I will say is this:

1. Know why you are drinking? Drinking to avoid your problems only enhances your problems and most of the time creates more problems.

2. Drinking can become an expensive habit.

3. Not remembering what you did the night before is not cool, its stupid.

4. You are no longer a social drinker when you begin drinking alone.

5. Finding social events so you can drink, does mean you have a problem.

6. Life is short, but that doesn't mean you have to make it shorter.

Well I'm done for now, blogging from my phone is killing my eyes.

blah blah blah relationship talk from my phone

2008-05-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

The weather has been simply amazing these last couple of days. Cool and sunny or cool and gloomy, either way I love it. These are the days I love. Days in the fall when the tress are changing colors, a light jacket or sweater is all that is needed to stroll around the park, nights laying next to that special person watching nothing on tv while talking about bullshit. Its spring in NJ and mother nature is feeling fall right now. But like mother nature, I need to let go of fall and spring foward to something new.

I don't want to make any more changes to myself in fear that the complete me will show out. I feel like jean grey sometimes, feel like I'm in a constant fight with myself to hold down the dark Phoenix within. I come off as an asshole or jerk sometimes because I am very opinionated and don't like to back down when I feel as though I'm right, however, the true wrath of my mouth and views are rarely seen or heard. But anyway, I ran off subject, let me go back. I want to be in a relationship and I think to do that I need to start over rather than look to the comfort of loves once had. Must of my reader are aware of the story of 'A' (not going over it again), we are cool, definitely want him in my life but as he and I have discussed a relationship between us won't happen, which I'm ok with. Then there is Tony. I've known, dated, messed around with Tony long before there was an 'A' and he is still around. Love him to death, but right now a relationship with him can't work, but like 'A' I want him in my life as a friend. I say that almost to remind myself that I can't have them, but also to move forward. Its easy to keep running back to that which is comfortable and known. Don't get it twisted, if the right situation presented itself with either of them and I'm still single, there will be a post on how I'm giving them a try once again...lol. But since that's not going to happen, I think I want to start fresh and meet new people. I want to deal with someone different instead of someone from my past. I don't believe in the perfect guy nor do I have an ideal type, so I'm going forward to the unknown toward my sunshine. Wish me luck.

Sudoku

2008-04-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

Hi all, its another weekend and after a great weekend I feel as though I should be blogging about everything that went on, my feelings over the events of this past weekend and some changes I have made over the weekend, but I'm not. Just know that I had a pretty good weekend and this week is starting off pretty well so I hope to keep that going. This is going to be a strange post for me as I am going to post about a game I have fallen in love with.

Sudoku. Those of you familiar with the game know that it can be nerve wrecking at times trying to complete the task in front of you, but the joy of completing that task is great! I wanted to print out a copy of the game from my local sunday paper, but all I know how to do on this blog is write. Picture a large box with 81 small boxes within it (a 9x9 box). Within this box, the numbers 1-9 must appear only once in every row, column and 3x3 box. At first glance I thought this was going to be an easy task. How was I mistaken. I wanted to be fast and just throw numbers in random boxes and figure it out that way, yea that clearly didn't work. A hour and a half after starting what I thought was going to be a simple game, I was done. It took every bit of stubbornness within me to figure that puzzle out. I realize that those out there that have above normal intelligence (hi O ) probably will have no problem with this box, but for me, someone of average intelligence at best who had to work hard to achieve good grades in school, this posed a slight challenge. Being a logical thinker and unwilling to stop before I solved the puzzle I got it, but boy did it take everything in me. I challenge you guys to find a Sudoku game online, print it out (you might want to print out more than one copy and have a pencil nearby) and see how easy it is for you. For me, I'm about to find one before sunday.

Happy and Ready

2008-04-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

Its late and once again I'm blogging from my phone, so please excuse me if I miss spell any words, use the wrong word or my grammar is off.

Life is good. At times I think I'm just telling myself that things are good so I would believe, so I could speak my good times my miracle into exstance, but things are actually good. I'm happy with me, happy with life and have come to a certain level of expectance with the cards I have in my hand. Sure things aren't perfect, but when is it ever? I'm smiling and really laughing again, no more faking, I'm happy and at peace with life.

I'm single and I'm not sure if its the weather, loneliness or I'm really ready, but I think I want to begin the process of allowing someone in my life, allowing someone to love me. This is not going to be a rush job, I come with baggage, some small some large, so I need to know that the person that chooses to share in my life is ready for all of me. Its easy to love the good, the happy and the fun parts, think the sun within another is the completion of your world, see your chicklist of wants and realize this person meets all your wants, only to find out the clouds exist and there is another side to the paper. I want someone that can handle my mouth, the harshness of my words, but what I need is someone that understands the silence and can adjust accordingly. I want someone that will spoil me, make up for what I'm lacking finacially, but what I need is someone that will allow me to treat them but also check my spending habits. I want a strong man, a "man's man," but I need someone that is soft and willing to let me hold them.

I'm happy, I'm single and I don't think those two have to necessarily have to exist apart. I'm ready to put the want ad up again and see if I can get it right with someone new or someone old. I'm happy and ready.

long and funny-drag queens

2008-04-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

On monday April 21, I traveled to asbury with Omar and 2 others to support our friend Tyson. Tyson was performing at a bar which was also having a drag show. I'm not going to bore you with our car conversation, even though we had fun in the car, this post is about the queens. I can't remember names so I will apologize in advance and I won't talk about the three good performers (one was a friend of Tyson...work bitch, you did your thing and those people were hating for reasons that were obvious to us), but don't the bad always get the attention?

First there was the host with the most and by most I mean the most stomach in that place. This tired white trash elephant was done. Her show could only be described as tired and I'm still trying to figure out what was worst, her performance, which she barely finished because she was out of breath, or her outfit which looked like a bad cut up table cloth. The people in the club ate her performance up as if she did more than just move her fat fingers. When she sat down and hosted the show, yes she hosted the show from a bar stoll, she was pretty funny so I will give credit where its do.

Tyson's friend performered next and as stated before, did her thing but the crowd paid it, guess they didn't know what talent was. Then came Tine Turner on crack. This bitch made whitney look like she needed weight watchers. I turned to O and asked, "he couldn't find a dress to feet him?" The girl straightened a mop, dyed it red, stole a cocktail dress from easy pickens and tried to work it. She wasn't that bad, but was nothing to look at.

The next performer was no better, apparently she not only was on the same diet as miss tina but stole clothes from the same store. She was all over the place and tried to flirt with the crowd, a mess! Which brings us to her name, I'm sure it wasn't her name, but it sounded like they said her name was, "such a mess." Whether it was her name or not, it fit and that's what we called her for the night.

But last and definitely least was Guile. This drunken bitch looked like the drunken child of Guile from street fighter and Britney Spears. This drunken mess was all over the place. I was embarassed for him. He is the reason why performers should not be allowed to drink. Tripping and falling all over the place. This bitch definitely took after her mother (if Britney was her moms). Can you believe this chick actually wanted to bring her beer up on stage with her. A hot drunken mess! And what was the first thing he did once he was done? Straight to the bar for another beer.

Fun night!

I need more

2008-04-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Despite the post below, I'm actually in a good space with my life. Sure nothing in my life is going as I would like it, but I have adopted a go with the flow attitude. I'm trying hard not to let anything get to me, just enjoy this life that I have. I want to make some changes to my life that will be hard, but I think are necessary because I think I have stalled. I want to feel happy all the time and feel like there is a balance of give and take with those around me, right now I feel content and unfulfilled. Once again, life is pretty good, hell, being realistic, I could be dead or still in the hospital right now, so each day for me is a blessing and I"m not going to complain. However, I want more or something different than what has become the norm. I'm not a big party goer nor do I really enjoy the club scene, alcohol used to help with my enjoyment there but I've decided to give that up. Now that may come as a big surprise to some, but its very true. Don't get me wrong, I can have fun in almost any social situation, but its not what I want.

The plan for this year is simple. Do things out of the ordinary, break out of the box and experience life. I plan on getting out of my comfort zone and travel on public transportation more, this will probably save me money as well as allow me to go visit places I would normally refuse to drive to. 1) I will attend some sporting events. Because the majority of my friends are not sports fan I have gotten away from attending sports events and I miss it. There was a five year period when I would go to a football game and two yankees games a year, and that was on a low year. I can't remember the last professional sporting event I went to. So if this means I need to venture out and make new friends, well I'm going to have to do that. 2) I want to go to more museums and plays. I really don't think I have the money to attend a broadway play with big named stars, but there are more plays out there than just those with the bright lights of the city. I want to sit and watch a painting, let it move me, picture myself in the running colors like I used to do when I was younger. 3) Eat out at better restaurants. No more Fridays, Applebees, Ihop, Ruby Tuesday's etc. as a 1st, 2nd or even a 3rd choice. I want to eat Indian food again, Thai, vegetarian, Ethiopian (had it before and it was great). 4) I will become better with my money. This should be the goal for most of us but I know I fall way short. I get a little depressed and I spend. I spend on food, clothes and others just to make myself feel better. I need to save because I want to move and I want furniture at my new place the same time I arrive not a month or four later. It may be difficult for me to actually follow through with all of these goals, but now I have an idea of what I want. Its going to be hard to do the first 3 and do number 4, but where there's a will there is a way.

I'm going to end this because I'm trying hard to shorten my post. Until next time I leave you with a question: Are you happy or content with your life?

A frustrated Vent

2008-04-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

For the first time in months I'm horny and lonely. Oh my god, it took me so long to find the right words to express that. After trying to write this blog three times I figure the straight forward Jay approach is going to be best. I've been single for about 9 months now and without sexual contact with another person (I've masturbated) in almost that amount of time. This really wasn't an issue for me. But now I'm looking at all the failed aspects of my life and I'm amazed that I actually put these two in the same category with other failures I have. Yes I'm young and I still have time, there is a guy out there for me, blah blah blah, save it! I don't remember who I am at times. I'm not the same person, I'm not the person I look in the mirror and see nor am I the person I write about, I sit alone and wonder who the hell I am. I realize that this is partly due to me being out of work and having very little to do with my free time, but something in this life has to give. -Back on track, sorry about that- So I have been extremely horny lately and thoughts of fucking with every dude I have come across is getting bad. I'm back to my college days when I could masturbate to the morning news or the tree branch blowing in the wind. Yes, it is that serious. I turn on porn just for the sound, get depressed, bust a nut and wonder who is around to give me head. These urges is a huge part of why I'm avoiding sexual contact right now. I have to control my urges and not let them control me, that's the true measure of a man to me. I just wish I had a companion, not friend, to share in this with me. oh well, life goes on.

I Me Mine

2008-04-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

When does I, me, mine turn into we, us and our in a relationship. It appears that the togetherness of relationships have gone to the way of the selfish needs of the individual. If my needs are not met then I'm upset, no matter what your reason is. This is my money and if you don't have your own then I guess I will see you when I get back. This is my goal for life, live with it or leave. Have you ever caught yourself living with these words? Have you ever alienated a friend or love one because you only see the I me and mine? When does a relationship become about the us and our needs? When do our needs and goals transcend those of the individual? Aren't relationships, whether we are talking about a friendship or romantic relationship, about the merging of two souls, two wants to become that of the we, us and our?

I guess the superficial soul will only see a giving up of one's self, a change in their own personality to join the we, us and our, but isn't that the point. When we merge its because we are lacking something within ourselves that someone else can complete. A yearning for completion, to feel whole. Don't we think our single friends are incomplete because they are without a mate? For my religious people out there, don't we seek God because without him we are incomplete and empty? So yes, we are giving up part of ourselves for a better version of ourselves, the We, Us and Our that we need. Just a thought.

Just me....

2008-04-06T04:53:00.000-07:00

Even though its almost 4 am on a Sunday morning in April and I should be sleep, I plan on staying true to myself and my blog. I will do what I normally do on my blog, I write what is going on with me.

I can't sleep and even though this is troubling because I realize something is wrong, I'm fine. I've come to terms with things that I can not control along time ago and I just continue on living. Now, what is troubling me is the Final Four game between North Carolina and Kansas I saw yesterday (Saturday). I knew it was possible that North Carolina could lose, I recognized Kansas as the most complete team in the tournament, but never did I think my Tar Heels would fall the way they had. With the energy of a marathon runner and the speed of a sprinter, Kansas ran up the score on a helpless shot potter in the wrong game. After three minutes of play, i wondered out loud, did the Tar Heel players and coaches realize this game had started and this was not a best of 5 series? Each player was out played by their counterpart and the Tar Heels seemed to be playing 1 on 5 basketball on offense. No one seeked helped from their teammate, instead tried to take the game over by themselves. The game was over before the second half and the powerful number 1 was out of the tournament. I will stand by my earlier prediction, the winner of the North Carolina and Kansas game will win the title, so go Jayhawks.

Over the weekend I attended a party and was quickly reminded why I never wanted a birthday party of my own. Maybe it is my own misunderstanding of social norms and customs, but I truly believe it is the obligation of the host of a party to ensure the enjoyment of all of those who attend. Sure, you can not please everyone nor be everywhere at once, however, laying the foundation of enjoyment for all is key. This is not a burden I want, mainly because as I got older the only enjoyment I felt obligated to was my own and I also didn't believe I had the skill to breath life into a party. A host is supposed to ensure that everything is perfect for his or her guests, a job that is thankless and normally every stressful. As a child, even as an adult, I never wanted my family to be the host family for family events or birthday parties because I didn't want to be burden with the cleaning, cooking and socializing that goes into a successful party. As the party went on and I saw sober boredom turn into drunken madness, I realized that those that stayed were not enjoying themselves but the liquor and the anticipation of something better. They stayed out of loyalty to the host and/or to the bottle. Unfortunately, some stayed because their ride fit into the categories above. I drove myself, but all other categories I would have to say I'm guilty as charged. Be I continue I will say that my enjoyment comes in the enjoyment of my friends and close associates so I was just fine. The problem is not all of those in attendance shared my plain life. The screams of boredom and frustration on the faces of many of those in attendance alarmed me but seemed to go unnoticed once again by those who hosted the party. I tried to make small talk and make myself available to those who sat blankly searching for signs of life in a party that they had deemed boring and uninteresting to them. What would I have done differently? I know that's the natural question to be asked, the honest inquiry of improvement or angry retort to the realization of truth. Honestly, as stated before, I don't like parties, especially those hosted by myself. I would not have had a party, but that is just me.

I will post again soon, I don't want to overload and completely alienate my readers. I will leave with this final thought: freedom is freeing but almost always comes at a cost. What are you willing to give for your personal freedom?

Just a post

2008-03-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about what I want to do for a career and this has become difficult for me. For those that know me on a personal level, know me outside of my blogs and the occasional party, probably would say that I should go into teaching or some type of work that has me working with kids. From the outside looking in, they would be write. Despite my yells that I don't like kids, I genuinely do and like working with them, I just lack the patience to deal with them at times. I'm caring and a good listening, qualities that would make me a good teacher, but I'm not sure its for me. I tried teaching and I don't think I was a bad teacher, however, I knew it wasn't for me. My frustration with the lack of accountability got to me. Educators weren't accountable when they failed to probably educate our youth. I had several 8th grade students that were unfamiliar with their 5 times table. Parents aren't held accountable for helping to prepare their children. They make excuses for their children, allowing them to slack off and do less than the minimum in many cases. The students were allowed to continue on to the next grade without "making the grade" in their current studies. It was a fight to keep students back a grade even when it was clear that they hadn't mastered the lessons of their current grades. Hell, I had a student that only passed one of their major subject classes (we switched classes so I was not the only teacher this student had) and we had to get permission from the parent to hold the student back. I gave up. I hate quitting, but the system is not designed for success (in the case of our students) but to pamper their fragile egos. I'm not going to make this a long post about the education system and the flaws I believe that lies within it, but I know I can't go back to that.

After teaching I went into working in a group home. That was cool but definitely was in the wrong place. I did enjoy the work, gave a lot of myself and received little back from the kids that were in our care, but I felt like I was doing good work. I was doing good work I should say. For the most part group homes like the one I used to work at are located in South Jersey, so i would have to move down there. Working in a group home as a counselor would probably be the job that best suits me, however, I'm just not sure I want to move to Southern Jersey. I do know that physically I'm not ready to go into this field, but that will change soon. Working with adolescents I know I need to be ready to run or break up fights so right now most of you know that I shouldn't take on this job.

Enough about that, so I realized that I'm one of those people that really need to be in a relationship. Ok, let me re-state that or at least try to explain. I don't need it, but I do enjoy being in a relationship and sharing apart of myself with someone. Enjoy the companionship that you get with a relationship. Sure you can get companionship from friends and even share yourself with your friends, but its different. No, I'm not talking about a relationship based on sex or one that holds sex high, I'm talking about a relationship that is more like a friendship between two people. With that being said, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Oh well, life keeps moving.

Tar Heels are inn the Final Four....Life is great.

Sports and more

2008-03-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'm upset, why can't I watch a complete north carolina game? Is it really their fault no one can keep up with them and they are busting everyone's ass? Yes, if you haven't noticed I'm a big sports fan and with the ncaa tournament in full force I'm loving it. I love the Tar Heels and they are running through everyone they have faced. I mean last night's game was the closest game they have played and they won by 21 points (ok they only played 3 games so far). The bad part is, once they are up by 12 points, the networks switch to another game. Ty Lawson is not the best guard in the country to me (I think D.J. Augustin of Texas is the best overall guard) but he might be the quickest guard I've seen since A.I. or Steve Nash. Let's go Tar Heels!!!

Baseball season is starting very shortly and once again my Atlanta Braves will find themselves as underdogs in the National League East Division. The Mets and Phillies are being scouted by most analyst to go 1, 2 in the division leaving my Braves to be number 3. The Braves are used to this and I hope that their pitching holds up this year so they can make a strong run at the division title and then the world championship. I know we gave up on Andruw Jones (people say we look a like, maybe we do, but I think he is cute.) because they couldn't afford his contract demands, but the braves still have a strong line up.

I can't wait for football season to start. My cowboys are trying to acquire pacman jones. Oh, he will make our defense solid, better, but can pacman spend more time on the field than in the police station and strip bars? Sure many "trouble" players have come to Dallas and have had great careers with Dallas (can any one say Deon Sanders and T.O.?). Let's see what happens.

I'm in a great place right now, sports are going great and I'm happy. I'm a sports junkie. I haven't slept very well during the night but who needs to sleep at night when you can do it during the day...lol. I'm still holding on to my no dating and no sex (go me). Yes I have given in to masturbation but thats only because wet dreams are so messy and cleaning takes up too much time. I'm off to dinner now so I will catch up with all of you later.

part 2

2008-03-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your patience, guidance and forgiveness.

I’ve always known you were apart of my life waiting your turn to shine and show how much you were in control but I just needed time. When my father died and I broke down at the funeral, of course I said I didn’t know where those emotions came from, amazed at the tears that flowed from my eyes, but I knew you were there trying to help me through my tough time. When I was young I wasn’t always sure of your love, only recognized the pain. The pain was great and I wanted the hurt to disappear, unfortunately, you seemed to disappear with the pain. There was never a happy medium for us, either you were there completely or not at all. Without you trying to be a force in my life I was able to deal with death and rejection and focus on life. At least that’s what it seemed.

During my college years I did let you in but I did it in my own way. I kept you close when I went to work because you held a light that I never could hold. The children loved you, your kindness soothed them and they could sense that you were pure and genuinely cared for them. I would have never survived those hot days without you by my side with those kids, it was then I knew you completed me. You were never what I wanted but through time I realized you were what I needed for balance. But keeping you in my life full-time was too much at that time and I needed more time before I allowed you to stay.

But you were right, I did ignore you. Even recently I tried to ignore my feelings for Antwan, ignoring the lessons you tried to teach me. I pushed you away and tried to do things my way. The pain that was caused by my hard headedness was great, you normally forgave me with no repercussion which helped me continue on, but I guess you finally had enough. Your lesson was heard loud and clear, you left me completely twice and without knowing I destroyed a piece of you. Sure I have my battle scares and I may have lost Antwan forever, but now I’m doing things your way or at least I’m trying.

You are right, but I’m still a work in progress. I’m learning how to deal with life with emotions. I’m learning how to encompass caring and love in my every day life. I’m making mistakes, but you will be a bigger part of my life.

Learning,

part 1

2008-03-25T00:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Writer,

You may not realize it but I have been around all your life, watching you grow into the man you are today. You tried to ignore me, abused me and most recently taken a piece of my very being, but I’m still with you.

When you were younger I don’t think you knew I was there while you cried alone in the closest, feeling like you were an outcast in your own family. The darkest space could not hide you from me even though you thought no one could see your pain. Think back to the night when your Grandfather died, you thought it was just strength that got you through that difficult time, and yes, you were strong for those around you, but I was there also. I held your brother when you were weak and couldn’t go on. I was your strength to go on and I don’t plan on leaving you now.

During your college years you knew I was there but just didn’t care. I watched silently as you pushed lovers and friends out of your life without a care in the world. Relationships for you back then were like scrap pieces of paper, great for a moment but once their use was complete they were thrown away and forgotten. I tried to make my presence known, let you know that I was the one that would keep you going, but you just turned your back on me and left me to watch you from a far.

Even now you try to fight me off and deny that we are one, but I’m still here. You try to deny me, but my presence has grown in your life. When you hurt, I cry, we are one. We even spoke about your love for Antwan and how it won’t die, but instead of listening to me, you try to solve things on your own. You bring in others hoping they will give you the answer you want, silence my advice, but you only hurt them and yourself. Will you ever listen to me? Take more time, I’m not going anywhere any time soon.

I love you and will always be apart of your world,

2008-03-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

Not sure where I heard it from but someone said "life is what you make of it." I guess to a certain degree that's truth. Things have been ok lately. I've been sleeping during the day and awake all night, which I used to love, but I'm finding that there is little on television that is entertaining to me anymore and leaving out the house just isn't happening. I was driving for a couple of days but think I pushed the issue, because my shoulder has been hurting (right where I had one of my surgeries), so I have given up on driving. I've been secretly blogging a lot lately...let me explain. I'm back to typing my entries on my computer but I haven't used my computer to connect to the internet in like six months, hell maybe longer. So I have like 3 or 4 post I need to put up and share, this should be good. I'm not concerned about grammar, spelling or seperating thoughts for this post, just going to let it flow off the page (yes dee this is going to be a long ass paragraph). I've been watching the mens college basketball tournament heavy this year and there have been some great games so far (gotar heels). The NBA is wack. How is it the west is so much better than the East? I think the pistons and celtics and the top 6 teams in the west should play for the championship, the rest of the east doesn't deserve to play. I'm rambling on and on about like 10 things right now, is anyone keeping up with me? If I was blogging from a computer this would drive me crazy, but since I'm not...lets keep the party going. I know what I'm not doing for 28th or 30th birthday...no party for me and especially at elmo's. Greg's party was cool, definitely screamed greg, but not for me. This year I think I'm going to relax for my birthday. I want to plan for my 30th birthday now but realize I shouldn't since I'm sooooooooo fickle. I've been in better spirits lately even though it doesn't seem that way, still a realist, so when I say my life sucks its not me being down, just honest...lol. This is long as hell, o well. I haven't had a drink in like 5 months, I'm starting to think I'm due for one (that's one bottle...lmfao). I need to make some quick LEGAL money, any ideas? Lets end this because my next two post will be long (you will understand when I post them)

Brief Update

2008-03-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm back for a little update...

I received a text from my uncle asking me how to get to my blog. Ok I was stunned because I didn't remember telling him that I blogged but I didn't know what to do. He didn't know how I got down as I don't make a big production about my sexuality and reading my blog would definitely let the cat out the bag. I gave him the internet address and let him into my world. He wasn't turned completely off from what he read and like the other people that know about my personal life he didn't really care. My family has been great, they recognize that I'm the same person. My sexuality is my personal life and not really a secret but I don't go around telling people I'm gay, I do this and I do that, just as most people don't walk around telling everyone they meet they are straight.

This week hasn't been a good week for me. I haven't been sleeping well, chest has been hurting and blood pressure has been high, yeah back to week one being out of the hospital. Not sure what happened or what I'm doing different from last week but this has been a trying week for me. Hopefully next week will be better. Would it be too much to ask for no comments on this part of the post as everything that will be said will be a repeat and just annoying?

Just an update

2008-03-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since I posted but that's only because my computer has been down. Here is a real quick run down on what is new: my car is fixed and costed more than I accepted, I'm feeling stronger physially and I haven't lost any weight in two weeks (still didnt gain anything). Now that the update is out of the way I'm going to write and just see what comes out.

Hopefully withmy car being fixed I can gain some sort of normalcy in my life. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to drive or not but sometimes I just need time away from home and everyone else to clear my mind. Without that time I have been fragile lately and my true self has been exposed. I was watching Dexter the other day and couldn't believe how much I got him, life feels so empty to me at times. However, without a proper outlet I have been loosing it, haven't been able to control the core essence of my being and have shown signs of a person that I did not know. I've tried couseling, but that is really a joke and they can only see who you allow them to see, and in my case they only saw the person that everyone else saw. So, I got my car back and I'm abandoning the Jay that cared what other's thought, this will be fun.

I've decided that I'm going to forgo a romantic relationship this year as well as sex. Both will be tough and I will probably break the no relationship vow before the no sex, but this is something I plan on doing. It's not for the normal reasons: I need to find myself or get myself ready for the next guy that comes around, because I think I'm where I need to be in those respects and doubt if time is going to help that, but sometimes a break is needed. Sure a relatinship would be great, I miss having that special person to lay under, give all of me to, but I can't force the issue and I have to make sure I'm doing things for the right reasons. It sounds cold but a relationship for me now needs to be built on more than just love alone, I need stability also. I mean, I need to know that you have a benefit package that one day can include me (yes, I need for your job to offer benefits to life partners), need to know that in five or six years we are headed down the same track and that you can afford to treat yourself to dinner when we go out even if I'm paying. I'm looking for someone that gets me, someone that understands sometimes I need my space and don't need to be reminded of my short comings or health issues everyday, but also know when I need to know they care about those things. Sex, well, other tan masturbating because I don't like to clean up after a wet dream, hasn't been on my mind that much. I really think I can do without it so it doesn't appear to be an issue.

Ok, think that was enough, hopefully I will post something better and well put together this week, but I need to head home.

Been on my mind

2008-02-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

After chatting with my lil brother (not Byron, so Dammitt get your hand out your pants…lol), I figured I would finally write what has been on my mind for weeks, I finally found the right words. This is not intended to put anyone on the spot, call anyone out or cause tension, its just what has been going on with me. I'm going to try to put a positive spin on things so here I go...

With everything that has been going on with me I was down and really was hoping I could lean on those close to me for comfort and support. I realize that I'm difficult and I don't try to hide it from people, I am who I am, but I hoped that those that were close to me would recognize that I needed them during this down period. I don't need anyone to baby me and check on my health, but a greater presence in my life would have been nice. Some have stepped up and done a great job while others have fallen back. I just wanted to say thank you to those who I haven't and just acknowledge people. I don't want to focus on the negative anymore, just roll around inthe positive and let it fill my life.

Brandon. We have become closer since I got out of the hospital and I'm thankful for that. You treat me like nothing had happened, hell, sometimes I have to remind you that I can't rip and run like I used to, but I love you for that. When we talk, which is almost everyday, or when we chill you make me feel like nothing is wrong in my life. Thank you for everything and Liyah misses you and Mikael...lmao.

Omar. I love you to death, but if you walk to my house from yours again I don't know who will beat you first, me or my mother...lol. Thanks man. Like Brandon, you treat me the same and you make sure we hold a conversation at least once a day. Hell, my mom was thinking about giving you a key because she saw you so much...lol. We never did much when we chilled, but that was fine with me, actually, many days it was perfect.

Cris. I know you read my blog even though you don't comment but thanks man. Even though I hate bringing up my health you make sure you check up on me and make sure I'm doing ok and let me know that someone else is going through a similar situation. Thanks...oh yea where is my damn package...lol.

Liyah. You could have easily made it onto my, MY FRIENDS post, you are great. You know I have love for you and not only because you are carrying my neice. You are the female version of my brother so I really don't need to say more. Love you and will talk to you later on.

Those who made it onto my, MY FRIENDS post I chose not to re-list you, all of you have been great. I didn't think I could be closer to any of you, but I have been and Love you all a great deal. Daniel, our relationship has changed some, but I can honestly say you have made more of an attempt than I have, thanks man. Dee thanks for listening and being you, yes we have come along way since "The Lobby."

Shawn and X, I miss you guys. Whether its true or not I just feel like you have forgotten about me recently. I realize that we all have our issues, but right now I need my friends around.

I'm just rambling

2008-02-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

I sit here typing today well rested in a relative good mood. It's a new week that I have been blessed to see outside of the hospital so I will find a way to enjoy it. Last week I forced my friends to surround me with their love, this week I have no idea how i"m going to keep my mind busy and my body rested. I went to get an x-ray today, which my doctor asked me to get like three weeks ago. I'm so over doctors and the hospital, if something is wrong with me I just want it to quietly take me out. I realize how bad that sounds but I just can't take the site of these over educated uncaring assholes and that germ infested building they trap us in. But I'm being positive (lol), trying to enjoy this time I have off.

Ok, I know people shout in church about how good God is and how some foreseeable action has occurred that they give created to God for, but I'm about to be one of those people. I have retired from caring about my problems, don't want to bitch anymore, I gave them all up to God and trusted that if it is in the plan of my creator then it will get done, if not, there is nothing I can do about it. Well, GOD is more than good, he is great. Financially I hit a hard spot, I hadn't received a check since December and that wasn't even a full check, bills still needed to be paid and I was handling them for the most part. Well it came down to the wire, I had $650 left in my account and a bill for $672 starring at me. No worries, I placed it aside and simple said, "I'm not stressing." Well I'm here to tell you, despite disability sending me letters that didn't make since, my job sending letters that my position would not be guaranteed upon my return and this bill smacking me in the face, I did not worry and my God came through. I received 4 checks from disability and to my surprise they are giving me a lot more than I expected, hell, I'm getting more than I made working since they not taking out taxes (yes this will kick me in the ass later). I got a text from my manager, she wanted to say hi and tell me that they were moving our seats and I would be in the area I had requested before I got sick. Everything has been taken care of by my God.

Since I don't have much to do I scan blogs from time to time just to see what is going on with everyone else and it seems like I'm the only one that uses this blog thing as a true journal. I'm not saying any way is right or wrong, just making an observation. I love the blogs detailing a bad date though, these people take me back to when I used to date and find people while I was in college (not to say dating has gotten any better for me recently). I read another blog that has turned into a forum of sorts, love the topics and sometimes I will leave a comment or two, but I like the interaction and the different view points that are given. Hell everyone seems to read his blog, there is a straight guy that comments regularly now and this blog usually have gay related themes.

I know I'm going on and on about nothing in this post but this is my journal. I'm just letting the thoughts that are in my head come out. I could sit and write a thoughtful post but my essay writing days are over, I'm not getting paid for this nor am I getting a grade. I post what I want because this is my blog...lol.

My body is tighten up like it did before i went into the hospital. I'm scared I might have to go back to the hospital and stay longer, which is the main reason it took me so long to get my x-ray done. I'm not a quitter but the thought of being cut open again and having tubes running in and out of my body is not flattering nor is it something I'm looking forward to. Hell if I see the light this time I'm going to run to the light and ignore the pictures on the wall.

I'm off, i'm going to try to convince my brother to take me to the store, until the next time...

Sleep typing

2008-02-23T23:48:00.000-08:00

It is now 2:49am on a sunday morning and I find myself sitting in front of this computer in the kitchen typing. Sure I could lay down and try to force myself to go to sleep but lately sleep has not come easily nor has it stayed long, so I write. I wrote in my personal journal already, which I have been keeping on the advice of another blogger. It helps me realize some of what is going on in my head when I don't feel like getting on the computer but it also takes away from my material for my blog. Since I want to keep the two separate but both are a catalog of my life it becomes a little difficult to keep ideas from overlapping. Sure I will probably be the only person that is aware of the overlap but I would know.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a book, but haven't dedicated any time to it, just a lot of lip service. I don't think I have it in me to just sit and type away and keep focused on a single idea. I keep saying, "tomorrow I'm going to start, a page a day until I get into a groove." Tomorrow has come and gone and still nothing. Yes I have an idea of what I want to write about, but aren't we all tired of the same old gay love story or love story in general just wrapped up in today's language? I read a book about a year ago that was interesting, very graphic, however, the entire time I read the story that was before me I thought, this shit would never happen. Sure, if I wrote a novel I would be writing it for me to prove that I could do it, but I still would want an audience to enjoy and ultimately buy my work. I wait, let the days slip by, let doubt creep in, now I'm wondering if I can write well enough to write a novel. Can I tell a story like some of the other bloggers or writers I read? Once again I tell myself I'm doing this for me but others will read and judge. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it or not, I may write it and never show anyone, burn it once it is complete like so many short stories I completed throughout grammar school to college.

I think I'm finally getting tired. I have written two very long paragraphs about my day and week only to erase them both. Part of me wants to tell the word of my mood, let everyone know that I'm suffering from depression and refuse to seek help (yea hold all comments about the benefits of counseling or telling me to seek any, I know all of it but there is a reason I chose to use the word refuse in the sentence), the other part of me wants to tell about a wonderful week being surrounded by wonderful friends. All these damn wonderfuls aren't me, nor is censorship, I thought as I deleted the last paragraph, so I decided I'm tired. I'm going to go hit the couch now , realizing I'm either going to sleep in pain, wake up sore or the daily double I get both. This is life. When I was in grammar school my favorite saying was "life sucks then you die." I feel like a piece of me is dying everyday and there is nothing I can do about it. Only a pretend smile remains on this face of mine, I have become the bitter man my father was mixed with the dark child I used to be, what a fucked up pair. Goodnight/morning all...

My Friends

2008-02-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

I realize I might not want to do this post as some persons may feel left out, feelings hurt or questions raised, but hell, do you really think that was going to stop me? I've decided to rank and thank my closest friends, those I say I love and mean it. Now these people will be people I consider friends, those that I can share everything with and have been through the storms and back with. The decision to do this wasn't to hurt anyone's feelings or isolate myself from others, but give those who have been there supporting me the credit and recognization they deserve. My Mother has been left out because I think I'm going to dedicate a post to her and her alone. Most of these people don't read my blog so plastering their names on my blog will mean nothing to them as they probably will never see it. I wish I could do a top ten but I don't have that many unless I lower my standards and for this post I won't.

1. At the top of my list is my brother. Ok, I didn't say family and friends but if you knew my relationship with my brother you would know that he is truly my friend. Byron and I haven't always been friends, in fact when we were younger we used to fight and argue all the time. However, I always loved my brother and I was the only person that would torture him. Not a child or adult would yell or make him cry without me intervening. Byron was the first heterosexual I told I was gay and only the third person I admitted I was gay to. We laughed, joked and never missed a beat after I told him. Now that I'm sick/recovering and stuck in the house he is right there beside me trying to make this process as bearable as possible.

2. Easily this person could have been number one, she is and has always been my best friend, Omika, my older sister. When I felt like the black sheep of my family, an outcast among my brother and sisters when I was growing up, she was right there letting me know I wasn't alone. Jokingly we started saying we were twins because we shared some of the same ideas, got along better than I did with my actual twin sister and looked alike also. When we both became adults it was surprising how much closer we got, I sometime forgot she was my sister, she was a friend. It took me a long time to tell her I was gay which she was upset about (the length of time not the fact that I was gay), but once I did it opened a whole new chapter in our friendship. Now we both share stories of our relationships and "adult" acts. I love my older sister and not just because she gave birth to my favorite nephew (she and a few others will understand why that was written).

3. Michelle. What can I say about the diva in my life? She is wonderful and always there to check me when I need it and push me to be better. Michelle and I met in college and nothing about our relationship has ever been easy. We argued, stopped speaking, I betrayed her, but at the end of it all, our love and respect for one another kept us together. How many of you can go without talking to your best friend for a year and still know if you needed to talk to them at 4 am on a work day they would still answer the phone and listen? I can. She can. Many of my close friends and associates haven't met her, not because I'm ashamed of her, but because I want her all to myself. She is my Michelle. Love you baby.

4. Matt. My little brother, Matt. When I first met Matt he was a horny thirteen year old boy with the crack voice trying to be oh so grown. Now, at age twenty-three, this young man just amazes me. Matt and I have cried together, laughed and just talked, we have maintained our relationship dispute many miles, screen name and email changes, number changes and never meeting face to face. But love knows no boundaries. I care for him as much as I care for my own brother and more than most of the people I know personally. His pain is my pain, his success is my success and I enjoy in his life as much as I can. There will not be another Matt in my life and not another friend that does half the things he does. I love his craziness, I love his drive and I love his vision. I love my little brother and draw a lot of my strength to continue fighting from him.

5. Mike. I've known Mike for a short time relatively speaking. He was hurt by another friend of mine and through comforting him we became friends. Mike is one of the few good guys left out there. Yes he has his own issues but once in his circle he will bend over backwards move heaven and earth for you. Sometimes I wonder how we remain friends, he refuses to sleep and doesn't think anyone else should sleep and a nap is my best friend before I go to sleep for the night. He is a movie goer and watcher, I hate sitting looking at the screen that long. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is we are there for each other. It can be a simple hi or a conversation about nothing, we make sure the other is alright and able to continue on in life. Love you Mikey.

6. Eddie. Who would have thought we would still be friends after our first meeting? You were dating my friend and trying to hook me up with your friend, but look at us now. Hell, after I took that ride with your mother to drop you off at college I didn't think I would hear from you again, thought you would just disown me. Those were tough times. Now I look at you like you are my little brother. I know I mess with you when you shout out your other friends but leave me out, but I really do know how you feel. I'm so proud of you little brother. I love you

7. Greg. Blacksunshyne (did I spell it right?)...lol. Remember those days. Remember when you had a two drink maximum? Greg, if I had to put a label on him I would characterize him as a cool older brother. He would go out with us, but he was a constant reminder of what we should and should not do. He was there to give us the speeches of our parents when they are not around. But Greg is a great and giving person. Like most people in my life, we have had our moments, but Greg has always bounced back. Being around Greg reminds me where I should be as a person, yes I do think people take advantage of him, honestly he knows most of the time now, but he doesn't let that change him. He might be the nicest person I know. I love you old man...lol (ok I know I'm right behind you in age but I'm still younger...lol).

8. Antonne. Of all the people on the list I have known Antwan the least amount of time, but friendships and love are not measured by time in my book. We have shared personal details of our lives to one another, dreams and pain. We have made the other laugh and cry but the love has remained. I tried to push you out of my life that was a task I could not complete. The love I have for you is different and the same for you than the other members on this list, but whenever I have been at my lowest point recently you have been there. There to check on Mike for me and keep him sane when I was unable to, keep me company when I felt no one cared about me outside of my family, you always go out of your way to make me feel special. I love you my Antwan.

9. Tony. I wish we could just stay away from each other. Even when things are going good for us it is a fight. But you are my Tony and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know why we don't talk much now, it’s the nature of our relationship, but I know you love me. For those of you that don't know, Tony broke my heart twice, chose two other men over me. I should be bitter, but we always ended up back together (not romantically), arguing about nothing and trying to force our will on the other. I wouldn't change anything about our relationship, arguing and bumping heads is just who we are. Two Leos who share the same type of personality just can't work without both having thick skin. I love you and I'm coming to see my step godson soon.

I love these nine people and wouldn't change them. They have been through the good, bad and ugly with me, as I with them. I love my nine unconditionally and they may not know it but they have helped keep me here as much as my mother and the doctors have. There is so much that I have to say to them, I want to do (I'm not going to Vegas so bag it up and you know who you are) with them. I love all you and you know I have and will drop everything for you (don't think I'm doing manual labor, once again you know who you are).

JUST ANOTHER DAY

2008-02-14T19:14:00.000-08:00

As Valentine's Day comes to an end I take this time to reflect on the day that was. A day filled with love, flowers and balloons, one of the lovingest days of the year. Damn I hate this make believe holiday. For one day, everyone is supposed to show their love for the ones that they should be showing love to all year long. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but how many of us go out of our way to buy those dozen roses, bottle of cologne, box of chocolate on this day for our sweetheart, go out to dinner and possibly a hotel to show our love only to get our credit card or bank statement at the end of the month and realize what a waste it truly was. Shouldn't unexpected gifts and trips be the norm, shouldn't we be able to tell those we love, "I love you," everyday. Why does the wife beater take off just this one day and allow his pimp hand to rest in warm water as his wife indulges in the chocolate she didn't have to pay for with her face, why is the adulterer forced to buy an extra nice gift and go to dinner twice (what you thought the secretary wasn't going out to dinner also?). This economic holiday geared to remind those in love of what should be obvious and depress those lonely souls that sit alone wanting wishing for a mate is coming to an end and for me it couldn’t come fast enough.

The day started off like most for me, I struggled to get out of the bed, one part because I was in an uncomfortable position (most positions are uncomfortable due to the half healed bone in the middle of my chest) and secondly because I was without a whole nights sleep again. My sister had the great idea to go to lunch at my mother’s job today for Valentine’s Day since we were both off work today, I didn’t object so I called her to find out what time she would be ready. I had an hour, which for me was enough time to shower and iron something to wear. I was going to miss church but since I didn’t have a working car (my car has a flat and since I’m not supposed to left a turkey I’m thinking a tire is out of the question) to get to church I was going to miss it anyway. The day was going smoothly, we picked up flowers and balloons for my mother (ok, she picked them up, I just went along for the ride) and then my sister treated us to lunch at the café at my mother’s job. My mother needed us to run an errand to the bank, great, I was in no rush to go back to my new prison (the hospital was prison number one, home has taken the place of the hospital). We get home and there are three letters for me. One from my job’s disability department informing me that if I’m not back at work by March 9, 2008 I’m subject to my job’s attendance policy, in short, my job is not secure after March 9, 2008. Then there were two letters from the state disability department (this is my check), in short they want information that can’t be given at this time like, the day I started back at work. As I read that letter I thought, “What the fuck? I’m still out of work and last I checked I couldn’t see into the future.”

Instead of letting the day get to me I did the only thing I could do, threw on a gospel CD, took the letters upstairs to my room, closed the door and didn’t worry about a damn thing. My blood pressure was running high all day, I didn’t care, I had pizza for dinner. O came home and interrupted my nap and peace. I didn’t mind, he watched Sweeney Todd and I drifted in and out of sleep. Now I’m typing without a care in the world. The depression that had been my friend all week is still on the couch sleep and I’m experiencing an unexplainable high. So on this February 14, 2008, I say goodnight to my readers and to those who foolishly went out their way to express their love because it’s Valentine’s Day I say, shame on you, flowers and balloons can be brought all year around.

Starting Over

2008-02-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Terrance,

As you read this I hope thoughts of our last vacation getaway comes to mind and not the many fights we have had recently. I hope you can remember being picked up from home on that warm July evening after reading the greeting card I left on the coffee table for you giving you the directions for the night. Do you remember? It simple read, the car will pick you up at 8, just be showered and dressed for bed. You asked the driver several times where I was but I had paid him an extra hundred dollars not to answer any of your questions. When you arrived to the cabin at 10pm, I could only imagine the grin on your face as you tried to figure out what I was up to. When you entered our Villa it was a surprise to you, I sat naked on the coffee table with a greeting card between my legs, no lights on and a fire burning in the fireplace that dimmed the room. I handed you the card that held your instructions for the weekend: Just Ask. We made love on that first level and you didn’t see the gifts I had for you until the next morning. Hopefully you remember those thoughts.

This letter is not a prelude to an erotic weekend like that. Take a second and look around. I took everything that I paid, everything I bought into this house that was not a gift to you. I did you a favor and took away all signs that me and our love ever shared this brownstone with you. That trip was six months ago and like the fire in the fireplace our love has ceased to exist. This letter may seem a little cold and as a shock to your ego, but I guess you will see that being self-centered has its flaws. For the past month I have been taking things out of your house and you haven’t noticed or cared, probably because you were too busy caring for another. Yeah, I know about the other men in your life, I’ve known for months.

You made your first mistake two months ago, you minimized your email to noclue45@blackplanet.com when you went to the bathroom. Not sure if I was hurt more by your blatant disrespect for me to write that email while I was in the room or the content of the email, I minimized it back and went for my scheduled run. I never forgot. As the days went on you got sloppier and sloppier, numbers were left on the dresser, you began given these boys our house number, so I finally got the hint and realized our relationship was over. You probably don’t care that I’m gone, the kiss on the cheek and I love you I got this morning was just routine, but I’m doing this for me.

I loved what we had, but I’m finished pretending to enjoy being merely a piece of your world. We were supposed to be building a life together, I wasn’t just supposed to be apart of yours. Find yourself another Mr. Terrance Thomas because this one is gone.

Starting New,

Jarrod Jacobs

Terrance laughed as he balled up the paper containing the words of his “Dear John” letter. He glanced around his living room and realized he was only missing some pillows, pictures and decorations on his coffee table and end tables, everything else in the room he had purchased. He laughed at how pity his lover had become when he walked in the kitchen and realized he didn’t have any dishes, utensils or cooking supplies. The kitchen was empty with the exception of the stove and oven which were built into the wall and the refrigerator they had split the cost of. He opened the refrigerator door and it was empty, no food, no drinks, no frost. Jarrod had literally cleaned it out. “I can’t believe this shit, this nigga is crazy.” Terrance took to the steps, two at a time to the master bedroom. A mattress and mirror was all that was left of the $4000 bedroom set they shared. Paintings, lamps, pillows and hangers were no where to be found, he took them all. A note was placed on the mattress for him, Terrance shook his head, “now what?”

By now you see I’m a man of my word. Don’t worry, you will notice everything you brought is still there, hell, I was nice enough to leave a few things I got you. Baby its over and don’t worry about picking up those two suits in the cleaners, I got them.

Love ya, J

Terrance sat and did the only thing he could, he chuckled. Neither of them handled the break up like men, but he realized hurting Jarrod had cost him more than a relationship of six years. Starting over was necessary and definitely would come as a cost.

Random

2008-02-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying sorry to my readers for taking so long to post another post, I've been trying to post every two days but my sister took her laptop and I was too lazy to hook mine up. But I'm back with my mess of a life, so read what you want, there should be something for everybody (sorry no sex talk this time).

Its Sunday and I really should be in church praising God or at the very least have my gospel music on worshiping his name, but I'm sitting hear listening to Trey Songs new cd (really not that impressed) and texting X. I'm not really feeling like myself right now but I've been changing so much that I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm feeling better I must admit, I know I'm getting better and I have taken the advice of many and I'm taking it easy. My days seem the same, I wake up, watch tv with my younger brother, take meds and eat. I rarely go outside unless I have a doctor's appointment. I should be depressed about that, but I'm not. I'm getting too comfortable with being home doing nothing.

Even though I'm becoming lazy at home I have found things to get excited/upset about. Those that know me well know that my sexuality really isn't the world to me. I mean I'm Gay and don't really hide that, at the same time I don't let it define who I am nor do I get caught up in a lot of the "gay" activities. However, doing research on the internet I came across an article on Newark, NJ and it's invisible gay community. I wanted to learn more about a community center for LGBT youth's in the area and surprisingly this was the only thing that came up. The article touched on incidents of abuse aimed at persons going to or from this center and discrimination toward homosexuals in the largest city in the state. I wanted to be upset, wanted to start a writing campaign, but what's the point. We still bash one another. We sit and tell our more openly gay brothers and sisters they need to tone it down. Snicker at them when they switch by with their "man bags." We break down the self-esteem of our own, try to throw members of our family back in the closest on so many levels. I wish I could say I was above the snickering, above the name callings, but I'm not yet. I accept my friends and others for who they are, but to say that is something I understand or try to be around would be a lie. I say all of that to ask, where do we go from here? I'm a firm believer in taking care of home first before reaching out. So do we need to work on our relationships between masculine and feminine members of our community before we work on the relationship between gays and straights?

Recently I've tried changing a few things about me. One of the major things is my mouth and what comes out of it. I have a tendency to be very blunt and honest and it can be hurtful and in the past may have cost me some friendships. However, it seems that I'm the only one suffering from this change (side note: I'm over this cd, I'm about to put on my gospel). I suffer for visitors that just won't go home, bad movies etc. Normally, I would just tell someone it's time to leave, but now I hope they get the hint or suffer through a crappy movie because someone else wants to watch it. So, I've decided, even at the risk of loosing friends, I can only be me and telling people to get the fuck out because they have been at my house for six hours and I need a mental break is a problem, OH FUCKING WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (lol)

The Light

2008-02-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

Recently, a few people have asked me about my early experience in the hospital. They wanted to know did I see the "light" when I claim I almost died. Well, instead of answering the question again and to go into details for those I just answered yes to, I will post about it. While in the hospital I don't remember much about the first 8 or 9 days as I was either unconcious or heavily medicated, so most of the information provided in this post came from family and doctors who witnessed my ordeal.

Twice the paddles had to be used to revive me. I went into cardiac arrest twice, the second time being the worst. During the rest attack on my heart the doctors were able to quickly revive me using the paddles and the scare was limited. For me, I was already unconcious so there was no fear of dying that came over me, but in my state of darkness I saw a light in the distance. It was clear to me because my existance at this point consisted of nothing and this light was something new, but it only lasted what seemed like a second, then darkness again. This was not a life changing event for me because at this time I thought I was still dreaming.

The second time I saw the light changed my life and may have actually saved me. Still in darkness I began to see images of who I was as a person, my development. Everything was still dark, however, it appeared that my life was hanging in frames on the wall. I walked down this long hallway looking at pictures that brought about life like memories of my past. Memories of a child that hid in a dark closest crying seeking acceptance from the world, a quiet 1st grader that never made friends, a high school junior that suffered through school in the shadow of his twin sister and a college student finally discovering himself, I was unaware of the light at the end of the long hallway that the pictures were leading me to. Once aware of the light I stopped. I knew at this point what going further would mean. I turned and looked over my life, looked over the growth I had gone through, the changes, the people I had met, reflected on what I had just saw. I was satisfied. I was ready to move on, I had no regrets and no unfinished business. But it wasn't my time to go. Before my feet could move toward the light an image of my mother came to mind and I couldn't do it. I dropped to my knees and began to pray:

Lord, please don't take me now, I can't do that to my mother. She couldn't take loosing someone else so close to a holiday. If it is in your will please spare my life, not for me, but for her. I love her too much to hurt her like this. I am satisfied with my, I have no problem with going with you, but please spare me. I know I have recently turned my back on you, said I no longer believe, but if you do this for me I will give my life back to you. Please Lord spare me. In your son Jesus Christ's name, Amen.

There was no booming voice telling me to turn around, there was no out stretched hand trying to get me to continue walking, it was just me and the light, me and a decision. I walked away.

Even writing this right now I'm getting choked up, its all so real for me. I realize some have read this and said he was dreaming, this is made up, maybe it was the drugs. It was real. My second cardic arrest almost took me out of here, doctors were ready to call it before I suddenly returned. I know God had his hands on me during my time in the hospital even though I can't remember a great deal of what happened, I know because the doctors had given up on me several times and told my mother she should prepare herself the inevitable. My God had other plans for me. Things might not be the way I wanted them to be, I may not have walked away from this ordeal in perfect health or without scars, but I walked away the way he wanted me to. If you do not have a relationship with God, I urge you to seek him, he is closer than you think.

Light Post

2008-01-31T17:01:00.001-08:00

Ok what's up with Randy's red shoes. I know some of you watch American Idol and had to notice this week that he wore those ugly red shoes that looked like closed off clogs. Is he really trying to come out the closest or is his fashion sense that bad? Help me out here.

Surprisingly, I have been going to church for service twice a week. I was never a big church goer and I think I only went twice last year, so for me to go twice a week is big news. Am I being forced? Nope, this is all me. I made a promise to get more dedicated to my faith, give back to the one that has blessed me with life, a good family and friends. At one point not long ago I confessed that I was an anthesist, I had given up on religion and God. Even though I was down and renoucing my God, he is a good God and didn't leave me. When I was sick and dying, my God was by my side and brought me through it all, so I will praise his name and spread his good news.

That's my post for the day. I'm in the process of writing a short story (hope I can finish it) to post, only problem is it doesn't seem to be so short. But anyway, be blessed I'll post again later.

Random

2008-01-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm looking for something to do. I'm tired of being in the house or going out just to hear bullshit from another doctor that only examines or speaks to me for only two minutes or to get food. I'm not yet fully healed and realize that just sitting on my ass might be the best thing to do, but isn't that being rather lazy? Staying still because someone else told me to or because of an illness has been weighing on my body has never been me, I like to do my own thing, make my own rules, move when I want to move.

I realize as I am writing that God has done all of this to slow me down and take a deeper look into my life. I'm trying. As far as relationships go I have jumped into the the middle of the ocean and I really don't like what I'm seeing. When I look at the "crew" I really only see two or three friends, a few associates and a couple of people I'm just hanging onto. I tried to look passed or let me use a better word, accept the flaws I thought my friends had, but being stuck in the house and re-examining all my relationships, I'm beginning to realize I don't fit in the group. Maybe I do, maybe we are a group of mix-match parts, but I can't help but see everyone for who they are. Now don't confuse this as a declaration of perfection on my behave because I have faults and with the exception of one other I may have one of the hardest personalities to get along with. I make no excuses for who I am or how I come across, you have to take me as I am and personally that's how I try to deal with other's, I accept them for who they are, the good and bad. But what happens when you no longer can handle the differences?

I've been rethinking my rebeling against the barber and cutting my hair and think I will be getting a fresh cut before friday (shhhh don't tell my mother). I'm supposed to go out to eat on friday and after looking at myself in the mirror, I know for sure I'm not going to anyone's restaurant looking the way I do unless it's white castle or McDonald's.

UPDATE

2008-01-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

I had planned on making this post, my testimony, but that will have to wait until this ordeal is over. But I will give you some updates. I learned that I wasa on the wrong diet. Yes, some words almost came out of my mouth that my mother didn't need to hear. However, I'm doing better with that, I can basicaly eat what I want just need to watch my sodium. My doctor wants me to gain weight, on that other diet I was loosing weight about 2 lbs a day.

How am I doing? I'm still in pain. I have good days and I feel like everything is going to be alright. I feel like Jay, I smile and it's real. During these days I try to do everything I need to do. Then there are the bad days. During these days my chest hurts, I'm tight and can't move. During these days I realize I'm going through a period of depression and need to seek help. I'm going to look into that once I can drive, because Lord knows my family doesn't need another place they have to take me.

Not much else is going on. I'm trying to get rest and stay positive. I want to publicly thank Antwan and Mike for hitting me up everyday and Antwan for trying to make it over here once a week. Thanks to everyone else that have stopped by. Oh yeah, I think I'm going to masturbate soon, its been almost three months.

Damn this is random

2008-01-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

Life has prevented me from posting before today, but I'm here now. I wish I had the brain power to sit here and right a short story or thought out smart post, but the reality of it all is I can't. The only thing on my mind lately is my health, the damn healthy food that I'm forcing down and cardiomyopathy (the heart disease that caused them to rip my chest open). By the way, anyone know of any restaurants in New Jersey that caters to a healthy diet?

OK I think I'm going to abstain from any type of sexual contact until the weekend before I go back to work (a little less than six months from today). I know some of you will say I'm crazy, stupid and out of my mind, but its been over two months since I've had an erection so it shouldn't be hard (no pun intended) for me to handle it. Shit I gave up drinking for three months, are you really surprised I would try this? So when I gain the ability to get hard again I'm going to continue not to touch myself. Anyone want to try this with me?

I have more to share but i'm tired so I'm about to go to bed. I'll try to post again real soon.

Life Changes

2008-01-08T17:55:00.000-08:00

They finally released me from my prison. I had begun loosing my mind and sense of self while in the hospital and it was only a matter of days before a full mental break occurred. The purple walls were beige to me as I never noticed the color despite staring at them for hours on end. Delusions of visitors and conversations that never happened with people that were or were not present, paranoia racing through my mind thinking the workers were trying to kill me. Delusions, paranoia and medication working together I came up with three times they tried to kill me (two I believe are true today). But I'm free now, I'm home. I am still in pain but I'm home.

My diet has to change. I'm on a low-fat low sodium diet. As some of you may know I had to cut dairy out of my diet a few months back because it was causing me breathing problems, while now I have to say bye to bacon, most cuts of pork, chips ahoy chocolate cookies (the lady said I could have 1 or 2 every once in a while, who can do that?), I have to limit my beef intake and they really don't want me to have steaks. So, healthy food for me. Now I like when my sister cooks (she only cooks low-fat foods) so I'm happy when she is home, but when my moms cooks the meat is extra dry. Any cooks out there want to make me something to eat and drop it off, I'm cool with that.

For the next 6 months I can not work. This is going to drive me crazy. Sure I hate going to work and complain about it, but I can't live without it, it's apart of who I am. I need to contribute, be able to pay my own way and stay active, not being able to work is forcing me to change a part of me. In addition to working, I can't drive for at least month and for 3-4 months if I'm not driving I have to sit in the back like a two year old. I don't sit in the back and I like to drive my own car (when I'm in Jersey, JB got me in the city), now I need to depend on someone else. I guess the bottom line here is I hate to depend on others to do something I should be able to do.

New Year's Resolution

2008-01-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm not one for making New Year's Resolution, actually I vowed I would never make a resolution. Almost ten years later I broke my vow. My New Year's Resolution is to maintain my new friendship.

During my ordeal in the hospital, my twin sister, Sharmaine, was right by my side. Spending long nights at the hospital, avoiding her boyfriend and surrendering her vacation, she was there. I don't remember any of that, but when i came through, she was there with my mother and brother. Over the next few days we laughed, we slept, she wiped my forehead of sweat, adjusted my bed and did i mention slept? On New Year's eve we had a discussion on why we didn't talk much/ why we weren't friends. It was a brutually honest conversation. The end of it all, we love each other and there is no reason we can't be friends. So, we decided to extend our friendship past the walls of the hosiptal and when I come out.

This will be different. I spent most of my life disliking my sister, avoiding my sister so I wouldn't hate her, now we will be spending time together, actually hanging out. This should be interesting.

Oh, to the crew, you will be part of this because she wants to hang with you guys also...for some reason she likes you guys.

That 1st Day

2008-01-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

The pain was unbearable and I was a prisoner of the one seater I had slept in the night before. Nothing was working currently. Arms and legs were unwilling to cause me additional pain so they decided to fight my commands to move. My body was cramped. My mother came downstairs and saw me just sitting still in the chair, "good morning, son." She continued downstairs to wash clothes, her normal saturday routine. "You ok," she yelled upstairs, realizing I hadn't repsonded to her intentional good morning.

"I need help."

"You want to go to the hospital?"

"yes," I said in a whimpering tone. Thump thump thump, my mother ran up the short flight of stairs from the basement to the family room where I was still trapped. Her face was filled with shock and concern. "Baby are you ok?"

"No. I can't move. It hurts."

"Ok, I'm going to get dressed. Do you want me to call one of your friends? Antwan? I'm going to call Antwan and see if he will come with us." She picked up her phone and I assumed she called Antwan because she emergered from the basement stating he needed to shower first. She went upstairs and got her things together. "Are you going to wash or put some clothes on?"

"I don't know."

"Ok I'm going to go upstairs and get you something to put on." She was in super mom mode, getting clothes together, making sure insurance card was accesible and back up cars were available. Ding, Ding Ding, the first piece of her plan had arrived within an hour of her call. But I was the bump in her plan. I really couldn't move. I mustard up some energy to throw on the clothes she had put together, not wanting Antwan to help me. I was actually embarrassed, I didn't want him to see me like that. Since I was already standing I ran to the car in the garage since the doors were open and took a seat.

My mother pulled up to the emerengcy room, jumped out the car (yes she left it running) and returned seconds later with a wheelchair. "Can you make it to the chair or do you want us to carry you?" Wanting to hold on to some diginity, I bit my bottom lip and moved to the wheelchair. I didn't know it then but that was the last time I would move volunteerily and remember it for days. Antwan found a spot where I could remain in the wheelchair and sit next to him. I gave him my phone because I couldn't hold it. My mother was trying to registar me. The pain was becoming more unbearable, tears ran down my cheek. A nursing assistant (I think that's what she was) came over to check my pulse and blood pressure. Next thing I know I'm being rolled into the emeregency room, no formal registration, no explanation. I was thrown on the table, doctors are coming in and out and i have an oxygen mask. "My body hurts, nothings wrong with my breathing," I tried to remove the oxygen mask but it was forced on me by one of the nurses in the room. Then... I can't remember

Jay for President

2007-11-29T15:50:00.000-08:00

I realize I'm a little young to legally run for president, but I think a United States governed by Jay would be a great nation. So, what will I stand for, what are my issues, how will I solve our problems? Here's just a taste. (oh maybe i should state this upfront, this may offend most of you and to that i say in my best Ms. Jones impersonation, Oh Well!)

IMMIGRATION: Lock down all boarders. I say no more immigrants should be allowed. Have the coast guard return the banana boats, make shift rafts and boats back to their countries. No more bring them here first then send them back, nope, turn their asses back around and wish them well. Oh and I friends to the south, we need to enlist the help of the Germans and build a concrete wall with electric strips at the base and spikes at the top. For those illegal immigrates that are currently in this country, you have to leave. No explanation on why you are here, you have to leave, end of discussion. And for those that think they are slick, if you had your kid here, here are your options: 1) your child can stay go through our foster care system where they will probably be beating and molested. 2) take your child with you and he/she looses any rights as an American citizen. Any employer found employing illegal immigrants will be fined a minimal one million dollars and face other penalties.

FOREIGN POLICY: Simply put, we focus on fixing our country and you do the damn thing with yours. We are not the big brother of the world nor are we the saviors, actually it's beginning to look like we are the biggest trouble makers out there. Let's clean up our image, we are going to work on our country. No more sending money to third world countries, no more adding our two cent in the middle east crisis'. Hey Korea, you want nuclear weapons, do you. Iraq, you want to beat your women, go for it.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT: Time for a change. Prison will no longer be for rehabilitation, it will be for punishment. TV, radios, exercise equipment and games will be taken out of the prisons. Recreation time will consist of a copy of War and Peace or Salis Manor. Murderers and rapist will be forced to share a common cell, unable to exit for any reason, for the duration of their sentence. Celebrities will be held to the same laws as the working man, no more working out deals to avoid jail time or getting out early because of a panic attack.

ECONOMY: With illegal immigrants gone, there will be jobs open, many of which are less than desirable. However, those jobs that are vacated by the illegal immigrants will be taken up by those getting social assistance (welfare, unemployment). No complaints, you either work or you get no money. We still need to rely on the assistance of other countries for things such as oil/gas, fine we will do a better job of negotiating the best deal possible while drilling off our coast and wilderness areas. Companies will be given incentives to create and maintain jobs here instead of moving to other countries and importing them back to the United States. The rich will get taxed more. No more breaks for charitable giving, the rich will finally pay their fair share.

EDUCATION: New Schools need to be built, a hiring explosion of teachers needs to happen and the bitching of parents need to stop. In an effort to decrease the avg. class size, new schools will need to be built, thus new teachers need to be hired. As I respect parents' that want to be an active member in their child's education, I must say, your opinions are just that, our teachers are professionals. If a child is not meeting the standards in one grade, they need to stay back. If a child has not mastered 5th grade, why move them to 6th? Special Education, yeah these students will also need to meet pre-determined standards and if they can not meet those standards, then they to need to stay back.

LAWS: Church and state need to be separate. No more christian observances. No more vacations for Easter and Christmas, use your vacation time if you want those days off. Abortion, all for it. Don't think of it as killing an unborn baby, but a planned miscarriage. But I'm open for compromise, all of those opposed to abortion, can register for a national registry. Whenever a woman wants an abortion but can't get one, we will deliver her child to you when she has the baby. Social services already has more kids to deal with then they can handle so this works for everyone. An unborn baby doesn't die, the mother doesn't have to try and love a baby she didn't want and social services doesn't have to worry about finding a home for the child when the mother turns out to be neglectful. It will be a federal crime to file bankruptcy, fire thousands of workers and still manage to shell out million dollar severance packages to top executives. Budget cuts start from the top not the bottom.

There you have it, a brief description of some of the issues I will be addressing on my campaign trail, where are my supporters and I need a running mate.

day after

2007-11-23T04:07:00.000-08:00

Ok its the day after thanksgiving and I'm at work. Before you come with jokes or feel bad for me, let me say this, I'm getting double time and a half for today so I'm good...lol. Today is friday and I don't plan on doing much, like any other friday. I enjoyed yesterday. I cooked mac n cheese, fried some chicken before heading off to my older sister's house for dinner. I ate there with her, my nephew and his girlfriend. Watched the cowboys beat the jets before returning home where I literally passed out. Ok, your boy jay isn't supposed to be eating or drinking anything dairy, and while I made the mac n cheese I was eating the cheese then I had a nice size portion of mac n cheese on my plate once I got to my sisters. When I woke and could breathe again, I went to O's grandmother's house for dessert. He has a huge family so it always seems like a party when its just his siblings, but it is great. The little ones are adoreable, the middle kids are friendly and his brother that was there (the 3rd oldest, he just turned 18) is sexy. His mom and grandmom are cool as hell, I could just stay and chill with them. I stayed longer than I wanted, but I guess that happens when you are enjoying yourself. Now I'm at work, planning on doing next to nothing. Hell I may blog again. Have a great day and holla at your boy.

I don't get it

2007-11-16T18:09:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my car right now, cold, angry and ready to cuss someone out. Why? I will try to keep this brief. I'm supposed to go out with my ex, my best friend and some of my ex's friends for his birthday. When I'm leaving work at 4:15pm, I am informed that we will be meeting up at my best friend's place between 8:30pm and 9pm. For whatever reason, my ex, his ex (now best friend) and my best friend were in the city shoping. I thought they would be late but no one had mentioned a change in time the 4 times I spoke to them after 5pm. Now I'm always on time. Rare is it that I'm not on time (I'm normally 5 to 15 minutes early) and if I'm going to be late (which normally for me means on time or 5 minutes late) I call way ahead of time. At 8pm I'm still in my underwear so I text my best friend to find out where they were at since he texted me at 7:29pm stating they were at jersey gardens mall. No response right away, but I chalk that up to him being in the shower. I throw my clothes on (I showered, lotioned at 7pm and was just relaxing), put some cologne on and head out. As I pull up to his place at 8:29pm I receive a text..."we meeting at 10pm." WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! 1st didn't we realize at 8pm we wouldn't get anywhere close to the time that was set? 2, why wouldn't someone tell Jay of all people that we were going to be late before the assigned time? Now 3, its now 9:21pm and they still haven't gotten to my best friends place, which means 1 of 3 things, these bitches won't be ready by 10pm, they showered already while I have been waiting in this fucking car or 3 they aint going to wash their stinking asses before going out. I don't understand people...everyone knows the quickiest way to piss me off is to be late and have me wait. I'm not helping the issue because I turned the car off and have been sitting here since 8:29pm. Ok it is now 9:26pm and best friend just got here. Seeing that he has a bunch of bags I'm going to assume he is about to shower and change, definitely don't want to go out now. Ok I'm going to stop here before I get more upset because the motherfucker still hasn't started getting ready.

Good Guy

2007-11-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

For years now I have claimed to be a good guy, the perfect mate, a good catch, however, I have been questioning my statues.

Attentive, compassionate and giving, I thought were the qualities of a good man, qualities that I associated with myself. These qualities plus the fact that most people didn't want to date me because I was "too nice," made me believe I was a good guy and that's why I kept finishing last. I was told more than once by some girls, "you are not someone a girl wants to date, but you are someone we would marry." WHAT!?!! Apparently, girls love assholes, liars and players. They loved the look, the false sense of protection the thugs provided, they love the glares from other women as they hold hands with the liar and player even though these women will have their man later. Sadly, this seems to be true with my gay brothers as well.

But am I a good guy? Am I the perfect gentleman women and men claim they want but rarely committ to? Probably not. When I'm not in a relationship, I exhibit a lot of whorish tendecies. I don't feel a moral conflict with being sucked off by more than one person in a week or day for that matter. One night stands become frequent, jump offs become my new best friends, stability and compassion become strangers to my world. This can't be the mark of a good man, maybe a good man gone wrong.

So why do I feel morally free? Because I'm honest. Even in my whorish state I refuse to lead people on. I give them the information needed to make their own informed choice. I play by my rules and let those people know how it is, if its just sex its just sex, if its more than its more. If I'm talking to more than one person, I let it be known.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not a good man in the puriest form, but this doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. I'm an honest man. I give of myself honestly, I speak the truth and make good on my promises within my ability. I have come to accept my faults, unwilling to make excuses for them (we don't sleep around because we are men or have needs, we do it because we can, doesn't mean its right) and impress the positive. I may not meet the standards I have for a good man all the time, but being a good honest man to the one I'm with matters most.

I guess I can explain it simply, I play and let the dawg out but when I'm in a relationship, the angel wings appear and the good guy within takes over. But in both stages, the honest man is always there.

sex with the ex

2007-11-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

This upcoming saturday, Derrick L. Briggs' bookclub meeting's topic will be "Sex with the Ex." How appropriate this topic will be for me, just a week too late.

This upcoming weekend I will be spending a lot of time with 'A' for his birthday. If he has it his way I, along with several other of his friends will be chilling friday and saturday. The exact plans are secrets (yes the motherfucker is actually waiting to tell us what we are doing and when. Fags and their secrets...just playing, sort of...lol) but I'm sure drinking will be involved (I'm not drinking, will post why later). I mention that because he tends to get very horny when he drinks (so do I when I drink vodka).

I'm sure the Jets have a better chance of beating the Patriots this year with all the starters on the field than us having sex this weekend, but what if? What if during the course of the night he gets drunk, we beginning dancing/grinding to the music in the tight club. Sweat dripping, hormones increasing and flirting leading away from laughters and toward harder erections. The night comes to an end, I'm driving since I'm the only sober one in the drive. Inneed of some contact, not nessarily sexual, I make sure everyone else is dropped off first even though he is staying with one of the passengers in his car. I drive with my hand placed on his thigh, gently rubbing and massaging it while he slept. We arrive at my house, I walk around to his side of the car, I wake him as I try to get him out of his rental car. He looks around and doesn't know where he is, still under the control of the Grey Goose and orange juice he had been putting away all night. "Why are we here?" now realizing where he is, having been here several times before.

"I had to get home some way. If you want I can drop you off at the hotel and bring the car to you when I get up." He gives me a look that tells me that plan doesn't make any sense. "Where is everyone else?"
"I dropped them off after we went to McDonalds." He looked confused, realizing he had no memory of any of this. "You were sleep. I got you 2 order of nuggets, a cheeseburger and 2 apple pies." He smiled, by this time we are at my front door about to go in. We make our way to my room, fighting through the playful advances of my 2 year old pitbull. We made it to my room and he clasped on the bed. I took his jeans and polos off and folded them neatly on a basket in my corner, just like I did when we were together. I placed his food on top of the stereo and got myself undressed, put on a pair of shorts and joined him in bed. As I held him, he begins to grind up against me. I try moving back trying to avoid the feel of his plump firm ass against my dick but I could not resist. I allow him to grind like he was listening to a sean paul song. I kiss his neck, he thrust back harder, I lick his ear and he turns around. We begin kissing and exploring each others body with our hands. We grab each other's ass forcing our body and kiss' to come closer. He pulls away, quickly removes his gap boxer briefs and forces my head down. When he is drunk and horny he gets so aggressive and it turns me on a little. He trusts his dick in my mouth fast and hard, I hate when he does this but try to go with the flow. He flips me over and begins licking inside and around my hole, he is ready to enter me, but I'm not.

I flip him on his stomach, kiss the right side of his neck, then the left side, then the middle. I kiss his back to the small of his back, then begin licking and kissing from side to side. I kiss and suck on his left butt cheek while palming the right side. I reverse before grabbing both cheeks and parting them to expose his throbbing hole. I lick from the crack of his two juicey cheeks down to the tip of his hole. I kiss and suck the inside of his cheeks, not willing to give in to the cries of his hole which was yearning for attention. I licked around his hole, teasing him while I made sure each inch of his ass was wet. I dip my tongue inside just to get a taste, his back arced up. I dip in, probing deeper this time. He pushed back on my face and began to grind. Dips turned into swirls and back to dips as he pushed back on me. I reached around him and slowly jerked him off (how many of my freaks know what this is called...here's a hint, its an instrument). I flipped him back on his back, and just looked at his pre cum glisten on the tip of his dick. I licked his tip, tasting his delicious precum. I slowly placed all of him back in my mouth, now I'm in control. I slowly glid up and down, allowing his dick to feel my soft lips and my tongue to tickle him. I slide down and place his balls in my mouth, sucking on them while I jerk his dick which is wet now with my salvia. He grabs me both arm and pulls me close to him. I thought we were going to kiss, but he whispers, "I want you inside of me." Shocked I replied, " are you sure?." Without another word, he gets on all fours and arches his back.

I got all the necessary accessories to make this as painless on him as possible. I lubed him up and slowly began entering his tight hole. He flinched, squirmed, but was hell bent on taking me. I got a little more than the head in and began moving in and out trying to loosen him up. Gradually getting more and more in him, exploring his inside with my dick as I had done an hour earlier with my tongue. I'm in and his body seems to be adjusted to the foriegn object inside of it. He grinds his hips and begins to gain control by throwing that tight ass back on me, now it was time for him to see a different side of me. Not having the best stamina, I had to make every stroke count, and that I did. I sped it out to break his rhythm and gaining control, I pulled out for a long stroke, slowly slid halfway out then exploring his inside again while gliding back in, only to slide almost out again for a long stroke. I grabbed his hips and pounded quickly in and out, using his hips for stability, support and stimulation. I came, we both clasped back ontop of the bed, he crawled up in my arms and we went to sleep. I held him close, preparing myself for the, "this has to stop. I was drunk, I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship," conversation we had everytime we had sex after the break up. We slept until...

listen to this shit

2007-11-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

What's good my niggas? Yo, tell me what you think...its this fine chocolate nigga at my job. He is built left a defensive tackle (for you niggas that don't like football that means he is thick but not fat), dresses well, and did I mention I think the nigga is fine? When he was in training we had lunch at the sametime so I would sit across from his table. This nigga talked about having a girl once and I stopped listening to his convo. Now that he is out of training I rarely see this nigga but when I do he makes a point to speak. I mean nigga has stopped in his track and turned around and headed back toward me to speak. How should I get a picture of this nigga without him knowing I'm taking his picture and without using my phone (you know a nigga phone takes the worst picture)?

How did you feel while reading that entry? Were you outraged by my use of the "n" word or were you unbothered because I'm black? I listened to bounty hunter dawg's message/conversation with his son about their use of the "n" word and his son's black girlfriend. And I must admit, I was less offended by that than hearing it on the radio. He used it like so many of family members, associates and co-workers use the word, not saying its right, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I say no one should use the word but know that's not going to happen, so what's the solution...if we as a people are going to use it and not find a problem with it, shut the fuck up when others use it.

Any Questions?

2007-10-30T15:42:00.001-07:00

I tried to keep this inside, but that would not be me. I’m choosing to use this medium because all parties involved, whether directly or indirectly use Blogger.

During this period of change in our lives, things are being said, thought and interpreted but there are few honest answers and/or open discussions, well let me start so there are fewer questions, misconceptions and a clearer future. This is a beginning, hopefully, no matter if we all go our separate ways, we can keep this civil.

1. My comment left on Shawn’s October 18, 2007 blog was the same advice/comment I would lend to anyone in his situation, regardless of my affiliation with the other person. I’m sorry if anyone got hurt by the truth or didn’t realize my answer was going to be any different than what I perceived as the truth because I called both parties involved in the break up friend. I’m fair and consistent, so with the information I had in front of me, after reading his blog, I gave my opinion as I would give to anyone in that situation. I gave the advice that has been given in the past.

2. If anyone other than Xavier took to heart my blog on October 25, 2007, tough, you must have seen yourself somewhere in the words I expressed. As stated in my comment, as much as these were just random thoughts that were going through my head and encompassed a few different situations, it was geared to the spending habits of Xavier and I, who spent until we were, broke the last couple of weekends. However, some elements of my post can easily be associated to another, but is that my fault? Absolutely not! Just means others have similar issues.

3. Friends and advice in the mist of a break up. Neither I, nor any of Shawn’s other friends, could truly call ourselves his friend if we were not there for him. He was broken, surprised and hurt by someone he loved. His relationship was over and he didn’t fully understand what had happened which hurt him more. I can only speak for myself, but after hearing Daniel’s version of the break up, my heart went out to Shawn. I wanted to run to him immediately and wrap my arms around him. Did I choose sides? Yes! I internalized the situation and was thrown back to the day Antwan ended things completely between us; I re-felt that pain and could imagine how Shawn felt. It took me two days to speak to Daniel and I tried to regain my sense of normalcy with him, but it didn’t last long. During this period I offered my opinion when it was asked, and as always, I answered completely. The last thing I told Shawn was his relationship with Daniel was between them, if he wanted to continue to be friends with him, that’s on him and not to worry about our relationship with him. Going along with the theme of friends, advice and break ups, its funny, as I think about everything that has been said, hinted at or suggested, I continue to think about my own break up. To those that were around, is the advice we given Shawn the same that was given to me if not a little more diplomatic? Are we not giving the same advice we gave Omar during the Piper and Akee (sorry if I spelled his name wrong) relationships? Why should the advice be different if situations are similar because we are dealing with a friend? Doesn’t it become dishonest and become selfish if we would have done something other than the norm in this situation? We have encouraged Shawn to make his own decision, don’t rush into dating and try to move on. Is that not the advice you give to a friend in the mist of a break up?

4. Friends. Friendships, because ultimately it is by every right a relationship, should be built on truth and honesty. When that truth is tested, when lies fill the mouth of one friend and character changes or comes to light, a relationship will be put to question. I don’t like to be lied to for any reason and when someone lies to me or manipulates the truth I get annoyed and have to re-evaluate my relationship with that person.

5. If anyone has a problem with anything I have said, have any questions regarding the information on this post or need me to clear up any feelings and/or assumptions, you can leave a comment or text me anytime. Most of you that have my number know my calling restrictions, they still apply. Hope everyone has found what they needed. I tried to keep others feelings in mind and tone back some of my response, because I was told I come off harsh at times.

2007-10-30T04:21:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Lamar
I love you

very random thoughts today...

2007-10-25T04:14:00.000-07:00

Ok I'm at work and instead of being the good worker and seeking out work, I'm chilling. I informed the "people" before I left yesterday, I had completed all the work assigned to me and I needed work for the morning. Asked them to email me work and I would handle it when I got in (was going to do overtime last night but after waiting for them to get out of training for 2 and half hours, I didn't want to wait another 10 minutes to beg for work). So I will sit here and blog, get some shit off my chest that might piss some people off, but oh well.

I hate being lied to and I hate break ups. I hate when shit just don't add up. I don't like being lied to, so as I posted before, I rarely lie to people. I'm a firm believer in, "do unto others as you would have others do unto you." So when people lie to me I get annoyed. Break ups, why is it when people break up with someone they assume a lie will make things easier. Try the complete truth, it might not be the easiest thing for the other person to hear but it helps in the end. Stop being a goddamn pussy and saying the bullshit, "its not you its me," "I just need some time," "I need to find myself." Just tell the damn truth, "I'm no longer feeling u," "I want to see what else is out there," "I met someone else and I think I like them more than you," and "I cheated." Lies just lead the other person on and give them an unfair sense that there is a possibility of getting back together soon. Which leads them to want to pause their life for you.

Is it just me or does it seem like when people say they are trying to save money, they begin to go out more and take surprise trips? Could just be me.

My love life seems to be on hold. There is T, he is cool, but has no job and doesn't want a relationship. We chill like once a month, talk and watch a movie. We enjoy each others company but we know where the other stands. We will just be friends. A has been acting strange lately, think he feels a certain way now that he is just a friend. He keeps asking if I'm dating anyone, normally he shys away from this talk with me. Maybe we are finally comfortable with being friends, I don't know. I met someone online, lets call him jc. Before we met in person, I really became attracted to him, he was able to hold a good conversation and really was passionate about his job. Now, I don't know. He seems to be pushing me away or testing me, just not sure.

Ok I was watching the news and I know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a new york city cop. Get this, an off duty cop, shot and killed a man due to road rage. The cop claims the man pointed at him as if he had a gun and made a shooting sound, the cop thought he had a gun and shot him. Not willing to mess up his night, the cop kept driving and turned himself in the next day. Guess what happened to him...you guessed it, they let this motherfucker go home. Of course he isn't being paid while they look into the incident. So, I want to be a new york city cop so I can shoot someone, flee the seen of the crime, admit what I did the next day and not be arrested on the spot. but then again this is the same state that wants to give ILLEGAL immigrants driving licenses.

Ok its been an hour and still no work. I'm going to beg for work now, talk to you later.

random thoughts at work

2007-10-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

*I'm currently working on another post regarding sagging pants but unmotivated to finish it. I should just post what I have so far and let you guys have at it.

*I'm single. Ok this isn't new news, but it just hit me. I've met cool people, attractive people and a person I clicked with, but I'm still single. And guess what, I'm not stressing or worried about that. Normally, when I'm single for a long time I'm bummed out about it and need to rush out and find a person to rush into a relationship with. But now, I'm happy with dating me...damn I'm a good boyfriend...lol.

*I have been checking the sexiest poz list almost everyday on a community website I have an account with. I'm HIV negative and not going on there to find out who's positive. I find that most people that are HIV positive and have come to terms with their status are some of the most positive people on the web. Most have an appreciation for life that I don't have, their strength is inspiring and I like it. I can't see myself in a romantic relationship with someone that is positive, but adding them to my circle of friends is definitely a possibility. Shit, one of my friends that I've known for almost 10 yrs is positive and I think our friendship grew once I found out (and after he assured me he was alright and I didn't need to cry).

*the cowboys. Ok the cowboys have been my favorite football team since I started watching football. This past sunday they got their ass handed to them by the patriots. Everyone finally saw that they are really not as good as people thought. Don't let the 5-1 record fool you, the defense is suspect (especially the secondary) and romo has some things he needs to work on.

*I hate break ups. So many people get hurt when break ups occur. I need a hug...lol

*drinking. I need to stop giving out my number when I have a drink in me and the light are dim, because in the light the truth shall shine and sometimes the truth isn't pretty....lol.

Ms. Jones in the morning

2007-10-05T04:20:00.000-07:00

I used to refuse to listen to hot97 in the morning. I hated listening to the queen of ignorance, Ms. Jones. However, for whatever reason, she has been missing in action. To my pleasant surprise the show has been bareable. I used to cringe whenever she opened her mouth to voice her opinion on a ropic that reached outside of music. Without her we have DJ Envy addressing current events and comedian Micheal Shawn giving comic relief. Even though his jokes can be crude, his remarks rarely break the ignorant barrier that Ms. Jones seems to be impervious to. When he doesn't have information on a subject he either keeps his mouth shut or makes it known that he is uninformed, whereas Ms. Jones weighs in with her opinion as if she is informed broadcaster. When will we realize that just because we have an opinion, doesn't mean we have to subject others to our ignorant mess?

Brain Freeze

2007-09-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

Ok for the second week in a row I waited until Sunday to write a short story. Each week I had the story in my head. I had the concept, opening paragraph and the ending all planned out. I had all these things ready for Sunday, but on Sunday I drew a blank. Everything I thought about is gone. So now I’m seating here watching football (yeeaaa football) and looking at this screen trying to decide if I want to try to post or fully enjoy my game.

Random thoughts

I was going to draw this thought out into a long post but I don’t have the time to devote the energy into it, so here it is in a nut shell. Some cities across this country are looking to ban sagging pants. They want to make it against the law for your pants to sag below your waist, exposing your underwear. Hmm, let me understand this correctly, I would be unable to lower my pants exposing another article of clothing because someone else doesn’t like seeing the other article of clothing. Two things about this issue, number 1 your eyes should be leveled with mine not my ass. If you are looking at my ass I hope you like what you see and do say hello. Number 2, does this mean we will be making laws against some of the shirts and skirts women wear? They wear low cut shirts that expose the top of their breast. I’m just saying if I can’t show the top of my boxers/briefs, then they can’t show skin. These short skirts have to go as well. Most girls put colorful stockings on with these skirts, but please correct me if I’m wrong, aren’t stockings undergarments? Land of the free? Free expression? Hmm, I guess not.

Ok, I’ve been procrastinating about moving but it is time. I understand my mom needs help with the bills, but I will be unbothered when I leave. I can’t stay here anymore. So, no more drinking, no more dining and no more hotels, because I need to save. I am a simple man, so my furniture and decorations will be also, but I will need furniture when I move in. I’m looking for a move in date of January 1st, but if I can do it earlier I’m jumping on it.

For my football fans I will be posting shortly about my favorite college team Notre Dame. I shouldn’t admit that that is my favorite team right now because they are winless right now, but they have bigger issues for me than their record. Any one that keeps up with Notre Dame, can you please tell me what’s the difference between the current coach and the coach before him?

random thoughts at work

2007-09-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ok I'm at work blogging from my phone breaking several company rules right now...ask me if I give a damn. For those of you that don't know I work in a call center for a wireless company that will remain nameless (primarily because they keep changing it) but I work in the offline department. I process bulk request that come in from our corporate accounts. To track our work, we are supposed to keep account of all transactions we make and enter it into this tracking system we have. The system generates how much time it should take to process each transaction and gives us a productivity score. Our score is supposed to be between 94-115%. For the past 5 days mine has been over 150, maxing out at 264% yesterday. I don't fudge my numbers, just a hard worker. So my scores are high, I don't see the fucking problem, but apparently it is. So, me being me, I asked what they wanted me to do since my number is a reflection of the work I'm doing. I was told to lie. What!?!! Even though I think I'm a good liar, this is not something I like doing. Shit, I think I may have told 2 lies this year if that. So I ask, "let me get this straight, you want me to continue to do the work I'm doing, but only put down that I did half of it?" two managers simply told me, "do what you have to to get your number lower." Oh hell no...either I'm getting credit for all the work I'm doing or I'm doing less. This is some bullshit. I'm not playing this game. I know when you work in corporate america you have to play the game, but this is one I won't play (unless it affects my paycheck).

On another note, I plan on posting another post soon. Not sure if its going to be another pleasure principle or a post concerning a bullshit ordinance that cities around the country are trying to push through. Stay tuned. Well I guess I should get back to work since I'm not on break.

short post

2007-09-10T19:19:00.001-07:00

I couldn’t resist posting this short post.

I have been posting a lot about love lately and this is no different. It is time for my true love. Fellas and ladies, put down that champagne and brandy, grub a beer or that yak and lets get ready for some FOOTBALL. Thursday, Friday and Saturday are set aside for college football while Sunday and Monday are for the pros. So fellas, turn those whoring wives off, leave the cartoons for the kids and the game shows for the old ladies and get into the hottest three hours of your life. Get into some hard hitting action.

STATE OF A PEOPLE

2007-09-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a thought provoking post on racism, wanted to bring issues of discrimination and flat out injustice going on in the south to the fore front of my post. But being true to my philosophy on politics and self, I had to look within first. Had to take a step back and look at the greatest injustice in my community, look at the group of people destroying my people and keeping them down.

Over the weekend, an eight year old was shot in the head while in the car with his pregnant cousin and her boyfriend. None of the three people were gang members, drug dealers or armed, but on a street in Newark, NJ they were victims. Victims of a war on common-sense, common decency, respect, unity and community. A war that is being won by the soulless, hopeless residents of a city that is rebuilding around them. The young boy will survive, but these shootings are becoming more common place in Newark, while the city tries to rebuild and become more attractive to the suburbanites who commute to the city or New York for work. Mayor Cory Booker has said all the right things, but talk is cheap. Do not misread what I wrote, I think he is trying his best, but sometimes one man’s best is not enough. It will take parents, neighbors, cousins, uncles, aunts and friends to be accountable for those around them. It will take everyone. My views are sometimes extreme and this is one of those times. Like some law makers, I think its time for military action. Yes, I said it. Dare I re phrase it and say, Marshall Law? Why not? Is that not what we are doing in Iraq? Don’t we have military force there to keep the peace (not saying its working over there)? We are losing our streets and our children to ignorance, time for change. Impose a curfew (yes this will either cut some of our get togethers short or force all of us to spend the night at shawn’s), have armed National Guards strategically stationed throughout the city and install cameras throughout the city. Since the community refuses to “snitch,” or help, let big brother do it. I’m sure my republican readers don’t see too much wrong with this idea.

Before you blast me and say this may be too extreme. I challenge you to come up with a better idea, a workable one. Sure, education, better jobs and drug prevention are keys to the success of a people, but let me sum up the problem with the three. 1. All three will take time to become a staple in our community. What do we do while we try to promote education, develop jobs and teach our people to live without the illegal substances? Should we just continue to wash the blood off the streets and school buildings? 2. The problem is not with the lack of education, lack of jobs and lack of preventive drug education, the problem is us. We under value education, legal employment is more of a punishment as it does not yield immediate gratification. Drugs have become our primary source of income and expense. Blood is being shed over drug territory, drug money and the need for drugs. So as you get your thoughts together and ready yourself for a verbal assault on my opinion, please come with your own idea.

Why do you blog?

2007-09-02T17:29:00.001-07:00

After an interesting conversation I pose a simple question and my answer to the blogging community. Why do you blog? I really want to know your answer, I’m interested to read everyone’s answer to this question.

I have answered this question in the past but I will briefly re-visit my answer for this short post. In short, I write my blog the same as I used to write in my journal. I use this blog as a release. I let go of some of the things floating around in my head. I rarely censor what I write, rarely spare the feelings of others on my blog because these are my thoughts, my world. I appreciate the comments people leave, really get to learn about them and others perspective on things (see Tyson we see things the same way), however, most of the time I have plotted my course of action, decided what is best for me, or the situation is over by the time I post, so comments that are left rarely affect my actions.

Beat, Hurt, Breath and Release

2007-09-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

Beat…No one has to tell me that I’m beat over ‘A,’ I know it to be true for myself. All the signs are right there in front of me clear as day. Shit, who else treats someone else for lunch and buys them a gift on their birthday? But can you blame me? We’ve shared just about everything for almost two years now, he became one of my closest friends, my lover, my partner, a shoulder to cry on, and my other half (and these titles are not necessarily the same). I did for him just because and he did the same for me. We wanted each other to be happy. I would and did just about anything to make him happy.

Hurt…it has been almost a week since those words scrolled across my phone, but to relive it now still causes a shooting pain in my chest and forces me to hold back tears. He finally told me that he doesn’t see us getting back together. He had no reason for his decision, stated that he didn’t understand it himself, but that was his answer. I respected his decision but my world, my dreams, my thoughts for the future shattered. I wanted answer but none made the words easier to digest, none took the sting away from the initial shot.

Breath…I took a deep breathe, collected myself before the tears snuck out of my eyes. Pulled it all together. Used the breath to take in all that was said over the past two years, all that was done and all that was never said. Assessed the rejection text I had just received and tried to figure out my next course of action.

Release…I released the pain for that moment, let go of the memories of the past. I released the memory of the text and the conversation I had with ‘A.’ I released my life and began to live again. I’m learning to live again, while leaving room for ‘A’ (did I mention I’m beat?...lol)

2007-08-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

It time ladies and gentleman for "WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?" this will be a brief true story that will have you asking, are you serious?

While warming up my food for lunch I noticed one of our union reps name was crossed out. I didn't pay it too much attention, as tim (not his real name), is rarely at work. I assumed he was out too much sick or just gave up on the union.

Heading back to my desk I see two union reps. Hmm, I look at my coworker with a, what's going on, look. These are like the two head union reps for our department, one of which work in the other building. I only see these 2 together when someone gets fired so I knew something was up. My coworker ignored my glance and kept walking, so I did the same. Then I see the third union rep that make up the firing squad, whenever someone gets fired, all three are normally together. It tripped me out because she is actually on vacation. "Yo what's going on?" I had to ask. He got on the elevator and didn't say anything.

The doors closed and his mouth opened. "They probably here because of tim," before I could ask why he continued. "He got fired today." For a straight guy he gossips more than a little bit. "Get this, he downloaded porn from his home computer to his phone. He couldn't get it to work on his phone so he sent it to his email at work and downloaded it to his desktop. He was caught watching gay porn at his desk."

"His desktop? Please tell me you mean he bought his laptop in from home and not the job computer." I didn't want to believe tim was that dumb. As a union rep he has to know watching porn at your desk is a fireable offense as while as downloading non-job related things to your computer. I mean they fired one of the top managers without blinking an eye for his first offense.

"Yea the company computer." Dumbass.

Now I want to know what porn was so good it is worth losing your job for, because I have to get it! (Yes A I will get you your own copy and greg will be the first to download and make copies...lol). I mean most of us have done questionable things at work (shit I did one today, but what I do in the bathroom in the stall by myself is my business...lmao) but to do it out in the open, to do it where there is no question you will get caught is just stupid as hell.

restless at work

2007-08-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Ok I get to work about 7am everyday and today was no different. I do off line work in a call center (I handle email request instead of listening to the dumbass customers who think their problem is the biggest thing in the world). I have to rely on our gatekeeper (person who receives all the emails and request first) for work. She isn't here, all 3 managers in my department are out and the work that was supposed 2 last me all week was completed tuesday (o yea I was on vacation monday). So now I'm just sitting here playing on my phone. My coworkers told me to pretend like I'm doing work...what the fuck! Do nothing at all until I get off? Yea not me! I can't be at work and not work, shit is boring and I can do that shit at home (but they won't let me leave with pay). Ok let me go find something 2 do before I loose my mind.

I HATE LOVE

2007-08-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

I was asked recently, "are you single?" My response came quickly and unexpected to both the person asking the question and myself. The answer came from the heart and not really anywhere else. "Yes, but my heart belongs to someone right now." I knew exactly who I meant when the words poured onto the computer screen. I was shocked and then hurt, because all that i have felt for that person rushed back.

I hate to admit it but i'm still in love with 'A.' I know he doesn't want a relationship, not sure when he is ready for a relationship if he wants one with me, but i do know that these feelings are holding me back from pursueing another relationship with someone else. I tried to distance myself from him and it worked,until we began speaking again. I thought I could handle a friendship with him, but i can't. i still have very strong feelings for him. I don't want to pursue him, i don't want tomakethe same mistake twice,but i fear I am already in too deep.

I love him and I'm on the verge of being love's fool. I'm honestly thinking about waiting on him toget his apartment (which will be the time he is ready for a relationship) and even waiting the additional 6 months with him before we have sexual contact (ladies and gentleman that means no sexual contact until like April 08). He helped me while i was stressing over an emotionless relationship, birthday planning and my ticket situation. He gives me the attention I want from him without giving me too much. I wish i could talk to him about this without making him feel like i'm trying to pressure him into a decision he isn't prepared to make.

I know i need to just walk away from the situation,but thats easier said than done. I love my lil selfish shortie, i do. I know i am not getting into another relationship with someone else anytime soon, because there will be no feeling toward that person. I can't go into too much because i vented to my computer (my offline journel) earlier and got must of it out, plus i don't want to say too much on the off chance 'A' reads this (he currently doesn't have internet access so i think i'm good).

Community Affair

2007-08-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

It was a quiet Tuesday at work, nothing out of the ordinary going on. In a workaholic trance, I almost missed my very routine lunch with some co-workers. When I got downstairs to have lunch I found my co-workers in a serious question. “OK, this is different,” I thought to myself. Happy and looking forward to change I sat in my usual seat and listened in so I could join the conversation. I should have stayed my ass upstairs.

“We just have to accept that crime will happen and learn to adapt to it,” was I hearing this? With a very serious look on her face, my 22 year old, female Hispanic co-worker sat defending her position. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know if this was really a serious conversation or what they were talking about, so she continued. “What happened to those people in Newark was a tragedy but its Newark, it’s expected. Murder is going to happen there and there is nothing anyone can do.” WOW!!! I looked around the table and realized the other members of the lunchtime roundtable were in agreement with her. They shook their heads in agreement.

“And Booker is making things worse. This is his entire fault. Look at him, when he was running for mayor he said he was going to come down hard on the gangs and get rid of crime. Now the bloods said they will kill more people this year than last unless he is out of office,” my 26 year old African-American co-worker chimed in. As a resident of Newark, someone that grew up in the city, I should have been shocked by the words coming out of his mouth, but I wasn’t. When he speaks of his time in Newark, his connection with the city, he paints a destructive picture for the listeners of his tales. Stick up kids, stolen cars, drugs, gangs and enough money to buy a not guilty verdict. I know he is all talk, but the imaginary is enough to scare any non-resident away. By this point of the conversation I put my sandwich done in disgust, I was hot with rage. Is this the state of minority affairs (the table was made up of 2 Hispanics and 4 African-Americans), have we just given up on our community?

“It’s not Bookers fault, it’s the fault of people like you! People that will just accept that crime has to happen and there is nothing that can be done. People who blame someone that is willing to speak out against the violence and express a desire for action and not try to help in the process,” I was heated and I have a reputation at work that I’m going to say what I want, so I did. “People want Booker out of office but aren’t saying shit about the bloods who are actually doing the killings, simply say gangs are apart of life.”

“Murders weren’t like this when Sharp James was in office.”

“No, Sharp just ignored the problem as long as his pockets got fatter.”

“Booker is flashy. Always taking credit for Sharp’s accomplishments, cutting ribbons at building Sharp James put into motion to have created. Saying he is going to rid the community of crime but didn’t have a plan. But I bet you if this was a white person they would have had a suspect in hours,” why do we have to make everything a race issue?

“As mayor he has to be seen at the opening of a city building, it’s his job. And what do you think he is going to do, sit back, watch Newark continue to spiral out of control until the entire town is run by the criminals? Not finding a suspect is due to this bullshit ass street code of not snitching {a chorus of “yup yup, snitches will get stitches” was song by three members of the table}, we want the cops to help us but we don’t want to help them help us.” I wanted to continue the argument but lunch was over and I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with these people.

There was a book written in the late 60s early 70s by a sociologist named, Edward Banfield entitled The UnHeavenly City. In his book, he predicted that urban cities would begin to develop into a separate society within the larger society it belonged to. This sub-culture would have their own set of rules or laws and survival would be the only thing that mattered. Banfield believed that what was socially thought to be right and wrong would not apply to the members of this society, immediate gratification was key for these people. If they needed or wanted something, they got it then without consequence to future needs and if they didn’t have the money for these things, they simply got it by any means necessary. Poverty and a lack of respect for education helped to create this sub-culture, but a willingness to accept the conditions around themselves was the key to sustain this sub-culture and keep these people from climbing out of the “ghetto” in which they found themselves.

Let’s reflect on this for a minute: He believed that cities or small parts of cities would be filled with crime, violence, not because the people wanted to break the law, but simply because the laws of the society did not apply to them. Immediate gratification meant more than longtime investment. Robbery and hustling are more practicable means to support oneself than working a “legal” job, because legal jobs require you to wait for a paycheck. Sounds like Newark to anyone else?

What’s the remedy for our growing problem of violence in our community? We have to start raising the next generation to embrace, value education. We have to become examples for those younger than us. We can’t just preach change, try to beat right and wrong in their heads and go out and do us just because we are older. We have to be enraged at every act of violence, crime and injustice and stop accepting these acts as just a way of life. But, education is key. We have to educate our people on our history, on our struggles in this country, on the accomplishments we have made, the advancements he have helped to make. We have to teach our youngsters to value our people, our sisters, themselves. We have to teach our boys that a man is not someone that can fuck everything that is willing, but someone that is willing to wait for the one they love. To build our community we have to start with recreating what we see as acceptable, destroy the old notions of what is cool and what we consider to be a man, woman, hoe and a success.

FAST FORWARD

2007-08-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

A lot has taken place in my life since my last post. I am not going to post an extremely long post to catch everyone up on the comings and goings of my life, but merely a fast pace version of the mess that is my life.

1. I got into an accident. I’m ok, my car has another battle wound. Was served 2 tickets, 1 for the accident (tailgating) and the other for a fake inspection ticket (could have sworn it was real). That accident has cost me $758 (the cost of the fines associated with the tickets) so far. Points, surcharges and rise in insurance to come.

2. I’m single again. After trying to convince myself that being with Barry was right, things would get better and maybe he was the one, I gave in to the reality that it wasn’t working. He is a good person and honestly I don’t think there is any blame to be dished out for this break up. There was no spark, no feeling, so instead of dragging it out I ended things.

3. I’m being sued for just under $500. A couple of years ago I went for a test and my insurance company was supposed to pick up the bill. They didn’t and the hospital wants their money. I keep getting the runaround from the insurance company so being impatient and a bit lazy, I’m just going to pay the bill myself.

4. I’ve been working 12 ½ hours at least 3 days a week for the past month. It would have been more than 3 days, but I had to take time for court for the tickets and I had a day or two off thrown in there. I should have extra spending money, but I don’t. I’m killing myself to pay off the fine and the suit.

5. All of this is going on while I try to plan for my birthday. A small group of friends and I are going out to eat the Saturday after my birthday. Finding a nice restaurant seemed to be so hard. In the end, the restaurant I first thought about is the one we are going to attend. It’s a nice place, a little on the pricey side, but its what I want.

Answers part 2

2007-06-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

Ok This came out a lot differently when I typed it up, but transferring the answers from my desktop to my blog I lost color and the text came out different. But here are your answers...good questions fellas

Greg
1. What is your proudest achievement thus far? Graduating college in four years, without the assistance of summer school and/or winter session, has been my proudest achievement thus far. That was my goal going into college and despite some bumps, I did it.
2. What is the one biggest thing you would like to change about yourself? I want a bigger dick. Ok, that was a little shallow, but that’s what I want to change.
3. What is the biggest thing you love/hate about me? The answer to both parts of that question is the same. Your honesty. Sometimes I hate the fact that you give your opinion on everything, but I don’t think we would be friends if you were different. I love you for your honesty and your heart.
4. Do you think I should create a blog of questions too? Yes
Even though we’ve known each other for quite a few years, do you feel like you know me? Yes, however, I do think there are things about you that I don’t know. But we all have things in our closest.

“A” aka selfish ass motherfucker…lmao

Why did you think I would make a good boyfriend? You liked football that was all I needed. Plus, throughout our relationship we became better friends, isn’t that what your boyfriend should be, a good friend?
What’s my favorite sexual position? Ok I’m not sure, but I will say that you enjoyed having sex in the mirror (probably had something to do with you being able to look at yourself).
Who are the six men I find the most attractive?
pornstar: Brian Pumper (jacked up his last name but you know who I’m talking about)
basketball: I’m not sure
football: Jamaal Lewis (can you finally admit his career is over)
r&b singer: not sure but I know you want Usher’s abs
actor: will smith
rapper/producer: puffy
What was on your mind the first time:
You danced with me: “I thought he said he was a top.”
You cooked for me: “This is actually good. I think I’m in love with him.”
You told me about Darnell: “That nigga really fucked him up.”
You put your tongue in my ass: “What is he doing? Does this mean he wants to be with me?”
You got naked: “He better not fart, I don’t care if he is still drunk.”
First time we kissed: “When we sober up will we regret this? Do I even care?”
Did you love me because of who I really am or because it’s a challenge to get inside my mind and heart? Both actually. Getting to know who you are was a challenge, one I enjoyed and accepted the challenge of. Falling in love with the person you were and I thought you could become, was my reward.
Do you believe once you meet your soulmate that they will always shape the decisions you make about every other mate? Yes. I don’t believe your soulmate will ever leave your life. I would hope that if you find your soulmate there will be no other mates. But if there are other mates, they are only there to improve us for the return of our soulmate.
Most men in this homo lifestyle have a troubled or non-existant relationship with their father. Did the relationship with your father have an effect on your sexuality, and the choices you make regarding the men you date? Yes or no? Explain. NO. I’ve always known that I was attracted to the same sex and never let my father’s opinion alter what I wanted.
If you won the mega million jackpot for 250 million dollars, which three friends would receive the most expensive gifts? And What Would those gifts be? Mike would get a hooked up bus. It would be a party bus that would revival John Maddens bus. No passengers and it would not look like a NJtransit bus. I would buy Greg a house and car. Nothing huge, but something of his own. I would get both of them a gas card with an undisclosed amount on each card. Then, I would get Matt an all expense paid trip to NYC. I would put him up in a 5 star hotel, take him to the hot spots to eat, buy him a date if we don’t find one the first night and just show him a good time.
One nite in your car early this year you said someone told you I was a hotboy, who was it? And where did they get that info from? Not sure but it may have been Dre.
Out of all of your ex’s which one you were in love with the most? And why? Lamar. But what made his love the greatest is it became something different once we were over. I loved him like a brother and at that point there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him.
Fuzzy
I know that you and “A” have had a past, if he decided that he was ready for a relationship would you give him a 2nd chance? Yes
How long do you expect to be in this relationship you are currently in? I hope I’m wrong but it’s starting to look like we won’t be together for long.
If you break up what do you think will be the cause of the break up? Even though I don’t think sex is a big part of a relationship, the lack of sexual attention might be the end of us. I’m not looking to mess around as much as pops and his son (those in the crew know who I’m talking about) but more than we have now. I think he can go once a month and be happy, that in no one is a bad thing, but it’s just not me. He is a good guy but masturbating while in a relationship is just not my thing.
If Shawn and I ever broke up, would we still be friends? I hope we will remain friends. I really enjoy your company.
When you masturbate, describe exactly what you think about and how you act until the final act of completion. I’m usually watching porn so I’m focused on the screen and just stroking until I bust. No thought is really put into it.
Name one extremely freaky/kinky thing you have done, or willing to do? Thinking on this question I realize I’m not as freaky as I thought. I guess the 3some I was in. It really shouldn’t have happened and maybe I should have gotten his name before my friend and I had sex with him…lol.
I want to organize a sex party (all the gatherings almost always end up that way anyway). I guess you want to know if I would organize a sex party (I know that’s what you are asking since I asked), yes as long as I don’t have to participate and it’s not in my house.
What will it take for you to finally spend the night at one of my sleepovers? It will take two things. A lot of alcohol and my own bed in an air conditioned room.
What will it take for you to go out to see a movie? A really good scary movie. It has to be a movie that I really want to see.
Is there anything that you will not do for any amount of money? Actually there are a few things that I won’t do. Incest and having sex with an animal are top on the list of things I won’t do. I know if I sit here and really think I probably can come up with some other things but I have other questions to answer.

Ponoono
How is Fuzzy’s number 7 a question? He was rushing but I knew what he meant. But should he organize one? Might as well organize a sex party. Hey we have the perfect game to change any party into a sexy party. Any one want to see if they can play without being turned on?

Mikey
If you can go back in time which moment in your life would you wanna relive? Why? The day I told Lamar I never wanted to speak to him again. I wish I wouldn’t have done that. I miss him terribly and I can’t shake the feeling that he isn’t doing well.
What three friends would you wanna be stranded on an island with? Why? Mike, Antwan and Daniel. I need you and Antwan there for entertainment. Either jokes or arguments, putting you two together is funny. Daniel can make something out of nothing so I know I wouldn’t be hungry or get bored with eating fish every day.
What is it about chips ahoy cookies you love so much? They are the best tasting cookies told in a bag/box. I’ve grown up eating them. I’ve tried all other brands of chocolate chip cookies and they don’t taste good at all to me.
What do you think is the best thing about being in love? Now the worst? I think the best thing about being in love is having that person that you can be yourself around. That person that will accept you for your flaws. The best thing about love is being naked (and not in the physical) without any shame. The worst thing about being in love is being in a relationship with someone and being the only one in love. Giving all of oneself to someone and getting nothing in return but lies and half truths. Being bare in front of someone while they are completely clothed.
Name one thing that you don’t want for your birthday? Now one thing that you do want? I don’t want pussy…lol. One thing I want. I guess the same thing I’ve had the past two years, a good time surrounded by my friends. I would love for that to include Lamar but I realize that’s next to impossible.
If you had to choose between me and “A” who lives and who dies, what would your answer be? Why? I’m mad you even had to ask. You would live. Hey, you are my Mikey, my silent half.
If the opportunity came, would you still wanna be roommates? Yes, of all my friends I think you would give me the most space as a roommate. You get me when I’m in my mood and truly can take my attitude at its worst.
What do you think I would benefit from by going to church? Support. Think church would give you the opportunity to see that no matter what you are going through, you can make it. It will give you hope.
If things don’t work out with “B” are you gonna go back to your old ways or just take a break from dating? I’m going to get back on my horse and take on whatever life brings me.
What would you say/do if I told you that I found out what your middle name is? I would be upset because you probably did something underhanded to get it. Then I would make you promise to never use it or tell anyone. That would be key, because it really could end a friendship.

Kensilo
Out of all of your friends which one is the most influential in your life and why? My friend Matt. Despite having a lot of heartbreaks, bumps in the rode, hardship, he continues to have a positive attitude. I look at him and think, if he can go through all that he has gone through, I can handle the little things that are going on in my life.
What are some of your bad/good traits? I think one of my worst traits is I don’t think before I speak sometimes. I will say exactly what is on my mind when I’m upset or very passionate about something and I’m not bothered by who I may offend or hurt. Then there is my attitude. When I’m mad I tend to want others around me to hurt also. The saying, “misery loves company,” is definitely true. One of my best traits is I have a big heart. I always want to do the right thing, whether it’s for a friend or a stranger. I believe we should do unto others as we would want other to do unto us. I believe in right and wrong, equality, and thus I try to be a fair person and treat everyone the same. Try to set limits/rules that are black and white. Think everyone should be held to the standards. My favorite trait and the one I am most proud to admit is I’m honest. I try to be very honest with people. Sometimes I may scale it back in the interest of someone’s feelings, but generally, you get the answer to your question very “matter of fact.”
Where do you see yourself in the near future? Honestly I’m not sure anymore. I’m believing God will bless me with a new or different career opportunity. I’m bored with my current job and it’s not paying enough, so I’m just waiting on God to send me somewhere else.
What is the best thing going on right now in your life? My nephew. He is doing a lot better in school and is shaping up as a man. He finally has a job (ok he is only 16 but he needs to do something productive other than just football) and passing all his classes in high school. Sometimes I feel like a proud parent.

Questions part 2

2007-06-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

Ok its that time again, Questions and answers. The rules are simple, ask me any question you would like and yes, you can even ask multiple questions. There are very few rules/limitations:
1. I will not answer any question(s) about my middle name, just know that i have one.
2. Limit your questions to 10, someone was going crazy with questions last time (mike) and submittd like 20 questions (they were good, but damn).
3. Questions need to be posted on the comment section of this post by 11am sunday June 17, 2007.

Now i will answer all questions (as long as they do not relate to rule number one) honestly and fully. Someone, rightly, stated that they would scale their questions back, please don't do that. Ask what you want, this is my blog, if someone doesn't want to read a response just skip it. I'll be waiting.